New poly-relationship has me in crisis!

Danielsen, you need to relax, take a deep breath and know that she is not going anywhere. If she was she already would have. She shares everything with you....sometimes even things she knows you are uncomfortable with but it is to keep an open line of communication with you not having secrets kept from you and having you involved in all facets of her life. My wife and I have had a poly relationship and I do understand some of what your feeling but the benefits are worth it. Once the nre is over and things move into a more normal relationship you will find that everyone gets what they need. She will have 2 man that adore her for who she is, she gets the loving husband you have always been for her, the great sex you 2 have always had and a new sexual excitement from her boyfriend. That excitement believe it or not will benefit you in your daily life as well as in the bedroom. What you put into this you will get back 10 fold if you relax a bit. She may be one of those women that really needs a lot of love and sex to make her feel whole and desired. 12 years together has given you the upper hand in the poly relationship you in now as you 2 have a long history of life together. This new man makes her feel desired and loved in a way she forgot could be. Scheduling is going to be a challenge but can be worked out to where you have things you do when they are together and him doing the same when it's "your time". Don' know if this is making you feel better but I can tell you our poly relationship worked very well while it lasted. She would still be with him had he not left the relationship. We all benefited in our own ways.
 
Will things continue to get better? I don't know.

Hey man how's it going?
My relationship is going really well, my wife is wonderful and the only reason we're still together is because I know she still loves me and wants to be with me. I have come to a stage in this process where I can finally respect the other relationship as it's own beautiful thing. Besides that, we all get along so well the three of us; it is like I have another brother. It's awesome! The relationship with my wife and I as seen some huge leaps forward and we are emotionally reconnecting. I just have one struggle I am dealing with now. Our intimacy is not quite right yet and this makes me so insecure. Her and I were talking about it and she can't quite reconcile the NRE she's experiencing with him and familiar with me. It didn't help that our last encounter I came on a little strong due to feelings of insecurity. She was not quite into it because I was so different. We realized that I don't need to be different. Sure, she has learned a little more about what she likes and I can accommodate that, but I am afraid that our sex life will never return to normal. It is so confusing right now for the both of us. Every time we 're intimate and I give of myself to her, the pain is so unbearable when I see that she is less than satisfied especially when we both know that I use to be able to satisfy her in that way. This just dominates my mind right now. We have a plan I will be myself again in the bedroom but I am still concerned that I won't be able to satisfy her ever again. Even though everything else is going well and she says that we are good. I mean, she is really happy and content with this for the first time in a while as am I. Sex complicates things and I just want us to return to what has always worked for us and have us both equally be satisfied. Is there any hope for us? Am I just overthinking it all?
 
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Hi Danielsen,

I think you are still mourning the loss of your monogamous marriage, dreaming of how nice things used to be and just wanting to go back in time. Alas, we can't go back, we can only go forward.

When you say you can't seem to satisfy your wife "like before," by before do you mean before she started dating the other guy, or do you mean way back in the earlier days of your marriage?

If we go way back, we arrive at the time when you and your wife were experiencing NRE with each other. Just about all married couples have that experience, and then, when the NRE wears off, sex isn't as exciting anymore though it can still be pleasurable.

If we're just going back to before she started dating her boyfriend, then it could be NRE with her boyfriend that's casting a shadow over her sex with you. Again, NRE wears off after awhile, so it should be a temporary problem.

When you say "not satisfied," do you mean she doesn't enjoy sex with you anymore, or just that she can't climax, or just that her climax and enjoyment aren't as intense as they used to be? Basically, if she still enjoys sex with you, I'd say that's a good sign and encourage you not to worry too much about it. Even if she doesn't climax or it's not as intense. She still enjoys it; that's the point.

Now if she doesn't enjoy it, and/or if you'd like to spice things up with her (for whatever reason), then you and she might want to consider seeing a sex therapist together. Just screen prospective therapists to make sure they're poly-friendly.

We can't predict the future, we can only work on the here and now. Sex is often an emotional experience; it's even possible that you're feeling less confident these days or at least less confident about your place in her life. She might be feeling this lack of confidence when you're having sex and well, they say confidence is sexy so maybe insecurity is not so sexy? in which case you're caught in a vicious circle.

There's quite a few possible things that could be causing this difficulty you're having. But those are a few thoughts about what may be going on.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks for your reply man
Specifically speaking, I am referring to the time before she and her boyfriend started being intimate. As far as the sex is concerned she still climaxes several times so I satisfy her in that regard it is just she doesn't seem to be into it that much. Like we didn't cuddle afterwards she just got up and left. Usually there is a contentment on both our parts after sex. The sex wasn't earth shattering and I think it is really incredible right now for her and him. So I'm feeling insecure about that. I guess your right about the confidence thing. I thought that that meant I needed to take a more assertive role in the bedroom, but like I said that sort of backfired. The reason we were intimate recently was because I have been more confident and understanding it just didn't translate to the bedroom. She is not seemingly that concerned about it, like time will sort this out. I just can't get it out of my head that my wife is not satisfied with my performance. Probably over thinking it. I am an introvert and more introspective where she is an extrovert and less wrapped up in her emotions like me.
 
Have you come right out and asked her, "Are you dissatisfied with my sexual performance?" and if you did, what was her answer?

Re: cuddling after sex ... is that something you want/need in and of itself, or do you merely take it as a sign of whether the sex satisfied her? If it's something you want/need in and of itself, then I'd suggest you tell her so and ask for some cuddle time after sex. If you take it as a sign of whether the sex satisfied her, then I'd suggest you don't assume; ask her straight up. "When we don't cuddle after sex, does that mean you weren't satisfied with the sex?" She should have the chance to speak for herself on that matter, and know that you'll trust her to tell you the truth.

I'm thinking that more communication is needed here, not saying you aren't communicating, but I perceive you're possibly trying to read between the lines and you shouldn't have to do that. So, keep on communicating until you know for certain.

Re:
"She is not seemingly that concerned about it, like time will sort this out."

If she's not that worried about it, then surely things aren't as bad as you fear? If she was really unsatisfied with you then I think she would be concerned about it.

Re:
"I think it is really incredible right now for her and him."

Right, but NRE can easily explain that. Again, that's a temporary circumstance. NRE goes away after awhile. What I usually hear is that it usually takes about six to 24 months. And I know that sounds like a long time, but it's very different from something that's permanent.

Besides NRE, couples tend to have an ebb and flow to their sex lives. It is normal for sex to become not-so-earth-shattering for awhile. And even if it's permanent, don't you think your love and devotion for each other is the most important thing? Do you still love each other? Are you still devoted to each other? If so, then it's no surprise that she's not terribly worried about what goes on in the bedroom.

Are *you* satisfied with the sex? Can you understand that she still likes it, even if she's not raising the roof with her cries of ecstacy? Maybe it's just a different shade of satisfied ...
 
Very helpful points thank you.
I take the cuddling after as a sign of contentment, not that I require it. I enjoy the sex personally, but her demeanor after sex was not so positive and we talked about it right away as she was feeling confused about things afterwards. So there is definitely some underlying issue. She told me that she wants me to be me in the bedroom and as mentioned previously, I came on strong which was uncharacteristic of me. This left us in a bit of a funk all day. Today I'm still in that funk battling feelings of inadequacy and if we'll ever find our brand of intimacy again. She's positive though today, so clearly this isn't eating away at her. I hope I'll get a chance to make it right again. We do still love each other and we have been feeling closer she says she is still attracted to me and she is excited about how this will work out for all of us. I just botched things in the bedroom and I never have before, so I don't know how to feel like it's all going to be okay. I just feel like I am screwing everything up.
 
Re:
"Her demeanor after sex was not so positive ..."

Well the thing is, I don't put much stock in a person's demeanor; it could be (seemingly) not-so-positive for any number of reasons. I'm very big on the principle of communicating with direct words, not by subtle hints. Way too many misunderstandings can arise from hint-reading.

Re:
"... and we talked about it right away as she was feeling confused about things afterwards."

What things was she confused about? What did she say? Was she feeling negative, or just confused?

Re:
"Today I'm still in that funk battling feelings of inadequacy and if we'll ever find our brand of intimacy again."

Finding your brand of intimacy probably won't happen overnight. It's very tempting to read a lot into a less-than-perfect sexual encounter, but honestly, everyone has "off encounters," just like everyone has "off other things" (a bad day at the office, etc.). An occasional off-encounter isn't the bell of doom. You have the rest of your lives together to figure out what works for you.

Re:
"She's positive though today, so clearly this isn't eating away at her."

Take a page from her book. If she seriously hated that "off encounter," she wouldn't be feeling so positive now, would she? Wouldn't it be eating away at her too?

I suspect you're being way too hard on yourself. You're not required to be Superman in bed. As long as you're willing to keep trying and do your best, she will see your efforts and appreciate them. So hey, you tried something you thought would work well and it didn't work as well as you thought. That's okay. Everyone makes mistakes. It's how we learn; our brains *need* us to make mistakes.

Re:
"I hope I'll get a chance to make it right again."

I'd be shocked if you didn't. I doubt she's going to leave you over one wonky encounter.

Re:
"I just botched things in the bedroom and I never have before ..."

Heh, well then you're lucky. Many's the time I've botched things in the bedroom. But guess what. The lady still loved me and wanted to keep me, every time. Your lady will want to keep you too.

If it'll make you feel better, you can tell your wife, "Honey, I'm sorry I botched things in our last encounter. I hope you'll give me a chance to try to do better next time." I think you'll find that she's supportive of you, and maybe the apology will help things feel like they're already a little better.

I'll put it this way, I'd be disappointed with her if she wasn't willing to let you try again. When people love each other, they give each other second chances; they have patience with each other. Sex isn't an all-or-nothing deal, it's a learning process, just like everything else in life.

I suppose poly has shaken things up and because things are shaken up, now you have to re-learn how to do things in the bedroom ... which is a good thing, because you may end up being an even better lover than you were before poly came along. You just didn't realize there was more to learn until now.

Take a long, slow, deep breath, man. Things are going to be okay. One way or another, you'll be alright.
 
There is no law that says you need to share your wife. The great majority of husbands do not so don't think you are unevolved or selfish if you are not into it.

Poly is a life choice and not something that should be forced upon a spouse. I have never seen it end well when done like that. Our FFM Polyfidelitous relationship lasted 38 years. We first were friends with the same women since we were kids. We both were sexually attracted to her. We first had her visit us for weeks at a time as a guest to see how we all got along. Then we invited her to live with and have sex with us.

I am sorry but I see so much "cheating" posing as poly that it upsets me. A husband or wife has the hots for someone else and their poor spouse is left feeling that if he does not agree to a poly relationship, he/she will end up in a divorce. Plus when someone is hot about someone else, there is a good chance that they already had sex. Some women and men want their cake and eat it too. I just do not like the way your relationship is headed but if you can make it work, go for it.

Sharing your wife is not easy and there is jealousy and insecurity. No matter what your wife does, she cannot be in two places at once so automatically you will be seeing less of her and having less of her time, love and everything else. I also do not believe that a person can love everyone equally. If you have kids you say that, but there is always someone who is more like you that you secretly favor. I loved my girlfriend but loved my wife more and our gf knew that and accepted that.

Jealousy is an ancient and very powerful emotion so it is not wished away very often. What about if your wife gets pregnant and does happen despite the best precautions. What if the baby is his? Do you think she will leave you for him or do you think that you will raise him as if he was your own and be happy for the new parents who are even closer now that they had a child together. How about expenses? Is her new and exciting lover just going to be with your wife for only the fun and games part or is he going to help support her and your household. Would you be comfortable having to deal with the day to day stuff in any marriage while her lover is getting to have sex with your wife and not deal with what you have to deal with. Is that fair? It was an annoying issue with our girlfriend but was solved when she got married and her new hubby supported her.

There is a lot to think about. Don't feel guilty for having emotions. We are emotional creatures and they often are more powerful than our brains. You are what you are and you should not have to change that to accommodate someone's lust for someone else. Poly is not an easy lifestyle. Poly is not a more evolved relationship. It is just a different one.

Despite my 38 year FFM polyfidelitous triad which was heaven on earth, I do not recommend it for all. You need the right combination of people and I think it works best when all members love one another, have sex together and are not subject to jealousy and insecurities. My wife says she knows I will never leave her so I do not have to try to show her and our girlfriend equal attention. I never had insecurities because my wife also loved my girlfriend and spent more time with her than me because she likes the company of females. Even when our girlfriend got married, it did not bother me that I was now sharing her with another man. Our girlfriend accepted her role as the secondary lover in our marriage. We all knew our places and accepted them.

Out of curiousity have you asked your wife if she would be OK if you found another lover, someone you think likes you? Her reaction will say volumes about if she is into the poly lifestyle or just wants to be able to have sex with another guy with your permission. Both my wife and I are free to love others but we think it safer and better to limit ourself to those we both love. Good luck.
 
Thank you Kevin for all that you've said. I don't have a lot people I can communicate these delicate subjects with, so it means a lot. We are making positive progress I can assure you of that. I think we have come through the worst of it. (we almost divorced, but that's not how we deal with the challenges in our marriage). My wife is a wonderful woman who I perhaps don't give enough credit. Truth be told, if she wasn't the way she is supportive, attentive, understanding and loving, this would not work for me. This is changing us all in positive ways. The hardest part for me is dealing with uncertainty, if something is a little off I want resolution now, or else I just worry and can't focus. Unfortunately, like this matter, I have to let time fix. I just want to have good sex again so we can be all hunky dorry again, but I just need to be patient and not let my head play the what if game. Anyways thanks again, you have helped me through a lot. This whole community is unbelievably supportive.

Chris D.
 
Thank you Len51 for your perspective. Believe me I have struggled long and hard over the things you have addressed here. I know I am monogamous and don't want to share my wife but it's a sacrifice I'm more willing to make because of the positive benefits I have seen. This arrangement is not as black and white as you have portrayed it to be. This guy she is with is not some bum looking to score, he loves my wife and treats her very well they were good friends first. He has given her an addition to her life that I could never give myself and that is part of who she is. What has made our marriage work so well these many years is that we respect each others differences and we love each other for that. I have never felt her love for me fade since this thing began there are challenged yes, but I truly feel they are surmountable.

Chris
 
Hey guys I know it has been a while and things have been going along alright. I had a bit of a break down not to long ago feelings were hurt and my marriage almost ended but I located the source of the problem and we are on the road to recovery. My wife does not want to leave me and I don't want to leave her but she needs this in her life so I'm finally accepting it not without challenges still like today. The subject is sex surprise surprise I know but there are few things weighing on my mind. The other day my wife shared with me some sexual related things that she has learned about herself since being with this guy. Some preferences of hers. Now these things intrigue me and I want to know what makes her happy but what if I can't live up to her expectations in the bedroom. She has said to me that what her and I do has always been great and now she has learned a few other things that she wants us to try, but what if I can't do those things as well as he can how can she not be comparing us in this type of scenario? Makes me insecure. The other thing that doesn't leave my mind is I catch myself thinking about what there first time would have been like. I picture it in my head and it messes me up. I can just imagine him being so excited to see her naked body for the first time and wanting to do things with her. I don't want her to share her nakedness and sexuality with him. These thoughts are killing me and I can't study. Her body and sexuality has always been sacred to me and I have a hard time letting that go. Please help, I'm dieing here. :( How the hell do you ever let the sex stuff go?

Well it sounds like she's already doing that stuff with her other guy, could she just do that stuff with him and you and her can continue doing what you normally do? Seems pretty insensitive of her to start bringing this stuff up now. I get that she's happy and excited but she really needs to use some tact on what she is sharing at this point.

How about you tell her if and when you want to ask about their sex and their relationship you will. If you are in an emotionally stable place where you can say "honey, is there anything new in the bedroom you want me to try with you now is a good time to share " instead of just rubbing it in when you aren't ready, it's cruel and like rubbing salt in a wound. You need to heal before you can take more
 
And, why does she have to say "My BF did this, and it was awesome. You should do it, too!" That seems a bit insensitive, at best.

I don't talk about my sex in one relationship with my other relationships. It's none of their business. If there's something I want to try, whether it's because I read it in a book or because another lover of mine introduced it, I just try/suggest it--I don't need to provide a full background on the why and where I got the idea (and I wouldn't want my lovers to do so about their ideas). Can you ask her to do something more this, instead?
 
@ Len51 ... I lose the seniority contest because I can only claim nine years (not 38), but I am one arm in an MFM V (I'm not having sex with the other male), have had plenty of jealousy and insecurities, yet amazingly, here the three of us are, still together, and have every reason to expect that only death will do us part. We had to get through considerable drama during our first few years as a V, but the drama is 99% behind us and we now have a blissfully boring life together.

You seem to believe that your style of polyamory is the best way to do it, but you should expand your mind a little and see the wide range of poly models that operate successfully. Seven years of poly forum activity has opened my eyes to that reality. It's also acknowledged in many major books on poly, notably "Opening Up" and "More than Two."

The truth is, MFF triads are known (on this forum at least) for their spectacular rate of failure. You were arguably lucky that your MFF triad succeeded. But it's not about odds or statistics, it's about what will work for Chris, his wife, and her boyfriend. That's one specific case. And while all three of them are on a learning curve, it looks to me like they're making progress and will probably succeed.

@ Chris ... maybe you and your wife both thought some new techniques in the bedroom would spice things up, and maybe they would with practice? but in the meantime I think you've agreed to go back to the tried and true techniques, and maybe both of you feel confused about why something works for your wife's boyfriend if it doesn't work for you. The reason could simply be that because each person is unique, sex with each person will be unique as well. Which is a good thing. Why should sex with all people be exactly the same? I think sex is one of the ways we each express our unique personalities.

I admit I can't guarantee that everything will work out the way you want it to. But I do think there's good reason to hope at this point. The main challenges are NRE (which impairs your wife's good judgment), and your own tendency to wind yourself up imagining the worst that could possibly happen (until you feel sure that the worst will happen). I think experience is the best teacher here. Learning by trial and error.

As always, keep posting here and we can continue to offer up advice.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
One of the things my wife said that was confusing to her was the juxtaposition of the NRE with her boyfriend and the regular intimacy between us in the bedroom. She said she can't reconcile that in her head. I sure sensed it and even before things began she said she was having a little freak out about it. Omg omg! She says saying to herself. She was panicking about it. Even though we went through the motions of sex she just wasnt as engaged in it. I felt hurt by that and today I continue to struggle. I know she is just enjoying sex with him and I'm just complicated. God I can't handle it sometimes. I want things to be okay for us.
 
First of all, having jealousy and insecurities in a poly relationships is COMPLETELY natural and by no means excludes you from practicing poly. It is your willingness to have those feelings/thoughts, work on them, and get through it. I would even argue that most people who are in multiple relationships (or have partners in multiple relationships) feel some degree of jealousy. I also don't rank my love for Roger vs. Jack. They are different relationships. Chris, I think you are doing everything you need to be to make this work. It's just hard and takes time.

Secondly, I can understand where your wife is coming from. When I've been wrapped up in NRE with Jack, I know I can become a bit disconnected during sex with Roger. It's definitely gotten better over time and after spending loads of time reconnecting with Roger. I suspect this is part of the adjustment.

Lastly, I'll add that I think you would have worried how sex was for her no matter how great it was. Unless it was the best sex of her life, you worrying about things probably would have led you to nit-pick any aspect of it. To me, it goes back to you feeling insecure. On top of that, you were trying new things - and that can leave you feeling even less secure! I'm guessing she picked up on that and the pressure you place on yourself for having great sex every single time. I'd even go as far as to suggest that some of your beliefs about what it means to be a man are wrapped up in this. Think about it this way - if your average is GREAT, then there will be times that it's SPECTATULAR and times it is GOOD. So perhaps this was a good time, instead of great. Sounds like it's not eating away at your wife like it is for you, like Kevin noted.

Have you considered getting a counselor to work on some of your insecurities/fears/anxieties? Poly friendly preferably. I'm glad you found this space to talk about difficult things, but I wonder if having another avenue to get some support would be useful in addition.
 
Hi Chris,

It sounds like you and your wife both need to see a poly-friendly counselor. Your wife is having trouble reconciling the difference between two relationships, and you're having trouble with your confidence and self-esteem. You can always get help here (on the forum) and it's important that you do, but it's also important that you get a professional's perspective on things.

I wonder if monogamous conditioning is working on your wife's subconscious and telling her it's impossible to love two men intimately at the same time. Can she compartmentalize, just thinking about one of you at a time? Does she think she's supposed to think about both of you all the time? Can she think about both of you and still wrap her mind around the idea of just having sex with one of you?

It's certainly possible that NRE is causing her to have some kind of a disconnect with you, at least in the bedroom. One thing's for sure: If either of you "dropped the ball" in the bedroom, she did. She freaked out and couldn't relax. But, this isn't about "whose fault it is." I think you both need time to "get used to polyamory" and all that polyamory entails.

In the bedroom, the first thing both of you should do is exercise a lot of patience: patience with yourselves, with each other, and with the learning process. Don't be too quick to give up on your sex life and assume that all is lost. Things aren't hopeless, they're just different now. You have to get used to "different," and that takes time.

Yes, it would be mighty convenient if you could ride in a time machine and go back to when life was relatively simple and easy. But time doesn't go backwards. The can of poly worms has been opened, and can't readily be closed again. Perhaps you wish your wife could take a pill that would make her forget about poly, and make her forget about that other guy? but alas, no such pill exists.

I think things can be okay for you, if you don't give up. They just might not be okay *right now.* You have to try to let go for awhile, so that things can progress naturally as they will. Both of you have some difficult emotions to work through.
 
Okay, thank you for the advice. I am coming to the same conclusions in my head. More patience and understanding in the bedroom is definitely needed here. I'll try to pace myself cause I know that I am the most emotionally unstable one here.

Chrissy, thank you for your comforting insights, you remind me of my wife who is very dedicated to making this work for all of us and conscious of the emotional state of things. There is a lot of neivety on her part just because of her lack of experience with this but I am still here because I know she still loves me and wants me in her life. I'll try to be patient and maybe get out of the empty house for a bit.
 
I reckon getting out for a bit will do you some good. ;)

Remember, we're here to help. No matter what.
 
Glad it was helpful! :) I too remember being quite naive in the beginning (I didn't even know polyamorous was a "thing" for a couple years into my relationship with Jack!) One of the biggest things I did to correct that for myself was do lots and lots of reading - books, on this forum, articles. I've fallen in love with "More Than Two" and intend to read "Opening Up" next. They're both about navigating polyamorous relationships. I've heard "Ethical Slut" is another good one.

Above all, time has been my best friend. Time to grow, time to adjust, time to grieve the loss of the relationship I used to have when Roger and I were monogamous, time to look forward to the future!
 
Most, if not all, women have an incredibly increased libido with a new partner. They have sex a lot it it helps them to establish the new bond. Be aware that they are still struggling for something YOU have already. Therefore:

*Don't take the sex as a measurement about how well your relationship is.* And do force your wife to show you her love by the quality of sex she has with you! This will just create pressure for her and for you. Urge her to show you her attention with text messages - you mentioned she does not at the moment. That might have different reasons. Does she know in the meanwhile how important that is to you? Does she fear it hurts her new lover when she is texting you while she is with him? Tell her he also has take some bitter pills.

I am in very similar situation as yours. Wife falls in love and I proposed poly as a way of getting along. That was 3 months ago. She's having a LOT of sex with him and it made me quite uncomfortable the first weeks. I was counting their condoms. Outch. Anyway, my metamour is very unsecure - despite all the sex - because he feels that bond between my wife and me. I wonder how insecure your metamour is and how much your wife is regarding it and omits things for his sake that she should (and want) do for you, e.g. texting or .

Always keep in mind: the quality and survival of your relation is independent from theirs. Enjoy your part of the relation. Enjoy your sex - its fine if it is just 'ok'. I'd also suggest not to try new things now. Let her have these things with the new partner. Tell her she should enjoy it with him without bad conscious. You have a long lasting relationship already. There is plenty of time in some months to bring knew things into your bedroom.
 
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