In your own words, Poly or Fuck Buddy ?

Another piece of intriguing terminology:

Swinging versus Polyamory.

It's been my thinking that swinging is mostly sex-based, and poly is more "loving relationship" based. However one defines that.

I had an aunt and uncle who were swingers for a LONG time. It's how the defined themselves, or identified...

Oddly though, I think in a way they fit poly more, perhaps. They had another couple that they were good friends with for decades, they'd go to "retreats" to have extramarital sex, and they'd "swap" with their friends. Outside of the adult environment of these little vacations, they were close friends. Only when they left real life and family behind did they explore the sex part of it. When they interacted outside of those trips, they were "just old friends" again.

I don't know that there was any particular legislation of emotions, but I think it was assumed that neither of them were to fall so in love with anyone else that it would come close to the bond between the spouses...but they did maintain ongoing friendships that occasionally involved sex, for many years, with particular people, and I'm sure they were very fond of them.
 
DEFINE: HOOK-UP (what does that look like?): One time sex with a random dude or a friend.

This use of the world "friend" must be an artifact of the Facebook phenomenon, in which any random stranger can be re-named "friend".:rolleyes:
 
DEFINE: HOOK-UP (what does that look like?): One time sex with a random dude or a friend.

This use of the world "friend" must be an artifact of the Facebook phenomenon, in which any random stranger can be re-named "friend".:rolleyes:

Why do you say that? She did say "random dude OR a friend."

It's totally possible to have a close long-term friendship with someone, and one day... things lead to sex, but afterwards you never have sex again but still maintain the friendship.

Why would a one-time hook-up with a friend have to automatically mean that it's not really a true friendship?
 
DEFINE: HOOK-UP (what does that look like?): met someone.(online, at the bar, etc?) Had sex with each other, no strings attached

DEFINE: FUCK-BUDDY (what does THAT look like?): ongoing hook ups, no dating, just sex but friendly rapport (texting, etc)

DEFINE: Primary Poly Relationship ... Entangled partner, possibly married or living together

DEFINE: Secondary Poly Relationship ... Serious relationship i.e. love involved but not entangled

Unlike fuck buddy there is also friends with benefits where you already have a friendship where you start having sex but without the romantic aspect. Friendship remains intact. Possibly hookups or fuck buddies can develop to friends with benefits.
 
Why do you say that? She did say "random dude OR a friend."

It's totally possible to have a close long-term friendship with someone, and one day... things lead to sex, but afterwards you never have sex again but still maintain the friendship.

Why would a one-time hook-up with a friend have to automatically mean that it's not really a true friendship?

I agree with this, I have had a hookup with friends before where it was a one Time thing and the friendship was unaffected
 
Why do you say that? She did say "random dude OR a friend."

It's totally possible to have a close long-term friendship with someone, and one day... things lead to sex, but afterwards you never have sex again but still maintain the friendship.

Why would a one-time hook-up with a friend have to automatically mean that it's not really a true friendship?

The word or phrase "hook-up" seems in common usage to at least connote, if not outright denote, the absence of an emotional connection or bond between those "hooking up." So those "hooking up" cannot therefore be friends -- in my interpretation of the common usage of that word / phrase.

This says nothing about whether friends can have one-time sex with one another without altering the friendship -- which is an altogether different topic than the common usage meaning of "hook up".
 
Upon further research, apparently the word "hook-up," used in a sexual / relationship context is generally ambiguous to some extent -- though there probably is something like "common usage" (though the word seems to remain somewhat vague).

See the second graph here.:


http://bustedhalo.com/features/pure-sex-pure-love-110-conflict-over-hook-up-culture

That graph suggests that those engaging in a "hook-up" (well, women in this case) should conceive of the "hook-up" as not involving any kind of ongoing relationship.

"Not involving any sort of ongoing relationship" (including friendship) is how I've always heard the word used. It's the most "casual" end of the casual spectrum -- so "casual" that the partners of the moment are generally thought to go their own ways and not expect to interact with one another henceforth.

I doubt many teens or twenty-somethings would agree with the idea that folks can "hook-up" with genuine friends. That would be something else, with another name. (I wonder if they have a name for that?)
 
DEFINE: HOOK-UP (what does that look like?): met someone.(online, at the bar, etc?) Had sex with each other, no strings attached

DEFINE: FUCK-BUDDY (what does THAT look like?): ongoing hook ups, no dating, just sex but friendly rapport (texting, etc)

DEFINE: Primary Poly Relationship ... Entangled partner, possibly married or living together

DEFINE: Secondary Poly Relationship ... Serious relationship i.e. love involved but not entangled

Unlike fuck buddy there is also friends with benefits where you already have a friendship where you start having sex but without the romantic aspect. Friendship remains intact. Possibly hookups or fuck buddies can develop to friends with benefits.

What, somewhat precisely, does "entangled" mean. In what sense entangled? What distinguishes people who are entangled from those who are not?
 
I don't think "hook-up" always means no emotional connection. The way it is often used where I live, it simply means no commitment to anything further. That does not preclude loving or friendly feelings. It just means that the main point of getting together is for sex.

Many times, the man I was seeing regularly for over a year -- whom I love deeply and still have a friendship with -- would use the term just to mean he was coming over primarily for a night of sex, but that did not preclude us having deep conversations, playing card games, or doing fun stuff before and/or after the sex. His way of asking me out was to say, "Do you want to hook up?" and that seems to be common with people in his age range around here, even when they are talking about hooking up with friends or ongoing lovers. "She's someone I hook-up with every now and then" is an oft-used way of putting it.

A hook-up isn't the same thing as a one-night-stand, which is definitely when you never see the person again and there is no intention to do so.

Most of these terms are very subjective, anyway, so it is important to ask the person using them what he or she means when they say it. That's why different people have different perceptions of these terms whenever threads like this come up.
 
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I definitely think you can hook up with a friend.

Pretty much the only person I can think of that I would say I "hooked up" with, meaning something sexual* is a friend, who was strictly only a friend before, during, and after. We were not very sexually compatible, I didn't feel our energy was in synch and I don't think either of us blew one another's minds...plus both of us were all headfucked over prior respective partners...so I did not care to repeat the experience ever again. We returned to being platonic friends, like it never happened. Had we continued to include sex in our interactions, it would then be Friends With Benefits...or evolved into more of a relationship thing.

That, to me, was most definitely a "hook up."

So if one doesn't consider it a hook up if it's a strictly one time incident between friends with zero expectation of any sort of "more"...(more sex, or more involvement such as relationship formation, either one)...then what would you call that? I wouldn't say "friends with benefits" because the benefits don't exist past the one time, ongoing consent or access isn't there.

* I also use the term in a completely non-sexual way to indicate a sort of schedule wrangling to just get together. "We'll hook up later, outside, alright?" if spoken to friends at a show where we'll likely be separated in the crowd...does not indicate that we'll be having sex on the sidewalk. I have never had anyone misunderstand this.
 
* I also use the term in a completely non-sexual way to indicate a sort of schedule wrangling to just get together. "We'll hook up later, outside, alright?" if spoken to friends at a show where we'll likely be separated in the crowd...does not indicate that we'll be having sex on the sidewalk. I have never had anyone misunderstand this.
Well, that is the original meaning of the phrase! When our parents and grandparents used it, they meant just getting together. "Meet up" and "hook up" were the same thing. I think it only started having a sexual connotation in the last 10 to 12 years or so, amongst younger folks. There are still plenty of people in the 40s and older that I know who use the term to mean to meet up/get together. I worked with a number of people who were not even remotely aware of the sexual meaning.
 
Well, that is the original meaning of the phrase! When our parents and grandparents used it, they meant just getting together. "Meet up" and "hook up" were the same thing. I think it only started having a sexual connotation in the last 10 to 12 years or so, amongst younger folks. There are still plenty of people in the 40s and older that I know who use the term to mean to meet up/get together. I worked with a number of people who were not even remotely aware of the sexual meaning.

I still use it mostly in the nonsexual context. I'm not quite in my 40's (37) but I'm like...just barely old enough to not care what the kids are saying and doing these days. :D Believe me, I mortify my teenage sons on the regular.

I don't think my grandparents used this phrase at all, though. I'm not sure if my parents did, either. I think it entered my vocabulary sometime in my late teens (late 90s.)
 
Demographics and linguistics... I suppose there is a degree program somewhere which combines the two!:p
 
giggles

Some kids hearing us older folks say, "So, let's hook up in the park later, alright?" will be doing all they can to keep from bursting into unstoppable giggles.
 
I didn't read the whole thread, I admit... I'm getting ready for work and am randomly skimming things I haven't read yet while drinking my coffee. But I have some thoughts on the terms...My definitions may vary from most other people's.

Hook Up I use this to mean sex with someone who is not a committed partner, regardless of how well I know them or whether I intend or expect to have sex with them again. By my definition, sex with someone at a play club is a hook up; so is sex with a friend with benefits (if I had one, which I haven't at the moment).

Fuck-Buddy I would use this to mean someone I meet up with solely for sex. We don't hang out, we don't go places together, we just get together somewhere, fool around and fuck, and part ways happy until the next time we decide to meet up. A fuck-buddy is an ongoing thing, in my lexicon.

Friend With Benefits Put simply, a friend with whom I have sex. There might be the expectation or at least hope that we'll have sex every time we get together, but sex isn't *why* we get together. We might get together to watch a movie, or go for a walk, or whatever, and then sex happens if we feel like it. Also an ongoing thing. (If I were to have sex with a friend and it was a one-time thing, that would be a hook-up but not a FWB situation.)

Primary Poly Relationship/Secondary Poly Relationship I'm putting these two together because personally, I don't do hierarchy. I currently have one partner, Hubby, who is more entangled in my life than my boyfriend is, because Hubby and I are legally married, share a lease, share finances, file taxes together, etc., whereas my boyfriend and I don't have any of those things.

However... For me, "more entangled" is about the logistical side of things. "Primary/secondary" is more about the emotions and the role each person plays in your life aside from the mundane logistics. From that perspective, ANYONE with whom I'm in a committed relationship, as in we've said "We're in a relationship, and we're staying together" and we work at doing so, is a primary. I don't have secondaries. Everyone with whom I'm in a relationship is equally important in my life and holds an equal place in my mind and heart; they just are important for different reasons, because they're different people.

I guess my intermediate step between FWB and relationship would be "dating", where you've determined that you are and want to be more than friends, but you haven't made any form of commitment to one another yet. I wouldn't consider that a secondary relationship, because it isn't a relationship yet.
 
Another piece of intriguing terminology:

Swinging versus Polyamory.

It's been my thinking that swinging is mostly sex-based, and poly is more "loving relationship" based. However one defines that.

My husband doesn't identify as a swinger because random hookups don't appeal to him but he's also both interested in a. Romantic relationship with anyone else so he's not poly either. He enjoys having multiple fuck buddies or fwb.

I don't.like having casual sex, I want a romantic relationship with my partners.but I really don't want to be with someone who is poly either. Dealing with metamours or sharing space isn't something that appeals to me
 
Answer to the question, "What is 'entangled'?"

Marriage, cohabitation, shared finances, children etc

Asked in relation to this:

DEFINE: Primary Poly Relationship ... Entangled partner, possibly married or living together

DEFINE: Secondary Poly Relationship ... Serious relationship i.e. love involved but not entangled

Okay, I think I get it. "Entanglement" isn't about feelings or level of commitment or involvement, here, but about practical considerations about daily living?
 
Answer to the question, "What is 'entangled'?"



Asked in relation to this:



Okay, I think I get it. "Entanglement" isn't about feelings or level of commitment or involvement, here, but about practical considerations about daily living?

That has always been my understanding of it.

Of course it's usually seen as a certain stage in a relationship, the commonly held ideologies about "the relationship escalator" are there for reasons. It often makes good logistical sense to entangle, even if one's goal isn't family, just because sharing living costs can be beneficial...but there is a certain amount of TRUST you've got to have for that.

So along with the reality of combining life logistics...entanglement also implies a certain amount of emotional investment if one is a sensible person, because you are risking more and trusting more...
 
labels, labels, labels. They have a place for quick reference, but never let the term define the relationship based on some arbitrary societal convention. Rather than what it's called, focus on building connections with people.

If she's a unicorn at all, she's dodging the hunters and dashing through the enchanted wood. Or at least, naked, through her own apartment, on her own. :p

That's the part I always found funny. Unicorns have magic horns. You don't just "catch" them, they're frickin magical!
 
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