Poly Lifestyle Questions/Concerns/Advice

You are going through a very challenging process right now, but believe me when I say that you are approaching it with the right attitude. There are going to be times when it seems overwhelming, and times when you wonder what the hell you've gotten yourself into, but it is so important that you already understand the need to own your own stuff and that you are taking steps to work toward that.

I have some ideas for the two fears, although since you haven't explicitly asked for advice, feel free to reject the ideas.

1) How much have you and your wife talked about this? Was there anything in particular going on during those 3-4 times she was able to climax during intercourse (certain time of cycle, certain position, certain types of foreplay or other things going on, certain settings/situations, etc.)? If you can find a common denominator, you might be able to work toward having that more often between the two of you. If not, it may just be that your wife has difficulty with that in general. It isn't uncommon. Have you considered trying to use toys to assist? I know the WeVibe has done wonders for me and my DH. He doesn't always want to use it, but when we do I orgasm much more easily from intercourse. It's kind of an expensive toy, but if this kind of thing is important to you, it might be worth it. You can get the added bonus of feeling the vibrations yourself if you use a vibrating toy or cock right as well.

2) NRE is scary. If it's been a while since your wife or you have experienced it, then it is a reasonable thing to be wary of. It's probably good to talk as much with your wife about it as possible and set down a game plan for checking in with each other. On your end, find out what it is that will make you feel more at ease and communicate those things to her as requests. Then she can either agree or not agree and potentially negotiate other things with you. She will have additional responsibilities to her child as well, so hopefully she has a lot keeping her from getting completely swept away. And as far as not feeling the same for you, it probably won't. You two have gone through NRE and now you have an established long term relationship. You don't get high on each other like you used to and if you develop new partners, that high will probably be there with them.... for a while. The thing about NRE is that it never lasts. If she stays with someone for longer than a year or two, it will fade into that old comfortable place just like you are with her. I have noticed that there are people who seem to be NRE addicts, whose relationships only last as long as the NRE does, but if you and your wife have been together for a while and have a child(ren) together, it doesn't seem like she is all that likely to act like that. However, you know her better than we do.
 
You are going through a very challenging process right now, but believe me when I say that you are approaching it with the right attitude. There are going to be times when it seems overwhelming, and times when you wonder what the hell you've gotten yourself into, but it is so important that you already understand the need to own your own stuff and that you are taking steps to work toward that.

I have some ideas for the two fears, although since you haven't explicitly asked for advice, feel free to reject the ideas.

I can already sense that! It can be overwhelming at times but I'm ultimately committed to making it work for us. Please feel free to offer me any advice you wish as well! I'm welcome to any thoughts/suggestions that anyone has on here during this time; I figure the more I know the more I can think about things and understand what it is I need and want out of this for my wife and I. Thank you again for any of that you may provide. :)


1) How much have you and your wife talked about this? Was there anything in particular going on during those 3-4 times she was able to climax during intercourse (certain time of cycle, certain position, certain types of foreplay or other things going on, certain settings/situations, etc.)? If you can find a common denominator, you might be able to work toward having that more often between the two of you. If not, it may just be that your wife has difficulty with that in general. It isn't uncommon. Have you considered trying to use toys to assist? I know the WeVibe has done wonders for me and my DH. He doesn't always want to use it, but when we do I orgasm much more easily from intercourse. It's kind of an expensive toy, but if this kind of thing is important to you, it might be worth it. You can get the added bonus of feeling the vibrations yourself if you use a vibrating toy or cock right as well.

The short answer: no. Throughout my life and in my relationship with my wife I've always found it difficult to talk about these types of things. It really has nothing to do with her at all it's just me. It's all about changing my mindset and learning to be as open as I can with her. If you ever saw The 40-Year Old Virgin there is a line where he says "I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much I completely stay away from them!" Honestly - growing up being very shy and timid I felt this way. I didn't date at all during high school or well into college because I was partially afraid but also I just had that feeling of respecting them to the point that I dunno.. I felt bad about even going there - "going there" being anything in a sexual context. I'm certainly not to that level anymore but in our relationship it has been difficult to fully express my feelings and desires in this context for fear of being let down or feeling weird or unusual or whatever else. A couple of weeks ago my wife and I had a long talk about us because we've hit some speed bumps lately and it was a great talk about us and things I wanted to work on with us and this is one of those. I have begun to be open with her about things but this particular topic has not come up yet.

There was no common denominator when she did cum in those situations that I can think of. I will certainly ask her the same when we do bring this topic up but honestly I can't think of anything. I tend to learn towards what you said that it probably is just difficult for her and not uncommon but again - if someone else is able to make her cum during intercourse and I can't then I have to be honest that will make me feel really inferior and also to be honest sad. We personally haven't used a toy while having intercourse but it is certainly a suggestion I will bring up with her. The expense is irrelevant IMO if it means that she'll be happier and able to feel this pleasure more often than not.


2) NRE is scary. If it's been a while since your wife or you have experienced it, then it is a reasonable thing to be wary of. It's probably good to talk as much with your wife about it as possible and set down a game plan for checking in with each other. On your end, find out what it is that will make you feel more at ease and communicate those things to her as requests. Then she can either agree or not agree and potentially negotiate other things with you. She will have additional responsibilities to her child as well, so hopefully she has a lot keeping her from getting completely swept away. And as far as not feeling the same for you, it probably won't. You two have gone through NRE and now you have an established long term relationship. You don't get high on each other like you used to and if you develop new partners, that high will probably be there with them.... for a while. The thing about NRE is that it never lasts. If she stays with someone for longer than a year or two, it will fade into that old comfortable place just like you are with her. I have noticed that there are people who seem to be NRE addicts, whose relationships only last as long as the NRE does, but if you and your wife have been together for a while and have a child(ren) together, it doesn't seem like she is all that likely to act like that. However, you know her better than we do.

NRE is just downright terrifying to me at times when I think about it. I certainly don't believe her to be an NRE addict because as you said - if that was the case then why would we still be together? Given our history and things we are working on unfortunately it pains me to say our sexual life had been far from NRE but that has changed and we are doing better lately than we have for a while. Positive news.

I'm hopeful that talking with her as much as I can on this topic will help ease my mind and possibly hers too when I'm in a similar situation with another woman. I try to think of myself at times too because while I worry about the NRE aspect a lot and how I will feel I certainly don't want HER to feel the same way either and feel neglected or second-fiddle. It feels like a really delicate balance to try and maintain.
 
Another separate question and thought I've had with all of this: time for my wife and I and kids.

Obviously when she is going out with someone or when I go out with someone the other will either be watching the kids or have made plans for an in-law or someone to help out. It wouldn't shock me if my wife and I somehow coordinated it for each of us to go out with our other partners for a while and the kids be left with their grandmother or aunt.

Anyways - with that said currently our daughter is 18 months old and our son is soon to be here. I worry that we'll have this time for others but that it'll be difficult to have time for "us." I don't want there to be that imbalance.

I know ultimately it's something we'll need to talk about and determine what the best course of action is but do any of you all I've spoken with (or anyone else too of course!) have any advice for this type of situation? Personal experience or just plain old general advice?
 
Short note, in the one paragraph I meant cock ring*, not cock right.

Learning to talk about sex and sexuality might be a good place to start. Some things you might try:

1) Tell your wife what you just told me. Even opening up that much vulnerability paired with the desire and intent to overcome it can open up a door for you to start that dialogue.

2) Explore yourself first! There are lists of these kinds of things (mostly on kink websites IIRC, but I'm sure there are others) where you consider a range of sexual behaviors that you might be interested in (such as blindfolds, sex in public spaces, threesomes, etc.). Then you place them into three or four lists. The lists might be: Hell yes I want to try this with someone!, I'm curious about this but unsure if I'd like it or not, This doesn't really appeal to me but I'm opening to giving it a shot, and Hell no this isn't happening. If you can come up with some things in your hell yes and curious lists that you haven't tried with your wife, that is a good place to start. You can also ask your wife to do the same exercise and compare lists. Maybe you'll surprise each other.

3) Find someone else to talk through these things with. It can be a friend, or here in this topic, or a counselor, but find someone who will help you get comfortable with explicitly discussing sex as a topic that you aren't sexually involved with. Sometimes that can take the nerves out of it, because you aren't dealing with the possibility of rejection for certain desires. Once you get a good idea of what it is you like, THEN you can start asking your wife if she is interested in these kinds of things.

4) How is her comfort level on these kinds of discussions? If it is pretty reasonable, you can make a point out of asking an uncomfortable question or making an uncomfortable statement (uncomfortable for you) to your wife once every day or two. Obviously, if your wife seems to be getting uncomfortable, you may need to back down and regroup and find a way to ease you both into it.

5) Explore yourself again! Try to unpack some of the things that make you uncomfortable with talking about sex to women. Do you feel as if you are being pushy or fulfilling some stereotype of hyper-aggressive male sexuality? Do you fear rejection? What is it specifically that scares you about discussing these types of things?


As far as the NRE goes, that is a roller coaster that is pretty unpredictable. As much as we might like to predict in advance how our partner is going to feel and act or how we are going to feel and act, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. It takes a lot of trust and knowing that you and your wife are both willing to deal with issues as they come up. You don't have to have it all figured out in advance. If you ever pay too much attention to a new partner, you will have to trust her to speak up and ask for what she needs and trust yourself to be able to make good choices for yourself and your relationship(s) as a whole. If she seems to get caught up in something, you will have to be able to trust her to keep a good perspective on the effects NRE is having on her and on yourself to be able to engage in self care (both standing up and asking for what you need, and learning where something is uncomfortable but not a need and pushing your own comfort zone).

It can be a delicate balance. I'm more than happy to keep discussing. I just know my writing style can be somewhat forceful and for you to know that you are free to disagree with me.
 
Another separate question and thought I've had with all of this: time for my wife and I and kids.

Obviously when she is going out with someone or when I go out with someone the other will either be watching the kids or have made plans for an in-law or someone to help out. It wouldn't shock me if my wife and I somehow coordinated it for each of us to go out with our other partners for a while and the kids be left with their grandmother or aunt.

Anyways - with that said currently our daughter is 18 months old and our son is soon to be here. I worry that we'll have this time for others but that it'll be difficult to have time for "us." I don't want there to be that imbalance.

I know ultimately it's something we'll need to talk about and determine what the best course of action is but do any of you all I've spoken with (or anyone else too of course!) have any advice for this type of situation? Personal experience or just plain old general advice?
You may need to engage in some trial-and-error if and when the time comes. Chances are, you and your wife won't both find a new partner at the same time. Maybe one of you develops something long distance, which means you won't be going out on regular date nights, but need to plan for weekend trips and time on the phone or video chatting. Maybe one of you develops a very low maintenance relationship that doesn't require that much time at all. Maybe you find someone that not only likes hanging out with the romantic partner, but gets along fantastically with their metamour as well (so for instance a BF or GF of your wife might click REALLY well with you as friends, or a GF of yours gets along great with your wife), so much so that they even volunteer to do things like help babysit the kids to facilitate a date night for the two of you. A lot of timing things really depend on the people and relationships involved, and how old your kids are if/when it starts happening.
 
when this first happened with you two did he automatically seek out other companions? Did it start with you seeking out someone and he didn't for a while? How did he handle it I find myself struggling at times with the fact that I believe I'd like to meet someone as well but I want to make sure I'm not doing it because "she has someone so why shouldn't I?" if that makes sense.

I already had another person. There was no seeking involved. The first three years; He had the attitude of wanting to find someone "right now" to be "equal". He dated and was famously talented at finding psychos. He's the kind of person who wants to save everyone, so he tends to pick people who are very troubled. Additionally, prior to our involvement, he was heavily involved in the bar/party/drug scene. So he went back to that scene in his efforts to date and it blew up in his face.
Anyway; some lessons a person must learn through experience. He did eventually agree to meet someone I had found online and they proceeded to have an adorable relationship for two years (but she moved away for work). He rebounded from that to a young lady who simply wasn't far enough into life to understand why he couldn't cancel plans with our multiple children to be with her any time she wanted. That was a year of drama and headache.
After that-he decided that he needs some time NOT dating, to really get to know himself, what it is he REALLY wants in partners instead of just running wild taking whatever lands at his feet.
He hasn't been dating now for... mmmm almost 2 years.

He hasn't spent that time *just* working on improving our relationship. He's spent a great deal of time focusing on getting to know himself more deeply, figuring out what REALLY makes him tick, instead of simply assuming that he's the "proverbial" guy (which he isn't). That has been quite eye-opening for all of us. Sometimes it's been shocking. But for me personally it's primarily been AWESOME. I LOVE watching his personal growth, it makes me feel all tingly inside!
He's come to realize that he actually can't stand the drama, demanding nature of the women he's primarily pursued in the past. He always believed "his type" was the tiny "wall mount" girls. He's realized that isn't true either. He just believed it SHOULD be-so that's what he pursued, but it's not ACTUALLY what really gets his motor going. He's figured out that he likes "high maintenance" in terms of wanting to dress nice, wanting to go do expensive things etc (something I am certainly not). He also likes intellectual discussions. But he most especially likes the women who will go out for the day fishing and hunting and covered in muck and then come home, shower up and dress to the nines for dinner (which is me).

He's realized that he hates "dating" and has started opening himself up to social conversation with women and men who are involved in the activities he ALREADY likes. That is a MUCH MUCH slower process in terms of finding someone open to poly-but it is much less dramatic, much less turn over, much more enjoyment-because he's already doing what he enjoys and the people he's hanging out with are also-even if they don't turn into romantic options.

On a side note-my bf has been involved with me in one capacity or another for 21 years (dh for 16) & he never did get on the "find myself another partner" band wagon. He's been pretty forthright that he wants me and that's it and if sharing is the method to get what he wants he's totally ok with that. Very different reaction/attitude.
 
Time-it's really a big discussion because everyone's different.

In our case, as I said, my boyfriend lives with us. Of our chidlren, the youngest is biologically the child of bf and I. The oldest is mine from previous relationship. Second oldest is dh's from previous marriage. We have one that is biologically ours and one godchild we raised.
They range from 23-7.

We opt for "date nights". One night a week for me and Maca. One afternoon a week (by personal preference) for GG and I. Maca had one night a week to go out on dates, but he's changed it up for doing social activities he enjoys instead of dates so he can meet people who already enjoy the activities he enjoys.
We used to participate in a local poly group I started. However-that brought wtih it the drama of dealign with the people who couldn't accept that I was unavailable (by choice) and that GG was unavailable by choice and that wanted Maca to leave me to be with them. So we stopped participating.. Too much meat-market attitude.

However-outside of specific dating, we spend most time with additional partners, within the circle of our family. So for example, we ALL hang out together to watch movies, play board games, go 4 wheeling, fishing, camping, etc. All "kid friendly activities" that our kids are involved in, and in the case of metamours with children, their children are involved in as well and often our grandchildren join in (they are 3 and 1).

Other poly people prefer to "keep it separated". We found that to be too much of a headache with so many kids.
 
You can do a tag search here for Polyamory and children, or Polyamory and kids. Give you a range of how people do it. Personally I first tried practicing poly with my ex h, when our kids were about 9, 12 and 14. I found the angst of opening our marriage for the first time too distracting from my parenting duties, so I backed off for about another 8 years. My ex kept seeing the new gf he had found, though they were long distance so the actual meetings were rather infrequent.

I am a poly girl through and through, but there are times when I don't want to actually practice it. It can be so complicated.
 
Short note, in the one paragraph I meant cock ring*, not cock right.

Learning to talk about sex and sexuality might be a good place to start. Some things you might try:

1) Tell your wife what you just told me. Even opening up that much vulnerability paired with the desire and intent to overcome it can open up a door for you to start that dialogue.

2) Explore yourself first! There are lists of these kinds of things (mostly on kink websites IIRC, but I'm sure there are others) where you consider a range of sexual behaviors that you might be interested in (such as blindfolds, sex in public spaces, threesomes, etc.). Then you place them into three or four lists. The lists might be: Hell yes I want to try this with someone!, I'm curious about this but unsure if I'd like it or not, This doesn't really appeal to me but I'm opening to giving it a shot, and Hell no this isn't happening. If you can come up with some things in your hell yes and curious lists that you haven't tried with your wife, that is a good place to start. You can also ask your wife to do the same exercise and compare lists. Maybe you'll surprise each other.

3) Find someone else to talk through these things with. It can be a friend, or here in this topic, or a counselor, but find someone who will help you get comfortable with explicitly discussing sex as a topic that you aren't sexually involved with. Sometimes that can take the nerves out of it, because you aren't dealing with the possibility of rejection for certain desires. Once you get a good idea of what it is you like, THEN you can start asking your wife if she is interested in these kinds of things.

4) How is her comfort level on these kinds of discussions? If it is pretty reasonable, you can make a point out of asking an uncomfortable question or making an uncomfortable statement (uncomfortable for you) to your wife once every day or two. Obviously, if your wife seems to be getting uncomfortable, you may need to back down and regroup and find a way to ease you both into it.

5) Explore yourself again! Try to unpack some of the things that make you uncomfortable with talking about sex to women. Do you feel as if you are being pushy or fulfilling some stereotype of hyper-aggressive male sexuality? Do you fear rejection? What is it specifically that scares you about discussing these types of things?

Thank you very much for the suggestions! I do plan to talk to my wife more about what I've expressed here when the time comes. Again for right now I'm really just trying to understand and gather information to learn more about the lifestyle so I can be better prepared when we do ultimately discuss all of this in detail. I've been making plenty of notes though about it! I think the list idea is a great one and will do that for sure. My wife is very comfortable with these types of discussions; it's typically me that has been the shy and reluctant one but I am working on that. Even in the past two weeks I've opened up quite a bit about us and things I've noticed about me and her and getting her thoughts about what I do or can do to make her feel better when we're together.


As far as the NRE goes, that is a roller coaster that is pretty unpredictable. As much as we might like to predict in advance how our partner is going to feel and act or how we are going to feel and act, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. It takes a lot of trust and knowing that you and your wife are both willing to deal with issues as they come up. You don't have to have it all figured out in advance. If you ever pay too much attention to a new partner, you will have to trust her to speak up and ask for what she needs and trust yourself to be able to make good choices for yourself and your relationship(s) as a whole. If she seems to get caught up in something, you will have to be able to trust her to keep a good perspective on the effects NRE is having on her and on yourself to be able to engage in self care (both standing up and asking for what you need, and learning where something is uncomfortable but not a need and pushing your own comfort zone).

It can be a delicate balance. I'm more than happy to keep discussing. I just know my writing style can be somewhat forceful and for you to know that you are free to disagree with me.

Good things to know and again - much appreciated. I truly feel that the more and more I read and hear from folks that the less and less I'm bothered by her being with someone else (just the blunt thought of that..) but the fear of losing her still lives. I think that will be the most challenging part of all of this so hearing ways to help combat that and experiences from others is really helpful.

Thank you again! And no sweat on the discussing I'm happy to hear whatever can be offered. The beauty of discussion IMO is that you are free to disagree and have your own thoughts/feelings but it shouldn't stop me or you or anyone else from offering what they think or feel.
 
You may need to engage in some trial-and-error if and when the time comes. Chances are, you and your wife won't both find a new partner at the same time. Maybe one of you develops something long distance, which means you won't be going out on regular date nights, but need to plan for weekend trips and time on the phone or video chatting. Maybe one of you develops a very low maintenance relationship that doesn't require that much time at all. Maybe you find someone that not only likes hanging out with the romantic partner, but gets along fantastically with their metamour as well (so for instance a BF or GF of your wife might click REALLY well with you as friends, or a GF of yours gets along great with your wife), so much so that they even volunteer to do things like help babysit the kids to facilitate a date night for the two of you. A lot of timing things really depend on the people and relationships involved, and how old your kids are if/when it starts happening.

Good things to know. I really never considered the aspect of a LD relationship and honestly I haven't given any thought yet to the topic of frequency and length of dates/time spent with others. I figure that's something for another post. =]

Never really considered the getting along with their metamour aspect either! I don't know if (right now) I could see myself being friends or hanging out with a guy that my wife wants to be with but at the same time as this all progresses my mindset could certainly change.
 
I already had another person. There was no seeking involved. The first three years; He had the attitude of wanting to find someone "right now" to be "equal". He dated and was famously talented at finding psychos. He's the kind of person who wants to save everyone, so he tends to pick people who are very troubled. Additionally, prior to our involvement, he was heavily involved in the bar/party/drug scene. So he went back to that scene in his efforts to date and it blew up in his face.
Anyway; some lessons a person must learn through experience. He did eventually agree to meet someone I had found online and they proceeded to have an adorable relationship for two years (but she moved away for work). He rebounded from that to a young lady who simply wasn't far enough into life to understand why he couldn't cancel plans with our multiple children to be with her any time she wanted. That was a year of drama and headache.
After that-he decided that he needs some time NOT dating, to really get to know himself, what it is he REALLY wants in partners instead of just running wild taking whatever lands at his feet.
He hasn't been dating now for... mmmm almost 2 years.

He hasn't spent that time *just* working on improving our relationship. He's spent a great deal of time focusing on getting to know himself more deeply, figuring out what REALLY makes him tick, instead of simply assuming that he's the "proverbial" guy (which he isn't). That has been quite eye-opening for all of us. Sometimes it's been shocking. But for me personally it's primarily been AWESOME. I LOVE watching his personal growth, it makes me feel all tingly inside!
He's come to realize that he actually can't stand the drama, demanding nature of the women he's primarily pursued in the past. He always believed "his type" was the tiny "wall mount" girls. He's realized that isn't true either. He just believed it SHOULD be-so that's what he pursued, but it's not ACTUALLY what really gets his motor going. He's figured out that he likes "high maintenance" in terms of wanting to dress nice, wanting to go do expensive things etc (something I am certainly not). He also likes intellectual discussions. But he most especially likes the women who will go out for the day fishing and hunting and covered in muck and then come home, shower up and dress to the nines for dinner (which is me).

He's realized that he hates "dating" and has started opening himself up to social conversation with women and men who are involved in the activities he ALREADY likes. That is a MUCH MUCH slower process in terms of finding someone open to poly-but it is much less dramatic, much less turn over, much more enjoyment-because he's already doing what he enjoys and the people he's hanging out with are also-even if they don't turn into romantic options.

On a side note-my bf has been involved with me in one capacity or another for 21 years (dh for 16) & he never did get on the "find myself another partner" band wagon. He's been pretty forthright that he wants me and that's it and if sharing is the method to get what he wants he's totally ok with that. Very different reaction/attitude.

Really interesting to read all of this. I agree that sometimes you just can't learn until you do through experience and that usually those are the hardest lessons to accept. I think the idea of taking a step back to figure your own self out is good and I've been doing a lot of reflecting and thinking during this time period personally. I'm trying to remind myself that it's ok to be 100% completely honest and open with my wife - she is my wife. If she can't accept me completely for who I am (not that I doubt that is the case but just generally speaking..) then she isn't worth being with. I know that isn't the case here and that I can tell her anything so I should. I trust her, I love her and she's who I want to be with for the rest of my life.

Personally I would love to meet some folks within the lifestyle (as well as continuing to talk to people here of course!) and just pick their brains about things in person and I think at some point I will do that. I know there are local groups that seem to have a lot of members and at some point in the future I would like to check those out.

One of my biggest concerns is while I don't think I would ever do it knowingly I hope that deep-down I don't get the attitude of "If she has someone then I must have someone." I feel at times that I may try to that and not even realize that's what I'm doing.
 
Time-it's really a big discussion because everyone's different.

In our case, as I said, my boyfriend lives with us. Of our chidlren, the youngest is biologically the child of bf and I. The oldest is mine from previous relationship. Second oldest is dh's from previous marriage. We have one that is biologically ours and one godchild we raised.
They range from 23-7.

We opt for "date nights". One night a week for me and Maca. One afternoon a week (by personal preference) for GG and I. Maca had one night a week to go out on dates, but he's changed it up for doing social activities he enjoys instead of dates so he can meet people who already enjoy the activities he enjoys.
We used to participate in a local poly group I started. However-that brought wtih it the drama of dealign with the people who couldn't accept that I was unavailable (by choice) and that GG was unavailable by choice and that wanted Maca to leave me to be with them. So we stopped participating.. Too much meat-market attitude.

However-outside of specific dating, we spend most time with additional partners, within the circle of our family. So for example, we ALL hang out together to watch movies, play board games, go 4 wheeling, fishing, camping, etc. All "kid friendly activities" that our kids are involved in, and in the case of metamours with children, their children are involved in as well and often our grandchildren join in (they are 3 and 1).

Other poly people prefer to "keep it separated". We found that to be too much of a headache with so many kids.

Again - not to sound like a broken record - but really helpful information and thank you again! Time is a big concern of mine and I worry about the balance of things overall. I think as with other things it's just important to really be open and honest with my wife and really make sure that she knows what time I need and want with her and what I can accept between her and her partner or myself and a partner.

So much stuff! :D
 
You can do a tag search here for Polyamory and children, or Polyamory and kids. Give you a range of how people do it. Personally I first tried practicing poly with my ex h, when our kids were about 9, 12 and 14. I found the angst of opening our marriage for the first time too distracting from my parenting duties, so I backed off for about another 8 years. My ex kept seeing the new gf he had found, though they were long distance so the actual meetings were rather infrequent.

I am a poly girl through and through, but there are times when I don't want to actually practice it. It can be so complicated.

Very helpful advice! I think this is how my wife feels right now and has felt for some time. Personally (really just my opinion..) I think she considered practicing it again but we then decided to have our first child. Now that our second is soon to be here I know a lot of time for the near future will be focusing on him and our daughter and then when the time comes this discussion will come back to the forefront.
 
Finding a local community was the single best thing my husband and I ever did when we were first finding our way in poly. If there is an active local group, I highly recommend trying to connect with them. Being able to relate to others on an issue and ask questions and get immediate feedback and life experiences is incredibly helpful.
 
One thing we found helpful was identifying, of time spent with someone to maintain a bond; which parts NEED to be ALONE.

For all of us-sex time is ALONE time. Date times are USUALLY alone.
But-much of our bonding time is in making meals, buying groceries, household chores, family bbq's, tucking kids into bed etc.
THESE can easily be group activities.

So metamours get involved too. We frequently do large bbq's with extended family-perfect time for metamours or even "potentials" to come meet everyone and no one is left out or insecure or whatever-because we all have friends and family and entertainment around.

This also allows for more time spent with any given partner on a regular basis-because the time isn't being segregated. It's time shared, but it's still more time overall.
 
So metamours get involved too. We frequently do large bbq's with extended family-perfect time for metamours or even "potentials" to come meet everyone and no one is left out or insecure or whatever-because we all have friends and family and entertainment around.

This also allows for more time spent with any given partner on a regular basis-because the time isn't being segregated. It's time shared, but it's still more time overall.

I find that this is actually sort of true and sort of not - I suspect this is my insecurity talking. But it can be difficult for me to hang out with a new partner and their primary partner - sometimes I'm like "yay! they're adorable and happy together!" and sometimes I'm far more in a "grr, I'm being ignored over here" mode. (And this is true for being around my primary partner and one of his lovers as well.) It's something I'm working on, as when it works, big snuggly parties of people we love are wonderful, but it's also something I have to be aware of when planning these things (I'm far more likely to be in "yay" mode if I've had good alone-time with any/all partners in question recently.) But at the moment, too much "group" time ends up leaving me unsatisfied with everyone.
 
Finding a local community was the single best thing my husband and I ever did when we were first finding our way in poly. If there is an active local group, I highly recommend trying to connect with them. Being able to relate to others on an issue and ask questions and get immediate feedback and life experiences is incredibly helpful.

I do intend to look into and participate in this when the time comes. I'm glad to hear it was so great and helpful for you and I hope for the same result!
 
One thing we found helpful was identifying, of time spent with someone to maintain a bond; which parts NEED to be ALONE.

For all of us-sex time is ALONE time. Date times are USUALLY alone.
But-much of our bonding time is in making meals, buying groceries, household chores, family bbq's, tucking kids into bed etc.
THESE can easily be group activities.

So metamours get involved too. We frequently do large bbq's with extended family-perfect time for metamours or even "potentials" to come meet everyone and no one is left out or insecure or whatever-because we all have friends and family and entertainment around.

This also allows for more time spent with any given partner on a regular basis-because the time isn't being segregated. It's time shared, but it's still more time overall.

I find that this is actually sort of true and sort of not - I suspect this is my insecurity talking. But it can be difficult for me to hang out with a new partner and their primary partner - sometimes I'm like "yay! they're adorable and happy together!" and sometimes I'm far more in a "grr, I'm being ignored over here" mode. (And this is true for being around my primary partner and one of his lovers as well.) It's something I'm working on, as when it works, big snuggly parties of people we love are wonderful, but it's also something I have to be aware of when planning these things (I'm far more likely to be in "yay" mode if I've had good alone-time with any/all partners in question recently.) But at the moment, too much "group" time ends up leaving me unsatisfied with everyone.


I kind of feel like what icesong said here; I too feel like at least right now that I couldn't handle this type of scenario due to my insecurity but over time and with more comfort who knows?

I do like your idea of identifying alone time and think that is an excellent thing to do. =]
 
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