Out of the ashes

Mist and I got into our first semi room mate argument. Nothing serious, but our first hissy fit. It was more comical than anything else, but we resolved it. It was over being practical versus the apartment looking "ghetto." She doesn't want plastic wrap on the windows and I kept saying I don't want the raised electric bill. Finally compromised. I'm just going to have suck it up and get real good black out curtains (thermal). We need them anyway and yeah, they'd definitely look nicer. :D

Bear showed up in the early morning and it was snuggle time. We cuddled a lot, chatting away. I feel so bad because since I'm over night, it's hard for me to be super active because I'm literally falling asleep. But being in his strong arms was certainly worth it! We talked more of the "heavy" stuff, but it certainly did not dominate the day. I was determined for us to have a good time anyway and so was he. He took me out to lunch and then Star Wars. I was blown away. It was so wonderful and I was happy for the treatment. Certainly a wonderful Christmas present :)

We had a great BDSM session afterwards. First time one has ever left marks like this. Ah the passion was so intense. It was one of the hardest scenes we did together. Sub drop was a bitch, but so worth it.

Mist isn't feeling well. Poor girl threw out her back - and is still working. Not that I can judge, I did the same thing last year. Worried a bit about her health, but she comes home early when she needs too. I really need to have a warm breakfast waiting for her when she comes home.

Dock is depressed. I guess his relationship is fizzling. I feel bad. But he loved the Star Wars movie. He went to it yesterday. I love how sensitive he is and so damn sweet. I invited him over for a good session of Black Ops III but he needs time to decant. Can't blame him. Poor soul.

I will be so glad when these holidays are over. I'm working on my New Years resolutions now. I really need to have them written and broken down this time. I am determined to be a completely different woman come this time next year.
 
Self care...self care...self care...

I say it a lot, but honestly that's what I've been clinging too you might say.

I thought a lot about the state of things.

It's hard to let go of behaviors that I admit are just me trying to control the situation and get the responses I want from other people. It's even harder to face the hollowness of being lonely - and despite all the people around me, I feel very lonely.

On a happier note, still continue to make progress a little each day. Tonight I did not obsess over Bear or other things I normally let drive me into a state of fear.

I also recognize I'm being very hard on myself. I don't think I've ever let myself recover from what happened in the beginning of this year, nor have I really fully accepted it, if that makes any sense what so ever.

I know one thing is for sure. I'm exhausted. Will be glad when work slows down.
 
Well the first Christmas I have had without my family. No drama, no well...nothing.

I had a real tough time with this yesterday. In fact, you could say I shattered over it. ...I'll even admit that it happened at work. It wasn't easy because everyone, in good faith, was asking how I was spending my holidays and commenting about my son. What was I supposed to say? "OH! well we already had our little Christmas, but my son is off with his father and I won't see him and my family? Naw my parents went over the deep end and are both in rehab and I want nothing to do with them...and the rest of the family is dealing with various...legal shit." :eek:

I actually laughed morbidly at the thought. Imagine the look on their faces if I just said that.

I finally headed to the back of the building and just fell apart. No one saw me. But man did I break. A co-worker who happened to go back there too found me and ironically enough, was in the SAME situation, only her marriage was 17 years going. Very funny how divine intervention can manifest itself, no?

I managed to finish my shift and head home. Mist was waiting for me because I texted her I was in bad shape. She and I talked about Bear, who is off with his family. She said he's screwing with me and using me. Didn't want to hear that and I cried even harder. I still don't know if it's true or not. Christ I'm so confused about everything in a wall of emotion right now.

However I know I don't have to make any decisions right now and probably shouldn't, since my emotions are in hyperdrive due to the holidays and everything happening at once. I texted to Dock for awhile and he's feeling it too. We both thought we'd be fine this Christmas and both of us are...well wrecks.

Despite the doom and gloom of this post, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Really brought to light how much things need to change - and how much self care has helped me. I was still able to enjoy my day off after the shift, make some delicious cookies, make my favorite meal, and get some kitty love from Mist's cats. I'm having Christmas with her family, so I won't be alone.

Damn I'm so glad 2015 is on it's way out the door.
 
I issued an ultimatum to Bear.

I never wanted to go that far. Ever.

But this situation needs to stop. The deadline is 27 days away.

I will not witness emotional abuse on some one I love and continue to be treated second.

I am prepared for a break up. But am praying for the best.
 
Thank you Evie.

I'm still standing. Honestly, I'm going through such a roller coaster of emotions (dizzying highs, very low lows...) and constantly changing circumstances so much, I've decided not to write about them until they more or less conclude by the end of the month.

I have had A LOT of new experiences though, so it's definitely not all negative.

I know things are going to be ok though. And that alone is a huge step for me.
 
(((((Hug))))) Poly Snow.

I reccomend better help. Its what I am using, an online and phone platform. Works for me on this platform and style, and has matched me with a great therapist. :)

I hope things stabalise and even out soon. x
 
Bear and I separated. Will be going NC until...things are settled.

His wife pulled a TERRIBLE move on him and emotionally traumatized him so badly he can hardly function. It was hell on earth watching. He can't be there for me or her, and I have no idea how things will work out between them. There is nothing I can do, but I guess, for now, the battle was fought and our relationship...has been tabled.

Anyone reading this:

NEVER tell your man it's ok to find another woman and not mean it. Don't even joke about it. It might happen, and let me tell you, the tremendous pain it has caused for all three of us....yeah. DON'T. Poly isn't something you "try" get it? You DON'T DO IT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT. PERIOD.

If you emotionally blackmail your spouse into staying with you - you're a pig. Plain and simple.

I...I don't know what's going to happen with me. Other than my life is going to move on. Life doesn't stop for anyone - I've found that out the hard way.

We both did not say it was over to each other. But we both realize we need space and time to heal from the most hellish year any of us have experienced. He said he doesn't want to give me up, but he can't be there for me right now.

I said I'd always be there for him if he needed me. It was a very loving "end".

Don't know what else to say. I guess I could write about recovering (are you allowed to do that here?) in this blog and the other relationships that have developed, but not sure about it yet. This place has been a great outlet. Just knowing someone else out there might be listening or reading has been helpful..
 
Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Feel like I've hit a turning point. So, Chapter 2 of the blog.

Finally got into treatment and it's been two weeks. It is...amazing what the right medications can do.

I've made some changes. I've stopped drinking a lot of soda. I'm eating nothing but home made foods in general. I'm making my own salads and home made meals. I'm getting an hour of exercise a day (on my off days, doing it during my work days proves too much for my muscles).

I got some goals laid out that I'm working on.

Bear and I stayed NC. I had resolved not to contact him until he contacted me. I'm done with the chase and the drama. He has a lot of crap to take care of and I realize the magnitude of the baggage he has.

Only, today, he called and came over very briefly. He is not doing well. At all. I listened, but politely and firmly told him he needs to take care of himself first. I won't "get serious" with him again until his decisions have been made. He left and I went back to my life. I finally am starting to accept the reality that most likely, he won't be in my life the way I want him to be. But I'm also ok with the idea of having it the way it is because...

I've been going out! I've been socializing and getting out there and meeting new people. I became very close to a person whom I'll call Moon. He's a Dom and recently went through nearly the same situation I did, only he had it worse. His partner left him after 3 years. It has hurt him profoundly.

Moon and I both recognize that we are rebounding on each other, so we do not have sex. We also keep certain boundaries up. We do play with each other though and he's skilled with the paddle and the whip. It scratches the itch and does the job well. I've had two scenes with him and have enjoyed them immensely. He's great with after care too. It's nice to stare at the bruises afterwards...:cool:

I threw a party at the house and invited the girls I've been close too for a while, but never really engaged. It was revitalizing and hopeful. I really enjoyed getting close to them and listening to their stories. One person I really REALLY love. She's actually a bonafide lawyer and I had no idea we had so much to talk about.

I also tried several new foods.

--

The hubby is finally starting to get a bit nasty. So I need to focus on finalizing the divorce. Ugh. Now that I'm finally getting the help I need and the support, I realize how badly I need to get the toxic out of my life.

You know after all of this, I think I see GREAT beauty in solo polyamory... That is not said with sarcasm either..
 
As part of my meditation, it was suggested to me to get an adult coloring book. I deal with these often and quite frankly, and am tired of seeing them. There are all kinds of them. There are dog ones, cat ones, horses ones, designs, and yes, even kink and swear word coloring books.

I could never be bothered to get one myself, so I asked for one for Christmas. My wish was granted and I received a mandala coloring book. It was thick and heavy, full of designs. I ran my fingers along the intricate (and sometimes not so intricate) pieces with a sparkle in my eye. Immediately, my instincts were to read all about mandalas and find out what they were all about. How, I thought to myself, does the human mind create such beautiful things that make perfect sense yet seemingly reflect nothing but mere shapes infused with animals or flowers?

When I had my fill of googled articles, I immediately set to work on the first page. I colored for nearly an hour, stopping only because my wrists hurt. The next morning, I repeated the same thing. By the third day, the center of my first mandala was complete. It was good...but I felt it lacked something. It wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped. I realized it lacked color variance. It was just too plain. I went out to the local store and got a bigger set of color pencils. Problem solved! I started on the outer edges. My wrists hurt again (damn work life) and I put my pencils away.

I didn't open the book again for another month. Life got in the way.

I opened the book again this morning, looking back down at my now 25% done piece of artwork. It looked awful. Every imperfection seemed to stand out. I also noticed several parts of the pattern that I had missed coloring out. Yet I swore when I had look at it before, the parts were complete. Frowning, I fixed the errors.

I looked at my work again, apprehension washing over me. Suddenly the entire mandala seemed intimidating and the colors all wrong.

I resisted the urge to turn the page and try another design - this time, I'd get it right.

I just continued to stare, pencil in my hand.

Suddenly I realized this beautiful piece of work in front of me was reflecting back at me my life. Bemused, I thought about the patterns I just went through.

I started coloring with enthusiasm and wonder. I love knowledge and reading, so naturally, I wanted to know the history of what I was looking at. So I researched it. I did the same with my career, my TV shows, my car, everything. I always asked the why and how things are created, how they were first conceptualized. I laughed a little.

Then, when I completed just a small piece of the big drawing, I thought I had done it "wrong". That it lacked something. I tried different colors, but it just didn't feel right. And I started judging it way before it was remotely close to being finished...just like a lot of situations and relationships in my life. I was drawing conclusions based on only 25% of the actual picture and not appreciating the work I had already put into it. Hmmm...

I attacked the task with vigor and colored with dedication for the first few days, but then, my enthusiasm dropped off. My work was left unfinished....like MANY projects in my life.

Then, when I took the time to look back on it. I saw the imperfections, what I could've done better, and how many things I had unknowingly over looked. I chided myself for such stupid mistakes. My first instinct was to rip out the drawing and start over, doing it right. I had done that so many times in so many situations (especially when I was a teenager). I would abruptly walk out on something or assume something was shit simply because I made a few mistakes.

Then when I reflected at the ENTIRE drawing, including the unfinished portions. I felt overwhelmed. Why had I even thought to try something so tiresome? How was I going to get every single part of this drawing done, and done right? Oh yeah, I felt the same way about most of the goals that I'm pursuing.

Surprised at this revelation, I started to color again, ignoring the inner voice of perfectionism and just focused on doing what I could and enjoying the act of coloring. Maybe I should just enjoy the act of LIVING....

I started to jump areas of the drawing. I would start on a flower and then work on a bee and then maybe a leaf. Oh why couldn't I just follow the "logical" course of events? I starting chiding myself again, then I realize...I had NEVER followed the "logical" course of events in life. Ever. And everytime I tried, I failed or ended up miserable. The only reason why I would try was because others tried to tell me it was the "right way" and I was trying to please them. Heh.

I allowed myself to jump all over the drawing at will, finishing parts that I was most amused with and letting my mind wander. I also let myself color the pieces as I saw fit, not trying to follow the exact pattern. I really loved how the outer edges of my leaves where a sharp orange that I faded into bright yellow using multiple color pencils. It really caught my eye and it felt satisfying. I was letting myself...be myself.

But could I design the drawing on my own? Not likely. I LIKE structure......in fact, I love it. But I love being creative within the structure. It's how I am at work. I follow policy, but I always have my own personal touch, my own signature moves that break no rules but are so uniquely mine.

I finished most of the drawing and looked at it with a new eye. Suddenly, all the "terrible" imperfections didn't seem so imperfect now. They were just...me, and the drawing? I loved it. It made my heart flutter.

All this from coloring...

Maybe...someone was on to something.

Now...back to coloring..
 
You've described my life, too, PolySnow, lol. Now you make me want to buy a coloring book :) Does it work like meditation (empty the mind)?
 
@Pinkpig - for me it doesn't. My mind is constantly racing, but that might have to do with ADHD and stuff like that. It focused my thoughts, but eh, definitely didn't empty my mind.


--

Bear...

Bear...

Bear...

He's like a mosquito in my ear that I simply cannot swat. After sending him on his way, I managed to keep going without too much of an emotional upset. But he's always lingering in the back of my thoughts.

Why do "break ups" feel this way? How can it be you go through such an awful roller coaster of emotions? It is AMAZING, our capacity to feel things. And it can be a matter of minutes or a matter of hours.

I did so well at work today. I was proud of myself. I didn't procrastinate on a lot of things at home and as I posted before, I'm eating healthy meals etc.

I soaked my legs because they hurt so bad from working and while in the tub, it HIT. I just felt overwhelming grief coupled with a terrible longing for Bear.

I resent it right now.

Glad I have meds and am in treatment, because damn, this is a DOOZY. And that's just one aspect of my life. I have a lot more positive going on right now, but I'm just caught in a daze at the moment. Mmmm...
 
I'm sorry, PolySnow :( IME, the grief comes in layers, like an onion. I'm a couple years out of my relationship with my ExH and I've felt some grief and longing for him of late. I just keep reminding myself that this will pass and I'll come out on the other side stronger. It's confusing and disconcerting nonetheless.
 
It really is PinkPig. Very confusing.

---

I never lived life with panic attacks until now. And I hope no one around me or anyone reading this, who hasn't experienced one, ever does. If evil had an essence, this would be part of it.

The worst part of it is, they tend to strike at work. Thank god, with the meds and the counseling, and the general awareness of it all - I can pretty much counter them or ride them out without getting too much notice.

But in those moments, I swear people around me can hear my heart jack hammering in my chest or my inner voice that is screaming so loud in pain that its hard to think. That's when, however, I appreciate my mind and my body the most. I keep working, my body mechanically carrying out each task. There isn't much thought. My eyes and hands react to the familiar flashing lights while my eyes scan over the codes, knowing instinctually how to act. I assume the proper stances when lifting heavy orders or call out the appropriate actions/call-outs when I come across errors. All the while, on the inside, I'm imploding.

Sometimes, people around me DO sense something is up. People who don't even know me have mentioned I seem tense or "off." The worst is when someone calls my name and I damn near jump out of my skin. I laugh it off and say they just startled me. Truth be told, I don't know why I jumped so hard. I KNOW they are there. Maybe it's because every defense is up..

And everything around me causes suspicion. Every thing everyone said to me is so clear in my head. Every bad memory or thought just keeps circling. My chest feels so tight, I don't know how I'm breathing properly.

How long this state lasts, I don't know. Sometimes, it just last a few minutes, other times, a full half hour or more. I have suddenly just burst into tears and ran off to find some isolation. Ugh.

This isn't to be a "victim" post. It's just. its positively NUTS how bad a panic attack can be.
 
I'm watching the show "Intervention" as part of my "treatment".

It's reminding me of my drug problem: Codependency.

Seeing it in my face, through other families helps keep me focused. I may not have a pill in my mouth or a needle in my arm, but I do have the same problems. The show reminds me I am going to go through a lot, because I'm going through a major change in so many ways.

I'm not pursuing Bear any more. That's a HUGE change in itself after a year of desperately trying to get the affection and the attention I wanted, not to mention, trying to "rescue him" just like I tried to rescue my mom and so many others.

And it's HARD not to constantly ruminate on the entire situation. The last few days have been spent forcing myself to think forward. I got a lot of stuff done within the last 72 hours that I've been avoiding for literally almost 2 years.

And it's hard to remind myself I DO deserve to focus on myself. I left work early because I needed the time. I normally don't leave work unless I'm bleeding (and there have been times where even that hasn't stopped me from trying to work). I felt guilty the entire drive home. Like, I was doing wrong for not "being there" for my supervisors.

And then today, I just starting thinking about everything. Like, letting myself really seeing the reality of things. And I really think I'm out of the denial phase now.

I have a serious problem and my life is not quite out of control, but I'm on the knife's blade.

I'm just so proud of myself though, because when I'm ready to just crumble, I think to my self - I will get better, I will stick to my treatment. And I've done it so far. These two weeks have felt like two freaking years, but I've gotten exercise, journaled, eaten right, and at least got it into my head that I've got to make major changes or I'm gonna fall. I won't be happy. and that I have to be fully responsible for my own happiness.

...

On a happier note, I've got several munches coming up within the next few weeks, so yay socializing!

Mist wants me to go out hiking with her and spend more time with me. We are sleeping in the same bed now. We aren't...mates, but it feels like it. I feel like she's a life partner, but not in a romantic sense. We love being around each other and she holds me when I need it. We're inseparable and she's been there for every down. I don't know how she does it. I can't believe I'm so lucky.

Moon texted me on the way into work. It is amazing (haven't I said this before?) what one little text can do. He's the male support that I really really appreciate. Too bad he's dropped out of the scene. He'd be a great top to lean on when I get those submissive itches. And I trust him. But really, I'm so grateful for his good morning and good night texts, I think I can be happy with just that for now.

Got the stuff to go back to college. I don't know how I'm going to go about doing this (or just handling the idea of going back to college), but one of my hugest regrets is not having my degree and I need the credentials to keep going. It's ABUNDANTLY clear that I've hit a wall in my current situation, politically and what have you. It's time to take steps, there won't be a "better" time.

So! Keep on marching...
 
Last night was ass clown city at my job.

Lately, it seems that all the associates are being held responsible for management's mistakes and lack of communication. I know, typical corporate crap. What job doesn't have that? But it's been so acute lately, you can't help but just scratch your head.

I was just exhausted fighting several leadership figures to the point I brought HR in. Thank GOD one had the sense to realize the situation really was a huge miscommunication and got everyone to resolve it out without any hurt feelings. The sad thing was, the whole situation was caused because someone went ABOVE expectations and completed a task outside the building that no one else was capable of doing. They didn't want to recognize that person and give them their credit because they weren't physically located in the building despite the HUGE benefits it reaped on the company. I was so DISGUSTED. I'll never EVER look at certain leader figures the same again. I always believed these certain individuals would do what was right, irregardless of circumstances, but I was wrong. VERY wrong. There was one guy who did stand his ground through the whole thing and he was the reason it got resolved.

The most positive thing though was an HR rep flat out said that though it was within the policy, the nit picking and the technicality tactics used here was just disgusting and caused more harm then positive. That took guts.

By the time the whole situation ended, half of the shift had gone by and I was mentally shot.

I had a bad meltdown yesterday morning at home. Again, it was just grief. I'm really struggling with feeling lonely, I miss my BDSM play, I miss the Bear I fell in love with, I miss it all.

I am eternally grateful for the munches coming up at the end of the month. I need to get out of the house and socialize. I need to find new hobbies. I can't just be at home any more with nothing to do, it's too much time to think!
 
Damn it I'm tired of grieving.

I feel paralyzed by it and resent it. You walk around with a gaping hole in your chest all the time and it's...just awful. Everything takes 200% more effort. My emotions are driving me crazy lol.

I took more steps toward moving on with things. I got more numbers to call, more chores to complete, will be grateful for time off this week. I think this will be the last time, for the next two weeks, that I'll be working any over time. I'm TIRED and need a break.

I have so many decisions to make in the new few months. I actually have to concentrate on NOT focusing on the big picture, if I do, I feel like I'm going to lose my head.

Mornings are always the hardest. All I feel is...pain.
 
I started reading Eragon again. That journey always comforts me. Never knew why, but when I lose myself in that book, my troubles seem very far away (or maybe, even a bit clarified).

Therapy was horrible today. For the first half, I babbled on, surprised at all the anger and frustration that poured out. Second half, I could only cry. And it was a gut wrenching cry.

I felt worse after the session and not better at all. At first, I thought I had wasted my time, but after a while, the therapist's words circled in my mind, giving me a bit of clarity - and a bit of hope. Still, I felt like lead most of the day and like I was simply watching myself function. Ironically, I got -alot- of stuff done.

Work is pulling more punches. I need to accept that shit just won't be the same any more. I'm a nobody there and they want to make sure I know it. No matter how much I help out or how much I learn, I'm a simple cog in the wheel and they have no problem shitting on me whenever they can.

I faced some fears tonight, which I'm proud of. I talked to Moon for nearly three hours. We both opened up to each other more concerning our fantasies and philosophies concerning BDSM. He says he's proud of me for working through this and he knows just how painful this is. He's been through the exact same thing and told me not to beat myself up for having such a hard time. Mist said the same thing, I need to be kinder to myself and stop hating myself for certain things.

I still haven't accepted the losses for last year. That is my problem. So, I keep repeating some mantras the therapist said and you know? It actually did help me to focus.

I went to a new store today on a whim, just to see something different. Not impressed, but it was cool to just see something different. I made some phone calls I really didn't want to make, but am proud that I took care of what I had too. Turns out, it wasn't so bad after all.

Now I'm ready to really clean the house and get rid of a lot of clutter that is bringing me down.

One thing I'm learning about recovery, pain assaults you the entire time, but the key is not to STOP and be paralyzed by it. And I have been stuck. I've chosen, in the past, to let myself remain stuck. But just because I have chosen to unstick myself, doesn't mean it's not going to be very painful and very hard. I just need to keep moving.

I took myself out for a treat and watched my favorite shows. I watched new movies and spent some time with my parents. My little one seems happy enough, but I found out he's very unhappy with the hubby. Not sure what I'm going to do about this, but again, one day at a time.

So, I'm still standing, still fighting. And right now, I DO feel hopeful. I don't think God has deserted me. And I have to stop believing he's after me, because he really isn't.

Next week will definitely be better, as I have a lot of opportunity to meet new people.
 
I met new people tonight and really really enjoyed it. Then got in the car and cried so hard, it shocked even me. I'm still not over Bear. I feel like It's been months already. Yet...lmao, it's only been a mere 14 days. Christ.

Therapy sucked. I just sat there and cried for the most part. I think it's time to up the meds a bit because this just isn't normal. I mean there is no reason for a human being to cry this much. I don't even wish it on my worse enemies. All I do is cry...cry....cry, panic, and then cry.

I function. Don't get me wrong. I've done a lot. I mastered the system last night so well that I really felt like a champ after work. I took care of the entire building instead of just one little section. I felt so. damn. proud! And I LOVED it. I could do that for free. I just I knew how I could do what I do OUTSIDE of work so that the powers that be don't have any control over it.

I'm thinking of making a very drastic change in my life. Moving out entirely and selling almost everything I own. And just going. Transferring WAY far away from where I live and just starting fresh. Literally everywhere I go, it's a painful reminder of a lot of things. This could be just a symptom of grief, but I've had this urge ever since I was in high school. And it's only gotten worse over the years. Now, it's almost unbearable.

Is it running away? Yeah probably. But I can argue I've tried almost everything to dispel this restlessness. Being here...I can't seem to get passed my identity that's been branded here for 28 years. Does one leave a drug addict in their old environment with old friends and expect them to recover? I think my situation is like that.

And I mean DRASTIC changes. Completely redoing everything. Going to school, new clothes, new everything, intense therapy, and just....leaving. The idea sounds so intimidating yet so freeing. And honestly, I think its the only way I can move on from not just what happened between Bear and I, but most of my life. There is A LOT of pain and regret in this place.

I will not make rash decisions. Obviously. I know the weight of the words above. But if I spend the rest of my life like this...hell if I spend the next few years like this, I really think my spirit is going to die. Or I'm going to be very very damaged.
 
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