Thought process

Nerd4K

New member
I am 44 male, married for about 15 years and together with my wife for more than 20 years. We have 4 kids together. So far a standard traditional family, but not all may be as it seems.

I feel that my ultimate question or interest in your points of view requires some background and history on my life, which in the end culminated to writing this post. So I hope you have some patience...

Since I was a kid I have wondered how much of the traditional family is pushed on us by society/religion. Back then I thought it made a lot more sense for people to love more than one person and that a more natural state of people would be to be bisexual. I did not get how love could be restricted or run out.
I am not sure when I forgot/suppressed this, but my parents recently reminded me about the questions I used to ask a kid. During puberty I experimented with both girls and boys but ended up more with girls.

When I was about 16-17 years old I met a girl (let's call her Sam for future reference) that I got to know through connections of my parents. Sparks were flying and there was this instant connection between us. She however, lived and lives in another country across the globe and although we always stayed in touch it never felt it was possible to be together. We still meet every couple of years.We have kissed but never had sex.

At 18, I moved to the university town where I met my wife at 20 and again it was love at first sight. We dated while studying as we lived across the country and moved in together when I finished my degree.We got married a few years after. We have had a brief separation when I was about 24 ran into someone else and did not understand my own feelings about this person and if it would mean I could not love my-now-wife.

My wife and I are pretty open and talk about many of our thoughts and fantasies. My wife knows about Sam and she attended our wedding. She knows I love her too, but probably feels secure about it partly because off the sheer geographical distance.

My wife has had her small adventures making out with other men and women while in our relationship, but I was always there and never thought it meant she loved me less.

After a few years of marriage we got our first two kids shortly after each other. Our then neighbors did as well and as new parents we quickly found support in each other. We became really close and doors between our houses were always open. We took care of each others children, combined shopping trips, did holidays together. I loved the additional perspective they brought to our lives. We were for example a lot better at financial stuff and planning, while they were a lot better/ more interested in household chores.
I loved the life we had together and I can now admit I loved them both. There were certainly times of sexual tension and something could have happened, but I think we were all to afraid we could mess up the good thing we had.
For work we had to move, and although they visit us and when they do it is like old times, the closeness we had on a daily basis is something I still miss.

I am not sure what has happened that has now triggered my thinking about poly-amorous families and if that would be something for us, but looking back on my life so far I think it might be something for us.
I am not sure yet if it would need a sexual dimension altogether, but I feel I have more people to love. Perhaps that is partly why we have four kids, even if that is a different kind of love.
If I would dare admit to myself that this is something I am interested in, there are so many follow up questions like:
- Would an extension of our family need to happen spontaneous (you suddenly meet someone you cannot ignore), or would it be OK actively look for people to share live with
- Would I dare face the scrutiny of the outside world (we are not anonymous in a big city) and what would it mean for our kids
- I am not sure I am interested in just extra sex partners, but with kids something else is a much bigger commitment from everybody. Is that realistic?
- If our marriage would become a different relationship with more people how far do I and my wife really want to go and should we know that from the start? Do we need to define ourselves as hetero or bi, or is that something we can explore or may even depend on how we feel about the new people involved.
- It is not that I am currently unhappy, so how much do you need to want this since it undoubtedly will also come with pain and people not understanding.
- I think my wife knows all the parts of my puzzle, and I think I know hers, but I so not want to talk about this with her in way that would make her feel insecure about how much I love her or that something is wrong with the relationship we have. How to do that?
- Are we too old for this? Somehow I wish I had had the nerve/insight to look into this 20 years ago.

Reading some of the other peoples contributions in this forum is already helpful. I admire all those brave enough to take the steps and stand for their live choices. Thanks for sharing and your inspiration.

Not native English so my apologies for typos and errors.

Best wishes to all!
 
Greetings Nerd4K,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am thinking you could benefit from reading a lot about poly in general, both here and in books such as, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino. Also I recommend you explore Franklin Veaux's website, More than Two. Then, visit Polyamory.com to post any new questions you may have.

It is fine to actively look for people to date, OKCupid is often helpful for that. Or you can just be okay with meeting new people, and let that happen if and when it will. There may also be poly groups in your area, you can attend their events and make new friends. To look for groups, try one of the following:

What to do about the kids is a whole topic by itself. Here are some of the threads on that topic:

It is good for you and your wife to discuss ahead of time what your desires and expectations are. But also be aware that new desires and expectations will arise as your situation evolves. Take things slow, and communicate as you go.

As for age, you're never to old to go poly. :)

Hopefully some of this post is helpful for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :D

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
homework

Thanks Kevin,

I totally get your recommendation to start doing my homework and read up. Even that step already feels like an acknowledgement that this is a direction I am interested in, which is exciting and worrying. It is a feeling I recognize from when we discussed having kids. Once you admit to have this desire it is a like a switch that I am not sure can be turned off again.

I ordered the book "Opening Up" and I am looking into the links about children too. I felt however that I cannot go there without my wife knowing about this and have the opportunity to join in on the discovery process. I am interested but undecided which means uncertainty, but the alternative is that I have done the research and am certain and she does not know what I am talking about. The real first conversation will have to wait until the weekend and subsequent summer holiday, but last night we had a small start discussing how we felt about the couple we left when we moved. I felt good that we good both admit that that relationship meant more to us than just neighborly friendship.

Thanks for the help so far.
 
Hi Nerd4K - and welcome to the Forum! Let me commend you on joining and participating in the Forum as part of your processing effort. When my wife and I transitioned our marriage to poly (full story in link below), I found participation in this forum to be very helpful in coming to understand polyamory. I've also read numerous books - which has been very helpful also. Like Kevin, I recommend "Opening Up" as the best choice for an overview of Consensual Nonmonogamy in general, poly's place as a specific subset of nonmonogamy, and a good overview of the practice of poly. Some of the references are a bit dated now, but I believe it still remains the best choice.

Also - you might want to explore the podcasts on polyweekly.com. The hostess, Cunning Minx, has been doing the show for a dozen years, and generally has a new podcast every couple of weeks or so. There are over 500 archived podcasts on the site - and there are no charges.

Best of luck on your exploration!

Al
 
Hi Nerd4K,

It sounds like you have a plan in place to talk to your wife over the coming weekend or so, and subsequently bring her into the research process if she's willing. It makes sense for you and her to research together, that way you can discuss with each other what you are learning as you go along.

Keep us posted as your situation progresses, let us know how your upcoming talk with your wife goes.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
AI99: I read part of your transition story. The development that other go through, with downs and how handle those as well as the ups creates some confidence for the future even if probably every relationship different. I also ordered the Heinlein book. A little lighter reading among the pile I am going through.

Kevin T: I will keep this thread updated. Some of the chapters I have read so far are so recognizable about past relationships we have had with other people. We just never put a name on it or actively choose to identify. I hope my wife will recognize that too, but I am still quite nervous to bring it up.
 
I also ordered the Heinlein book

Mr. Heinlein's Hugo winning novel Stranger in a Strange Land remains my favorite novel of any genre to this day. It is Heinlein's most (in)famous work and is widely acknowledged to have had a significant influence on the Sixties counter culture movement. The Library of Congress included it in its list of 88 books that shaped America, calling it the first SF novel to become a main stream best seller. The word "grok" originated in the novel and the pagan "Church of All Worlds" (with a poly connection itself - its founders having coined the term "polyamory") takes its name from the fictional "church" introduced in the novel. The argument continues as to whether it was Heinlein's "best" work or not - obviously a subjective debate.

That said, just be aware that the plural marriage aspect of the novel occurs in the last half of the book - and exists under unusual circumstances.

Hope you enjoy! Al
 
Hi Nerd4K,

I can't blame you for being nervous. This will be a huge conversation that you will have with your wife. Just have faith in yourself that you can do this. And that your wife will be accepting.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I talked with my wife tonight. I do not think I have more nervous about something for a long time. There is a lot at risk, but a lot to gain.

I tried to go as slow as possible. We follow this Netflix show "You, Me, Her" which may well be a ridiculous dramatization, but it was a good starting point. I said that watching that show made me wonder how much we actively choose our relationship form and how much of it just happened. I said that I felt that the relationship we had we our old neighbors was something that could have been more. Then I said I joined this forum and starting to reading up about different relationship forms and I would like us to do that together so that we can figure out if something more open and if so what would be good for us both. I also emphasized that this is not about issues in our relationship, but actually the other way around. That I feel very confident about us, which I feel gives us room to explore.

Then I went silent. The very first reaction was not all that great: "Shit I am not sure I have room in my head for this right now". She has some job related health stress. Then she thought a little bit longer and agreed about feelings for the old neighbors and came up with her own example of where she might have wanted to do more with people she met in her life if we would have had an agreement about it. Sex with other women was definitely something is did not do because she thought she was not allowed to.

We had a long discussion on the history of our lives from childhood to now, not new things we did not already knew, but now from a perspective of "would an openness to other relationship forms have made a difference". We agreed to take one evening a week to read up and discuss. To find a common ground and see where we disagree perhaps. We also agreed that this common ground on where we feel we could open up, it does not automatically mean that we will. I can mean that we only have a "shared declaration of openness" which we will not act on for all kinds of practical reasons like living with 4 kids in a small community for example.

Tired now, but it was a great first discussion in the end. I feel even more loved and understood. So far it has only brought us closer together again. A load of my shoulder.
 
Hi Nerd4K,

Sounds like you're off to a very promising start, especially considering you feel secure and fulfilled in your relationship as it is, and that first conversation went so well. A lot of people have much bumpier beginnings and still manage. So I think you'll be doing just fine.
 
Hi Nerd4K,

It sounds like your conversation went pretty well, I'm glad to hear that. Will be interested to know where (if anywhere) the two of you decide to go with this open thing in the future.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top