Not wanting to have sex with my partner

metandwessy

New member
So my partner and I have been together for over two years now and the chemistry and sexual excitement has been fading for a bit. Sometimes it's nice that we are in an open relationship because we can both be excited about sex with other people and sometimes it makes us more excited to be with each other too. Not all the time, but sometimes.

About a month ago, we had an STI scare which we think was due to my partner having unprotected oral with a risky sex partner. His tests came up positive but mine did not but we both took the medications and abstained from sex with each other and others. Even though I knew about it beforehand and consented to have unprotected sex with him a few days later, I have to admit, I was pretty turned off by the whole thing and haven't really wanted to be with him ever since.

I think part of the reason is the whole STI thing and the fact that his lingered for a couple weeks after he was treated and I had a feeling it was still around but he insisted it wasn't. Finally, he agreed to go get re-checked just to make sure and turns out he still had something. Then I was super glad I had decided not to have sex with him despite his trying to persuade me!

Now it's been a couple weeks since then and I'm pretty turned off. He insists that he has absolutely no more symptoms and wants to be sexual. I'm still scared and frankly, my vagina is like the most balanced and healthy it's ever been since I haven't had unprotected sex with him in over a month. I don't really want to lose that and plus I've just really been turned off by this whole ordeal.

In addition to that, we've been having a few other relationship strains and miscommunication and so having sex with him just seems like the furthest thing from my mind. He has other partners and as long as it's planned so I can go be with my other partners, I'm totally cool with him going to fuck them.

But the last couple days he has started saying something that just absolutely enrages me. He'll initiate sex and though I don't flat out reject him, he can tell I'm just not that excited. Then he'll say "well then I'm just going to go find someone else to have sex with tonight then". And then I'm REALLY turned off and disgusted. I try to express this to him and he says "well I need to get my needs met somehow so you really should try to be understanding of that".

Where do I even start?! Is this my problem? Is this a totally fair thing for him to say and do and I need to be more understanding of it? What do you guys think?
 
Ugh.

It's possible that you are physically turned off because emotionally, you know things are over. That happened to me. You can rationalize it by how healthy yoyr body feels, and how germy he seems, but maybe your body is just telling you what your heart already knows. Don't drag it out.
 
I think now would be the time to break up with him, since you might have a chance of doing it amicably, whereas if you wait, resentment will build and build until the only kind of breakup available will be a nasty, hateful one.

I also think you should absolutely refuse to have sex with him if your heart's not in it. Don't agree to do it reluctantly. Just say no. You don't even know if it's physically safe to say yes. Shouldn't he be going to get himself tested again?

He's careless about who he has unprotected sex with, and disrespectful towards you. This is not a good sign for the relationship going forward. Either break up now or start seeing a couples therapist as soon as possible.

Please keep us posted so we can offer ongoing support and feedback.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Then he'll say "well then I'm just going to go find someone else to have sex with tonight then ... well I need to get my needs met somehow so you really should try to be understanding of that".

Uhhh. Definitely by his attitudes, it's apparent something's gotta change here. He's being self-centered, risking your sexual health for his own sexual highs. And the way he's phrasing things is unambiguously manipulative, trying to coerce you. You've gotta tell him upfront, firm and stern, it's not HIS way or the highway, it's "we're going to work on this mutually and cooperatively, or it's the highway." He needs to hear that you see and do not appreciate his hasty and narcissistic approach to getting sex, and if he's going to keep insisting... then is when I'd say taking the highway is a good option. Make like a bat outta hell, and don't look back for a while. If he's eager to make promises, ignore them unless he's made real progress on his own. He may not be a lost case, but it's not within your ability nor responsibility to help him up. If he just wants to fuck around and be immature, that's on him.
 
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I agree it sounds like things are over.
 
What STI did he get?

Can you have sex with him using a condom? Were you yeasty before? Is that what you mean by now being more healthy and balanced vaginally?

I broke up with my bf last year partly because he dated and had intimate relations with 3 women in a row who had herpes. So I understand your upset at him having oral sex with someone who is "high risk." But what kind of high risk was she? Does she have lots of unprotected sex with many many partners?

Some poly people are quite promiscuous.

Now, on the other hand, I have a much higher sex drive than my gf, so in a way, I understand your bf's attitude. I DO seek other partners because she does not fully satisfy my sexual needs. I wouldn't say that to her sarcastically, but we both know it is so. In fact, she likes when I have a horny OSO. It takes the pressure off of her.

Anyway, my post is contrary to what others are saying. "Just dump him" seems so drastic, when the issue is just safer sex practices. Is there any way to improve communication and behavior around this issue?

Or are you just done for more than that one reason?
 
...
But the last couple days he has started saying something that just absolutely enrages me. He'll initiate sex and though I don't flat out reject him, he can tell I'm just not that excited. Then he'll say "well then I'm just going to go find someone else to have sex with tonight then". And then I'm REALLY turned off and disgusted. I try to express this to him and he says "well I need to get my needs met somehow so you really should try to be understanding of that".

Where do I even start?! Is this my problem? Is this a totally fair thing for him to say and do and I need to be more understanding of it? What do you guys think?

It really sucks to be rejected, it does - I've been there. And sometimes we, in our shame and our pain of being rejected, say things that cut those we care about and make the situation worse. So no, it is not fair for him to say and do...but it does happen and takes a lot of understanding (on both sides) to get past it.

I have always had a higher sex drive than my husband, MrS. I'm sure I've said things to him that drove him further away from sex with me when I was sexually frustrated and feeling unlovable (probably didn't help that we were trying to get pregnant at the time - more pressure!).

Finally, I saw a glimmer of what I was doing. Would I want to have sex with someone who was pouty and despondent if they didn't get what they wanted? Would I want to have sex with someone whose self-image depended on someone else's horniness level? Um, no. So I decided to try to BE the fun, happy, confident person that I would want to have sex with myself (the person I was when we met, the person whose emotions weren't tied to "outcomes"). My sexiness is part of ME! Whether anyone else appreciates it or not. I actually don't know if the number of sexual encounters increased (I think it did), but the pressure diminished and sex (or almost sex, or talking about sex, or being sexy without sex) was FUN again.

But, I don't really think that I understood the pressure I was putting on him (and thereby turning him off) until the shoe was on the other foot.

Dude, in turn, has a much higher sex drive than me. And, once the NRE was wearing off, it seemed like he was looking for sex with me constantly - I felt pressured and pestered, I'd be trying to get ready for work and he's all getting in my way. We worked on it. Once he found Lotus, the dynamics changed - he had another outlet - but would still get frustrated if he was in the mood and I wasn't - and come out with insensitive shit like "Fine. I'll just have to go see my OTHER girlfriend. She LIKES sex." This was during their NRE phase - so you had their new-shiny passion for each other as I was working through my insecurities. Could have taken a turn for the worse.

Despite a few rough bits - luckily, I was able to see myself in some of what Dude was saying and empathize. And he is logical enough, once he gets over his disappointment, to see the truth in such questions as "Dude, do you really think that getting hostile and insulting toward the person you are trying to seduce is likely to end in the desired outcome?" (Duh. No, of course not.).

We worked out work-arounds - I agreed to consider sex, or sexy-play, if I was merely indifferent to the idea but not against (as I often warm up as we interact but am not always up for PIV from the get-go). He agreed to let go the "goal" of PIV if it was a no-go for me - and settle for mutual masturbation or getting himself off while touching me (which is, most of the time, fine with me - and sometimes gets me prepped for a little quickie PIV as "dessert").

(I could go on-and-on, although I have probably already shared too much - I could write a book! Perhaps someday I will :D I'll leave it there for now.)

JaneQ
 
I'm pretty turned off...I'm still scared...I've just really been turned off by this whole ordeal....having sex with him just seems like the furthest thing from my mind....I'm totally cool with him going to fuck them...I'm just not that excited.
Then he'll say "well then I'm just going to go find someone else to have sex with tonight then". And then I'm REALLY turned off and disgusted.

It sounds like you started off turned off and disgusted because of his decisions, displayed that to him, he openly told you he sees it and said something about it, and you are angry about his saying something about it.

While it would be pretty easy to go back and forth in "he did this" and "she did this" to figure out who is the bigger villain, it might be easier to just break it down to weather or not this is an association you are actually interested in salvaging. Currently it appears that you aren't interested in maintaining it and might be better served in conserving your energy for moving forward.

Relationships end and that can be emotionally taxing so there's no need in wasting that precious energy on hating or blaming your soon to be ex for their transgressions (or you for your own). It might just be better to learn from the mistakes made and make as kind and graceful an exit as possible.
 
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