Do you LDR?

sunray

New member
Wondering how many folks here have a long term long distance relationship as part of their polycule. How long have you maintained that connection? How often do you see your long distance partner? How emotionally close do you feel to that person as opposed to someone you can connect with physically more frequently? Did that change for you when NRE wore off (if it did, or if you ever had some)?

I'm just curious to hear other people's experiences. RacingSnail and I have been together (long distance) for about 8 months months now (with about nine days of that face to face). Things are going smoothly so far, and I am feeling some long term potential. :)
 
No. Just no. I couldn't do it. Irl, quality time is too important for me to feel connected to someone.
 
Wondering how many folks here have a long term long distance relationship as part of their polycule. How long have you maintained that connection? How often do you see your long distance partner? How emotionally close do you feel to that person as opposed to someone you can connect with physically more frequently? Did that change for you when NRE wore off (if it did, or if you ever had some)?

I'm just curious to hear other people's experiences. RacingSnail and I have been together (long distance) for about 8 months months now (with about nine days of that face to face). Things are going smoothly so far, and I am feeling some long term potential. :)

Yes. I am in a LDR with BOTH my partners, J and B. (I am the hinge of our V.)

J and I met on a social media site about 3-4 years ago, and have been in a committed LDR for just over two years (with about 3+ weeks spent together IRL, fairly recently.)

My female lover, B, used to be involved with J in a part LD/part IRL friends with benefits arrangement. I have been with her for about one year now (those two are no longer involved physically, but have a deep connection still, and we consider ourselves a V triad.)

I spent about a month in their country altogether - spending approximately three weeks with J and almost two weeks with B. (Four of these days overlapped, as all three of us stayed at the same place during this time.)

J and B have been friends for about four years and have met IRL several times, both when they were involved with each other, and since. In fact they are on a vacation together right now. The only reason I am not there with them is because of distance (I live in another country), so finances and logistics play into this. However we three ARE planning on merging our lives at some point in the medium-term future.
 
I have been in a long distance relationship with my partner of 6.5 years. He lives with his wife and kid and I live with my nesting partner of 12 years. I also have another local partner who I've been with almost 2 years now.

how long have you maintained that connection?
6.5 years

How often do you see your long distance partner?
We see each other once every two-three months for 2-7 days.

How emotionally close do you feel to that person as opposed to someone you can connect with physically more frequently?
I feel a deep connection with him. We don't always stay in the best of contact between visits (now, early in the relationship we very much talked every day) when we get together it's like picking up where we left off. Our connection is lovely and supportive and based around vacations and adventures. Our sexual connection is amazing and easier then my connection with my local partners. I don't feel like I'm closer to my local people but they know a lot more about the day to day details of my life. I would say the connections are just different.

Did that change for you when NRE wore off (if it did, or if you ever had some)?
OMG we had the most insane crippling NRE. I was so obsessed with him I would wonder into traffic without seeing what was right in front of me. It was heartbreaking that he lived so far away and our relationship was limited in what it could look like. The NRE wore off around 3-4 years in. And we talk less on the phone or by text. And when we are together we don't need to fuck for a day straight before talking to anyone else. I've loved how comfortable and stable our relationship has become.

He was down visiting me last week and we were talking about how much heart ache we had to go through and how simple and sweet and powerful and different our relationship is shaped then a mono couple. This relationship has been an amazing adventure and we are both looking forward to seeing how it goes in the future.
 
OMG we had the most insane crippling NRE. I was so obsessed with him I would wonder into traffic without seeing what was right in front of me. It was heartbreaking that he lived so far away and our relationship was limited in what it could look like. The NRE wore off around 3-4 years in. And we talk less on the phone or by text. And when we are together we don't need to fuck for a day straight before talking to anyone else. I've loved how comfortable and stable our relationship has become.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention that with my first partner, J, the NRE was out of this world! I confess it still hasn't worn off for me more than two years in, though it has waned some due to circumstances beyond my control. That is to say that in J's case it appeared to wear off much quicker, about eight months in, and rather suddenly, which was disconcerting and has caused me to feel a great deal of anxiety and insecurity which was definitely not present in our first incarnation.
 
Thanks for your reply, lunabunny!

That is to say that in J's case it appeared to wear off much quicker, about eight months in, and rather suddenly, which was disconcerting and has caused me to feel a great deal of anxiety and insecurity which was definitely not present in our first incarnation.

By first incarnation, do you mean that first eight months, when your NRE was more matching?
 
Did that change for you when NRE wore off (if it did, or if you ever had some)?
OMG we had the most insane crippling NRE. I was so obsessed with him I would wonder into traffic without seeing what was right in front of me. It was heartbreaking that he lived so far away and our relationship was limited in what it could look like. The NRE wore off around 3-4 years in. And we talk less on the phone or by text. And when we are together we don't need to fuck for a day straight before talking to anyone else. I've loved how comfortable and stable our relationship has become.

Aw, rosephase, that gives me the warm fuzzies! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences!
 
Basically, all my relationships were LDR because I traveled a lot for work. I would spend a week or two in Seattle where I was dating two women. Then I would make my way to Florida to be with my wife for a week or two, then back to Seattle. In between I would get to Ohio and Chicago when I could. That was a couple times a year at least. MK did come down for a visit once. We broke up over issues unrelated to LDR.

Overall it worked out pretty good. Everybody knew I traveled before anything started so they were okay with the time away. Sometimes it seemed like I was constantly texting or on the phone with someone 24/7.

Unfortunately, my situation has changed drastically. It is doubtful that I will get back to Seattle often, if at all. I don't think those relationships will continue. In the future I will avoid LDR altogether.
 
Thanks for your reply, lunabunny!



By first incarnation, do you mean that first eight months, when your NRE was more matching?

You're welcome. :)

And yes, I mean during that time when it was just J and I in the relationship and both intensity and "time spent" communicating with each other matched very closely.

Since then, a number of life changes (especially on his side) meant that J's focus on the relationship became distracted, and the effort and time he spent communicating with me lessened quite dramatically.

A few months after this - and in large part due to not having all my needs met by J- I began a relationship with a former lover of his, B - which again changed the tone and frequency of our interactions.

That said, J is still devoted to me and to our relationship, is very close to B also (in a mostly platonic way), and all three of us wish to build a life together.
 
I was in an LDR a long time ago. It lasted about four months, and was one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. At the end of those months, I flew out (from Utah to Michigan) to marry her. I then lived with her in Michigan for over 18 years. Then she and I moved (with my present-day V companions) to New Mexico. By which time she had rather advanced Alzheimer's, so my role in her life had changed.

All that narrative just to tell you that I'm not a fan of LDRs. Once in awhile they're okay, but most of the time, they suck. IMO.
 
I can't. Physical touch and quality time are my two biggest love languages. Dating someone even an hour away is difficult for me! If it is going to be a significant relationship, then I need that person to be present in my life.
 
There's LDR, then there's LDR.

I've lived a 15-minute walk away from a partner I'd see maybe once a month. I didn't feel particularly deprived, because I had other sexual / loving / emotional / social partners.

Often, it is what you make it.
 
There's LDR, then there's LDR.

Indeed, and though RacingSnail is two time zones across the country from me, and we can only see each other twice a year or so, I can see that I'm luckily better suited to a long-term LDR than some folks who have commented here. Missing a more routine physical connection is hard, but not excruciatingly so for me.

I really appreciate getting to hear other people's experiences; thank you all.
 
My boyfriend and I have been together a year and a half now. We see each other every other month or so. I wish we could more but scheduling and such and I fly since it's not close enough to drive.

I've just begun a new relationship that is long distance as well but I already feel like it's very right and will be long term. Every other month will probably be the frequency as well, maybe more, again schedule and flights.
 
I have a longish-driving-distance FWB relationship; he's about 3 hours away and we hook up when he's in my town (he used to live here when the relationship started).

I wouldn't deliberately start a long-distance thing again (I once did a 5 hour drive one before I knew myself better), though I might attempt to keep a relationship going long distance if I was to move. I'm pretty unlikely to do it though.
 
I've had a couple relationships that were kind of long distance. When I met Pixi on OKC, she lived 22 miles away and we commuted every week to see each other. City and highway driving, so it took 45 minutes. It was hard, but worth it.

In recent years, I only date people who are 30 minutes or less of a drive. I prefer to see my lover at least once a week. I want to have sex, not just talk about it.
 
I've tried a long distance relationship once in the 90s and it did not work at all. I was on tour and met a guy who lived in Las Vegas. It was fine for a short time, but then it became too tedious. Not being able to see each other more often was my big issue. It was at the time when the internet was still on dial up, so it was emails and phone calls. But I just could not take it anymore, even though he was a sweet guy. It was uncomfortable when I had to tell him. I don't know what happened to him since, but it doesn't matter, because things happen for a reason and I found my happiness.
 
I would never deliberately agree to an LDR. While MrS and I were in college and had been together for 2 years (and living or practically living together for that time) he was considering joining the military. My response was that I could not, in all probability, remain in a relationship under those circumstances and he decided against it.

I have a long-term friend/FWB who lives across the state. Our relationship started in college and is maintained over months and years of seeing each other very occasionally. I can do friendships that way - with or without sex - but would not consider that a romantic relationship.

I am such a home-body that really more than 45 minutes (which is about what Lotus was) is a big stretch for me to consider unless they were willing to come and stay with me on weekends or something similar.

I don't really like to text or talk on the phone so I need lots of face-to-face time to really get close to someone.
 
Different countries

Hi I'm currently in a MMF triad relationship that the other M is in a different country. My wife and I have been married for 8 years and the last 2 and half we have also been with him. It is one of the hardest things we have ever done, but that's because we all want to be together But having trouble with immigration. He is worth it!
 
I could date someone an hour or so away, because time is relative in my area. (I'm in the same general metropolitan area as Mags, though a different part of that area.) Since I moved last summer, my boyfriend's house is about 25 miles away, but it can take me up to an hour to get there depending on traffic and on what route I take (back roads vs. highway). I grew up in Maine, where for a few years I lived in a town where weekly grocery shopping was a 90-minute round trip, about 65 miles total, and where for a while I worked at a place that was 60 miles from where I lived, so I'm used to driving distances.

But I could not date someone I wouldn't be able to see at least once a week. I have difficulty forming attachments to people, and if I don't see and/or hear from them regularly, I feel very disconnected from them. Ideally I would see a partner more than once a week, but seeing them once a week and talking/texting with them 2-3 times a week seems to be something that works for me. Any less than that, and I don't feel like I'm in a relationship at all, and sometimes even start to forget about the other person.
 
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