ksandra
New member
So I'm going to start off by saying I don't know how long I'm going to keep this blog, but my therapist suggested I try journalling and traditionally I've been terrible at maintaining any kind of written record, but hey try anything twice right?
My intent is for this to be a lot more stream of conscious than well written blogging because I've had a lot of life things change and I've changed a lot, but that also means the way I've done polyamory for the last thirteen years doesn't necessarily work anymore and I need somewhere outside of my community and my peers to try to figure this out. So I apologize in advance if this is rough.
Current Cast of Characters:
Me, Ksandra, 30, f, queer, ENTP, currently career transitioning for the second time in five years because the career I switched into is slowly dying. Learning to live with an autoimmune disease and I almost have the hang of it.
Grey, 30, m, straight, anchor partner, INTP, workaholic, high anxiety cucumber, community leader, one of the most genuinely good people I've ever met, sarcasm is a love language. If I thought I'd been in a game changing relationship before Grey I was wrong.
Fiona, 30, f, straight?, a former partner of Grey's who he is currently interested in
Marguerite, 22, f, queer, partner, E??P, model, exceptionally emotionally aware and communicative, currently working through a fairly traumatic event that happened last year, moving in with Leo in September
Leo, 26, m, queer, partner of Marguerite, owns a local sex-related store, moving in with Marguerite in September
Jane, 24, f, straight-ish, INTJ, best friend, major platonic anchor relationship, same sense of humour, needs a plan for everything, is a genius at making a plan for everything, sarcasm is also a love language, lives on the other side of the country .
Kerouac, 39, m, straight, ENFJ, partner but the relationship is on its way out
Karen, 29, f, bi, ENFP, ex girlfriend, Kerouac's partner
Voldemort, 24, m, straight, INTJ, massively abusive ex fiancé, calling him Voldemort somehow makes this easier to deal with.
Last year I left Voldemort after I found out he'd been keeping a food in our home that I was massively allergic to without telling me and then repeatedly saying I was too sick to breakup with him, while also being wickedly passive aggressive and lying about a bunch of things. Since breaking up with him my life has changed completely, in many ways for the better, but it's understandably left me with some trauma and some trust issues.
Towards the end of the summer Grey and I went from being very close friends (who were secretly in love with each other and secretly convinced the other person wasn't), and oh boy has it been a game changing relationship. Around the same time I was laid off from my 9-5 salaried job. After being laid off I discovered that my exact career has been shrinking because the job duties have been split between a different role in marketing and another, highly technical role in IT. As of now I've been scraping by freelancing but at a fraction of what I used to make.
Early this year Karen and I broke up and realized we didn't actually like each other as people - not that anyone did anything bad, we just don't get along. We each kept dating Kerouac. Shortly after I had emergency surgery, which was fairly traumatic and around that time Marguerite had a similar surgery and through talking about it we realized we liked each other and started dating.
Recently Grey and I went on a trip to see Jane and other friends from when I lived in that city and during the trip things started growing apart with Kerouac to the point where I realized I couldn't sustain a super involved relationship with him anymore. We negotiated a deescalation at the beginning of June, but I've since come to realize I no longer see him as a romantic interest and through a series of events we haven't been able to meet up to properly breakup. I'm fairly sure it's mutual, and I'm hoping we can be friends.
Grey's interest in Fiona started in December when they ran into each other at a party after being broken up for almost a year and came in in full swing in April, which stirred up a fuckton of insecurities for me that I've never really dealt with before. We've done a lot of work and processing together and I've been able to realize that due to all of the high stress things in my life I'm feeling very unstable with polyamory right now and Grey has decided to delay pursuing things with Fiona as it's only ever been a very casual relationship and interest. I'm almost at a place where I'm ready to start talking about this again, but still experiencing a ton of anxiety around the issue, which is part of why I'm here.
My intent is for this to be a lot more stream of conscious than well written blogging because I've had a lot of life things change and I've changed a lot, but that also means the way I've done polyamory for the last thirteen years doesn't necessarily work anymore and I need somewhere outside of my community and my peers to try to figure this out. So I apologize in advance if this is rough.
Current Cast of Characters:
Me, Ksandra, 30, f, queer, ENTP, currently career transitioning for the second time in five years because the career I switched into is slowly dying. Learning to live with an autoimmune disease and I almost have the hang of it.
Grey, 30, m, straight, anchor partner, INTP, workaholic, high anxiety cucumber, community leader, one of the most genuinely good people I've ever met, sarcasm is a love language. If I thought I'd been in a game changing relationship before Grey I was wrong.
Fiona, 30, f, straight?, a former partner of Grey's who he is currently interested in
Marguerite, 22, f, queer, partner, E??P, model, exceptionally emotionally aware and communicative, currently working through a fairly traumatic event that happened last year, moving in with Leo in September
Leo, 26, m, queer, partner of Marguerite, owns a local sex-related store, moving in with Marguerite in September
Jane, 24, f, straight-ish, INTJ, best friend, major platonic anchor relationship, same sense of humour, needs a plan for everything, is a genius at making a plan for everything, sarcasm is also a love language, lives on the other side of the country .
Kerouac, 39, m, straight, ENFJ, partner but the relationship is on its way out
Karen, 29, f, bi, ENFP, ex girlfriend, Kerouac's partner
Voldemort, 24, m, straight, INTJ, massively abusive ex fiancé, calling him Voldemort somehow makes this easier to deal with.
Last year I left Voldemort after I found out he'd been keeping a food in our home that I was massively allergic to without telling me and then repeatedly saying I was too sick to breakup with him, while also being wickedly passive aggressive and lying about a bunch of things. Since breaking up with him my life has changed completely, in many ways for the better, but it's understandably left me with some trauma and some trust issues.
Towards the end of the summer Grey and I went from being very close friends (who were secretly in love with each other and secretly convinced the other person wasn't), and oh boy has it been a game changing relationship. Around the same time I was laid off from my 9-5 salaried job. After being laid off I discovered that my exact career has been shrinking because the job duties have been split between a different role in marketing and another, highly technical role in IT. As of now I've been scraping by freelancing but at a fraction of what I used to make.
Early this year Karen and I broke up and realized we didn't actually like each other as people - not that anyone did anything bad, we just don't get along. We each kept dating Kerouac. Shortly after I had emergency surgery, which was fairly traumatic and around that time Marguerite had a similar surgery and through talking about it we realized we liked each other and started dating.
Recently Grey and I went on a trip to see Jane and other friends from when I lived in that city and during the trip things started growing apart with Kerouac to the point where I realized I couldn't sustain a super involved relationship with him anymore. We negotiated a deescalation at the beginning of June, but I've since come to realize I no longer see him as a romantic interest and through a series of events we haven't been able to meet up to properly breakup. I'm fairly sure it's mutual, and I'm hoping we can be friends.
Grey's interest in Fiona started in December when they ran into each other at a party after being broken up for almost a year and came in in full swing in April, which stirred up a fuckton of insecurities for me that I've never really dealt with before. We've done a lot of work and processing together and I've been able to realize that due to all of the high stress things in my life I'm feeling very unstable with polyamory right now and Grey has decided to delay pursuing things with Fiona as it's only ever been a very casual relationship and interest. I'm almost at a place where I'm ready to start talking about this again, but still experiencing a ton of anxiety around the issue, which is part of why I'm here.