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Well, Pixi and I spent a couple more hours talking about this last night. And it sucks this is happened now, because she really loved her dog, who was 17, and she's in mourning. And now I am mourning my relationship with Kahlo. I feel bad to be mourning a relationship of only 9 months when she is mourning a relationship of 17 years. But she's still being great, as she always is. Very supportive and loving.

I had a cry last night. Pixi was crying about her dog, I was crying about Kahlo being so obtuse and such a jackass.

I really wanted a boyfriend right now, since Pixi works at her camp out of state most of the summer. She can get a day a week off to come home, and I can go visit her too, but there will be empty days. In a way, it's good the old sick dog passed away since that won't be a factor, I won't have to deal with her illnesses and decrepitude and meds alone. And dog care won't be a problem now when I get in the car and drive up to New Hampshire to visit Pixi. She's been promoted and will even have a private cabin now.

Pixi is not bent out of shape by the ass grabbing in particular. She thinks it was wrong, of course, but she's not traumatised by it. She's leaving it up to me what to do. She is willing to give Kahlo forgiveness, the benefit of the doubt as to mistakes made on all sides, and a pass for being otherwise a nice guy. Weird? Yes. But we are kinda weird too, in our ways. Though we are more ethical. But we understand poly. Kahlo does not.

But me? I am feeling more and more upset that he focused on her so much the last couple months, and neglected me. When I think about it, I feel used and objectified. Like, he used my body for a few months, but then set me aside to go after fresh meat. And used me as a relief valve from when he got excited over Pixi. I had even told him this, that I was used to relieve his arousal from playing cat and mouse with Pixi, and he denied it, and maybe he wasn't even aware of it, but it seems quite obvious.

I don't see how I can go on. I can forgive him, but I don't trust him and I don't really desire to be touched by him anymore.

He friend zoned me to go after my girlfriend, who did not welcome his advances. Finally he convinced himself her ass was up for grabs when it would have been obvious to anyone not crazed with lust that she was fast asleep and couldn't consent.

It's funny, the other night when he was here and we talked for hours, I was telling him about Ginger and what an abusive narcissist he turned out to be. And Kahlo was all, yeah, I've had run-ins with narcissists too. They are so nice one minute, and then suddenly turn on you and start treating you like shit.

Pot kettle?
 
Kahlo has been sporadically texting me. Two days ago, he texted, "Whatchupto?" After I saw it, I decided to respond casually, "This and that." The following day he said, "And what about the other?" 4 hours later I said, "I do this and that, you do the other."

I would guess he's waiting for me to invite him over... I don't wanna! I was so stressed out from this relationship shit, and the dog dying, when I set out for my dinner date with the new guy 2 nights ago, I was hurting from forehead to butt, and also felt nauseated. I've been getting on and off nauseated since 2 days before the dog died. I think sometimes adrenaline floods my body and slows my digestion.

By the time I got to the pub, my stomach felt better, thank goodness. I was able to mostly forget my headache and backaches by chatting with new guy. I was able to drink a beer and nibble on the cheese platter he ordered.

He was extremely pleasant and interesting, and the pub was adorable and cozy, full of antiques and oil paintings, reproductions of Waterhouse and Manet and Titian and others. There were stamped tin tiles on the ceiling and upper walls. Antique bar. There was a small stage in the dining room for live music groups, draped with red velvet curtains, with an Art Deco crescent moon with a profile face hanging at the back of the stage. On the floor in front of the stage was an upright piano. A guy came and played and sang songs from the '40's and '50's for most of the time we were there. It was so lovely. Right up my vintage loving alley.

I'd latch onto this guy if he didn't seem so busy. I dunno, Pixi thinks I deserve a mono guy who will be devoted to me. That would be nice! That would entail paying the fee at OK Cupid so I can access the many messages I'm sure I've gotten, and would get, but can't right now under their new (match.com) system.

So new guy has 2 female partners. And he lives right near his ex wife with whom he has 2 15 year old kids, fraternal twins, shared custody. He lives with one of his partners only 20 mins away from me. His other gf lives down in RI and I think he sees her pretty often too. He rarely has sex with his live-in gf. The other one has a higher libido, and she and he share a male FWB they see about once a month for socializing and sex. So, a typical full and complicated polycule.

But this guy REALLY liked me. (However, so did Rick, and look how that turned out.) I told this guy about Rick and how he really was too busy for me. So new guy said he hasn't had a new partner in 6 years. He's been with his current partners a long time, 22 years with the live-in one and 8 years with the RI one. Maybe since his live-in doesn't do sex, he feels he needs more? But he seems very cool, friendly, polite, decent enough looking (blonde bearded blue eyed), intelligent, good sense of humor, rather kinky, very well traveled, something of a foodie, lover of fine liquors, 420 friendly, progressive, kinda Buddhist, yada yada. He's my age, not some young guy confused about where his life is going. So maybe more trustworthy? I don't know.

Another possible problem is, he said his live-in was fine as could be he was meeting me, but the other one hasn't shared him with a new woman ever, and was "scared." Hmph. He sounded optimistic he could make her feel ok with it though.

I don't want to decide. I told him how things have just gotten so fucked up with Kahlo, and the dog just died, and he understood. He gave me a big hug goodnight, and his takeout container was in the way, but he managed to smack a kiss on my neck haha. He wants to make plans to meet again. He paid for our dinner and drinks, so at least it was a free night of entertainment.

Pixi has 2 days of archery training about 45 minutes away this weekend, 9-6. Her bf needs a ride to Logan Airport on Sunday morning for a work trip. He has to be at airport at 6am. But that's a 2 hour round trip for her, and then she's got the archery course south of us at 9am! I suggested she just drop him at the shuttle stop in Framingham instead. He'll just be gone 3 days so will probably just need a carry-on bag. We'll see how all that works out!
 
The whirlwind of our losses, dog and Kahlo, is becoming less stressful. I am gradually becoming OK with the end of my relationship. And I must say, I am loving not having a dog... Sounds cold to admit, but her presence was always tiring, even exhausting, to me, since she was so high strung and needy. And being ill this year, and deaf and infirm for a year or so before that... ugh. Life is so peaceful now. I have much more time for myself and projects and reading and social life. And I have more energy for Pixi and vice versa. I am loving it.

So one week ago I bit the bullet, and had a phone breakup with Kahlo. I'd been avoiding him for about a week before that. He kept texting me every few days, not getting the hint when I kept putting him off. So I finally texted him last Thursday morning and asked him to call me that evening. He just texted back, "Sure."

He called at 9, using Skype. The connection was bad and we were disconnected after a minute. He called me back using regular phone company. There was banging and thrashing noises and I asked what was going on. He said he was getting into his van. So I made small talk for a minute. Asked him what he'd been up to. As he told me, I could hear him also chewing. Knowing him, he'd just been to the grocery store and was eating an orange.

This pissed me off, the lack of focus. When he is in the doghouse big time and, as my friend T had said, should be bowing and scraping and treating me like gold to get back in my good graces. But he has not done that. I guess he doesn't care enough to even be on better behavior after fucking up so badly. Feh. What a jerk.

So I cut to the chase and said, "I don't feel I can continue to be in a relationship with you. Neglecting me and going after Pixi was just unacceptable." He said, "(chew chew slurp) Yeah, I guess what I did put a dent in our relationship (slurp chew)."

Ya think? A dent? How about a total crash and burn?

And he can't even put his orange down.

So I said, "So yeah, it's over. I'm done. OK bye." And hung up, not needing to hear anything in return.

So, that's it. 9 months of a friendship, and he fucks it up. Bitch. What makes it easier to let go is, the sex wasn't even all that great once his NRE wore off. So, no big loss there. I did enjoy talking to him and cuddling and watching movies. Learning about Mexico and Latino stuff. That loss has made me cry a couple times in the past week. But I'm getting used to it.

Pixi is over her first rush of grief about the dog. She's becoming more active around the house, decluttering, cooking. And sex! She's been so sexual the past week. In fact, the last sex we had, she had more orgasms than she's ever had in one session ever. It was wild! So exciting. She came to bed real late. I was in a light sleep phase and she started humping me from behind and it just escalated. She made so much noise she woke our neighborhood coyote. Hopefully no other neighbors were too disturbed lol.

We are tying up loose ends around the house so we can go visit her family (and visit friends and sightsee) in upstate NY very soon. We should be able to leave on Saturday, I think. I want to watch the royal wedding first thing in the morning. Then hit the road. She hasn't seen her parents, brother, or her niece and her brother's ex gf/partner in 2 years. Her bro is a ne'er do well, and was arrested for child endangerment and is trying to clean up his act so the court will eventually award him a good custody arrangement. He's 36... hopefully he's getting a clue. Though some men never grow up (*cough* Kahlo *cough*). Pixi has a love/hate thing with her brother and parents so I will go and be supportive. We will get a room in a funky vintage motel. I'll spend some time seeing her family. I like her niece (11 years old) and SIL. I like her friends. Sometimes I'll let her have family time on her own and I will rest, or sightsee, or go antiquing on my own. We also always enjoy doing a wine tasting tour, and drinking local beers in pubs, and various restaurants. It's so beautiful there in the Fingerlakes. I am excited to go.

Seeing her family is something Pixi needs to do. She always wishes she could help more... they are so weird and their lives are so alien to us.

It'll be a nice bonding time for me with Pixi before she leaves for camp. I will miss her a lot this summer day to day, but I will be able to visit her at camp.

Oh yeah, that guy I had one pleasant date with? He admitted he really doesn't have time for me. He is polysaturated, as I suspected. I am glad he admitted it to himself and me. He's also job hunting and experiencing ageism and it's got him down.

He wants to stay friends and continue to meet and talk. I am glad. I told him I'd get in touch in a few weeks. I told him I was just about to break up with Kahlo and needed time to adjust.

Finally. Last night my daughter, the kooky Christian one with all the mental problems, gave birth to her 3rd daughter. 3 kids in 3 years. Her other 2 girls are 3 and 2 years old. So far all I know is baby's name and weight. Also, the other 2 were both born 3 weeks early, but this baby went term. So, that will make things easier. My daughter's husband posted the news on FB. It was all "By the grace and mercy of God we have victory... grace... glory... Baby is 7'11"... and God will create a nation with me and all who believe in him, and to all who deserve and desire his grace, thank you for your prayers, yada yada blah de blah."

Oh they just posted a pic. She's cute. The oldest looks just like me as a baby/toddler. The 2 year old looks more like her father's side. I wonder who this one will take after.
 
I'm sorry things didn't work out for you with Kahlo or the new guy.

I'm not sure from how you've worded that part of your post; is it appropriate to say congratulations about your daughter's new baby?
 
I'm sorry things didn't work out for you with Kahlo or the new guy.

I'm not sure from how you've worded that part of your post; is it appropriate to say congratulations about your daughter's new baby?

Yeah KC, I can see why you wonder that! I've not seen much of my daughter and her kids in the past couple years. What with my cancer and my bad back, it was impossible to drive to her place. And she's so protective of her kids, and so fucking fundamentalist Christian... the god stuff has filled her soul where the drugs used to. Her husband is so preachy. So all around it's just not possible to be close.

I guess I am just thankful the pregnancy went full term, the baby and mom did fine during labor and are fine now. She's happy. She's got her kids and her husband and her church family. Hopefully this summer I will feel up to visiting her. It takes physical and moral strength to do so. Having a mentally ill child sucks, no matter if she's young or now adult.

I am just grateful I am close with my son, and also have MY own chosen family.
 
Pixi and I got back from vacation Wednesday night. (It's now Friday.) We had a wonderful time. So good to get away.

The family stuff with her weird family was tiresome and annoying as usual. I won't go into detail, but her father and brother are very patriarchal and her poor mother is basically a beleaguered house slave. Just so alien to how I live my life. Pixi felt useful just supporting her mother, and helping her brother and niece with tech stuff, phone and computer stuff. We hadn't seen them since 2015.

Otherwise we saw her friends, old buddies. That was the good part! Two guys in particular are so much like Pixi, in mannerisms, in philosophy and interests and temperament, I can't help but love them and feel so comfortable around them. Just great guys. One is single, one is married with 2 cute young kids. They are both painters and both ended up gifting us with one of their paintings! The single guy's painting is especially wonderful, a smallish oil painting, in a sort of van Gogh style, thick paint put on canvas with a palette knife. A landscape. Gosh it's pretty. I have to hang it up this summer. The other painting is more of a sketch, but cute. I feel so honored with these gifts.

We did a wine tasting at a winery. And tasted hard liquors at a distillery on another day. Great time at both. The worker persons who poured for us were so friendly and informative. At the winery, we bought some bottles, and drank one of them right away on the grounds of the winery, where they had some picnic tables. It was gorgeous, on the slopes leading down to Seneca Lake, terraced grape vines, perfect weather, so romantic. Baguette, cheeses, cherries, pistachios, olives and an exquisite Chardonnay.

Also that day we drove to the north end of the lake, to Seneca Falls, where there is wonderful (and free! it's actually a state park, with grounds) museum of Women's Rights. The first convention to declare women's rights in 1848 was in a building next door to the museum. It was very inspiring and educational and uplifting. The movement was first headed by Elisabeth Cady Stanton. 300 people attended the first convention, including Frederick Douglass.

We were aware of the irony of how Pixi's family views female rights (like, we don't have any) as opposed to the idea of women's liberation concepts!

We also had lots of nice restaurant meals. We ate breakfast for lunch 3 times at my favorite diner in Watkins Glen. We had beers at a pub with its own brewery, in Watkins one evening after a tiring visit with Pixi's parents. Nice relief. We also took Pixi's mom out for Thai food dinner at a new restaurant in town one night. Her first time having Thai.

One day we even had a tour of a newish campground that offers "glamping." The lady at the distillery told us about it as we were chatting. They have 4 safari tents and two tipis set up, with wooden floors to the tents, and battery run lanterns that can charge devices, and little private wooden decks, and wifi. Lot of land with hiking trails, a shared fire pit and gas grill, breakfast in the "lounge" tent too. Maybe we will stay at that place that one time!

We also had lunch twice at a restaurant in Corning called Donna's. She is a Pyrex collector and has her collection displayed on shelves all over her restaurant. We love her food and especially her pies! She serves on vintage Pyrex dinnerware, banded in pink. When we went it was near closing at the end of lunchtime both times, and not busy, and Donna sat and chatted with us for a while each time. She made us feel like friends. So fun. We talked Pyrex and cats and about local happenings in the area.

Unfortunately, I had some health problems. With my bad back these days, I wondered how I would hold up. Well, the first thing that happened was, the long drive (6 hours) made my feet and ankles swell. This happens sometimes. But in our first few days there we were driving all over sightseeing and visiting, like probably 75 miles a day, and the swelling didn't resolve. And it was quite hot there. Mid 80s. So I finally decided to stay at the hotel with my feet up for a day. Unfortunately, lying in bed with my feet on a ton of pillows was bad for my stupid back! After the foot swelling went down, we set out for the day, and I soon realised I'd herniated a disc. Extremely painful! Ugh.

So I ended up not being able to do anything the last few days of our stay except go out once a day to eat and maybe see one waterfall that didn't entail any hiking to get to. It really hurt to walk. So I did get to go to a few more restaurants, and one picnic, and view 3 more waterfalls. The Fingerlakes have so many gorgeous waterfalls. Otherwise I stayed in bed and took pain meds, and read a lot. It was actually not too bad. As long as I stayed still I wasn't in pain. I had a really great book to read (Lolita by Nabakov). I watched some TV. Pixi went out and about visiting more friends, and hiking, etc. She kept in good touch, and brought me food. I drank some of the rye (with Coke) I'd bought at the distillery, which was delicious, and helped with the pain.

Also, we'd gone antiquing early on, and I had a nice haul of Pyrex and a Fisher Price Main Street, with accessories, almost complete, and a few other pretty things. I set them up on the dresser opposite the bed, so that was pleasant to look at.

Before set out on our way home, we stopped at farm stand for some fresh rhubarb (I love to bake strawberry rhubarb pie, it's our favorite), and stopped in at Pixi's folks' one more time. The trip home was fine. My back was very bad for three days, but now it's slowly improving. I rested a lot yesterday, and will try to get in to my chiro today.

In poly news, just before I went away, I messaged a very cute nice seeming guy who is a 98% match with me, on ok cupid. He is in his late 40s. I hope we click. He responded favorably before I left, and I wrote to him this morning to tell him I'm back. He's single, hasn't dated since his last relationship. I guess he's poly friendly but I don't get the impression he's out there trying to bang everyone in sight. So, here we go again... I'm gonna take it easy at first of course, seeing as my back isn't ready to date yet haha
 
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My stupid back. It seemed to be improving. But it really isn't, much. I'll have a better day and then another bad day. And I've been feeling quite lightheaded on and off. The first few days of that, the room would actually spin. Then it changed to being less intense. Still concerning. I guess it's a common symptom with a herniated disc, although I've herniated before and not had it. I will ask my chiro tomorrow to send me for a MRI.

I need to get in to the Spine Center in Boston at Beth Israel Hospital. I dread the drive in. I dread insurance hassles. I am afraid my insurance will make me try physical therapy again before allowing more expensive treatment like an epidural or facet injections or some kind of surgery. I've tried PA twice already. There is only one place within a half hour of me that takes my insurance. I've gone there twice, and both times the treatment was far too aggressive and only made me worse.

So, getting old sucks. I feel so isolated because of the pain. Since I've been home from NY I have only been out of the house 3 times, 2 chiro appointments and one time walking around at Savers for 30 minutes. Which hurt.

In better news, the guy I had the one date with messaged me. He found out he qualified to get enough Social Security to semi-retire. He has 2 life partners who are younger than him, and between the 3 of them, their budget is OK. He can do a little part time work and they can get by. So, I am happy for him. He wants to have lunch soon. I told him I will when I am able.

And that guy I mentioned from OKC? We've had several hours long conversations by text. :) He's really nice to talk to. He's doing jury duty right now. He got chosen for jury and it's a tough case. He can't talk about it but he's hinted it's a bad crime with a victim, perhaps murder. So I am glad talking to me is something easier and more fun for him right now. He "most definitely" wants to get together once the verdict comes down in the coming week.

I haven't told him about my health issues yet. He is 3 years out of his second marriage. Took time to be single. Moved from another state after his divorce, back home to live with his widowed father, take care of him, do home maintenance and improvements for him.

He's new to the concept of poly. He said he was always trying to be "normal," getting married twice. He said OKC keeps matching him up with younger women who want a husband, house, picket fence and kids. He's 49. He doesn't have kids. He's done trying to be married. He's glad I found him and messaged him, as I seem to be more what he is looking for now, in life.

Did I mention he is super cute? Dear lord. A silver fox, I guess you'd say. With this charming crooked grin. Well groomed, gainfully employed. Not a man child like Kahlo, as far as I can tell so far. A grownup.

Pixi went to her Master's for the weekend. She got in a bunch of groceries for me, weeded the front bushes some, did all the dishes, before she left yesterday evening. She'll be back on Sunday afternoon, I guess.
 
Happily I felt well enough yesterday to go browsing at Savers again, which is good for my psychologically, to be amongst people and pretty vintag things. Pixi has been checking in with me every few hours by text, very concerned and sweet. I love her so much.

Today I managed to change the sheets on my bed! And I am going to go get groceries for the first time since my crisis. Maybe this week I will be able to do lunch date with that one guy, the polysaturated one. Maybe I'll call him Polyfriend.

And if all goes well, I have a date with new guy to look forward to as well. I hope we have chemistry when we meet. Talking flows very well in text. We haven't been flirting yet... I've put out a couple feelers but he is cautious. His last marriage broke up because his wife cheated on him with his best friend. He now calls that guy a narcissist. Having had run-ins with narcs myself, I know how damaging that can be, how cautious and nervous it can make you feel with new partners.
 
I had the first date with new guy last night. Let's call him Silver Fox, or Fox. He was just as good looking as his profile pix, and had a nice body. I guess you'd call it a nice dad bod, kind of broad but not fat. He's got blue eyes, the silver hair, a silver goatee.

He does have a lot of the same interests as me. But his personality is intense, fast talker, very smart. One of those people you kind of have to interrupt to get a word in. But some people talk a lot on a first date out of nervousness. I believe i'm the first date he's had in 3 years, since he took time off after his divorce, from trying to date. He sounds like he's had a bit of a midlife crisis, but he's done some therapy, and is on Zoloft.

We didn't get together right after his jury duty, since he'd forgotten he had promised to go back to the city where he lived with his ex, to help plan and put on a surprise birthday party for a friend. Then he had some work to do on the kitchen in his dad's house, where he lives. He seems to be one of those people who is constantly busy. That is fine. He's energetic.

So I'd say there was a lot of mental connection. And I do find him very attractive. We didn't overtly flirt. But we sat in the restaurant eating and then talking over cofee from 6:30-10pm. I finally said, so this was fun. And he got the hint and walked me to my car.

He said, Do this again? I said, sure. And he took me in his arms and gave me a nice first date kiss, not too dry, not overly aggressive, just soft open mouth no tongue. lol It felt good.

Pixi got off to camp yesterday too. She'll be gone 3 weeks for this first session. I can go visit her though. And she might be able to come home for an overnight a time or two. It's only 2 hours away from home. It was a whirlwind getting her off. She had to get certain supplies, pack her car full, get bills paid and as much in order for me as she could, for my time alone.

My back has improved. I still get a little dizzy when I go from upright to lying down. I haven't had another MRI but I guess I herniated a disc in my neck as well as lower back. Icing helps a lot.

This coming week I hope to finally have lunch with Polyfriend. And have my son come to visit. He hasn't been here since Easter. He can help me with some yard work.

Today, after the Pixi whirlwind and first date with Fox, I will rest up!
 
More dating developments.

So besides Fox, I have been talking on and off with this Fetlife guy. He messaged me maybe 6 weeks ago? Before my vacation in mid May. We had some nice talks on Fet, he seemed cool, we had things in common. Kink, vintage and the like. He's gainfully employed. Lives close enough. He looked pretty cute.

But then things got a tad bit weird. He gave me his number after a few chats and asked me to text him. So after a few days I did. He didn't answer. Then I went on vacation.

So finally once my back felt better and Pixi was off to camp and I had time to myself, I texted him, just the other day. Still no answer. So I went to Fet and messaged him there. He wrote right back. He was glad to hear from me, thought I'd lost interest. Turns out he'd given me his number wrong, and didn't realize? But he never messaged me on Fet again to find out why he hadn't gotten any texts. So he gave me his actual number and we texted a few minutes and he asked me if I had free time on the weekend (the weekend just past). We settled on lunch Sunday (yesterday), in my town.

So 2 first dates in one week for me, or so I though! I texted him in the morning yesterday around 10 to confirm. No answer. I texted him at 11:30 (lunch was scheduled for 12:30). No answer!! He ghosted! What the bloody heck?? Argh. No messages on Fet either. No idea what happened. He'd asked me out right away as soon as we'd gotten the phone numbers straightened out! And then ghosted. Fucking weird.

Well. Meanwhile I had other things on my social calendar. My back and neck are feeling normal, for me. So I am getting out and about... I decided I was ready to see Polyfriend again, as friends. Today we had lunch. He came to my town and we went to a local pub. It was so nice. He's average looking but pleasant enough. Taller than me. Kinda on the large side, a bear. A blonde bear. He is kind. He is sweet, bright, interesting and interested, etc etc. Really I like him so much. But he has great friend potential so I put aside my attraction.

So we had a nice lunch. I invited him to come back to my place afterwards, to see my house and collections and stuff. He said sure. He followed me home. I showed him around, he appreciated.

Then we stood in the kitchen and chatted a few minutes. He had to get back to his part time job. And what do you know, he told me he was interested in a physical relationship after all! We barely had time to discuss it, but I was pretty pleased. Even if we can't get together super often, given his 2 gfs and 2 teen kids and part time job... it looks like he is very attracted to me! haha!

I told him I thought that was cool, and we need to talk about it more. And he left all smiley and excited seeming. He told me his community has group breakfasts every Sunday at 9, and group brunches every other Saturday at 11, and he wants me to come to one as soon as I can. I've been very curious about this intentional community of his.
 
More about Polyfriend in a minute, but in other developments: I joined the gym in my town a week ago, last Saturday. Man, I should've done this ages ago.

I knew I needed more exercise. My spine is a mess and one thing it really needs is more support from my core. I got so sedentary when I was feeling like shit from the chemo. So from November 2016 until very recently, I was weak and achy from chemo, and once I was able to actually move, having all the pain in the back and neck and head...

Then the recent herniations got me desperate to make some changes in my health.

I considered going to the UMass Spine Center in Boston. My gp had recommended it. Of course, she also recommended a neurologist for the headaches caused by the nerve damage in my neck, which led to the Lyrica fiasco!

Also, I bet my insurance would balk at me getting an epidural or facet injections at the spine center, and make me do physical therapy first. But I've tried PT twice already and it was horrible. The therapist just overworked me, wouldn't let me listen to my body. And there is only one PT place within a half hour of me that takes my insurance.

So. Years ago, I used to swim and do water aerobics. I LOVE to swim. I was terrified to join the local gym now though, afraid I'd hurt myself. But recently I was thinking about lake swimming like I do at the lake near my son's house in the summers. And I found out this year the lake is closed til July 20th due to overgrowth of weeds in the water. And I was SO disappointed.

So I thought, my body is telling me I need to swim. So I decided to go for it and join the gym. Despite feeling weak and achy and afraid of more pain, or of like, falling down in the locker room or something.

And I've been swimming 3 times! And it's GREAT. I do feel achy in the water sometimes, either my lower back or neck, but I've been experimenting with different swimming strokes, using a noodle, or just walking in the water where it's more shallow, or doing some aerobics moves I remember from earlier in the 2000s.

I went for my 3rd swim yesterday. I am already feeling a difference in my body. :) Not in my spine per se, but my hips feel looser and more flexible. Being bouyant in the water is amazing, and so relaxing and mood lifting!

The gym has an indoor and outdoor pool, and a whirlpool next to the indoor pool. I went to the indoor pool first, and hot tub. The next time it was sunny out so I went to the outdoor pool. It was very large, lots of room for families and kids. Deep end for diving. And 2 laps reserved for lap swimming. So I did that while enjoying the blue sky and sunshine, and the happy children having fun on the other side of the pool. There are a ton of chaise lounges too, so I could even go and lie there and get some sun and read and relax all summer. The third time I went to the gym, we had a rainy day, so I went to the indoor pool.

Showering and changing in the locker room is always awkward. But I take my time and manage.

Meanwhile my son has been here a few days and we've done so much gardening. The flowerbeds have been neglected for 2 years. I was able to do some clearing of sumac and raspberries. He's done most of the actual work, although he needs my supervision. We cleared tons of weeds, small sumac trees, 3 kinds of vines, and wild raspberries that were invading the flower beds I have along the back of the yard. There's an old stone wall there, very New Englandy, but wild plants were coming over from the woods to choke out my daylilies and hostas and vinca. So we did all that, plus my son spread fertilizer on 3/4 of the lawn. (My friend T had done the front yard a few weeks ago.) The next day he took Pixi's new power pruner and shaped all the bushes in the front of the house. That was more easy and fun for him haha. Then he also weeded the front flower beds and under the bushes, and spread mulch. It looks fantastic!

I took him to Savers and bought him clothes as "payment" for all his hard work. Calvin Klein jeans, Lee jeans, Gap cargo shorts... all like $8 each. 2 T-shirts at $5 each. He's been on a health kick lately, eating less and riding bike. He was overweight for years, but he's lost 50-60 lbs in the past year! So he was super pumped to get new smaller clothes.

He prefers to visit when Pixi is here as they are such good friends. But this time I get him all to myself, and he has been terrific helping me. Last night we had a friend of ours over for dinner and a movie, and my son did most of the cooking!
 
I hadn't heard from Polyfriend so I texted him yesterday morning. He was about to go to work, and said he'd been giving me space since he knew my son was here til Saturday.

But I told him he'd kind of blindsided me with his declaration of wanting to have an actual physical relationship as well as friendship, just before he had to run back to work after our lunch and short visit at my house. He said, sorry he didnt mean to blindside me. It was "impulsive." When could he call me?

I said phone calls might be harder, but a few lines of text explaining his change of heart until we could talk would ease my mind. Was it _just_ an impulse then?

He said he heard my distress. No, not just an impulse. "You impressed me and I felt an attraction. I continue to feel it. I can talk more soon."

So I said, OK, thanks, Polyfriend.

Once my son leaves I hope to get this discussed more. But I am kind of excited about it. Especially since the date with the interesting but kind of bitter, sort of off-putting (but good kisser) Fox, and then being ghosted on by the other guy so weirdly.

Meanwhile, Pixi has been doing very well in her new position at camp. She is able to text more, since it's more of a desk job. She still gets outside with the kids, but does computer work too. She still hasnt figured out when she can come home for a day, or arrange for me to go visit. I had hopes I could go there for July 4th. So, fingers crossed to see her soon one way or another!
 
Polyfriend had told me he needed to run by his partners about his change of heart around seeing me, as a FWB. He had told me after our first date he thought he didnt have enough time to give me what I deserved. I am not sure how "all in" he thought I'd expected him to be. I'd said something to him on our supposed "just friends" lunch date about how maybe Fox would be ok FWB material. That must have gotten him thinking about being FWBs with me himself.

So. I already knew from our first date that his live in gf didn't care if he got another partner. Already, they only have sex 0-2 times a month.

It was the other gf that was more resistant. And so, he spent last weekend with her and told her that, yes, after all, he wanted to be with me as FWBs.

He is sex-starved and she knows it. He only sees her every other weekend. When they probably do have marathon sex. But he has told me he wants sex after just 2-3 days. He is not fulfilled with every other weekend sex. At all.

So on Monday he quickly messaged me to tell me things still weren't resolved. But he'd get back to me by Wedesday.

Yesterday was Wednesday. And he said while she told him go ahead, she was very upset by it. "Reluctant and distressed." So he can't, in good conscience, actually be with me.

I was prepared for this answer. I realized checking back, he first contacted me 10 weeks ago. I knew if we hadn't already started seeing each other by now, one more weekend of discussing it with his gf probably wasn't going to change anything.

Still, I'm angry. Why does he have this FL account with his personality and kink interests all spelled out? Why did he ask me out in the first place, and compliment me, when he hadn't even gotten the gf's consent ahead of time? Maybe he thought it was OK to have a first date with me despite her initial reluctance, that she'd get over it.

But in a way, despite his age of 63, despite me telling him how Kahlo hurt me by pursuing Pixi, thinking with his dick, and him commisterating... "Oh that's terrible. Oh that's so not woke of him yada yada..." he goes on to practically cheating on his gf to get to date me.

Argh! Why are people who purport to be polyamorous so FUCKING bad at it?

I responded to his message. I showed some of my anger. I tried to not heap it all on him though. In a way, he is so sweet and kind seeming. Gracious, polite, sensitive. But he did get his gf all in a fuss since he does have poor boundaries and shaky ethics.

Oh well, I had 2 enjoyable days of NRE after our lunch date. sigh... just needing to vent and get this off my chest. Makes for a depressing day.

Adding to my unease, Pixi came home for about 30 hours from camp. We'd discussed my visiting her there but she caught a cold, was exhausted, and it's over 90 out. I didn't feel like facing the un-air-conditioned cabins and woods at camp. And she wanted a break from the heat too.

So, she came home, slept a lot, ate food, took cold meds, spent a couple hours at her bf's. Felt a bit better after her rest and cuddles and talks with both of us. Couldn't give me much in the way of sex. :( Understandably. One little orgasm for me.

We watched the Boston fireworks on TV last night on our big screen projector TV. That was nice.

She left this morning at 6:30am and I'm on my own again. Kinda threw me off, her being here briefly and then gone again. And Polyfriend letting me down.

I'm back to hunting and chatting men on OKC. It's so weird over there. But I found a few had messaged me by looking at this section called Double Take. Nothing real exciting so far.

No word from Fox. Which is good. He might've been a 99% match, but he was off-putting and didn't let me talk.
 
Let's see, where were we?

Polyfriend replied to my upset messages by agreeing he'd done it all wrong. And he put a note at the beginning of his FL wall: "Profile recently reluctantly reduced to reflect reality. I am not seeking any further relationships at this time." So there.

I finally found all my old messages by looking at Double Take on OKC. Why was this so hard to figure out? You now have to "like" a person before you can respond to their message, even just to say, "Thanks for the compliments but I don't think we are suited."

Turns out I had at least 50 messages stacked up going back at least 4 months. I may have more. They seem never ending. So I ended up spending the last few days reading them all, and chatting with a half dozen guys.

One was hot to trot. A black guy, 40ish, long dreads (my weakness), extremely fit, big muscles. Alternative, real smart, etc etc. But as we talked I realized he was one week out from a breakup of a relationship of 7 year's duration. Gah. And when I questioned him about how it ended, long slow spiral (so maybe he's doing OK), or was he blindsided (freaked out), or did he break up with her? Trying to see what kind of frame of mind he was in, I said, I don't mean to pry. He said, "I feel like I am being interrogated." I said, "I'm just trying to get to know you." He said, "Fair enough..." But I am 99% sure he just wanted a quick almost anonymous bang to get his mind off his breakup. I can't be someone's rebound sex. Blah!

Another guy lives kinda far, in NH, also black, he's sweet and a good listener. Fun. An aspiring shoe designer. Single. And kinky. He's only 38. He seems pretty cool. He went hiking in the NH White Mountains over the weekend. He asked me if I hike. I said, well, I used to hike the White Mountains when I was your age! lol

Another guy is even younger, also black (! what is going on?), a nursing assistant and has aspirations to be a firefighter. He's going to school for that and applying for jobs. We've had some good laughs. He seems puppy dog perky. He has a boat, loves to take food and drinks and ride around. He wants me to teach him how to bake. He's a good cook but needs baking tips. Single. And he likes to give massages. However, he started fantasizing about what kind of sex date he'd like (naked baking), so I slowed him down and said, could we have drinks or dinner first? And he said, yes yes yes! And I said, OK when? And then he just said he'd let me know. Hmm... He's only free weekends since all week it's work, school, gym, sleep. (He's very buff... if those pix ARE really him...)

And then there's a white guy who is into vintage... chat is going more slowly with him. Not sure about any sexual chemistry or (hopefully kinky) interests as yet. He said he is interested in something "not serious" right now. He had tried a non mono r'ship earlier this year, but there was "jealousy on both sides." I told him I was cautious about men who don't really know how to do poly, and he asked me for examples. He still seems interested in a date, but hasn't actually asked me yet.

And there's another white guy who seems nice and is open to non monogamy, but he hasn't gotten back to me since last Thursday. He recently moved here from Philadelphia. He's very good looking. Nice strong jaw.

I'm still also finding men who "liked" me but didn't message me. I go to double take and read their profile. If I "like" them, OKC tells me whether they like me or not. So I have a few of those happening too.

It's hard to be patient, but I want to be very careful this time, very picky.

My weekend was quiet. I had my platonic friend K over for dinner and a movie on Saturday night. I'd just seen her a week before, so she didn't have a month's worth of venting to do, which made her calmer and even led to her asking me questions about my life. Sometimes she just goes on about her life too much. She is a transgender activist, and in demand as a public speaker, very passionate, very interesting. So I don't mind hearing about her life. I support her work a lot. But this time she was more chill and we talked of many other things. Then we watched the 1956 movie Forbidden Planet. OMG what a cool movie. So kitsch. So mid-century Space Age. Such eye candy. So influential on Star Trek and Star Wars. Plus Robbie the Robot!

I didn't swim over the weekend but I walked both days since it has gotten less humid. I walked in the evening around sunset when it gets below 90. Tonight I am going to take the plunge and move from solo swimming at the gym to a water fitness class and see how it goes. My club offers many different classes for varying fitness and health levels. I'm starting with the 3rd from the bottom level, since I am not a complete beginner to the water! It's called Aqua Fit. If it's too easy, I can level up to Aqua Zumba, which is set to music and sounds so fun.
 
The swim class went very well. Only one move out of many hurt my neck so I just modified it. The instructor was good and aware of my issues and supportive. I'm going to go to another class tomorrow, but today I'll go for a quick swim as well on my own.

Pixi came home yesterday at 11am for a quick visit. She left at 7:30 this morning. We had a good connection though. Real sex, a shower together, cooked dinner together, listened to music, watched half a movie. Talked a lot. She also fit in a 3 hour nap. lol She'll be home for 4 whole days on Sunday! Really looking forward to that.

I've got a date set up for tomorrow with the "vintage lover" I mentioned upthread. He's a ginger white guy. He seems very cool and is kinky (I asked). And it seems our kinks line up. We've been texting. He lives 45 minutes away but doesn't think that's a bad drive. Seems he's willing to come here for dates. He still lives with his ex until September but they are definitely broken up, yet amicable. He owns the house so she'll move out. We've exchanged some pix of some of our collections. We are going to get lunch and then go to Savers, and I might just invite him back here afterwards... If I like him in person.

None of the other guys have come right out and asked me out yet. One newer one I didn't mention upthread told me in his first message he'd like to take me out for a drink. We've been chatting and he seems cool, and he lives even closer than the vintage lover. This guy is white guy w dark hair and a beard, plays punk music, is spiritual and into psychedelics a bit. Also film. He's very cute too. He's been poly like 3 years I think. Sounds like he has at least one other partner but is outgoing and likes to meet new people.
 
Oops, double post
 
Well, my date with VintageLover went so well. Well well well. What a pleasure. He was on the shy side, maybe a bit socially awkward. But he became chatty enough. Very open, just sincere seeming and non-pretentious. And I'd rather shyness and a quiet guy than Mr Talks Too Much who never asks a question. Plus he's so cute! just so fair and fresh looking, younger looking than his 37 years. Not that I fetishize youth, it's just a description.

We had some nice sushi and I learned more about his background, his work, his house, his situation with his ex (she's got a job lined up in another state that starts in September). We talked about antiquing and really clicked on that topic. He was just so fucking sweet and nice. He's got one other woman he's seeing but possibly not that serious about since she's a single mother and he doesn't want to be a stepdad.

So we had fun after lunch wandering around Savers. He didn't get anything although he considered a set of Depression glass plates. He was so happy for me when I found a great piece of Pyrex for $4, as well as a few other little things. Sometime during shopping I decided yeah, I really did want to invite him back to my place. Partly I was thinking it would just be fun to show off my collections, partly I was thinking, this cute boy sure would be fun to play with.

I haven't been with a man in 3 MONTHS!!!

And I've barely been sexual with Pixi in the last 5 weeks or so, what with her getting ready for camp, going to camp, only being home 2 days from camp, and having a cold and being worn out when she was home! So knowing me and my libido, it's been rather torturous.

So, VLover followed me home, and I gave a tour. We I walked all around my house. He appreciated my own paintings as well as the collections.

Earlier, I'd experimented with touch at Savers... we had a laugh about something and I'd given his wrist a squeeze.

So after I showed him one of my paintings, he saw the large painting Pixi and I had bought from an extremely talented young friend of ours. I commented on how in awe of this artist's talent I am... that I just can't paint that well. VLover kind of stroked my arm down to my hip and scoffed and said my style was nice too, he liked it a lot, and told me he liked my "wash" technique.

Then we we went downstairs where more of my paintings are, and most of my Pyrex. We spent more time looking and discussing. I'd also been asking him about what he collects and how he does selling on eBay. (That's just a side business for him but rather profitable; he has a regular job as well.)

So we'd talked about cannabis a bit, and its medicinal properties, and he said it helped his anxiety. I figured he was a bit anxious at this point lol, here at this older lady's house all alone. Wondering if he should make a move... So I invited him to smoke and we both just had one hit. I never need more than that, and he didn't either.

We sat on the family room couch downstairs where we were, and where my weed was. After a bit more chat, he kinda leaned back and said, so, how are you? And he reached over and stroked my arm. I said, great, and how are you? And it was like a romantic movie then. He slowly leaned towards me and ever so slowly brought his face to mine and we kissed. Then kissed more deeply. Then you know, started making out and caressing and all that good stuff. He made great eye contact. Gosh he just seems so sincere and open.

When things got pretty hot, we went upstairs to my bed and got naked and played! We didn't have PIV or oral because I need to get tested! His status is up to date and fine. I hope mine is. It should be. I've called my gyn but they didn't quite give me an appointment. Usually I go to my cool LGBTQ clinic in Boston for testing, but I don't feel like driving all that way just for a test.

Anyway, it was really exciting and fun, just kissing and using hands. He made sure I had lots of Os. And he spanked me! He's very attractive naked, nice smooth skin, big arm muscles with freckles, well equipped down below, and intact! Hallelujah. Taller than me, which is a fun change.

After we'd had lots of fun, and he finished, we cuddled a bit and talked, but I needed to get ready for my pool exercise class. I sure needed a shower first! So he got dressed and kept kissing me and feeling me up while dressing and in the kitchen near the door. I could see he would have stayed for another go. But it's nice to make them leave wanting more!

I couldn't stop smiling at the gym. We've been texting today. He said he had enjoyed hanging out and we should get together again soon. We talked some about sexy fun things we will do once I am tested. We are being so good! haha
 
Had my second date with VintageLover today. He'd asked if I wanted to go to Savers again, and I said sure. Pixi is home from camp for a few days, but she was going to her bf's around 2. Her bf probably wouldn't be home from work til 430 but she had work for camp to do on her laptop until he got home. And she wanted to give me privacy with new hot guy.

So VintageLover got here at 1:30. Pixi was in the shower so they didn't meet. We went to Savers shortly after his arrival in his car. He found 2 items and so did I. After we'd walked around a while, I asked something about how often he sees this other woman he's dating, how close by did she live to him? He said, about a half an hour. And then he mumbled something about how she's not too happy he's also dating others.

He had told me on our first date he'd had 2 1st dates with other women recently but there wasn't chemistry.

So, my ears perked up that this other woman wasn't happy with him dating... He said he'd told me that before we met.

I didn't fully understand. I'd thought he wasn't super committed to her because she has a kid and isn't looking to move in with her and be a stepdad. He's only just broken up with his recent LTR! She hasn't even moved out yet.

But apparently this single mom wants him to commit to like, going steady, one and only stuff already. So she's upset... He said he's told her about me and she isn't happy.

So we paid for our items and drove back to my place and had a serious talk.

I just feel that, as an ethical non-monogamist, I can't continue to see him if this other woman is giving him a hard time, and is angry, or sad, or very jealous, because he's not ready to go steady yet (if ever). I explained to him that, just as important as our physical health (STD screens and condoms and all that), is everyone's mental health. I feel too bad for the other woman. And I explained all about being a good hinge, and told him about morethantwo.com. Also talked about the difference between "dating," and actual ethical non-monogamy/polyamory.

I guess he's done quite a bit of dating in his life, but had never really thought about the ethics. I guess he thinks if the other gf is just unhappy with him dating around, she should walk. It's up to her. But meanwhile he was content(?) to keep seeing her, even if she's upset? However, if I'm the first person he's really clicked with, maybe she's more threatened than ever, and the issue is more apparent.

We talked about compersion and jealousy and envy and cheating and honesty and the degrees of affection and stages of elevator possible in a poly relationship, etc. He thanked me for giving him information and lots to think about.

I said I thought we had so much in common and I was looking forward to shopping, and day trips, and eating food along the way, and cooking and just hanging out. And I mentioned I like having a man around the house to lift heavy things once in a while.

Then he asked, what about sex? Could we do sex in this situation? God, this was hard and felt like a sacrifice. Of course I WANT to have sex with him. Boy, do I. He's very attractive, hot in a bit of a "nerd with muscles" sort of way. But I almost teared up thinking of his other gf, a single mom, who I am sure works hard at a full time job, lives alone with her 7 year old, is lonely and horny... now she has this hottie and doesn't want to share.

I can't keep seeing him if she's unhappy. It has to be a joyous yes, or he has to break up with her, or her with him. Til then, I needed to step away. Wah!!! Dammit dammit dammit.

I told him, you're 37, not 27, or 17. You need to figure out how to proceed and not cause hurt to others. He agreed.

We hugged and bid adieu. Hopefully au revoir. Sigh sigh sigh
 
Meanwhile I am still talking to at least 2 other men I haven't met yet. And I've had spats with a couple of real assholes who got all mean to me when I questioned their politics and relationship goals.

Of the 2 nicer men, one is 31 and is single and I think rather pagan, gainfully employed, sensitive, handsome, a nature lover. He seems to be ethical from what he's said. He seems to "get me." I hope. We will see. He has asked me out, and we are meeting in my town for dinner on Saturday.

The other one is in his 40s, has a fiancee and a gf. He is getting married in a month. His gf is a Dom to her female sub. He seems really cool and interesting and is easy to talk with. I am not sure if he wants to get together before his wedding or not. haha
 
Well, in a shocking and swift turnaround, VintageLover texted me about 9:30 last night to end things with me. God, I was so sad I actually cried on and off all night. :( I had no idea I'd even been that into him! But I was! After only 2 dates, I felt a real connection. And here I'd had 2 dates with Polyfriend, and a date with Mr Talks Too Much, and thought the thing with VintageLover was "third time is the charm." We had so much potential. I'm SO bummed.

He wrote, "Our discussion today prompted one of our own [the 2nd "our" meaning him and that other woman, the single mom]. I was faced with an ultimatum of sorts and have decided to give a monogamous relationship a chance, or lose the chance. I'm sorry that things didn't work out in our favor. You really are a special person and I wish you well in your search, Mags."

Coulda knocked me over with a feather. I thought he was against going steady and getting tied back down to monogamy so soon after splitting with his ex (who hasn't even moved out yet!).

I spent a very very sad night. And Pixi wasn't even here to give me a shoulder to cry on.

I just keep picturing his kind eyes, his quiet gentle voice, his hot body sitting next to me on the couch, or walking down the aisle with me at the thrift store. Happily looking at items together, explaining their origins to each other. I wanted more of that, I wanted to visit his area and go to his flea markets with him, or road trip to new ones, I wanted more sex, kink, actual fucking, sharing music, learn about his family and childhood, more meals together, more happy comfortable conversations, cuddles, etc. etc.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've got a lunch date set up for Saturday with the 31 year old. He doesn't have any other gfs, he's not looking to settle down, house, white picket fence and kids, and he's already told me he'd like me just as much if i was 72 as 62.

The engaged guy has been messaging me every day too. We exchanged phone numbers last night. I asked him if he wanted to wait to meet until after his wedding. He said no, sooner. Asked me my availability. He is a secondary to his non-fiancee gf. She has a female primary.

Dating is hard. Trying for resilience, just like a rubber ball.
 
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