Polyamorous Personalities?

Do you think there are certain personality traits that lend themselves more to polyamory?

I have been on OKC lately and I am feeling really weird about it. I like sending the first message and don’t really obsess or even think about it after I do. But as soon as the other person replies and we start chatting, I suddenly get super nervous and worry about whether they like me or not. What’s up with that? I have two awesome partners who love me — why do I care what these strangers think?

It occurred to me that I shouldn’t be like this if I am going to be on a dating site — what is the point of seeking another partner if the process makes me so fluttery and insecure? Do other poly people do this or are they more chill?
 
Apparently I don't have a poly personality ... I had a terrible experience with OKC. I ended up deleting my account there permanently. And lost all interest in dating anyone (other than my one/only partner Snowbunny).
 
I'm afraid I'm not going to be very helpful here, as I've never used a dating site/app. In fact, even in my younger days before all this technology, I'd never so much as gone on a blind date or had a one night stand.

It was only relatively recently that I heard the terms, but I now realise I'm probably both demisexual and sapiosexual.

In my case, few things would make me feel more ill-at-ease than putting myself "out there" with dating and/or sex as the intention, before an actual friendship has developed in a more natural way.

Not judging you or anyone else who chooses to do things differently, MsEmotional. I understand it's the way of the world, and that the means by which people connect romantically is ever-changing - it's just not MY chosen way.

Having said that, I DID "meet" both of my current partners online. Except we met as platonic friends only, with no intention of things becoming romantic. I'd known Jester 1-2 years before our friendship blossomed into romance and it was even longer before the same happened with Boho.


EDIT: To add to my above response...

I don't think one's comfort level or success on dating apps has much, if anything, to do with whether or not one is a natural "fit" for polyamory.

If there are any common factors I've noticed among people who consider themselves polyamorous, I'd say many tend to be:

- Unconventional thinkers
- Comfortable with non-traditional, more alternative lifestyles and behaviours
- Tend to be non-judgemental and flexible when it comes to issues pertaining to LGBTI, mental illness, non-neurotypical personalities, diverse gender identities, aspects of kink/BDSM, differing definitions of 'family", "relationships", etc.
 
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Do you think there are certain personality traits that lend themselves more to polyamory?

I think there are certain personality traits that lend themselves to dating in general: outgoing, social, conversational...

Polyamory-specific, I prefer relationship-supporting traits: patient, compassionate, understanding...

why do I care what these strangers think?

To be human is to care what other people think. It's written in our DNA, from a time when social rejection was literally a death sentence. Actually, I'm not sure it still isn't -- suicide rates are an all-time high, and continue to rise as more and more people feel disconnected from community.

Anyone who says they don't care what others think is lying (to themselves if nothing else). What they usually mean is "I care what people think, but I want them to value me for who I am, not for who I pretend to be," or "I don't care what stupid people think." But they would still be devastated if everyone rejected them...
 
How much dating did you do before you married your husband? Even if you did a fair amount, you were out of the dating game for years before opening up again.

I think it's really common for people who open after being monogamous with someone for a long time to basically have to "re-learn" how to date. It feels like being a teenager all over again with new insecurities, questions, etc. So I think all that wondering is actually fairly normal for lots of folks in that situation. It's likely amplified if you feel like you don't have a large poly community or community of people that you can be out to. So there can feel like more pressure to "make things work" with the small pool that is there.

Not to sound judge-y about it or anything, but I'm also wondering.... why do you feel the need to date at all? Hadn't you decided before that you were polysaturated with 2 partners? I'm wondering if the renewed desire to date and worrying what people think has more to do with distracting yourself from the Laptop situation than actually feeling like you want or need another dating partner in your life. I mean, if you just changed your mind, nothing wrong with that too! I'm only bringing it up because it's actually something that I see happen ALL THE TIME in my local poly community (which is quite large) in that people basically feel compelled to date simply because they can, rather than regularly stopping to think "is this really right for me."

In fact, I often wonder if that fits into your whole personality traits thing. Are people who are less likely to just be able to stop and say "yup, I'm happy with this regardless of what's out there" more prone to monogamy while people who want more more more are more prone to polyamory? (understanding that it's not 1 size fits all and not a rule).

I've met poly people with ALL sorts of personality types, so I don't know that there's really that much of a poly personality, per se. The only common thread being that poly people of course believe that it's possible to love more than 1 person.
 
I prefer to meet partners in real life.

Too much garabge to wade through with online dating.
 
Until recently, every partner I've had since my divorce from my kids' father (almost 12 years ago now) was someone I'd met online. Mostly AdultFriendFinder; I've only met one person from OKC who rated more than a first meeting.

I can relate to your experience, MsEmotional. I get really nervous about even sending the first message most of the time. I usually won't; I wait until someone messages me, and then check his profile and decide whether to answer. Once there's an ongoing conversation, if he's someone I feel some interest in, I do start worrying if he likes me, if he's going to ghost me, if I'm making a good impression, etc. (I don't often feel that much interest in a guy, so usually it's just "Okay, conversation, cool, whatever.")

While as SchrodingersCat points out, being social and outgoing seems to lend itself more to dating, I've found that in my local poly and kink communities, the majority of people I encounter are like me: Introverted, sometimes socially anxious, preferring small groups or one-on-one interactions to larger social events, etc. A fairly high percentage of them have mental health issues and/or are diagnosed somewhere on the autism spectrum. I don't know if that's something exclusive to my geographic area, or if it's because I'm mostly encountering people who, like me, exist in the intersection among kink, polyamory, and (often) Paganism, rather than people who are only polyamorous.

So social and outgoing are good personality traits for meeting people, but they aren't necessarily the traits people have, and people without those traits still do just fine meeting people and forming and building connections. In other words, a lot of people probably feel the way you (and I) do, nervous and awkward and even uncomfortable about approaching someone or building a connection after the first contact.

The point of being on dating sites despite how it makes you feel is that you might meet someone who's exactly what you're looking for. And, if you're anything like me, another point of it is that even if you're feeling fluttery and nervous, and even if chatting on the site doesn't lead to anything, you're getting practice in interacting with other people.
 
Thanks everyone!

To answer your questions, breathemusic, I barely dated before Glasses and I got together. Glasses was a friend too — so I didn’t even go on a first “date” with him. Then after we opened up, my first date was Ponytail and I pretty much didn’t meet up with anyone new after that. I met Laptop on OKC , but it wasn’t really ever “dating.” So yeah, I don’t have any idea what I am doing.
 
....as soon as the other person replies and we start chatting, I suddenly get super nervous and worry about whether they like me or not. What’s up with that? I have two awesome partners who love me — why do I care what these strangers think?...what is the point of seeking another partner if the process makes me so fluttery and insecure? Do other poly people do this or are they more chill?

You're describing fear of rejection.

This has nothing to do with a poly vs. mono personality because both poly and mono people experience insecurity in equal measure. Poly people do not have a more emotionally secure or chill personality, they just have the ability to love more than one person at a time. This insecurity you describe is something that comes up for many people while dating, but it's especially apparent when dating on a website/app because people come into our lives rapid fire, one after another. I dated online for a few years and know well the insecurity you speak of. I dated both as a poly person and as a mono person (at separate times) and still felt the fear of rejection from time to time. It wasn't the dating style or the relationship style or the loving style, it was me.

Frankly, I think most people experience this terror of rejection to some extent and that is why many people settle into a relationship that is perhaps not so satisfying - so that they don't have to face this fear anymore.
 
suicide rates are an all-time high, and continue to rise as more and more people feel disconnected from community.

Another theory is that the suicide rate only appears to have gone up as the social stigma lessens. Suicide has historically been socially hidden, much like pregnancy out of wedlock, with other causes of death officially cited.

Off topic, but important to note.
 
Another theory is that the suicide rate only appears to have gone up as the social stigma lessens. Suicide has historically been socially hidden, much like pregnancy out of wedlock, with other causes of death officially cited.

Off topic, but important to note.

And, of course, both of these -- and yet other things -- may together result in a higher number of reported suicides.
 
While as SchrodingersCat points out, being social and outgoing seems to lend itself more to dating, I've found that in my local poly and kink communities, the majority of people I encounter are like me: Introverted, sometimes socially anxious, preferring small groups or one-on-one interactions to larger social events, etc. A fairly high percentage of them have mental health issues and/or are diagnosed somewhere on the autism spectrum. I don't know if that's something exclusive to my geographic area, or if it's because I'm mostly encountering people who, like me, exist in the intersection among kink, polyamory, and (often) Paganism, rather than people who are only polyamorous.

I've also noticed a lot more people being vocal about their challenges in both the kink and poly community, but I don't think that reflects a higher incidence of those different-abilities.

I chalk it up more to the fact that poly and kinky people are, by necessity, more introspective and self-examining, otherwise how do you figure out that you're kinky or poly in the first place when so much of our society tells us how wrong those things are supposed to be?

I also chalk it up to the generally higher level of understanding and support in those communities. There's a lot less stigma about mental illness in those circles, so it's a lot safer to disclose than at work or your mom's group ("What if the other mom's find out I'm bipolar? They'll NEVER let me watch their kids!!")

I think there are huge levels of undiagnosed mental illness, ASD, and situational depression in the general population. People are so scared about what others will think, or just their own personal shame and stigamtism around mental illness, that they just keep their nose to the grindstone and endure it.
 
I think there are huge levels of undiagnosed mental illness, ASD, and situational depression in the general population. People are so scared about what others will think, or just their own personal shame and stigamtism around mental illness, that they just keep their nose to the grindstone and endure it.

This. So much this.

My other half is actually studying the types of stigma associated with seeking mental health help. And how that affects the likelihood you will seek help.

Ideally, there should be no stigma. Seeing all psychologist should be no different to seeing a Doc, or a dentist. Twice yearly mental health checks, just to see how you are...
 
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