Help: New to open relationship but in the dog house for "cheating"

To make this more of a shorter story I will keep it to the basic facts of this situation: I have been with my partner for almost 5 years now but have been swinging for almost 4. Just recently, we have been talking about separate adventures. He was going away for a few days and we both decided that it might be a good idea to try for me going off on my own while he was gone.

I ended up meeting with someone and truth be told, it was fun. I enjoyed it but couldn't help but feel as though it was wrong. After telling my partner about it, he was very upset and threatened to leave me... Saying some very mean things but well within his right. I was supposed to communicate with him everything, when I was going, as it was happening, sending live updates (pictures/videos) but I did none of it... This is why he was so upset. I don't know why but I thought it would be good idea to make it a surprise and send him the media. I realize this was not the right way to go about this.

Since he was away on a trip, we didn't see each other for 4 days. Over that time, I apologized, he apologized but still very hurt. Since we've been living together and built a life together, we are both very open and sexual beings. Even though he was mad at me, he was still turned on by the thought of another man taking me. For a while, he went back and forth between being turned on and hurt.

He was mostly upset due to the lack of communication and who the person actually was. He told me he was concerned for my safety but he knew what type of person he was (all about conquest and only wanted to "have me" when convenient to him. Wanting to use me...) the person I saw was also someone who I have been with in the past, years before I met my partner. I believe he is upset because of that too. I expressed to him that there were no emotional connections and that it was STRICTLY sexual. I got what I wanted out of him and left. Nothing more, nothing less.

The day he came back, he was being very passive aggressive. We are generally a very kinky couple but he was being more possessive with what he wanted from me. I did everything that he asked so I wouldn't upset him any further. He had requests from me before coming home. Once he did, he took my phone and started to read through my conversations. We allow each other to openly read through our phones regardless of this situation.

Since I "wanted" to be a "slut" he was degrading me and pushing me to my limits. He made me beg to have him and wouldn't let me near him until I proved to him that I deserved him. I felt like a piece of property but I know I deserved it. Every time I looked at him, I could see the pain in his eyes. I hurt me, SO much, knowing that I was the cause of his pain. It was heartbreaking.

Throughout the whole intimate session, he forced me into submission. Every time I tried to be more "loving", he flipped the switch and became aggressive. We generally have rough sex but this was different. He was trying to prove a point. That I knew.

Obviously our bodies can't lie, we both enjoyed what was happening. After he finished, he told me he had fun but I still wasn't off the hook for what I did. He told me to wash up and get ready for bed. I was pleased to hear this because the night it happened, he told me to never expect him to sleep in the same bed as me again... I crawled into bed and kept my distance but still was close enough to have him within my touch.

This morning before he left for work, he gave me a hug and told me he would see me tonight. I wasn't expecting it but he kissed me and said good bye. It is our normal routine to hug/kiss each other each morning. It was the most meaningful kiss to me since he actually allowed it.

Even though he is talking with me and actually slept with me, I'm afraid of what is going to happen now. I know the dynamic of our relationship is going to be different and that he might never trust me again but I am hopeful. I am looking for advice how to process all of this and moving forward from it. I don't want to become "clingy" and I don't want to create too much distance either.

I don't necessarily believe I cheated but I know what I did was wrong since I didn't communicate and follow his directions. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
 
You may want to ask a moderator to move this to one of the threads meant for asking for advice. Life stories and blogs is generally intended less for advice asking (or giving) but rather for posting about one's journey. However, that is not really obvious when new to the site and it is totally your call.

That said, your partner is being unreasonable. If the both of you agreed that you could be with someone else on your own, that is not cheating. He apparently realized that you having sex with someone else without his presence really bothered him. We don't always know how we will react to things. That happens.

However, he is punishing you over something you both agreed to. That's not cheating - that's discovering some unexpected emotional vulnerabilities/reactions. You did not cheat. He clearly has some issues with the person you had sex with. Again, that's also a common reaction. But it's not cheating.

You weren't wrong. You didn't cheat. You were not untrustworthy.

You tried something both of you agreed to and it did not sit well with him. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Threatening to leave you? Calling you vicious names? Fucking you brutally? (Bodies respond - women do sometimes orgasm when being raped. It does not mean that what happened is acceptable.) He's monitoring your every move? Being passive aggressive to you? This is all borderline abusive. It's not ok.

You know what happened? He thought he would find you being someone else to be super hot. It was but he also got his feelings hurt. Yes, he is hurting but he is taking that out on you. That is unacceptable. Adults accept that feelings get hurt, that it is sometimes no one's fault, and that one is responsible for managing one's own feelings. He is taking out his pain on you. That is not acceptable. It is not what a true partner does. And you deserve none of this. In fact, if you had cheated, you would still not deserve this treatment.
 
Look, you guys agreed you could experiment. So you did. And he did not like how you experimented, and is now acting out at you.

The experiment may not have gone how each of you imagined, but you guys agreed to experiment -- and sometimes experiments don't go as planned. They are experiments not schedules.

When you apologize to get him to back off? It's abuse, hon. You are not apologizing because you did something bad. You are apologizing in hopes that he backs off so NEW bad things don't happen to you. I don't know if your mind is clear enough to see that. :( But I'm not going to tell you to stop apologizing if in the moment you need to do that to be safe from fresh harm.

I hope you see this treatment is wrong though. LIE your butt off and apologize if you have to in order to be safe in the moment, but then ALSO do something about your long term safety. Reach out for help. Family, friends, women's shelter. Get away from here.

Since I "wanted" to be a "slut" he was degrading me and pushing me to my limits. He made me beg to have him and wouldn't let me near him until I proved to him that I deserved him. I felt like a piece of property but I know I deserved it

He was passive aggressive, aggressive, degrading, going past your limits... Hon, this sounds like rape. This is not sounding like a consensual kink scene. :(

You may need various safety plans. Please get away from this man.

http://www.thehotline.org/help/path-to-safety/

Def don't kink with an angry person ever again. That's putting yourself in a dangerous situation. You do NOT deserve to be hurt like that when doing a scene. He's punishing you because he feels yucky. That's not cool. He could do his emotional management in healthier ways than taking it out of your hide and abusing you.

You do NOT deserve this. I am worried that you think you do deserve it. You do NOT.

Your agreements with him sound way too enmeshed to me. Like he doesn't trust you and that's what these agreements are for. For him to keep you on a leash.

I was supposed to communicate with him everything, when I was going, as it was happening, sending live updates (pictures/videos) but I did none of it... This is why he was so upset.

Oh? And your sex partner doesn't get a voice in this? It's his experience too, maybe he doesn't want it filmed or photographed or shared. Your dude is only thinking about his own jollies.

He told me he was concerned for my safety but he knew what type of person he was (all about conquest and only wanted to "have me" when convenient to him. Wanting to use me...)

Oh? He knew this was the kind of person he was? Yet agreed for you to go there anyway? Sounds like he was after his own jollies and not really all that concerned about your safety.

The safety concern only came up as excuse later. I think this is "I don't want the other guy to take my property away (you)."

So now he wants to act out at you about it. So he thinly veils as "concern" for your safety as excuse to rage at you. How's he helping to make you feel safe NOW when he's hurling rage your way?

The safety concern can be addressed in other ways -- there's even apps like kite string. So I don't think this is about your safety even if he pretends it is.

he took my phone and started to read through my conversations. We allow each other to openly read through our phones regardless of this situation.

Why is this agreement even in place? Everyone needs privacy. Not because anything hinky is going on, but because people need to be separate individuals and NOT all enmeshed. "Share everything" is weird, suffocating and controlling. It is NOT romantic. I could be wrong but I guess it's him who wants this phone thing. And you went along with it.

I agree with opalescent. This all seems borderline abusive if not outright abusive.

You deserve to be treated WELL. With dignity, respect, worth, and value. He's not doing any of that here.

Please be safe. And please consider ending it.

Galagirl
 
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I was supposed to communicate with him everything, when I was going, as it was happening, sending live updates (pictures/videos) but I did none of it....

This is not typical, so just make sure that the other person has approved of your sharing the photos and videos.
 
Hi AnimatedArtist12,

I get that you broke an agreement when you didn't keep your partner constantly updated on what was going on, but I still think he overreacted. I guess my advice right now is to keep us updated here, whatever else you do. That way we can give you updated advice.

I stop short of saying, "Break up with him now," but I can certainly understand why the others are saying that. He's not being kind or understanding toward you. His "concern for your safety" strikes me as downright condescending.

You're reacting to his rage by feeling guilty. He shouldn't be clobbering you with his rage, and he doesn't deserve your contrition. For crying out loud, the only reason you strayed from the agreement is because you thought he'd be pleased. An error, but not done out of spite.

And what's this stuff about you being a slut? Both of you have already been swingers, for crying out loud. Like I said, he was way overreacting. All you did was goof up on the details. That's a far cry from cheating.

At least that's how I see it ...
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Def don't kink with an angry person ever again. That's putting yourself in a dangerous situation. You do NOT deserve to be hurt like that when doing a scene. He's punishing you because he feels yucky. That's not cool. He could do his emotional management in healthier ways than taking it out of your hide and abusing you.

Playing while you are angry is not a good idea. I understand that sex and kink can be connective and positive (I am in two 24/7 kink relations on both sides of the slash), but playing when there are wrong negative emotions is not a good idea.

I think only you can decide weather or not it was rape, but I do agree that his actions are very unhealthy here and continued patterns of this behavior would be classified as abuse.
 
I was supposed to communicate with him everything, when I was going, as it was happening, sending live updates (pictures/videos) but I did none of it... This is why he was so upset. I don't know why but I thought it would be good idea to make it a surprise and send him the media. I realize this was not the right way to go about this.
Was this even an agreement, or just unspoken expectations?
 
Your partner was wrong to treat you the way he has, in my opinion. As you said, he's punishing you, and clearly you didn't entirely enjoy it or you wouldn't have posted here for advice.

Like others, I'm also concerned about your level of agreed-upon sharing. Do your other partners know that by getting involved with you they're essentially agreeing to be part of a porn movie? Are they aware that you and your partner read everyone's messages? If they aren't aware of those things, especially being filmed while fucking, I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure that's against the law. At the very least, it's unethical and wrong to film someone having sex without their knowledge or consent.

i don't know whether your other partners have agreed to this. You don't say, and you haven't been back to this thread to answer the others who've asked. But I certainly hope your other partners are giving you informed consent for this stuff.
 
He wanted you to send pictures and live videos of you having sex with someone without even knowing that would be okay with whomever your partner would be? That is just wrong.

And now he's gaslighting you and making you believe you deserve to be treated like shit. He is a bully. Ugh.

Part of me questions whether this post is actually real or a made up story.
 
Part of me questions whether this post is actually real or a made up story.

Occured to me too, since she hasn't been back - look at her nickname :)
 
The reason why I haven't been back on this thread is because I have been trying to work some things out with him. I have been reading all of your comments and have been taking some things into consideration.

We ended up having a long talk about what happened and I AM completely at fault for how things went down. I SHOULD have kept him in the loop about what I was doing and it wasn't fair of me to make him think I was cheating.

As far as the "rape" goes... I want to clarify. I was NOT raped. I gave full consent for him to do what he did. I never said no, nor did I tell him to stop. Given the circumstances, was what he did mean? Yes. Was what he did probably wrong? Again, yes. But I was not defiled in anyway. I felt degraded but I was never in any real harm. I did tell him to go easy at one point, that it hurt and he slowed down.

During the conversation we had, he apologized for treating me the way that he did and he felt wrong for doing so. We both felt disgusted with how things turned out... again, I was not raped. I knew what he did wasn't loving though... to keep the point about our conversation short, we came to the agreement that we still wanted to make things work. I was going to work on being more open with my communication and we were both going to keep an open mind moving forward.

For the past couple of days, everything has felt fine... great in fact. I felt as though I was opening up more and being more of my out going and bubbly self. It seemed as though he was more open as well and getting back to being happy and goofy with me.

However, out of no where, today he started to text me and say that he feels like he needs to fuck someone new. Which I totally understand since in the past we have been swingers and openly sexual with what we want. The thing that felt off to me was when I told him I would work on finding someone, he out right said, "no you won't... you still haven't gotten me your film."

I told him that I have been trying and that the person that I was with during the experience has not been replying to my outreach. I told him that I know he needs someone new to fuck and that I'm sure he still doesn't want to play with me, so I will find someone to come service him.

He told me that he still does want to play with me ... but he doesn't feel other this whole situation yet. He still feels upset. He wants to have sex but things feel uneven and that I need some sort of punishment... or he needs to even the table. Something is missing.

I agreed and said that with everything that happened, he absolutely deserves to play with someone new alone. I am completely ok with this, so please don't think I am just telling him this to make him feel better. I genuinely believe that we aren't supposed to have only one sexual partner in life. I DO believe that you are supposed to have one true LOVE in your life. I WANT him to be able to play with whoever he wants. This is why we decided to start swinging in the first place.

He told me that this uncharted waters for him (as it is for me) and that he doesn't know what he wants. He still wants me in his life and as a big part of it, he just feels sexually screwed up....

That's where I am currently.

I appreciate everyone's comments so far. I really do. It's hard to portray emotion over text but this whole situation has been very confusing and I am doing my best to stay positive that we will be able to pull through this together.
 
Then I am glad you were not raped.

I still think your (kink/power exchange dynamics) have an off sounding vibe. You yourself admit that some of what he does/did was mean.

If he wants to share sex with other people because he wants to share sex with other people? And it's consensual and safe? By all means, enjoy. Sex share should be fun and joyful for the participants.

But it sounds like he wants to "even the score." And "sex" just happens to be the method. Using "sex as a weapon" isn't healthy sounding to me.

Galagirl
 
Hi AnimatedArtist12,

Thanks for your update, it sounds like you are figuring things out. Let us know if you have any questions for us or whatnot.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Wow, he's sure got you trained.

I couldn't live that way, having a partner who is an unforgiving bully, doing what he wants, punishing you for no reason and convincing you that everything you do is wrong. Hon, sorry, but he sounds like an abusive ass.

Why the hell do you believe you deserve to be treated like a lowly piece of shit on the bottom of his shoes?
 
I was supposed to communicate with him everything, when I was going, as it was happening, sending live updates (pictures/videos)....

:eek: Did the guy you were with KNOW you were supposed to be filming and taking pictures of him????

As to the rest...your husband's reaction is over the top for you not sending live updates and films, which involve someone else who was not there to agree to that with the two of you.
 
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