In search of advice.... help?

hairqueen

New member
So.... I really hope I came to the right place for this..

I'm Cristine, I'm 22 and I've been married for 2 years..
Recently my husband asked me for permission to step out of the marriage and basically have a one-night stand.
Well over weeks of talking about it we decided that I'm okay with him having a relationship with someone else as long as I don't get forgotten about.. So that lead into further talk of us completely opening up our marriage and him having a girl-friend because I feel safer that way(STDs are very high in the city we live in.)
Well then we started talking about us both being open... thats when it got messy. The SECOND i started showing interest in actually taking part in all this he says... "you have taken what I wanted in the first place and twisted it into what you want." and then said that we will just scratch the whole idea and figure something else out to save our marriage.
Oh yeah... This all started because all we do fight and he is always very angry with me.
So anyways... now I feel like he just wanted permission to go cheat on me rather than actually try something new that might work for us.
Can anyone give some form of advise or anything on that?
 
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Your husband can't have his cake and eat it too.

If he gets to be poly then you should get the same option.

The bigger issue is if your relationship isn't 150% rock solid the chances of successfully being poly and having your marriage survive are slim to none. Poly is like throwing a flashlight in a previously broken vase that was fixed cheap glue. When you turn off the lights you're going to see every crack magnified 10 fold.
 
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Thats kind of my thought, I read this book The Ethical Slut... And it opened my eyes a lot to having a poly lifestyle...
I also agree that since were not rock solid this could be a huge mistake.. I honestly don't know what else to do...
His desire for me has completely gone away and everything i do irks him..
He cries and feels so bad about it but nothing we do is working.
We're such a young couple and love each other so much.
 
Love is not enough to sustain a marriage and have it be satisfying for both parties. There are other things to be done, like looking at what kind of partnership you have (equal or not?), how you communicate, how safe each of you feels to be yourselves, etc.

Every person in a love relationship needs to feel respected, valued, heard, safe, and that that they matter to the other person. If you don't have all those things, poly or swinging ain't gonna help - in fact, it will only hurt.

I think the best thing to do at this point would be to find a good marriage counselor to talk about the issues with a third party present who can see the dynamic you've both created. The outcome may or may not be that you stay together, but it is imperative that you both see things for what they are and address them. I don't think it will be possible to cultivate and nurture a strong foundation in your marriage without counseling or therapy as a first step.
 
I really thank both of you for your advise!
I will be talking with him about seeing a couseler some time soon...
I really do thank you!
 
Sometimes love isn't enough. Though he's certainly not acting like he loves you if he's constantly angry at you. Has he seen anyone to see if he's suffering from a hormonal imbalance or depression? I'd rule that out as the first thing I did.

My husband and I got married when I was 18 and he was 19. We opened up when he fell in love with a friend of ours almost 8 years ago. We're now looking at how to change our relationship so that I'm no longer hurt by the fact that he's much more compatible with his girlfriend now than he is with me. It's not easy transitioning from a primary partner to a secondary one. It sounds like that's what your husband wants you to do, but unlike mine, isn't okay with you dating also. Believe me, it will be easier to break up now if that's what needs to happen, than in 20 years.
 
I got together with my husband when we were twenty but did not marry for a long time. We have been in therapy every few years to cope with changing, and unchanging, relationship dynamics. I too suggest that time with a therapist who suits your needs would be very advisable.

This is not a cheerful thing to hear but part of the problem may be your youth. The two of you got together before you have finished growing up. The human brain is still developing in the early twenties, and for some people even later.

"By the late 20s, "there's better communication between parts of the brain that process emotions and social information—like what people think of you—and the parts that are important for planning ahead and balancing risk and reward," says developmental psychologist Laurence Steinberg of Temple University." http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10000872396390443713704577601532208760746

It is possible that while you love each other like crazy you have grown in different directions and staying together is not going to be good for either of you. Your husband's anger, and your willingness to put up with it long term are things that could be addressed in therapy.

Leetah
 
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I really appreciate everyone for their great responses and advice.
Makes me feel a little less ...crazy?
I will definitely talk with him about therapy, I have a bad feeling he will have a negative response to that but I remain with wishful thinking/hopes/prayers and positive energy.
All of this mess has got me feeling like I need a personal therapist .. Or an extended vacation.
All of you have been so helpful :)
 
and figure something else out to save our marriage.
Couples counseling

NOW

or your marriage is already over, unable to survive past the honeymoon NRE nesting phase.

You husband may be highly intelligent & an all-around great guy -- but he's ACTING like a boneheaded jerk working up to overt abuse.

My guess is that the first session for the two of you should take place by about September 15th, or your marriage is dead.

Best of luck.
 
Hi, hairqueen, and welcome!
So.... I really hope I came to the right place for this..
Time will tell. You seem to appreciate the advice that you've had so far...

There seems to be some confusion of issues going on here. As I read it (and PLEASE tell me if I got this wrong),

a) your husband [of 2 years] and you were always fighting;

b) to "save your marriage" he came up with the brilliant idea of having a one-night stand;

c) I rather assume that you meant a SERIES of one-night stands, since

d) rather than run the higher risk [of picking up STDs] with this series of one-night stands, it was YOU who talked him into getting a girlfriend (i.e. you'd rather that he was with one other woman for many nights than with many women for one night each);

e) once this can of worms was opened up, you began to consider the possibility of having a boyfriend yourself;

f) at which point, your husband gets all upset, accuses you of "tak[ing] what I wanted in the first place and twist[ing] it into what you want";

g) he announces that an open marriage doesn't seem to be the solution, after all, and that you'll both "just scratch the whole idea and figure something else out to save our marriage".

I can understand the accusation in f) in 2 ways, and I'd appreciate some clarification. He could have meant:
"I was talking about my getting some casual sex, and here you are talking about relationships";
or "I was talking about my wants and needs, and you've twisted it, introducing the totally irrelevant matter of your wants and needs. This was about me, me, ME... and you've perverted it into being about us!"

Then again, he may have meant both at the same time. What's your take on this?

Therapy might help, if you really want to save your marriage. But he'd have to be willing to put in a WHOLE lot of work to stop being such a self-centred bozo.

Another option would be to cut your losses and walk away from the jerk.

Try the therapy, by all means. But unless he's willing to take an HONEST look at himself, and start respecting your needs a helluva lot more, there's not a lot of hope. Therapy isn't getting an expert to solve your problems, it's getting an expert to help you see where YOU need to put a lot of energy into solving your own problems.

I can see poly working for you. I can't see it working for him... unless he makes some radical changes in the way he relates to YOU (and to relationships in general).
 
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Whether he is negative about therapy or not you certainly should look into it for yourself. You sound like you have been doing some introspecting and developing, a therapist can help you make sense of it all.

Leetah
 
We're such a young couple and love each other so much.
I apologise for harping on about this, but are you sure that this is true? You might love him so much, but if he saw one-night stands as "a way to save the marriage", that hints at him thinking that the marriage was in serious danger of going kaputt. If his "way to save the marriage" only deals with his getting his way and he balks at your modifying his original plan into something that might help both of you, then - just maybe - he doesn't loved you "so much".

Of course, my 2 comments might be based on my misunderstanding your OP, which is why I beg for clarification.

I wish you nothing but the best.
.
 
Yeah you pretty much hit it on the head.
Quoting him.. "You still get off, i struggle to get off, I need something else. Not you."
But in the positive:
I spoke with him last night about going to talk to someone and he agreed that it would be a good idea. So we will be finding a counselor that fits our needs soon and hopefully it will get better
 
Yeah you pretty much hit it on the head.
Quoting him.. "You still get off, i struggle to get off, I need something else. Not you."
Oh, my sweet goodness! I really don't want to be a downer, especially if he has agreed to counselling. (Make sure that you find one who's not ANTI-poly, who won't slap this idea down right from the start. Personally, I don't think that it's the best solution for both of you yet, because I don't think that your husband is capable - just now - of poly. Swinging, maybe, but that's another barrel of tar. But ideally a counsellor should have an open mind.)

You have a way of reporting events (or he has a way of speaking) that causes doubts about your/his meaning. Let's see if I guessed right this time:

a) "You still get off, I struggle to get off" Since you were only at the discussion stage about potential of having other partners, I assume that this isn't about "getting off" with somebody else, but that he/you mean "get off sexually", i.e. have an orgasm. You do: he has trouble doing so. But he used the word "still", meaning that it's a relatively new problem for him.
If this is the case, either
1) you have ceased to turn him on sexually; or
2) there is some way you act that leaves him cold; or
3) he has ceased to love you as much as he did, which inhibits him from losing himself / "losing control" in the sexual act; or
4) he's having problems with his own libido. (In which case, other partners aren't going to help matters.)
Whichever is the case, it needs to be brought up with the counsellor. Perhaps all 4 possibilities mentioned... and any others that occur to you.

b) "I need something else. Not you." This could mean
i) "I need something else. You don't." In which case you and your counsellor should deal with why your husband decides what you need. (All this recent fighting must be a drain on you. At the very least you need a sympathetic ear. It would be a plus to have someone tell you that you deserve to be loved.)
ii) "I need something else. I don't need you." Hoo boy! If this is the case, it's obvious that you need to talk about it.

Good luck with the counselling!
Have a hug from me.
MFFR

p.s. You deserve to be loved. Now keep telling yourself that!
 
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"You still get off, i struggle to get off, I need something else. Not you."
Oh... dear. Ow. I've grown a thick skin over the years, but that made my heart hurt to even THINK about. :(

Resentment, blaming, simmering anger, demands, superiority... none of this speaks well for him.

And the demand for the right to have sex elsewhere becomes less a way of healing himself than of punishing you.

You indicate that all this stuff is new to you.

His words indicate that this has been festering for months, maybe years. I might take that long again to unpack, sort out, & repair. I hope he's ready for that degree of commitment.
 
Hairqueen,

I'm sorry this is all happening to you.

Please do not feel I'm being critical, as I'm not. I'm trying to help...

I read something recently that noted the top three things that cause divorce. One of them is marrying before the age of 25. You can't fix that now, in the sense of magically making yourself >25. But, understand you have a road ahead of you that is going to be at least somewhat uphill.

Many young people, whether they realize it or not, have a belief that love is the most important and only thing that truly matters in marriage. This simply isn't true. Marriage is a many faceted thing, with love being one part of it. Loving each other will not be enough. There's good news in that though; much of the other things are conscious decisions you can make to help the marriage prosper. A counselor can help you with those things.

I will echo * 1000 what others have said here. Nobody should be considering opening their marriage up to other relationships without the marriage being on very solid ground. You are not on solid ground. If this is attempted, it will kill your marriage. His words alone are proof the two of you are not ready for this. You've received an education in this, and maybe somewhere down the road you might be able to venture this direction. But, this is years in the future.

Right now, the two of you have to focus on you. And please, do not get pregnant while you're working on stabilizing your marriage.
 
You hit it right on the head...
He is upset because he can't "get off" with me hardly anymore and since I can and do that i shouldn't "need" to be with anyone else..
On the positive note he did agree to counseling :)
So hopefully we can work through this, and maybe one day touch back on the idea of being with other people. The more and more I think about it and research and talk to people who do practice polyamory the more appealing it sounds to me. I have so much love to give if i gave it all to one person... I'd probably suffocate him.
 
hmm for some reason my computer didn't load on the responses on here until after i replied.
You all have given me so much great advice and have really helped ease my mind!
There is no way for me to thank you as much as I would like to!
As for getting pregnant, thats not really a worry with us. My body doesn't ovulate unless medicated so me getting pregnant without $100+ pills is not likely unless thats what God wanted..(sorry is that offends anyone..)
 
Oh, my sweet goodness! I really don't want to be a downer, especially if he has agreed to counselling. (Make sure that you find one who's not ANTI-poly, who won't slap this idea down right from the start. Personally, I don't think that it's the best solution for both of you yet, because I don't think that your husband is capable - just now - of poly. Swinging, maybe, but that's another barrel of tar. But ideally a counsellor should have an open mind.)

You have a way of reporting events (or he has a way of speaking) that causes doubts about your/his meaning. Let's see if I guessed right this time:

a) "You still get off, I struggle to get off" Since you were only at the discussion stage about potential of having other partners, I assume that this isn't about "getting off" with somebody else, but that he/you mean "get off sexually", i.e. have an orgasm. You do: he has trouble doing so. But he used the word "still", meaning that it's a relatively new problem for him.
If this is the case, either
1) you have ceased to turn him on sexually; or
2) there is some way you act that leaves him cold; or
3) he has ceased to love you as much as he did, which inhibits him from losing himself / "losing control" in the sexual act; or
4) he's having problems with his own libido. (In which case, other partners aren't going to help matters.)
Whichever is the case, it needs to be brought up with the counsellor. Perhaps all 4 possibilities mentioned... and any others that occur to you.

b) "I need something else. Not you." This could mean
i) "I need something else. You don't." In which case you and your counsellor should deal with why your husband decides what you need. (All this recent fighting must be a drain on you. At the very least you need a sympathetic ear. It would be a plus to have someone tell you that you deserve to be loved.)
ii) "I need something else. I don't need you." Hoo boy! If this is the case, it's obvious that you need to talk about it.

Good luck with the counselling!
Have a hug from me.
MFFR

p.s. You deserve to be loved. Now keep telling yourself that!


I don't really know why he struggles to have an orgasm... At first he blamed it on some weight gain on my part, then he told me this has been happening since right after we got married and I hadn't gained weight then. Now its just REALLY bad and hes saying that he doesn't actually think it has anything to do with me. :confused:
I'm honest horrified of what a counsler is going to say.
 
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