My wife's boyfriend?

princeofcats

New member
I'v recently found out my wife has an online boyfriend. l'm ok with it all but how do I tell her I'm ok with her relationship without telling her how I found out? She was in a poly relationship when she was younger.
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Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

Oscar Wilde
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Well-at the point where you say "without" you presume it's ok to lie by omission in a relationship. From experience I would say that does not bode well for the relationship....

For your basic question-try "honey I found out about joe blow and I felt it important to let you know that I love you enough I would prefer we could both be radically honest with one another so I could tell you that this is not an issue for me, over you feeling you must keep secrets from me."
 
I think the pure honest approach is the best. Admit how you found out and say that you are ok with her having a bf.

A second option would just to bring up the subject of polyamory and ask her what she thinks about it. See if that leads anywhere.

A third (and most evasive) option would be to ask the hypothetical question, "What would she do if she found out you had an online gf?"

Good luck.
 
Well, she already believes I am having an affair with a coworker. She sees it as an emotional affair. She told me that he doesn’t think I really love her but I do have a connection with this person. But if I hand the same relationship with a man it would be ok, on most parts.
 
Sounds like you two need a heart-to-heart discussion on your relationship, satisfaction, and desires for more.

It sounds like she is justifying her online-relationship to herself by convincing herself that you're outside the martial bounds as well.

Frankly, you both appear to desire a somewhat more open marriage. If you're cool with it, maybe she is too. But you need a VERY strong foundation to build from! And that starts with you two being COMPLETELY honest with one another. Because it only gets more complicated, LOL.

Good luck! And just be yourself and be honest. She loves you and married you for a reason.
Tech.
 
I've spoke to my wife about my coworker. I told her I felt she was being posessive, as opposed to being jealous. Jealousy is wanting something someone else has. Posession is not wanting anyone to have what you have. She fears someone will steal me away. Any thoughts about this topic?
 
Sure-why does she fear that. there is something inside that makes her feel like she isn't worthy in some way or another, for some reason or another- or she wouldn't be afraid someone could take you away.
That's question one and without that-there's no resolving the issue.
 
I've sent her an email telling her its OK to have aboyfriend. Wish me luck.

Thank everyone.
 
I've spoke to my wife about my coworker. I told her I felt she was being posessive, as opposed to being jealous. Jealousy is wanting something someone else has. Posession is not wanting anyone to have what you have. She fears someone will steal me away. Any thoughts about this topic?

Just to toss in another perspective, our views are very different:

Jealousy is "wanting something that is rightfully yours, but has been taken by another, or has been given to another."

Envy--or coveting--is "wanting something that is not rightfully yours, but you want nonetheless."

Possessiveness is "selfish desire not to share what you have--whether rightfully yours or not--with anyone else."
 
Just to toss in another perspective, our views are very different:

Jealousy is "wanting something that is rightfully yours, but has been taken by another, or has been given to another."

Envy--or coveting--is "wanting something that is not rightfully yours, but you want nonetheless."

Possessiveness is "selfish desire not to share what you have--whether rightfully yours or not--with anyone else."

Just a quick dictionary.com check and I found:

Jealous
4. Inclined to or troubled by suspicions or fears of rivalry

Jealousy
1. Jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

Envy
1. A feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions, etc.

Possessiveness
1. Jealously opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one's own upon spouse.

I think my wife doesn't want me to be influenced away from her by another woman. This would fall into the possessive category.

I heard it explained this way by Kidder Kapper. It enlightened me on the concept.

Prince of Cats
 
As we said, it's another perspective. We're not real fans of the way language has changed over the years to dissolve the real differences in concepts between the two terms.

We stand by our view of things. :)
 
As we said, it's another perspective. We're not real fans of the way language has changed over the years to dissolve the real differences in concepts between the two terms.

We stand by our view of things. :)

I'll bite. :)
Tell me your views so I can understand-because all of it's fairly new to us anyway! :)
 
Just to toss in another perspective, our views are very different:

Jealousy is "wanting something that is rightfully yours, but has been taken by another, or has been given to another."

Envy--or coveting--is "wanting something that is not rightfully yours, but you want nonetheless."

Possessiveness is "selfish desire not to share what you have--whether rightfully yours or not--with anyone else."


I'm noticing the running theme of "rightfully yours". Could you define what that means in this context?
 
I'm noticing the running theme of "rightfully yours". Could you define what that means in this context?

If something is "rightfully yours" then it's something that you either "own" or have been "given".

Bex and I have "given" each other our lives, our love, our sexuality, our sensuality, our friendship, etc. wrapped up in a relationship and defined in very specific ways. Either of us can justifiably experience "jealousy" whenever one or the other gives so someone outside our relationship anything that is defined as "ours" within the relationship.

So, for instance, penetration is something that we have defined as requiring a committed relationship. If Ben goes out and starts up a relationship with another woman and gives her penetration, Bex can be legitimately jealous--because we have defined that as something that happens only within a committed relationship that we have both agreed to.

If Ben desires to be with another woman who is married and their marriage relationship does not allow for her to freely give her sexuality to another, then he would be "envious" of her (no "rights" to her).

Envy could also be defined as seeing his buddy's awesome custom Harley and wanting *that specific Harley*. That specific Harley is not Ben's and he has no rights to it whatsoever. So, that would be envy.

If Ben took his buddy's Harley, and his buddy wanted it back, his buddy would "jealous" that Ben had his Harley (presuming that Ben took it unlawfully). If Ben paid his buddy for it and his buddy wanted it back, then his buddy would be envious--because he no longer has rights to it.

In our faith, God has the right to be jealous of any worship of any other thing than Him--because all worship is rightfully His, since he created us to worship Him. He does not demand our entire love and affection and freely gives us the right to love one another (in fact, He commands it). But our worship is His and His alone. Thus, "Our God is a jealous God" implies no sin on His part--because our worship is his right and when given to another, He is rightfully jealous of whatever has stolen what is His right.

Does that help you understand our perspective?

We think it applies quite well to poly relationships because how you define your relationship helps to define whether you are envious (having no right to lay claim to something) or jealous (having every right to lay claim to something).

If you say your spouse is "free to love another"--then you feel those tugs of stress over it, then you're feeling envy, not jealousy. If you have defined it as a particular set of circumstances (only on alternate weekends, and only oral pleasure) and they step beyond those rules (weekdays and/or penetration), then you have the right to be jealous of something that was yours and taken from you.
 
I don't know if I agree with all of your views.

BUT

You did a magnificent job of explaining it and I greatly appreciate your explanation! Much food for thought, I am going to tell Maca to read your post!!
Thank you.
:D :) ;)
 
As we said, it's another perspective. We're not real fans of the way language has changed over the years to dissolve the real differences in concepts between the two terms.

One of the things I love about language is it's ability to grow and evolve with the societies that it inhabits. Even the biblical definitions you cite have been translated and re-translated from cultures that are very foreign to ours. That's what interpretation is for. It's how we find the way to attach ideas to words in ways that are relevant and can be understood in the context of the society that uses them. So for me, it's only natural that definitions for things such as envy and jealousy evolve to be more relevant to the people that use them

We think it applies quite well to poly relationships because how you define your relationship helps to define whether you are envious (having no right to lay claim to something) or jealous (having every right to lay claim to something).


For myself, I can't apply the definitions you use to polyamory because I don't view another person or their love as something that I lay claim to or something that is rightfully mine. I think for myself, love falls under the category of grace. Grace is neither deserved or rightfully belongs to anyone. It's simply there to be appreciated and treasured. For me, the love I have for a partner or receive from a partner is not a possession for me to hold, but a grace for me to appreciate every day.
 
I think for myself, love falls under the category of grace. Grace is neither deserved or rightfully belongs to anyone. It's simply there to be appreciated and treasured. For me, the love I have for a partner or receive from a partner is not a possession for me to hold, but a grace for me to appreciate every day.

That's just cool!...I like it.
 
not to only link my threads, but as I know what I have written in the past and what came of it..... some thoughts on jealous and envy.... there is tons of stuff on the definition etc... if you do a search.

mory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=698&highlight=jealousy
 
I did have a talk with my wife and it when horribly but with now we are OK. I guess it's insecurity. I know that if some other guy steals her away, then she has changed as a person and is no longer the woman I'm in a relationship with.

God love her, though. I know I do.;)

I like that there is an ongoing conversation about the Jealousy/Possessiveness :pthing. Makes you think about what is going on or not going on in your relations.

Thanks to everyone.:D
 
My wifes boyfriend

Understanding exposure doesnt talk about flash. The good thing about digital photography is you can try it and see, but you do need to know the basics. Have a look at the FAQs in the lighting thread.
 
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