I am 44 male, married for about 15 years and together with my wife for more than 20 years. We have 4 kids together. So far a standard traditional family, but not all may be as it seems.
I feel that my ultimate question or interest in your points of view requires some background and history on my life, which in the end culminated to writing this post. So I hope you have some patience...
Since I was a kid I have wondered how much of the traditional family is pushed on us by society/religion. Back then I thought it made a lot more sense for people to love more than one person and that a more natural state of people would be to be bisexual. I did not get how love could be restricted or run out.
I am not sure when I forgot/suppressed this, but my parents recently reminded me about the questions I used to ask a kid. During puberty I experimented with both girls and boys but ended up more with girls.
When I was about 16-17 years old I met a girl (let's call her Sam for future reference) that I got to know through connections of my parents. Sparks were flying and there was this instant connection between us. She however, lived and lives in another country across the globe and although we always stayed in touch it never felt it was possible to be together. We still meet every couple of years.We have kissed but never had sex.
At 18, I moved to the university town where I met my wife at 20 and again it was love at first sight. We dated while studying as we lived across the country and moved in together when I finished my degree.We got married a few years after. We have had a brief separation when I was about 24 ran into someone else and did not understand my own feelings about this person and if it would mean I could not love my-now-wife.
My wife and I are pretty open and talk about many of our thoughts and fantasies. My wife knows about Sam and she attended our wedding. She knows I love her too, but probably feels secure about it partly because off the sheer geographical distance.
My wife has had her small adventures making out with other men and women while in our relationship, but I was always there and never thought it meant she loved me less.
After a few years of marriage we got our first two kids shortly after each other. Our then neighbors did as well and as new parents we quickly found support in each other. We became really close and doors between our houses were always open. We took care of each others children, combined shopping trips, did holidays together. I loved the additional perspective they brought to our lives. We were for example a lot better at financial stuff and planning, while they were a lot better/ more interested in household chores.
I loved the life we had together and I can now admit I loved them both. There were certainly times of sexual tension and something could have happened, but I think we were all to afraid we could mess up the good thing we had.
For work we had to move, and although they visit us and when they do it is like old times, the closeness we had on a daily basis is something I still miss.
I am not sure what has happened that has now triggered my thinking about poly-amorous families and if that would be something for us, but looking back on my life so far I think it might be something for us.
I am not sure yet if it would need a sexual dimension altogether, but I feel I have more people to love. Perhaps that is partly why we have four kids, even if that is a different kind of love.
If I would dare admit to myself that this is something I am interested in, there are so many follow up questions like:
- Would an extension of our family need to happen spontaneous (you suddenly meet someone you cannot ignore), or would it be OK actively look for people to share live with
- Would I dare face the scrutiny of the outside world (we are not anonymous in a big city) and what would it mean for our kids
- I am not sure I am interested in just extra sex partners, but with kids something else is a much bigger commitment from everybody. Is that realistic?
- If our marriage would become a different relationship with more people how far do I and my wife really want to go and should we know that from the start? Do we need to define ourselves as hetero or bi, or is that something we can explore or may even depend on how we feel about the new people involved.
- It is not that I am currently unhappy, so how much do you need to want this since it undoubtedly will also come with pain and people not understanding.
- I think my wife knows all the parts of my puzzle, and I think I know hers, but I so not want to talk about this with her in way that would make her feel insecure about how much I love her or that something is wrong with the relationship we have. How to do that?
- Are we too old for this? Somehow I wish I had had the nerve/insight to look into this 20 years ago.
Reading some of the other peoples contributions in this forum is already helpful. I admire all those brave enough to take the steps and stand for their live choices. Thanks for sharing and your inspiration.
Not native English so my apologies for typos and errors.
Best wishes to all!
I feel that my ultimate question or interest in your points of view requires some background and history on my life, which in the end culminated to writing this post. So I hope you have some patience...
Since I was a kid I have wondered how much of the traditional family is pushed on us by society/religion. Back then I thought it made a lot more sense for people to love more than one person and that a more natural state of people would be to be bisexual. I did not get how love could be restricted or run out.
I am not sure when I forgot/suppressed this, but my parents recently reminded me about the questions I used to ask a kid. During puberty I experimented with both girls and boys but ended up more with girls.
When I was about 16-17 years old I met a girl (let's call her Sam for future reference) that I got to know through connections of my parents. Sparks were flying and there was this instant connection between us. She however, lived and lives in another country across the globe and although we always stayed in touch it never felt it was possible to be together. We still meet every couple of years.We have kissed but never had sex.
At 18, I moved to the university town where I met my wife at 20 and again it was love at first sight. We dated while studying as we lived across the country and moved in together when I finished my degree.We got married a few years after. We have had a brief separation when I was about 24 ran into someone else and did not understand my own feelings about this person and if it would mean I could not love my-now-wife.
My wife and I are pretty open and talk about many of our thoughts and fantasies. My wife knows about Sam and she attended our wedding. She knows I love her too, but probably feels secure about it partly because off the sheer geographical distance.
My wife has had her small adventures making out with other men and women while in our relationship, but I was always there and never thought it meant she loved me less.
After a few years of marriage we got our first two kids shortly after each other. Our then neighbors did as well and as new parents we quickly found support in each other. We became really close and doors between our houses were always open. We took care of each others children, combined shopping trips, did holidays together. I loved the additional perspective they brought to our lives. We were for example a lot better at financial stuff and planning, while they were a lot better/ more interested in household chores.
I loved the life we had together and I can now admit I loved them both. There were certainly times of sexual tension and something could have happened, but I think we were all to afraid we could mess up the good thing we had.
For work we had to move, and although they visit us and when they do it is like old times, the closeness we had on a daily basis is something I still miss.
I am not sure what has happened that has now triggered my thinking about poly-amorous families and if that would be something for us, but looking back on my life so far I think it might be something for us.
I am not sure yet if it would need a sexual dimension altogether, but I feel I have more people to love. Perhaps that is partly why we have four kids, even if that is a different kind of love.
If I would dare admit to myself that this is something I am interested in, there are so many follow up questions like:
- Would an extension of our family need to happen spontaneous (you suddenly meet someone you cannot ignore), or would it be OK actively look for people to share live with
- Would I dare face the scrutiny of the outside world (we are not anonymous in a big city) and what would it mean for our kids
- I am not sure I am interested in just extra sex partners, but with kids something else is a much bigger commitment from everybody. Is that realistic?
- If our marriage would become a different relationship with more people how far do I and my wife really want to go and should we know that from the start? Do we need to define ourselves as hetero or bi, or is that something we can explore or may even depend on how we feel about the new people involved.
- It is not that I am currently unhappy, so how much do you need to want this since it undoubtedly will also come with pain and people not understanding.
- I think my wife knows all the parts of my puzzle, and I think I know hers, but I so not want to talk about this with her in way that would make her feel insecure about how much I love her or that something is wrong with the relationship we have. How to do that?
- Are we too old for this? Somehow I wish I had had the nerve/insight to look into this 20 years ago.
Reading some of the other peoples contributions in this forum is already helpful. I admire all those brave enough to take the steps and stand for their live choices. Thanks for sharing and your inspiration.
Not native English so my apologies for typos and errors.
Best wishes to all!