powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
I think you really did the right thing. Ponytail has a lot of work to do on himself. It's hard, though; I have been there.
I am afraid that we will come away from it convinced that we just aren’t healthy for each other.
I want us to come out of this week armed with reflection that will help us develop healthier habits.
In writing that out, I realize that it sounds insane. I have a husband, two small children, two jobs, a volunteer gig, and a household....there are plenty of things that, if I was giving them all adequate attention, would limit my relationship with Ponytail. I don't need to add another partner into the mix in order to do that....
I do think I might want to explore a relationship with Laptop.
Maybe the best course of action would be to ask Ponytail for a longer break, explore a relationship with Laptop, and see if a more casual/less intense relationship with Laptop yields me with a more balanced lifestyle. Maybe there's no way to really dial back my relationship with Ponytail. Maybe I need to find a new person in order to get the life balance I need.
Did you therapist talk to you at all about what would be best for YOU?
She also said it wasn’t fair to dial things back to one date per week. That I might wish that we had moved slower, but that it was kind of too late to go backwards now
I think what she is trying to get me to realize is that my mental health needs and Ponytail’s mental health needs are incongruous.
I think she ultimately thinks that the best thing for me is to go separate ways — which is why I am worried that there is no way forward in this relationship. I either need to change the way that I cope with my anxiety in response to Ponytail, or I need to recognize that Ponytail is not going to be able to change without sacrificing his own mental health — either way, we won’t be healthy for each other.
Well, she could ask you that more directly. "If you need this for your mental health and he needs that... do you see this relationship as compatible or incompatible?"
Galagirl
She's not really saying that I need to acquiesce to his needs, but rather that I shouldn't carry on hoping for him to give up his needs anymore than I am willing to give up my needs.
I think she did frame it just about exactly like that. I think I am hesitant to provide the answer to the question because I am holding out hope that he will magically decide that it is worth it to see me one time a week than not at all.
One in which he (consciously or unconsciously) became attached to me and put me on a pedestal and told me how amazing I was and how much he loved me -- all as an effort to escalate and intensify our relationship so that I would spend time with him and be an anesthetic to his depression. Essentially, he was self-medicating with me as the treatment.
This seems like a fairly clinical description of my role in his life. I tried to not overthink it and said something to the effect of, "Well, if hugs are what you need, who else could you go to for a hug?" Friends? Parents? No and no. I am the only person in his life who he can hug.
Maybe I'm just freaking out because I feel backed into a corner. I just feel like, if Ponytail really loved me, why would he put his mental health above mine? Especially after I have tried so hard to be supportive of his mental health? Doesn't he realize that it's my turn to get what I need?
Basically as I was trying to ask him why he needed to see me more than once a week (in an effort to see what other ways he could meet his needs without me), he described how he needed physical touch and contact, that it releases endorphins that help him manage anxiety/depression.
This seems like a fairly clinical description of my role in his life. I tried to not overthink it and said something to the effect of, "Well, if hugs are what you need, who else could you go to for a hug?" Friends? Parents? No and no. I am the only person in his life who he can hug.
I may be paranoid, but this sent me into a total breakdown.
I explained that hanging up on a person wasn't my idea of a healthy relationship. That what I wanted was for Ponytail to accept my boundaries and not try to redirect the conversation to his own feelings.
That I felt like he was always putting his needs first. That I felt like he didn't care about me and just wanted to use me to self-medicate. She kept interrupting me, saying that Ponytail loved me, that she knew that he loved me because he had told her that, that his talk of endorphins was just his way of looking at love from a scientific perspective, etc. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. She just kept belittling me...
...I am going to assemble all the things I want to give him (his Christmas present, some books that I bought about relationships when struggling with depression), with the assumption that tomorrow may be the last time I see him. But if we are able to figure out a way out of this, I'd like to try.
First, I'm sorry you felt ignored, belittled and unheard. That can't have been easy and likely was the last thing you expected.
That said, I get why you feel that's not a healthy relationship but I also think whether she meant to or not, the therapist was giving you some good advice even if it was hard to hear. Hanging up on someone is healthier than staying on the phone with someone while they try to negotiate the boundary you just set. As I read it, you want ponytail to not only respect the boundary but also, regarding his own emotional state, suddenly see the light, fully comprehending why you're asking for this and not make it about him. You want his emotional state to change because you're setting a boundary but honestly that's not what setting a boundary is about. You're setting this boundary to ensure your own emotional health and safety which means he really has two choices: accept and honor the boundary (a healthy, functional choice) or do what he did- make it about him, try to push the boundary back, and put his mental health in your hands (an unhealthy, dysfunctional choice.)
So in this light, hanging up on him would have been a healthy choice because in essence he's saying "I know you need this for your emotional health and safety but here's how and why that's wrong…" It's enforcing your boundary. Whether or not he accepts the boundary it's up to you to enforce it. From your descriptions of him, ponytail strikes me as someone that has poor or sloppy boundaries, including holding his partner responsible for his emotional state. You've also noted that you have a hard time with boundaries. Combine this mutual struggle with boundaries and you end up with what you had- not only having someone argue with you about what you need, but also you feeling some obligation to listen to it. In this case, having you hang up on him may have been exactly what he needs to get a grip on what a boundary is. Having someone state and enforce a boundary could be a very important life lesson for him.
I mean this quite seriously- hanging up on him is probably exactly what the situation needed to move past the emotional mire the relationship is in. Of course I'm sure even the thought of it is frightening. Learning to enforce tough boundaries with people that we love can be a scary process. But it's worth it because it sends a clear message that you value your emotional health and safety, that anybody that wants to be with has to value it too.
Do you actually doubt that he loves you? I don't, despite not knowing him, that doesn't seem in doubt. The issue is, what does loving you actually mean to him?
Is he able to form healthy attachments to his partners or do his unresolved behavioral health issues make it nearly impossible for him to do that? Love for someone else can inspire us but ultimately, it won't resolve our issues. Only loving yourself will do that.
So if it's the latter, ask yourself if that's something you want in a partner? As much as we might like to, we can't really separate the person we love from the issues they bring to the table. Does this relationship bring joy and peaceful times to your life or do you feel trapped under a blanket of sadness and constant emotional processing? As another thought experiment ask yourself, other than "love", what's he's bringing into your life? Are the net positives worth driving in a snow storm with tears in your eyes? Do you enjoy crying at 2 am? Is having someone attempt to beat back an expressed boundary exhilarating or crazy making?
Once again, I am sorry that you're going through such a tough, emotionally trying time. I hope that you can figure your way out of this in a way that protects your emotional safety.