JapinaTricycle
New member
Hi,
This is my first time coming on such forums (polyamory), and I want to introduce myself to this topic, but especially find the right answers.... I'm still quite confused (am I poly?).
My first time knowing about polyamory was like 2 years ago when I started looking at my options... I thought having an open relationship was the solution at the time, but finally found out about polyamory after some research. I thought I would "try it". But is that being polyamory? I'm not sure if this idea is coming out from me being unhappy in my monogamous relationship, or if I really am polyamorous.
This part is a bit longer, but here's my story:
I'm a man in his 30s. I've been married for the past 6 years and been in that relationship with for 8. The relationship I have is good, but in the end it's like I need more... I haven't always been always happy either, but I was in love with her from the start, and loved her (periodically) until now.
Two years ago, I wasn't happy with her again and asked her if she would accept me having another relationship. She refused, so I broke up and started looking... I dated, but ended being even unhappier, and went back to her, after feeling I still loved her.
That's when I found out about polyamory. The next phase was convincing her, but it barely worked. She accepted it, but felt very hurt. That made me feel like I was cheating. I remember her saying she didn't want to feel like that again and not to tell her if I was having "an affair" the next time. I was upfront with being polyamorous to both, but the new relationship didn't work out, and I felt a lot of friction I didn't like, with the concept, so I went back to being monogamous.
Some time passed, and things turned sour again. This is about where I am now.
I felt abandoned by my wife and went dating online (I believed this was cheating, but washed my hands off since this was her wish). With her, I realized the more space I gave, the better our relationship was. With my new date, which is a LDR, she gave me the attention and happiness I needed. With that renewed happiness, I fell back in love with my wife. And shocked myself realizing I was protecting her by not telling her, while I regained the energy necessary to fall back in love with her again.
The new girl knows about my marital connection, but I lied saying my wife and I weren't together anymore (which I believed, but feared retaliation). We're in love with each other, so I thought it was fair to move into a(n "exclusive") relationship, because I was determined to divorce to enter a new monogamous relationship, but I quickly broke up for feeling guilty of cheating towards her, and now I realize I love both.
So I'm entangled in a monogamous love triangle, but think I may not be interested in just changing partner, but clearly polyamory.
I'm afraid that trying to enter a polyamorous relationship again would create more problems, because it would make my partner unhappy, and if I decided to leave her, it would leave me feeling extremely alone, and so I should just content myself with a monogamous relationship again instead.
If finding a new monogamous relationship is close to impossible in my case, I don't want to imagine what it's like to find someone willing to accept my polyamory...
So I've finally joined this forum to find likely-minded people, and hopefully find a few answers and solutions.
My questions are:
1: Am I a cheater, polyamorous, or both?
2: What would you tell the 2 women and do in my situation if you were me?
This is my first time coming on such forums (polyamory), and I want to introduce myself to this topic, but especially find the right answers.... I'm still quite confused (am I poly?).
My first time knowing about polyamory was like 2 years ago when I started looking at my options... I thought having an open relationship was the solution at the time, but finally found out about polyamory after some research. I thought I would "try it". But is that being polyamory? I'm not sure if this idea is coming out from me being unhappy in my monogamous relationship, or if I really am polyamorous.
This part is a bit longer, but here's my story:
I'm a man in his 30s. I've been married for the past 6 years and been in that relationship with for 8. The relationship I have is good, but in the end it's like I need more... I haven't always been always happy either, but I was in love with her from the start, and loved her (periodically) until now.
Two years ago, I wasn't happy with her again and asked her if she would accept me having another relationship. She refused, so I broke up and started looking... I dated, but ended being even unhappier, and went back to her, after feeling I still loved her.
That's when I found out about polyamory. The next phase was convincing her, but it barely worked. She accepted it, but felt very hurt. That made me feel like I was cheating. I remember her saying she didn't want to feel like that again and not to tell her if I was having "an affair" the next time. I was upfront with being polyamorous to both, but the new relationship didn't work out, and I felt a lot of friction I didn't like, with the concept, so I went back to being monogamous.
Some time passed, and things turned sour again. This is about where I am now.
I felt abandoned by my wife and went dating online (I believed this was cheating, but washed my hands off since this was her wish). With her, I realized the more space I gave, the better our relationship was. With my new date, which is a LDR, she gave me the attention and happiness I needed. With that renewed happiness, I fell back in love with my wife. And shocked myself realizing I was protecting her by not telling her, while I regained the energy necessary to fall back in love with her again.
The new girl knows about my marital connection, but I lied saying my wife and I weren't together anymore (which I believed, but feared retaliation). We're in love with each other, so I thought it was fair to move into a(n "exclusive") relationship, because I was determined to divorce to enter a new monogamous relationship, but I quickly broke up for feeling guilty of cheating towards her, and now I realize I love both.
So I'm entangled in a monogamous love triangle, but think I may not be interested in just changing partner, but clearly polyamory.
I'm afraid that trying to enter a polyamorous relationship again would create more problems, because it would make my partner unhappy, and if I decided to leave her, it would leave me feeling extremely alone, and so I should just content myself with a monogamous relationship again instead.
If finding a new monogamous relationship is close to impossible in my case, I don't want to imagine what it's like to find someone willing to accept my polyamory...
So I've finally joined this forum to find likely-minded people, and hopefully find a few answers and solutions.
My questions are:
1: Am I a cheater, polyamorous, or both?
2: What would you tell the 2 women and do in my situation if you were me?