How common is it for guys in Poly to be their girls primary in everyway but one?

I think that is an understandable reaction to have, and that was the point of my question. How do other guys cope with that?
It actually goes both ways. My BF want to open up our relationship after 4 years, and I cannot imagine him having sex with another woman.....AGHhhhhhhhh. How does one make it work or cope with it?
 
How does my husband cope with it? He does not want to know that much about it, he insists that I keep that side of my life seperate from us and our family. I respect his wishes.

At first he was mad, but not that mad. He excepts that he has a very low libido, he has no problem with this and never did have. Our sex life was always poor, and I needed so much more than he was willing or able to give and he came to terms with that. Our marriage was, and still is really great in all other areas. I no longer initiate sex with my husband, even now I feel a sense of rejection when he is not interested. We now have sex when he wants to, and I have another fantastic man in my life who provides for me sexually.
 
Dude and I have sex way more often than MrS and I do. MrS and I practically live inside each others minds. So, yes, Dude is my primary sexual partner and MrS is my primary emotional partner.

JaneQ

That is something like how I operate with miss pixi and Ginger. miss p and I get along great emotionally, but her sex drive doesnt come near Ginger's. However, after now 7 months, he and I have come to be quite close emotionally. However, since he is a bit Aspie, he doesnt get me the way she does, things can take more explaining. He's more rational (nowhere near like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory, but sometimes there are similarities...).

Taken together, we make a great team. We've had 3way sex now, 3 times, and when she is with us 2 horndogs, it seems to inspire her sex drive! Ginger and she are quite attracted to each other. Very interesting dynamic. I am the only one experiencing any fleeting jealousy, and we are working through how to prevent that quite well in the last few weeks.

All of us are firmly polyamorous, so we don't have any mono issues/programming to deal with. We are just having to learn how to give space for their dyad to develop in the midst of my dyad with her, my dyad with him, and our 3way friendship/loveship.
 
When it comes to looking after finances, or our child, or emotional support, time spent together, love, friendship and physical affection etc etc, I am my girls primary!

The only part of her life where I'm not, is when it comes to satisfying her sexual needs, in this area I'm secondary to my metamour.

I was wondering how common this is, and also how other guys cope with this situation.

The same question applies to the ladies.

Thanks.


Look, you're talking to polyamorists, an indication of the fact that defining a prescribed social "norm" does not work for everyone. You sound happy with the arrangements. What you should really be asking is not questioning us whether it is normal but asking yourself whether you do feel happy and satisfied and secure with this relationship. You and her could always engage in more sex, or try some variety, or just ask her how she feels about you or your comparative lack of sexual activity.
It all comes down to what YOU all want in your relationships. That is how you will find out if you are truly happy.
 
That is something like how I operate with miss pixi and Ginger. miss p and I get along great emotionally, but her sex drive doesnt come near Ginger's. However, after now 7 months, he and I have come to be quite close emotionally. However, since he is a bit Aspie, he doesnt get me the way she does, things can take more explaining. He's more rational (nowhere near like Sheldon on Big Bang Theory, but sometimes there are similarities...).

Taken together, we make a great team. We've had 3way sex now, 3 times, and when she is with us 2 horndogs, it seems to inspire her sex drive! Ginger and she are quite attracted to each other. Very interesting dynamic. I am the only one experiencing any fleeting jealousy, and we are working through how to prevent that quite well in the last few weeks.

All of us are firmly polyamorous, so we don't have any mono issues/programming to deal with. We are just having to learn how to give space for their dyad to develop in the midst of my dyad with her, my dyad with him, and our 3way friendship/loveship.

That actually sounds great, I wish I could find something like that :(
 
Look, you're talking to polyamorists, an indication of the fact that defining a prescribed social "norm" does not work for everyone. You sound happy with the arrangements. What you should really be asking is not questioning us whether it is normal but asking yourself whether you do feel happy and satisfied and secure with this relationship. You and her could always engage in more sex, or try some variety, or just ask her how she feels about you or your comparative lack of sexual activity.
It all comes down to what YOU all want in your relationships. That is how you will find out if you are truly happy.

Yes, we are all very happy with the way things are at the moment. My girl and I make love all the time, there is plenty of sexual activity between us, it has lessened of late because she is seeing more of her lover, I'm happy for her to do so, we still make plenty of time for us though.

I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girls primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her other love gives her more orgasms then me, in fact it turns me on. He has always been her dom but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.

Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not?
 
We are in our early 30s and I have been with my wife for 15 yrs, 10 married. I guess I have had more practice with her, as she says I know how to take care of her the best, lol. But don't get me wrong. She has had awesome times with her friend(s). People do things differently. How do I say this without getting too graphic...He was extremely talented orally, and me not as much. But I know how to do other things that he couldnt do as well. It doesn't upset me when she would tell me about it though, if it did, we prob wouldn't be doing it at all to begin with. Good luck!
 
That actually sounds great, I wish I could find something like that :(

It is great, and I hope you do! It took a lot of work to get to this point in my love life.

BTW, I love your Johnny avatar! But what is up with the "hate?"
 
Yes, we are all very happy with the way things are at the moment. My girl and I make love all the time, there is plenty of sexual activity between us, it has lessened of late because she is seeing more of her lover, I'm happy for her to do so, we still make plenty of time for us though.

I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girls primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her other love gives her more orgasms then me, in fact it turns me on. He has always been her dom but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.

Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not?

Nathan, you seem so cute, and you have a very refreshing attitude towards sex, if only all guys were the same, I think a lot of relationships would be less stressful, and longer lasting.

I see that you use the term bull to describe you g/fs lover, I guess this means your both still into that cuckold roleplay. Lol.....You both seem to have got to a great place, and I think that your g/f is lucky to have you.
 
Nathan, you seem so cute, and you have a very refreshing attitude towards sex, if only all guys were the same, I think a lot of relationships would be less stressful, and longer lasting.

I see that you use the term bull to describe you g/fs lover, I guess this means your both still into that cuckold roleplay. Lol.....You both seem to have got to a great place, and I think that your g/f is lucky to have you.

:):):) He is very cute, and I know how lucky I am to have him. As for the cuckold roleplay...........Well, not exactly, but we do have our own thing, and all three of us are very turned on by it. ;)
 
I see that you use the term bull to describe you g/fs lover, I guess this means your both still into that cuckold roleplay. Lol

Yes we are. :D It's fun! I love it, and so does Aurelie. She is a bit shy about admitting it though, as you can see from her reply above.:)
 
:):):):):) Your my cute little cuckold, and Scott is my big stud............. Not so shy now am I.;)

lol, no your not, and yes I am, and yes he is, and as much as I like you being with him................I also really miss you when your not here. A lot! :(
 
I wasn't asking if it's the "norm," I was wondering out of interest and curiosity how common it is for guys who are their girls primary, to be secondary when it comes to sex, and also how they feel about it. I'm fine with it, I'm not going to get upset just because her other love gives her more orgasms then me, in fact it turns me on. He has always been her dom but is now also her bull, and is free to be with her whenever he wants.

Like I said, I'm curious if there are any other guys who feel the same way, or not?

Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),

There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.

I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jive with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Her dom is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.

Does Aurelie's dom's wife think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.

It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied :). She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!

You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.

However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.

Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.

After all, if Aurelie had a strong sexual need to be with a woman, you probably wouldn't automatically feel like she was having better sex with her female partner--you'd feel that she was having DIFFERENT sex. Or, if Aurelie was a domme instead of a sub, and her secondary was someone she dominated instead of the other way around, you would probably feel that she has very complex sexual needs that aren't your cup of tea, rather than that you're not capable of satisfying her as well as her dom can.

Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.

It definitely sounds like you ARE sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in EVERY way.

Nathan, I've been on both sides of a situation like yours. A few years ago, when I was non-exclusive with my ex-boyfriend, I had better sex with another man. My ex did not deal with it well, but chose to resent me in silence instead of talking to me about it. (Later he told friends that I was just his practice girlfriend, and he made clear that he had never cared about me. Oh, and he blamed me for his sexual problems). That's a longer story. At the time, I was deliriously happy seeing both men.

Now I'm on the other side--I'm seeing a man who is MUCH kinkier than me, has a MUCH higher sex drive, etc. It's the best sex of my life, but he has better sex with other women. (He's looking for another steady partner besides me, but hasn't found one yet. I'm looking to date others also, but have no time because I'm writing my thesis).

I am totally comfortable, and totally happy, with him having fantastic sex with another woman. There are a couple reasons for this: 1) I believe I am inherently non-monogamous, and have never experienced much sexual jealousy, 2) I have no desire to do the BDSM stuff he likes to do, and I want him to have someone else to do that with, and 3) He needs sex CONSTANTLY. I get tired and sore pretty easily--there is no way I could meet all his needs even if I wanted to! :)

For some reason, I like men who are more sexual than me. Maybe because I still have some guilt over how my ex felt about me, and the cruel things he said to me and about me. Or maybe it's because I am finally comfortable with knowing and admitting that I like, and am largely compatible with, sexually dominant men with high sex drives.

Anyway, like you, I'm at peace with knowing my lover needs more than just me, both sexually and emotionally.

P.S. It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.

Rather than wondering how other guys in your situation feel, Nathan, you might consider making yourself a sort of advocate for helping "nice" (i.e. vanilla) guys understand women with "wilder" sexual needs.
 
Not sure I have too much to contribute at the moment, but I wanted to say this topic might be fairly relevant to my own situation. My fiance and I aren't as sexually compatible as my boyfriend and I it seems and it has caused us some uneasiness in the past. I think we are getting more comfortable with it now, but it made us really nervous when all of it started.

I think it does help that in my situation, my boyfriend is submissive to me and has a really low sex drive unless I tease him, so I always have to initiate. My fiance has a high sex drive, but his taste for me has been a bit low lately. As a female with a high sex drive, this is a little frustrating for me, but we seem to be handling the dynamics alright. We are all getting ready to move into a townhome together shortly, so it will let me more effectively tease my boyfriend.
 
Thanks Meera, thats an interesting post.

There are definitely guys out there who feel the same way you do. (They may not be on this forum, though). Some might identify as cuckolds, others might just be comfortable with the fact that their primary partner has a secondary partner with whom she is more sexually compatible.

The cuckold thing is just fun, the three of us do not take it serious, but Nathan does get off on seeing me with Scott, or knowing that I'm with him. I think it turns him on that Scott is more able to get me off.

I think the phrasing/terms you use in your question don't quite jive with the way most poly folks think about "primary" and "secondary." You are Aurelie's primary because you live with her and are her life partner. Her dom is her secondary because he doesn't live with her and has a primary partner of his own. You're not "sexually secondary" to her dom just because they might have more or better sex together.

Well Nathan is my primary mainly because I love him more, and also for the reasons you state. I guess that doesn't quite jive with poly either. lol. Is Nathan my sexual secondary? I do have more and better sex with Scott, but it is so different to what I have with Nathan. What makes sex great with Nathan is in many ways the opposite to what makes it great with Scott. However, Scott is the best lover I have ever had, he makes me feel a way that no other can, and that includes Nathan. Sex with Nathan is more of a mental, spirtual and love thing, with Scott it's physical.

Does Aurelie's dom's wife think of her herself as sexually secondary to Aurelie? I'm guessing not.

Well they have been married for a long time. I admire her because she has no hangs ups, she always sees things so clearly. We talk about Scott. lol. The biggest reason he is able to get me off so much is because of his size and incredible staying power, good technique and ability also. His wife tells me that I would not love it so much after nearly twenty years, she says I would be praying for a quicky, lol, but no. I dont think she she's herhelf that way. I dont think that she thinks in those terms.

It sounds to me like you've got yourself an awesome woman who can keep two men well satisfied :). She has some kinky needs that you simply aren't compatible with. Luckily, she has a loving secondary who can meet those needs, while you benefit from finding the whole situation erotic. Plus, the pressure is off you to do BDSM stuff that you don't enjoy. Sounds perfect to me!

Lol, thanks. I'm really lucky to have two awesome men, who keep me more than satisfied. I do have kinky needs that Nathan isn't into, I do my best to corrupt him though. lol. Sometimes it works. BDSM is not one of those things though. He is so lovely and to nice to be a dom, and he doesn't want to sub for me, which I except.

You ask how other men deal with the situation you describe. Well, quite often, they don't deal with it. They decide the woman is a slut who never loved them and is not worthy of their love. Sadly, societal norms condone such a punitive attitude toward "overly sexual" or "wrongly sexual" women.

This is why I feel so fortunate to have Nathans love. He is so open minded and excepting of my needs. He never fails to make me feel loved and secure.

However, I do think it's a challenge for anyone to accept that their primary partner has better sex with someone else. The key is to understand sexual compatibility, and the complexities of sexuality in general. Sexuality isn't just being gay/bi/straight, it's a lot of other stuff: how kinky/vanilla you are, how dominant/submissive, how high/low your libido is, what specific sex acts you like, whether you need sex to be connected to love or not, whether you're monogamous or not, etc.

That's interesting Meera. I tease Nathan about being bi, I dont think he is though. I would say he is vanilla, altough like I said, I'm a bad influence. Also, I think the cuckold thing he likes is very kinky. lol He is submissive sexually, not in a kinky way though. His libido is high, thankfully. He likes lots of different types of sex acts, I have taught him a lot, and given him the confidence to tell me what he likes. He does need sex to be connected to love, which is what makes our sex special, we make love, Scott fucks me. Nathan is monogamous, which makes me very happy.:)

Every individual needs to figure out where they are on the spectrum of each of those elements of sexuality. If you're very comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual needs, you can be comfortable with knowing that you might not be able to match all of someone else's sexual needs. And that there's nothing wrong with that.

I think the four of us are very comfortable about where we stand in our relationships, not just sexually, but all round. I would say we are all very happy with the way things have turned out.

Sorry if that's convoluted. I'm trying to say it might help if you look past the "traditional" gender roles of your situation. You've got a woman who needs a man who is more dominant, more sexual, maybe physically larger or more traditionally "masculine" than you. I can see how that might be hard to make peace with (although it sounds like you've done so!). But if you imagine the gender roles or kinky roles reversed, you can see that it's not about you being unable to satisfy your woman--it's about your woman having a more complex sexuality than you.

It definitely sounds like you ARE sexually compatible with Aurelie in many ways. Just not in EVERY way.

This is 100% correct

Hi Nathan (and Aurelie),P.S. It's awesome that you took the effort to understand as much about Aurelie's BDSM needs as possible (experimenting with her, etc), even if it's not something you want for yourself. One of the worst experiences of my life was when I asked my ex if he could try holding me down and kissing me roughly--and he looked at me like I was a disgusting, depraved pervert, and said he "couldn't" and "wasn't that type of guy." At the time, I felt really guilty for making him feel insecure about himself, even though all I had done was confess a (not uncommon) fantasy.

It is cool that Nathan is open to my suggestions, I dont force him, or ask him to do things he doesn't like though, and It would not turn me on for him to dom me now. He cant do that stuff, well he could, but it would go against the grain for him to do it. He is a very gentle and loving person, and he is the same in bed. Strangely, it does turn him on to see Scott have rough and dominant sex with me.

It's a shame things didn't work out with your ex. I think it's difficult to find a man that would be excepting of a poly lifestyle.
 
Why do you do that? Do you suspect that he is attracted to your lover in some way?

lol, no I do not think that Nathan is attracted to Scott. It wouldn't bother me if he was though. I tease him about being bi because when he was at high school he had a relationship with another boy.
 
This is the case with my primary. We have sex and I am willing to have sex whenever he likes, but he knows my other partner is more skilled at getting me off and that I have more sex with him (we switch off every other night, primary is good to go once a night, secondary can recover faster so more sex is often had).
 
I would say that it is very common. It certainly is in my case. As you say though Nathan, I think it usually goes unsaid. It's a macho pride thing with some men, they cant come to terms with the fact that their wife needs another man to be satisfied sexually.

You guys seem to have a great relationship.

I agree and it is certainly the case with us. Yes, its difficult sometimes that she is in his room most nights, or when you get home they have already played to her content. But it is rewarding in itself that she is getting the satisfaction that she needs. You are providing her with what you do best and so is he. Not all of us can have the skill and equipment that the love of our life needs. For me, like you, I have accepted this and am grateful that her secondary is gifted in this regard.
 
Back
Top