Hi all. I've got several poly and general-relationship problems with which I'm struggling. This is a slog, but I grew up in the age of livejournal and not twitter, so bear with me?
1) I'm (32F) and have been in a long-lasting relationship with my partner (30F) for more than a decade. We're one-another's first partners. We've had several issues crop up over the years (diminishing sex drives, unclear boundaries getting ripped on when their being breached sparked a realization that they existed but weren't talked about, needs for safety and trust were sometimes not being fulfilled, etc.) and over the last year we were both seriously considering ending the relationship. We've talked this out and have decided that we want to figure out how to pick up the pieces. We're both pretty committed to one another but recognize the need to pull back to a healthier, less co-dependant relationship.
Traditionally I'm the one who has had a hard time identifying and speaking up about boundaries, usually charging ahead when she wants to hold back. How do I recognize and moderate these feelings? What can I do to keep patient and compassionate, since she wants a break from sexual intimacy, while still finding ways to meet my needs--which are complicated in themselves but see below.
2) We've both been in different poly relationships from nearly the beginning. Most recently (a couple of years ago) I was having a relationship with a fella (30-something) whose wife was in another part of the country. Both wife and my partner were okay with the set-up until the wife moved out here, at which point I was dumped for reasons that weren't explicitly clear, and which I'm tired of dwelling over. I have more or less managed to move on from the original extreme feelings of being shit, but I still get hella salty about it from time to time. The way in which I was dumped was slow and painful, and it dragged my emotional ass over the coals--it was also the first time I've been dumped, given the long-haul relationship mentioned above. I'm still trying to get over some self-worth issues caused by this event and those issues keep popping up in places WAY after I wish I'd gotten over the failed relationship. I can't even masturbate without it occasionally bursting my bubble with downer self-worth brain weasels.
I'm not contacting fella or his wife again, even though they're in our friends-circle. I missed the boat on getting some closure via talking it out, so I need help setting up and enacting actual steps to forgive and forget and come to terms with myself. I want to stop being on hyper alert whenever I start to get my sexy back, or when my partner and I try to do the dang.
3) My partner very recently admitted that she seriously wants to try poly dating. Further context: we eventually want to have children and she says it's been a life goal of hers to try having a fling or otherwise experiment before she devotes all of her energy to bebs, especially because she started dating me young and feels like she missed out on what it's like to be on the dating scene. Before situation #2 above occurred we also talked a lot about one day finding a third person who might be interested in joining our relationship for the long haul, but I am gun shy now. I think it's a mixture of self-worth problems, being codependent with her, fearing that what happened to me might happen to her, and feeling fiercely jealous that she can still have hypothetical trust in other people to be close with her when we're already on rocky ground with one another. There's a part of me that would also like to get out and try for some NRE, myself, but I know I'm not in a good place for it, and I don't know how to un-dent my current damage. I'm afraid that I won't have much to offer her if she is hurt, or that my heart might take a left turn if she finds someone good. She's not biting at the champ to hurry me along or anything, so it's not a matter of me having to lock my shit down at warp speed. It's just that since she brought it up, it's exposed some old hurts that I've managed to sit on, which I thought I had gotten over.
How do I confront the mental mulch that got turned over recently, which revealed nasty emotional divots? How do I work through the static of old, high, deeply negative emotions, as they're preventing me from stating my needs and in furthering the discussion of healthy boundaries? How do I words and people??
1) I'm (32F) and have been in a long-lasting relationship with my partner (30F) for more than a decade. We're one-another's first partners. We've had several issues crop up over the years (diminishing sex drives, unclear boundaries getting ripped on when their being breached sparked a realization that they existed but weren't talked about, needs for safety and trust were sometimes not being fulfilled, etc.) and over the last year we were both seriously considering ending the relationship. We've talked this out and have decided that we want to figure out how to pick up the pieces. We're both pretty committed to one another but recognize the need to pull back to a healthier, less co-dependant relationship.
Traditionally I'm the one who has had a hard time identifying and speaking up about boundaries, usually charging ahead when she wants to hold back. How do I recognize and moderate these feelings? What can I do to keep patient and compassionate, since she wants a break from sexual intimacy, while still finding ways to meet my needs--which are complicated in themselves but see below.
2) We've both been in different poly relationships from nearly the beginning. Most recently (a couple of years ago) I was having a relationship with a fella (30-something) whose wife was in another part of the country. Both wife and my partner were okay with the set-up until the wife moved out here, at which point I was dumped for reasons that weren't explicitly clear, and which I'm tired of dwelling over. I have more or less managed to move on from the original extreme feelings of being shit, but I still get hella salty about it from time to time. The way in which I was dumped was slow and painful, and it dragged my emotional ass over the coals--it was also the first time I've been dumped, given the long-haul relationship mentioned above. I'm still trying to get over some self-worth issues caused by this event and those issues keep popping up in places WAY after I wish I'd gotten over the failed relationship. I can't even masturbate without it occasionally bursting my bubble with downer self-worth brain weasels.
I'm not contacting fella or his wife again, even though they're in our friends-circle. I missed the boat on getting some closure via talking it out, so I need help setting up and enacting actual steps to forgive and forget and come to terms with myself. I want to stop being on hyper alert whenever I start to get my sexy back, or when my partner and I try to do the dang.
3) My partner very recently admitted that she seriously wants to try poly dating. Further context: we eventually want to have children and she says it's been a life goal of hers to try having a fling or otherwise experiment before she devotes all of her energy to bebs, especially because she started dating me young and feels like she missed out on what it's like to be on the dating scene. Before situation #2 above occurred we also talked a lot about one day finding a third person who might be interested in joining our relationship for the long haul, but I am gun shy now. I think it's a mixture of self-worth problems, being codependent with her, fearing that what happened to me might happen to her, and feeling fiercely jealous that she can still have hypothetical trust in other people to be close with her when we're already on rocky ground with one another. There's a part of me that would also like to get out and try for some NRE, myself, but I know I'm not in a good place for it, and I don't know how to un-dent my current damage. I'm afraid that I won't have much to offer her if she is hurt, or that my heart might take a left turn if she finds someone good. She's not biting at the champ to hurry me along or anything, so it's not a matter of me having to lock my shit down at warp speed. It's just that since she brought it up, it's exposed some old hurts that I've managed to sit on, which I thought I had gotten over.
How do I confront the mental mulch that got turned over recently, which revealed nasty emotional divots? How do I work through the static of old, high, deeply negative emotions, as they're preventing me from stating my needs and in furthering the discussion of healthy boundaries? How do I words and people??