Long distance love

My husband and I have had a ldr most of our relationship.

Thanks Derby, I appreciate you giving your experience. Yeah, I was noticing you saying recently that you're picking small fights because he's on his way soon. I can see how this might be helpful for both of you - easier for him to leave, easier for you to wrap yourself around being alone for a while.

Must be challenging with kids too. My friend back East has a hubby who fishes, so he leaves for long stretches of time. She says she feels like a single mom some of the time. I think she's brave.

Being your own best company is a good lesson in life, in general. Living alone in my cabin has taught me this. I'm very happy on my own most of the time, so having lots of space works for me. The idea that I am loved keeps me going. I don't know if you're the same way, but there's a difference between being alone, as in not close to anyone, and being on your own but knowing you matter to someone.

I wonder if there will be a time when you two can spend more time together? I wonder if it would be similar to the changes couples go through when their children move out - suddenly they have more time together that they haven't had in years.

When I think about long-distance, I start to think about life and how it turns out. Or, doesn't turn out the way we'd thought. Finding love, sharing some kind of connection with someone is pretty special in and of itself.
 
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Thanks geminigirl!!! This is incredibly helpful!

Wow, a workshop on LDR, what a great idea! Not something you see all the time. Hmm...

I really like your strategies and they seem totally doable.
 
Great posts Roly and Derby...makes one think, can I be happy in my own right? Real contentment in life is achieved then. Thanks for the food for thought!

After I separated from my ex, I thought I would die. One the Christmas day of that year I was walking alone in the snow and realized I was smiling for no apparent reason...that is when I connected with myself and realized being alone can be amazing. I am my own pillar now, which gives me grounding to love with more force than ever in my life. Redpepper gets that love and knows the source of it's strength. Because she knows I have myself, she doesn't ever have to fear that I will wither and die should things change. Because I am so comfortable alone I can be completely vulnerable to her which takes us to a completely different level of depth for both of us.

Is this a tangent or related?
 
SC, what do you both do with/for each other to nurture your relationship since it's so distant? Do you have regular nights that you talk? Do you set time aside for each other? What do you do when you miss each other?

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone. :)

One thing that's important to me is to have one morning every weekend that he's home where we get to just lie around home, being lazy, spending time together without running out to do errands or meet with friends/family. There have been times where I've had to remind him of it, but he understands that it's important to me... "Happy wife, happy life" :)

We talk every day, usually several times. Some days we only manage one 5-minute chat, other days we talk for a couple hours. We're on a shared plan with our cell phones, so it's free to talk as much as we want, no matter where he is in Canada.

A lot of the time, we'll just both be on the phone while we go about our business. Yes, we're those uber-annoying people you see in the grocery store, headsets glued to the ear, contemplating buying one or two pounds of butter because it's on sale this week :p

I rarely "miss" him, which feels heartless to actually see in text. But our relationship has always been this way, so I guess I'm just used to it. When I miss him, I usually try to call him and if I can't reach him, I just go about business as usual. He works himself so hard that he pretty much collapses when he gets back to the camper (where he lives instead of a hotel to save money). He doesn't really have time/energy to miss me.

I'm always excited when he's on his way home and I'm always a bit down when he has to leave again. The rest of the time, I just focus on the things I need to get done. Now that we're homeowners, that list has grown exponentially and I expect I will never again run out of things to keep me busy!

Oh, and another thing I make sure we always do is have sex every time he's home, whether or not we feel like we have time or energy :p Sex is very important to a relationship, and when we miss out, I feel the ripple throughout all of our interactions. I honestly feel that "our relationship" needs sex more than "I" need sex. I'm not particularly sexual, neither is he. Even in the first 6 months of our relationship, we didn't do it all that often. Our connection was always more energy and emotionally driven than sex-based. When I was single, it was not uncommon for me to go months, even a year, without sex, without even realizing it, busy with friends and school. But our relationship needs that hormonal/chemical interaction to maintain its strength. And don't get me wrong, I fully enjoy it too! :)
 
Is this a tangent or related?

Completely related, Mono. Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate how vulnerable you make yourself. I learn from that. I can appreciate what it must have been like for you to leave your wife.

Yep, being alone can be amazing and it's so important to be happy with yourself. When I used to hear this, I used to hear it as "being happy with yourself is a stepping stone towards being partnered". Now I really hear it and I am happy with myself. There are no gaps anymore.

I gave up my beautiful home and moved several hundred kilometers away to be with my ex nearly two years ago now. I was 30 and couldn't bare the thought of never becoming a mother, always being alone. I fell for his story and dove in with both feet. What a lesson! Not only did it not work out, but the experience has left me rootless and ungrounded for a while now. Have I ever learned to be happy with myself!

I see now how being partnered does not make you more complete and it does not cure loneliness. Loneliness is like happiness, it's a state of mind. It's internal.

I think that having a strong sense of self and a sense of independence is needed for a successful LDR.
 
"Happy wife, happy life" :)

Reminds me of "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". ;)

When I was single, it was not uncommon for me to go months, even a year, without sex, without even realizing it, busy with friends and school.

I can relate. Interesting that you say your relationship needs sex more than you do. I've never thought of it this way.
 
Just wanted to share that I have made my decision and I'm moving back to where I used to live. I feel sad, afraid and also excited. This has been one heck of a year and one heck of a decision-making process!

I am curious to see how a LDR is going to work and how things will unfold. I'm really looking forward to visits and phone calls.
 
Just wanted to share that I have made my decision and I'm moving back to where I used to live. I feel sad, afraid and also excited. This has been one heck of a year and one heck of a decision-making process!

I am curious to see how a LDR is going to work and how things will unfold. I'm really looking forward to visits and phone calls.

Wow! So much has happened on these forums...lots of moves, life changing experiences and decision-making. All interesting to track and follow the progression of life. Hope all works out for the best Roly...very excited for you!!!:)
 
I haven't had a chance to catch up with this thread yet. Sorry I'm such a late comer. I think I needed some time to figure out what I think about LDR's.

I am not a big fan of them for myself. I need people to be around me or I just don't see the point in being a lover. I need that constant connection and find it difficult to produce that when we finally get together. It feels like a fling to me rather than a bonded connection. There is far too much daily stuff that is important that makes my relationships rich. Regardless of internet chats and time together. Its a fantasy thats produced through on-line chats for me. A fantasy that produces a fantasy when we are together. I'm just not into that I guess. There is nothing wrong with that fantasy really its just not as deep as I need. I can see how some might want a fantasy for sure.

I guess there is something to be said for the separateness that comes from not being in each others lives when I am not together with someone, but I just don't want that. It would fizzle to friendship and possibly even nothing for me. Sure I would still love them, as I do ex lovers that are no longer near me, but I would not be able to maintain anything beyond a small ache when they are away and a confused longing for more when they are near.

I don't think I would be willing to do it. There is far too much right here, right now to invest in for me. I would have to say, "goodbye, we'll see what happens, let's stay friends and see each other when we can" if someone came along that I could be with. If someone in my life left I would likely have to do something similar. I would possibly give it a try, but there would be some major boundary changes that would end in the same result I fear.

On another note there is the fact that NRE would last longer for a person and that prolonged effect takes its toll, both in positive and negative ways. I can see how that could cause issues as well as for the person at home when a partner goes to see their LDR. I must say I am anxious about that with you deciding to move away from here roly. Nerdist has very little holiday time and money already and has already decided to go and see you rather than spend time with me at a B and B, as promised this spring. The balance will be hard to work out I think, but we will figure it out. Its always figurable. We just have to keep talking and keep at it.
 
Thank you for your input redpepper. Lots to think about. I realize I'm feeling defensive and so I hope this post doesn't come across that way.

First things first:

Nerdist has very little holiday time and money already and has already decided to go and see you rather than spend time with me at a B and B, as promised this spring.

I did not know this! And I feel upset knowing this. I have been so careful not to disrupt your lives, especially because I know that this is a huge transition time for me.

I haven't wanted my emotional upheaval to disrupt anything in your lives, which is why I've been super honest every step of the way. I've kept a lot to myself because it's mine to deal with. That being said, I feel upset knowing that he is coming to visit me rather than taking you. I don't want NRE to cloud his decisions, nor mine.

When I next talk to him, I would like to address this.

I need people to be around me or I just don't see the point in being a lover. I need that constant connection and find it difficult to produce that when we finally get together.

I can definitely appreciate this. I don't personally need constant connection, in fact I'm someone who needs a lot of space. I have been on my own for so long that it would take some adjustment for me to get used to being around someone all the time. I don't find it difficult to produce a connection when I see someone after a long time.

I crave it though. To be part of a family, enmeshed, interconnected and rooted. But, I am also very careful to make decisions based on this desire. I need to take care of my health first.

Your family is already established. And being part of your family requires that any new people fit into what's already there. Yes, of course, you've all been soooo welcoming and accommodating to me. But, when it boils down to it, if I were to have a close, physical, regular connection with nerdist, I would need to fit into your lifestyle, your routines and your location.

I can't.


It feels like a fling to me rather than a bonded connection.

I wouldn't go as far as using the word fling, for me, because fling implies there are no or few feelings attached. But, there are definitely parts of the relationship that won't develop. Interconnectedness won't happen. We will be living separate lives.


Its a fantasy...

I'm so done with fantasy. This definitely doesn't resonate with me. Although I can see how it would seem that way. Personally, I see that I would be chasing a fantasy trying to live somewhere that I don't thrive. I would be putting so many of my eggs into one basket and if anything fell apart, I would be devastated. This is especially salient because I did exactly this a year and a half ago. And I have been having a hard time ever since.

To me, the fantasy is trying to turn this into something it can't be.

So, do I let him go and, as you say, let it fizzle as friends? Or, do he and I try to honour the connection we have and make the best of it?

I wanted to consider a LDR and wanted feedback to see how realistic it is and what it would entail. But, it's already seeming like it's disrupting things between you two and this scares me.

Of course, bringing in a new person is going to disrupt or change things, but to what degree is this ok? If me moving away is going to pull part of nerdist away, then I would rather sever it and be friends.
 
I am not a big fan of them for myself. I need people to be around me or I just don't see the point in being a lover. I need that constant connection and find it difficult to produce that when we finally get together. It feels like a fling to me rather than a bonded connection. There is far too much daily stuff that is important that makes my relationships rich. Regardless of internet chats and time together. Its a fantasy thats produced through on-line chats for me. A fantasy that produces a fantasy when we are together. I'm just not into that I guess. There is nothing wrong with that fantasy really its just not as deep as I need. I can see how some might want a fantasy for sure.

I realize you are describing how you feel about these situations, but consider how people in these situations would see this. Fantasy belittles the relationship they may or may not have. So does the phrasing fling.

I think very real, very intellectually intimate relationships can develop LD. I read about it happening often in poly and hope it is viable. I am/was very skeptical when I read about LD relationships as I think very similarly to yourself, however i realized I was automatically belittling their relationship without consideration. This has been a small learning process for me in poly, and one that is still evolving. My expectations of a regular relationship was thrown out the window, this is just another oddity that I am not used to, that I am expanding myself into :)

As a physical contact lover (I am the touchy feely type) and a LDR is obviously physically limiting, but it doesn't mean it is for everyone. We all have different requirements for those things. Heck I have one friend in a LDR for 11 years now, she lives in Michigan and he lives in Ontario. It can work for some people :)

I guess there is something to be said for the separateness that comes from not being in each others lives when I am not together with someone, but I just don't want that. It would fizzle to friendship and possibly even nothing for me. Sure I would still love them, as I do ex lovers that are no longer near me, but I would not be able to maintain anything beyond a small ache when they are away and a confused longing for more when they are near.

I don't think I would be willing to do it. There is far too much right here, right now to invest in for me. I would have to say, "goodbye, we'll see what happens, let's stay friends and see each other when we can" if someone came along that I could be with. If someone in my life left I would likely have to do something similar. I would possibly give it a try, but there would be some major boundary changes that would end in the same result I fear.

I guess thats the beauty of being able to use the term secondary. As a secondary you have that ability to not have all of the family responsibility while also being involved with a single/multiple party. This can work for some people, I can see it as a very viable choice if all parties are interested.

Kind of like that uncle that everyone loves but isn't part of day to day life. I still love the big guy but know that he doesn't want to be there all the time, and to be honest, we may not want him around all the time.

Ari
 
Interesting thread,...

,..Firstly,... Rolypoly,..I must say I am very impressed with your writings in this thread. You sound like someone who has a very clear view of themself, and has not forgot the people around you. I hope you get everything you wish for. :)

Ariakas : Good points. We all need to be very careful of the slippery slope of belittling. It can unintentionally lead to dismissing others wants and wishes, simply because they are not our own wishes.

Poly is such a complicated thing some days, and it can be hard to know when we are doing such things with our words or how we phrase things. I know I can be guilty of being blunt and sounding dismissive, when really I am airing out my 'usual' feelings on a subject. Those feelings easily change when I see the evidence in front of me.


As for the actual subject, LDR works for some, and not for others. That part is obvious.

Honestly though, I think the biggest factor is the people themselves.

It`s the combination of the personalities, and how they relate, that matters most. We all know the feeling, of finding ourselves doing things we never thought was possible within ourselves, ...all for love.

It`s part of that pain in the arse thing called ' Growth'. ;)

If it`s a good decision, it feels like the right thing to do, and we do it happily. So that we have that person in our life, in some way. If it`s the wrong thing to do, then resentment builds up, and it never feels right.
 
I realize you are describing how you feel about these situations, but consider how people in these situations would see this. Fantasy belittles the relationship they may or may not have. So does the phrasing fling.

Thanks Ari for saying this. I don't feel belittled or that RP is necessarily saying this about my relationship with her husband, but it is nice to have all sides considered. I see what she's saying and I understand that for *her*, she needs to have a constant connection. She holds her loved ones very close to her.

I think very real, very intellectually intimate relationships can develop LD.

I do, indeed, have more of an intellectual, spiritual connection with nerdist and would like to honour it.

Superjast said:
,..Firstly,... Rolypoly,..I must say I am very impressed with your writings in this thread. You sound like someone who has a very clear view of themself, and has not forgot the people around you. I hope you get everything you wish for.

Wow, thanks Superjast.

I agree with what you've written. I don't have a clear idea yet of what's good for everyone, what will work. I just know I want to work towards whatever is healthiest for everyone involved.
 
Well I figured if I said "I" and "me" that would indicate I was talking about myself.... I figured I would ruffle feathers by having a differing opinion for myself. *shrug* what I know about myself is hard earned and my experience only. I don't tell my story to convince or in anyway passive aggressively send a message. I tell it because it is mine, different or not. Its mine and I can only go by that.

I have had a few long distance romances that didn't work for me. We would tend to turn our connection into a fantasy and that became evident when we got together. Everyday life just wasn't the same and it became awkward. I didn't like it and would of preferred to of kept my distance in order to maintain the fantasy. One time I didn't meet the person until later and a couple of other times was because of them or me moving away.

As to nerdist and our plan to go away that never happened... We talked about it in the fall, we got distracted, roly came along, priorities changed and that's that. Its just how it is. Priorities change. There is no other thought to that. We can make other plans, but the fact of the matter is that things have changed. Its the nature of the thing and I am going with it.

There is no reason to be alarmed at my mentioning that we weren't able to go away. Everyone that enters our lives creates change and we do in theirs. They are an addition to our lives, not a replacement or a disruption, an addition. I trust nerdist and have no reason to interfer in what he does. I know what my worth is to him and know he isn't looking to replace me and our time. He has an addition in you roly and I welcome that. All will be revealed about what that means. It has revealed a difference already. There is no stopping that. We all make differences in each others lives. The point is to let it go without any judgment attached as to what it means. Let it go and wait. My time to go away with him will come, but it needs to be understood that in going away with me, he won't be coming to you. Just as in his going away to be with you means he won't be going away with me. It evens out eventually. Its just how it is. If you were here it would be the same thing. It already has been. Just in little bits. It has effected me and him that you are in his life and therefore mine. Of course it would. The notion of him going away every now and then is going to be an adjustment. One that I will work on in time.

Hope this makes sense. :)
 
After I separated from my ex, I thought I would die. One the Christmas day of that year I was walking alone in the snow and realized I was smiling for no apparent reason...that is when I connected with myself and realized being alone can be amazing. I am my own pillar now, which gives me grounding to love with more force than ever in my life.

This so reminds me of myself. I was so dead when my ex left. Now months later i find myself walking somewhere listening to my ipod with the most rediculous smile on my face. I still can't get over how happy i am:) I have 2 ldrs and its nice to know i can be happy on my own and so much more when spending time with them.
 
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Well I figured if I said "I" and "me" that would indicate I was talking about myself.... I figured I would ruffle feathers by having a differing opinion for myself. *shrug*

I don't see any ruffled feathers. :) And your perspective is very appreciated.


As to nerdist and our plan to go away that never happened... We talked about it in the fall, we got distracted, roly came along, priorities changed and that's that. Its just how it is... <snip> ...There is no reason to be alarmed at my mentioning that we weren't able to go away.

Yep, I'd misunderstood. I feel better knowing more about how things unfolded.


My time to go away with him will come, but it needs to be understood that in going away with me, he won't be coming to you.

This is all good. :)

I'm feeling a bit preoccupied right now, so I'm not answering much. But I didn't want to let this go cold.
 
Well I figured if I said "I" and "me" that would indicate I was talking about myself.... I figured I would ruffle feathers by having a differing opinion for myself. *shrug* what I know about myself is hard earned and my experience only. I don't tell my story to convince or in anyway passive aggressively send a message. I tell it because it is mine, different or not. Its mine and I can only go by that.

I think there was more than adequate usage of "I" and "me" to emphasize that this is how LDR and online relationships feel like to redpepper. At no point did she generalize about all LDR relationships, or say that they're always flings and fantasy. What she said is that when she tries them, she is unable to develop that close bond required to make them more than flings.

Just pipping up that as a complete outsider, her statement was perfectly understood as being personal and subjective, not general and objective.
 
Sorry if my point got taken as anything beyond what I intended. I was simply offering a counter point. I understood and respected these were RP's :)...

I have no feathers to ruffle :D
 
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