H'ok So.....

Haha! I might be getting the Triceratops, but I don't know about the tyrannosaurus. :)
 
Way too much has happened in the last month for me to post about it all... but let me see what I can cover.

So The T-rex, baby t-rex, and 2 triceratops (I bought the box thinking it was 1 but apparently 2 were in the damn box, though I may have only paid for 1, soooo, score?) are STILL built and sitting in my living room. Yes... my living room. We built the T-rex when Peach, Joe, and Bug were up visiting and the weather was crummy, so I figured they'd go in the yard after that weekend, and they haven't made it out there yet. So I think Fri I'll somehow fit the T-rex out the French doors now that I mowed the lawn last night.

Sudo finally had a big talk with Dancer about expectations and that she was asking for too much and that he'd overcommitted more than he could handle and wasn't happy, so he backed their dates off from 2 and sometimes 3 per week, to 1 date a week with the possibility for more if he feels like he can make it work and their schedules line up (so I guess that would be more spontaneous. She was pretty upset about it, but I've seen her since then as she came to a poly women's hangout thing that I hosted and things were cool between us. So I'm just kinda rolling with it. She's started dating some new dude and still does kink play dates with others, so I'm hoping that she just focuses her attention elsewhere and that will stop making her feel like she needs Sudo to be able to do all the things? Plus, I think she'll be happier if she doesn't just have to rely on him in addition to her husband.

Things with Metal are staying kinda casual and fun. We message throughout the day and only see each other about once a week, which is working well for me. I'm gonna have another date night with him tomorrow night since Sudo is out of town all this week on work travel (RCT is also gone all week for work so the house has been weirdly quiet).

The worst news I have to share is that at my last date night with Mr. Hyde a week ago, he let me know that his wife has still been super emotionally volatile with all of the poly stuff, to the point where he's not sure that he can continue the way things are and something has to give. Which obviously would mean me. We talked about what's been going on and he asked for my thoughts on the situation. Ultimately he proposed that we sorta re-assess at our next date night, since it was going to be another 3 week gap in between them. If things didn't seem to be improving, then our conversation would potentially turn to us taking a break while he and Mrs. Hyde sort things out. Maybe she'd be trying some therapy, etc. So basically, I was devastated without being fully devastated since we haven't actually broken up. It's been a week and I just checked in today and there's been no new drama since he and I talked, so he's feeling optimistic that we don't have to go there with the break stuff. But I think the day of date night will be the real tell. Is she suddenly getting all emotional and can't handle it that day? So basically I've been in this weird place where I'm trying to hope, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

If it were any other guy that I was just seeing once every 2 weeks or so I'd have walked away long before now, but fuck if we don't mesh insanely well in our D/s style, kinks, sexual desires, etc. (specifically within the roles that we play to each other, that is). It's sooooo hard to find someone that you find really attractive, are compatable in frequency, enjoy the same kinks to a close degree, and that person is insanely good at reading body signals, etc to make scenes go smoothly and be very pleasurable. The right combo of the things that he is would just be sooo hard to find. And I want HIM. We work. There's nothing wrong with our connection and dynamic, except that his primary can't seem to keep her own emotions from spilling out all over him in a way that makes him want to throw his hands in the air because he can't really enjoy it anymore. Sigh.

And of course all of this has just made me sooo sooo grateful for having Sudo in my life. I mean, fuck, no matter what drama he and I may have going on with other people in our lives, and occasionally even each other.... he's my fucking rock. We love each other no matter what and we always want each other. He makes me feel good about myself and I think and certainly hope I do the same for him. We still have amazing sex years into the relationship and things don't feel boring or stale. We're building this beautiful life together. And sometimes he frustrates the hell out of me, but then most of the time he's just so damn adorable and I wanna hold him and squeeze him and cuddle him and kiss him until both of us have to come up for air.

Oh, and did I mention that the roof got replaced? So yeah, there went over $17K that we hadn't been expecting to spend. Well, haven't spent it yet since technically it will be in next month and the month after's credit card payments based on when they charged the 2 payments and billing cycles. But still. Yikes!

So yeah, lots of stressful shit going on, but I'm surviving, and hoping that all my loves pull through happy and things turn out for the best.
 
Sudo finally got back Sat afternoon after being away for a whole week on a work trip. I'm SOOO glad he's back. We both missed each other a ton, though I can tell that for Sudo it's a much more painful separation. He was so happy to be back, and then on top of that for us to have felt like we've had some breakthrough work on our D/s dynamic stuff in the last few days, that he's just kinda had to take a break and get all emotional and teary a few times since all the feels have just been hitting him at once.

It's both satisfying to see how invested he is in me and how devoted he is to us, and yet terrifying to feel like someone might be so dependent upon me. This is something that came up when we were at Summer Camp a while back and went to a discussion group on D/s stuff that talked about how it's important to know what you would do in the event that your dynamic DID end, because for many who get heavily involved in D/s, there is an extra level of pain by losing not just your partner, but your Owner/Master/etc. If this person controlled many aspects of your life because you were 24/7 to an intense degree, then it can feel much more like a child being orphaned than a person just losing a partner.

Not that I have plans on anything happening to us (though it was discussed in the context of the fact that it doesn't have to be a breakup, what if a partner was lost in an accident?). But it's just scary to think of that level of dependency for someone who is naturally independent like I am. Not that I wouldn't be devastated if I lost a partner. And a million times so if Sudo and I didn't make it. I mean, fuck, I don't even want to think about the possibility. My point is just that seeing someone be REALLY upset just because you were apart for a week emphasizes how much this person NEEDs you, not just how much they want you. Though I do love that he's been expressing to me more how much he wants me too :)

Our discussions about the relationship stuff have been amazingly productive. We talked about some things that have and haven't been working and reviewed our contract and updated the supplemental documents. We have a main contract that is sorta the basic stuff, a supplement where we outline more specifics like what the rules are for high protocol on the occasion when we do that (with the idea that this document will be more likely to change over time as I may add or change rules to my liking) and then we created a 3rd doc that is less about rules and more just a running list of some ideas. Things we're interested in trying, ideas for punishments, funishments, predicament tasks, etc. Something that either of us can update or refer to when we're just looking for some inspiration or the types of things that we enjoy playing around with.

On top of that, he created a spreadsheet of some of the various kinks, activities, and toys that we use now and using a table, rated them from 0-3 on a scale within different categories like whether that thing feels teasing, humiliating, is more prone to push him toward/over the edge of orgasm, distracting, calming, deepens his headspace, etc. We've struggled to find effective ways for Sudo to communicate how things make him feel since he's not always great with his words. So this was something where I gave him the categories, and the type of info I wanted to know about the activities, and he came up with the spreadsheet chart and ranking. I feel like it was a good way for me to get more feedback from him on the types of play that we've been doing lately so that I can better tailor future play and scenes to get the effect that I want. Of course, a good deal of the responses are things I can already know just from reading his body language and reactions when we play. But seeing him rank things with numbers put a bit more nuance to it, and is a good starting point for me to be able to build on. Plus, I feel like I could turn it into a pretty "fun" game where I do the things and if his responses don't match the way he ranked them, I could totally use it as an excuse to "punish" him for "lying" muahahahaha.

Also, OMG, yesterday afternoon we got Mr. T (my new name for the giant T-rex skeleton) and the baby rex and the 2 triceratops all put out in the yard. I covered the mailbox, 3 tree trunks, and 1 smaller tree from our front yard in spider webbing and a few little plastic spiders. Then I hung some rubber bats from 2 trees that are next to the sidewalk so that trick-or-treaters will have to walk under the bats when they go by the house, and we put out 4 of those Styrofoam tombstones. I'm pumped for Halloween this year!! Inside I didn't do much, but I put some stackable fake pumpkins on the hearth, plus some gourds on the mantle.

I also treated myself to 2 dozen red roses when I was at Costco on Fri. They were on sale, and super pretty!

I'm feeling pretty good about life right now. Things with Sudo and I are great! I have a date night with Metal on Wed, and I finally have another date night with Mr. Hyde on Sunday, and during my last check-in there had been no drama with Mrs. Hyde since our last big talk, so he's been feeling optimistic and now I'm feeling more and more like our date night can just be a date night and won't be another big talk or possible break. I'm trying not to get too excited in case she freaks out the day/weekend of and it turns into a set-back. But I really want things to work out and go back to being the smooth, steady thing that we had for such a long time that everyone was happy with.

So yeah, maybe the shit is finally done hitting the fan? Or at least calming down? *shrug*
 
OMG, Sudo and Dancer are finally breaking up on Thurs. I'm SO relieved. Sudo has known it was headed that way and I think he was basically planning to do it the next time they could see each other, and I saw from a private FB group post that Dancer was clearly preparing for a breakup convo... so at least it's mutual and really just a matter of which one opens their mouth first.

Sudo hasn't had a real date with her in like 2 months. Every get together has been processing, him babysitting her during a breakdown, or some bullshit drama. I know that he'll still hurt from the loss of a relationship that at one point was very loving and seemed like it had serious potential. But holy fuck did she turn out to be a hot mess that likes to unilaterally set expectations without talking them through with her partners well. The last straw being that they were supposed to have a date night last Sunday night when I also had one. She demanded that Sudo promise that he wouldn't leave their date if I had an emergency and that I basically agree not to ask him to come home. I already had zero reason to expect to do so seeing as Mr. Hyde and I were doing fine and I had checked in with him, but even if we had a break convo, I was aware of that risk and wouldn't have been so caught off guard. Sudo was basically like "No. If I'm just on a fun date and a partner asks me to provide support because they're SO distraught that they reach out, I'm going to support them. Because I trust my partner enough to know that I wouldn't be asked that over something trivial considering how rarely that happens (I've literally asked him once in the entire 3 years we've dated, it just happened to be when they were out, though I wouldn't really call it much of a date since Scott had a friend and employee there, and he was packing up to head home when I asked anyway, which I knew he would be... but whatever)." He thought it wasn't ok that she even expected that, which I agree. One partner being in emotional crisis mode is kinda more important than just chilling with another partner. Certainly if that sorta shit is really rare. On top of that, she's been blasting shit on FB in a private non-men poly group, some of it being damn near lies, at minimum twisting things to sound like a victim. And while names aren't used... the poly community is only but so big. So just, ugh, to all that. Who's got time for that nonsense? Good riddance!

Meanwhile, Sudo and I are doing swimmingly. We've been talking lots about the D/s stuff and just trying to incorporate it more into our everyday lives. We've managed to go to more kink events lately, which I find always helps to reinforce things. We both just can't get enough time with each other. It never feels like too much, or like we need more solo time. In fact, it means we really have to make efforts to fit in time to work on personal projects or things of that nature. Sudo especially has lots of projects that he needs to work on since he's hoping to start his own business. But I think he's figuring that with Dancer out of the picture, he just won't try to date for a while until he can clear some projects off his plate. Seems reasonable, and I think he's probably just going to want a break from dating anyway while he processes the end of a relationship. I'm sad that he's sad about all that... but I'm not sorry to never have to get sucked into her bullshit anymore. Ultimately, when he's ready, I really do hope that he'll put himself back out there and that he finds someone that will treat him better, but also that just has better alignment of wants/needs.

My last date night with Mr. Hyde went awesomely. It got postponed by a few days get again... but because one of his kids and then his wife got lice (ugh, school) and it was just discovered that day, so not worth spreading. But when date night finally happened I got put through my paces and thoroughly used, which is what i really need every so often. It just feels like it scratches an itch, ya know? On top of that, when he arrived for the date, Mrs. Hyde called not realizing he had arrived, so they just spoke for no more than a minute and when he got off the phone, he said "Mrs. Hyde says Hi!" Which just made me feel awesome since I felt like it really meant there was some progress there and she's feeling much better about things. Apparently she's started seeing someone that things seem to be working out with, so I think that is helping her to be able to see things from the other side and just makes processing feels easier. Plus it means that FINALLY she's reaping the benefits of ENM vs just being the one always processing while her partner gets all the fun. So I can see why that would really change things.

Work is picking up and I have so much to do before I leave for vacation. Sudo and I are going to Cancun the week of Thanksgiving and will return late the Monday after. I can't wait to get away! More updates later whenever I manage to find time...
 
I'm getting terrible at posting updates.

Things are well in poly-land for me. Sudo and I aren't perfect, but we're good. We're working on mostly the same old, same old. I've put my foot down and will be helping him to find a therapist to work on some of his own stuff. And mainly we're just navigating his feels with me dating. I worried that it would get worse with his break-up, and it did just a little bit, but I think that was more of a temporary spike during his grieving period. Mainly, I think he just needs to work on his self-esteem and realize that he is desirable and datable and it's not impossible for him to date, even if it is easier for me than for him. But none of that is new, just continued processing.

Outside of that, we had an absolutely fantastic vacation. Food was amazing, sex was amazing. We danced, lounged, I read several books. We didn't think about work. We even met another really cool D/s couple from the Denver area that were awesome and we exchanged info with them and have kept in touch via email. Hopefully we'll stay in touch and maybe we'll even see them again on future vacations, or when we go out to Denver to visit Sudo's brother and sister-in-law some day we can visit them too. We'll probably need the break to go for a good steak since his brother's family are vegetarian! ha!

In the meantime, Sudo and I just went to a play party at a friend's place. It was gods and goddesses themed and I went as Medusa.... because I make men hard as a rock. LOL. I wore a skimpy gold dress, made an awesome gold snake headpiece, and had makeup around my face that looked scale-like because I put a hair net over my face and then put makeup over it to leave little lines in the makeup! The party was a great time and we didn't get home until 4:30 in the morning. We even ended up having a little impromptu spanking scene with another woman there at the party who is also a Domme. She had fun getting to play with Sudo, he LOVED being topped by 2 women, and they exchanged info and have been texting and such. So I'm excited for him that he might already this quickly have found someone that he can slowly develop something with. I super hope that it works out for him because this woman is probably a MUCH better fit for what he'd be looking for. She's not new to ENM and already knows who she is and what she wants, so he doesn't have to deal with someone still figuring their shit out and changing so much. On top of that, even though she's a Domme, she doesn't really go to the public play spaces because she's triggered by seeing rope suspension with female bottoms.... and that is just EVERYWHERE in the play spaces. So there would never have to be a bunch of contention about her and I both wanting to go with Sudo to kink events, cause that's not her jam. On top of that, she's not really looking for a super time intensive relationship. Maybe not even a super emotionally intensive one. She likes to know her partners and form connections, but she's not going to be looking for a partner that she gets to see days and days per week. So she's not going to be asking Sudo for more than he's able to give. If anything, the opposite might be more likely.... that he would want to see her more often than maybe she would have time for. But Sudo is super busy right now with trying to start his business... so really that's probably a good thing. His last relationship with Dancer has him worried about rushing things, so it sounds like now with this new woman, they're both busy enough that it will force things to go at a slow pace. Of course, this is even assuming that things go anywhere! I'm really jumping ahead of myself, but I'm happy for him! Hell, I didn't even feel any weird Domme competition when we were playing with him together, which is a feeling that cropped up with Dancer occasionally... mostly because I knew she wanted to go to all these things that I wanted to go to with Sudo, and so it created this atmosphere of competition that I really didn't like.

Anyway, her and her house-mates hold a weekly happy hour on Wed every week, and I haven't gone yet but have wanted to for a while and now I think we're going to try and go this wed so we can see their new house (they all just moved into this house that they're renting within the last few months) and socialize.

On top of that, I met sooo many cute guys at the play party and flirted. I've been chatting up 1 of them ever since and he seems really cool.... but FUUUUCCKKK I don't have time for another partner. Plus, he lives far enough away that it would be really damn inconvenient to date. Though we do both work in the same city, just live in the burbs on opposite sides outside of said city. I dunno, I'm not gonna stop talking to him just because of all of that.... but I'm going to be hesitant to start up anything romantic. And if I do, I really can't see it being anything more than a super occasional thing. Not something where we're planning weekly dates or Dog only knows what else. Hell, I'm still working out juggling the 3 people I have!

Speaking of my 3 people. I already covered Sudo... I'm not entirely sure where things are at with Metal. Not bad, but we've both been busy and at the same time, so many of our date nights have been on a kid night where we have work the next day that the ENTIRE time we've been dating we've only had sex twice. TWICE. Granted... there was 1 night were we attempted and he had some issues, so we sorta just gave up cause it wasn't happening. We've done a few things to try and work through this. 1, we had a scheduling convo. That came up because we planned a date night for the Friday after I got back from vacation and he never explicitly said anything about an overnight so I assumed it wasn't. I never said anything and he just assumed that since it wasn't a work night, that I was staying. I didn't realize until I was there and he said something about him having to leave to run an errand early the next morning that he thought I was staying over. OOPS! So we talked about communicating the intent better, but also about me possibly planning some of my telework days around when I could do an overnight with him on a week night as 1 way to make week night dates easier. We also talked about him coming to my place and even staying the night at my place on week nights in the future if it wasn't a kid night and after he and his ex finally get before school care worked out. Right now their son is on the wait list, so his ex drops their son off early in the mornings and Metal takes him to school and just goes into work later since his hours are flexible. But it means that he has to be home every single school morning! So yeah, I think we're sorta still trying to find a balance of what works for us with scheduling and getting adult time. But also, I'm looking into picking up some female condoms to see if trying those might help out a little bit since there are some issues with the way regular condoms kill some sensation and maybe cause a bit of performance anxiety.

However, on that front, he started dating a new person recently and they have SUPER hit it off and been spending TONS of time together. Like 4 and 5 days a week from the sound of it. So maybe in the past few weeks he's had enough sexual encounters that some of the mental aspect of that performance anxiety is gone. I think I'm going to pick up a few female condoms just to have as options as an in case. But I'll see where things end up with regular ones as well. I kinda hope that things are ok with regular ones cause damn female condoms are expensive! At any rate, we have a date night again this Friday and it's confirmed by BOTH of us that it's an overnight. So that will be fun! And then the next day I have to get home because Sudo's brother and SIL are coming up to see her parents that also live in this area, but they're going to stay the first night at our house so they can visit with us. I've met them twice now when we got together for lunch the past 2 Christmas seasons. They seem really cool from the bit that I know them, so I think it will be a nice visit!

The following night on Sunday, I have a date night with Mr. Hyde. Things are back to being good with him and I'm not feeling any lingering instability because of Mrs. Hyde issues. So that's good. Though it makes me wary as to whether that will last. But I'm just happy that he's no longer feeling so stressed about it and can just enjoy his relationship with me. He's done a much better job lately of using his words to reassure me that I'm important to him and he values our dynamic, which definitely helps me to feel more secure with all of that.

Shit, gotta run, more to come later... eventually.... tomorrow? who knows.
 
Bleh, I have SO much work to do but most of it is in a system that is down and being fixed, so I can't!

Guess I'll just write here!

Things are still going well. My weekend was great. The overnight with Metal was fun. We watched a movie, played with his son, went to bed and had some sexy times... though no PIV (that's generally not her thing). Then we talked until way too late. I got more of the backstory on where things are at and how they got there with his new partner. Still super happy that he's meshing so well with someone that seems to really have good future nesting partner potential. And in turn, I could tell that he was really happy that I liked her and was happy for him. He's not the jealous type and I'm generally not either, so it just works out really well. In the morning, we had breakfast and then both went our separate ways. I think at this point I won't see him until after Christmas since we both have busy weeks and family things happening.

Then Sat evening Sudo's brother and SIL arrived to stay with us for a night. We went out to sushi for dinner and it was delicious. Spent lots of time talking about crypto-currency, the political and socio-economic climate, Sudo and his brother's parents, and the rental/vacation property that Sudo's brother recently bought and are renovating (and all the things we've done with our place). It was great to catch up with them since we really only ever see them like once a year when they're up our way for the holidays to visit her grandparents and family. HOWEVER, Sudo definitely drank too much. He was fine until it was close to bedtime for all of us and then I suddenly noticed that he was definitely tipsy and it was kicking in. So he and I went to bed and he ended up being emotional. It was like... spillover from my date night the night before? I have no idea. It got to the point of him having a full blown panic attack and eventually getting sick. I basically decided that he's cut off from alcohol other than the rare single drink here and there until he gets into therapy. While I'm certainly not concerned that he's an alcoholic or anything, I don't really like that when he *does* drink, he doesn't seem to do a very good job of being self aware of when he needs to stop. Some people's bodies have a weird tipping point of when it goes from ok to just too much, while other's have that happen more gradually. Sudo doesn't seem to have it happen gradually and I'm just not interested in being around it or dealing with it when I had an alcoholic father. I don't want him to just not pay attention and get to that point, or be using alcohol as a means to calm his anxiety or whatever when what he really needs is therapy. So, I was irritated with that, but mostly felt bad that he's having so much anxiety right now that it's causing these issues. I think that this week I'll be making sure that he calls some places and gets an appointment set up.

The next morning, however, everything was fine. He was feeling ok and we all chatted in the morning before his brother and SIL had to leave to go see her family. Then later last night we both had our date nights. My date night with Mr. Hyde started later than I'd expected and the time seemed to just fly by, but it was still a good time. The sex was amazing, as always, and then we got to just cuddle and talk about our lives. I updated him on my weekend and all the compersion happening with Metal and Sudo's dating lives. And he told me that unfortunately things just ended between Mrs. Hyde and the guy she was seeing. Fortunately she's slowly building things up with another woman, so I'm hoping that between that and some other potential interests she doesn't slip back into a cycle of feeling really negative about Mr. Hyde's date nights with me. So I'm a bit nervous about all of that, but trying to remain cautiously optimistic.

Later on, Sudo returned from his date night and told me all about it. He had a good time and got to talk to New Girl a lot about their dating styles and partners, their likes and dislikes, etc. They played some and did some sexy stuff in between all of that after they'd returned from dinner. She also confirmed my question that she'd enjoy being sent pics that I take of Sudo when we're playing, so of marks, or whatever. She even mentioned that she'd be interested in watching us play.... though personally I'd rather us both Domme Sudo at the same time than just have someone sit back and watch. I'm not so much a fan of being watched when it's super blatantly obvious. like.... at least when we're in the public playspaces everyone is busy doing their own thing and the music is going, etc. So sure, there might be some people standing around sorta watching you, but they're off to the side and it's easy to not focus on them. But in my own house? It would feel weird to me with just the 3 of us to know that someone was just off to the side watching. Granted, I'm sure she'd be keeping herself busy. haha! But still, I'd rather be playing together and have us both get to interact with Sudo and watch how each other interacts with Sudo. And I'm certain that she'd be totally up for that and probably like that option even more. So something I'll have to keep in mind as things progress.

Anyway, Sudo is currently feeling really happy, and I can tell that he appreciates how supportive I am of all of this. I know he feels bad about the fact that "I'm better at this than he is." .... his words. But I wish he didn't, cause the guilt just piles even more bad feelings on top of every thing. BUT, hopefully this is 1 of many things that can get addressed in therapy. And I do know that he's working on it. But it's been a painfully slow process. I'm hoping therapy will kick things up a notch and really help him figure out how to process the feelings that he already says are irrational and don't make sense, but can't seem to get to go away.

So progress, and mostly good things. But also some work happening.
 
General good stuff happening all around.

Sudo is out with New Girl again tonight. They're meeting up with a few of her friends and going to the Zoo Lights. He's never been, so that's cool. I've seen them in past years and it's a fun time! I'm thinking I'll have to name her soon. I'll give that some thought before my next post. I'm appreciating that this person is super chill and been ENM for a very long time, so she knows what she's doing, what she wants, and doesn't feel the need to rush things. She checks in and isn't overly dramatic. This is exactly the type of person that both of us like having as partners and metas. It's nice to finally not feel any stress at all over the person that Sudo is dating!

She's also going to come to a game night that we're hosting tomorrow. We're part of a poly FB group of local people that is based around people posting events. So I created one for a game night to just get people together for a chill evening. Looks like including us and our roomie, we're going to have up to 15 people over! Woo! Hopefully everyone has a fun time and this becomes the start of a semi-regular thing.

Today is also my last day at work until after the new year! Technically I will be taking my laptop home and have some work to do here and there during the break, but at least it will be from home and at my leisure. So no commute and no 6AM wake up for a week and a half, woo! I'm thinking though, that I might still try and set my alarm for like 8am and try to get up by then almost every day just so that I don't have a hell week when I come back from the holidays and go back to early mornings. Ugh, I am so not a morning person.

So tomorrow I need to go shopping to get stocking stuffers, a few more gifts, and a costco run. Then game night, then Sat will be more holiday prep and we're taking RCT to the airport and he'll be gone for another 2.5 weeks. I swear it's so nice having a roommate that travels a lot and allows us to still have the house to ourselves a lot. OOO, maybe I'll drive his Tesla up to my mom's for Christmas!!

Over the break, besides still needing to do a bit of work, my main focus when I'm not doing family shit and having some "us" time with Sudo, is to get some house projects done. As it is, we need to replace our garage door springs before RCT leaves (he's helping) since 1 of them snapped. We ordered the parts and just need to do the actual work. The unfinished part of the basement is a hot mess that never really got organized after the move. It's just a dumping ground for decorations, costumes, cleaning supplies, the treadmill, and dog knows what else! We have some shelving set up down there, but it's just not really organized, so the goal is to get that all straightened up. We also ordered some new seals for the french doors and a door sweep for our bedroom door. I swear, after ripping up the carpet on the second floor and putting in hard wood floor there is a 1 inch or more gap under every bedroom door. Talk about lack of privacy!! So we're putting a door sweep on ours to test it out and see how it does before deciding to order more.

We also finally just made a run to the county recycling center to take containers of old cooking oil, junk lamps, the old electrical hardware, etc to all be disposed of. Fortunately everything was able to go to various recycle piles and nothing went to the actual dump! The house is getting closer to being decluttered of various crap from the move. It's pretty exciting! I'm also hoping to take some measurements and start plotting out ideas for how we'd like to re-do the back patio in the spring so that we can budget that out. We actually want to bump out the side fence in our back yard so that more of the back yard is fenced in, and the patio will be larger. We're also downsizing some of the landscaping since it's just excessive and hard to maintain, while at the same time I want to convert half of a larger flowerbed into a slightly raised garden area (complete with rabbit fence) so that next year I can make a more solid attempt at gardening. What I'd REALLY love is to maybe even trench in a garden hose over there to make watering it easier.... but that may not be in the cards, or may just be a future year thing.

The garage is also in serious need of organizing. Mr. T (giant 8 ft. skeleton T-rex from halloween) and the other dinos all need to be better sorted into their boxes and put up on the ceiling rack so they're not taking up floor space, and the guys' tools seriously need to be organized instead of strewn all over the damn place! I have a feeling all the to-do list things that we want done aren't going to get done over the break, but I at least like knowing what's on the list and trying to get done as much as possible!
 
Lots of great things happening all around.

I've been off work since COB Thurs last week, though I did just do a few hours of things here at home tonight. I'll have some other work to do off and on but nothing major.

We hosted a game night on Fri night and around 15ish people were there. We played several games, Ticket to Ride (I didn't play but others did, I was playing something else), some dance mix game, some old game from 1918ish about commodities, exploding kittens, and others. Much food was had and everyone seemed to have a great time. Sudo's new partner, I'll call her Goddess since that's the honorific that she prefers during play, was able to come later in the evening and Sudo even got some private play in with her at the end of the night after everyone had left except for a friend or 2 that I sat around talking with.

The following day I finished with gift wrapping, slept in late, and eventually took RCT to the airport. He'll be gone now for about 2.5 weeks, so we get some time at home to ourselves again for a while. It really is what makes him a good roommate. Even when he's home his bed time is way earlier than ours, so we socialize with him during dinner and such, but then still get alone time once he goes to bed!

Sadly, on Christmas eve we woke up and Sudo had to work (remotely, so just working from our office) to deal with some technical issues at work that he was getting emails about.... and it turned into him working ALL DAY. So I vegged out and never even took off my fluffy robe and just watched netflix and HGTV all day. It was a relaxing day, but not the couples day that we'd been hoping for.

Christmas rolled around and we drove up to my mom's first thing in the morning. My Grandpa was already there, and my brother and SIL had arrived up from NC the night before, so they were there as well. We did our stocking and gift exchange and just talked and had a good time. I think everyone was super happy with the gifts they got, and we all pigged out on way too much food between eating cinnamon rolls (Christmas morning tradition), a hot brunch/lunch, and then a light dinner... with candy and junk food sprinkled throughout.

I ended up with some cool fingerless mitten thingies, earrings, gift cards, a garden flag pole and flag, king size sheets (had asked for a set), wine, some little dinosaur 3D puzzles, bath bombs, and some various other things. It was great! I ended up doing all the shopping for my mom from me, Sudo, my brother, and my SIL. So I wrapped all the gifts and tagged them all and my bro is just gonna pay me back. She got the few things she had needed plus more. And my brother and SIL and Grandpa were all happy with their gifts too. I don't recall if I noted on here before, but Sudo and I opted to just buy ourselves a massage table as a joint gift to ourselves. We haven't used it yet due to the work shit and things that have been screwing up our down time, but hopefully soon!

Today, I drove back up to near hometown to meet with my girlfriends from high school and we got together for lunch and made our annual holiday ornament as a project. The 2 that have kids had their kiddos along, but we gathered at the mom's house of 1, so we still got to sit around and catch up, which was great! I miss spending as much time with them as we all used to before everyone got married and started popping out babies, but it's still nice to make sure we get to have these periodic get togethers and stay in touch.

Once I got back home I had a few hours of work to do, which I did, and now I'm just clacking away on the computer while Sudo works on his... still trying to fix his urgent work issues. I feel bad since at best Sudo is running super late for his date and at worst it's being cancelled because of his work stuff. Which is a bummer since Goddess is having a rough time right now and probably moving out of the house she is renting with roommates because 1 of them is being really horrible... and these were all people she considered friends. So I know that she was probably hoping to have a fun evening to help take her mind off of all that. Hopefully he's done soon and can jet over there for at least a little bit.
 
You'd think I'd have managed to find more time over my break to post more... but I'm lazy. Actually, I just hate the idea of using my phone to make posts and I actually barely spend any time on the computer at home since I'm on it all day at work.

Anyway, I can happily report that Sudo DID manage to make it out for the date that he was possibly going to cancel. He left an hour or 2 later than planned so it was a short date, but Goddess and he had both had rough days, so I encouraged him to go, even if it was for a short bit as I thought it would cheer them both up. He was surprised that she still wanted him to come over, but I wasn't!

In the days after Christmas, I had a great lunch date with some girlfriends from high school and we made our annual holiday ornament for the year while eating lunch and catching up. So that was a good time. This year my SIL provided the materials for us to make these Santa ornaments out of wooden spoons, ribbon, beard looking material, and puff balls. They turned out pretty cute. My brother and SIL also stayed at my place their last night before heading back to NC since it shortened their drive the next day. It was interesting having both them as well as Peach in the house at the same time. They had never actually met her the entire time that she and Sudo were together while he and I were dating. But she was up staying with us for 2 nights because her and Sudo finally had the court date for their divorce. That was on the 28th, and the paperwork has already been mailed back showing that the divorce was finalized on the 29th by the courts. We ended up going out for mexican to.... celebrate? lol. Not really celebrate, but it was hilarious that me, Sudo, his now ex-wife, and one of her ex boyfriends that we've all managed to stay or rebuild friends with (Boris from previous posts) were out to dinner the night of the divorce. Peach joked that their first dinner date was mexican, so they should end how they started. I will say, I do love that everyone can still be close and humorous about the whole situation.

The weekend of NYE, Sudo and I had all these plans for all the fun sexy times. We were going to go to a dungeon on Fri and then again for NYE, and both nights we bailed and just stayed home. And then my family reunion got cancelled on Sat because the roads were icy from a snow/rain mix. Basically, we did so much entertaining the first part of the break, and then Sudo kept having to work... that we were just burnt out by the latter half and were enjoying some quiet time at the house to ourselves. I don't have any regrets about it at all!

This week has been another busy week. Sudo's been working a ton, though he did manage to get in another date night with Goddess. My date plans with Mr. Hyde got pushed a week to this coming Sunday due to the holidays and work craziness, and I also didn't get to see Metal at all during my week off or this week, so we're going to get together next Monday.

And holy shit y'all, the weather has been brutally cold. I'm so over winter! On top of that, I just have soooo much work to do. This month and maybe even the next several months are not going to be enjoyable :(

Sudo leaves tomorrow morning early to go to a major convention center/hotel south of our city for a big work meeting. He'll be there through next Friday, though he's hoping to be able to be home 1 of those nights and have other staff cover things. I'm also hoping that I can go stay with him a night or so during the latter portion of the meeting when things are hopefully less crazy. So in the meantime, I'm going to take the opportunity to work extra this weekend, probably work later some nights next week, and then either have date nights or go out to happy hours and shit like that. Plus, my SIL is back up for this whole week for work (she works remote from NC full time but they want her back up here in the office for a week ever 4-6 weeks). Her and my brother have their townhouse up on the market to be rented, and my house is only about 15-20 min from her work, so she's going to stay with me! And on top of that... it's the week leading up to our birthdays! Her is on the 13th and mine is the 14th, so it will be nice to have some time with my BFF just her and I like we used to always hang out as kids.

Other side note... I purchased a lottery ticket for both the powerball and the mega millions. I realize that wasting money on lottery tickets is stupid given the crazy long odds. It's not something I do regularly, but sometimes when the pot is up in the hundreds of millions I'll pick up a ticket just because it makes it that much more fun to fantasize about what I'd do if I ever won the lottery. And since both are over $400M right now, I just got 1 of each! I used to always say that I wouldn't quit my job right away, but with this commute in the cold I damn well might! Eh, I dunno, I guess maybe I'd TRY to stick it out until the end of the big negotiation that I'm working on. But then I'd peace out and do other things.

First things first would be a massive remodel of the house. I'd gut and re-do the kitchen, bathrooms, main level floors, and then repaint the main level and basement. I'd widen the driveway, redo the back patio including changing the fence lines of the back yard, get a hot tub, and get all new landscaping (in addition to just getting a damn lawn service). I'd probably even see about upgrading the HVAC so that we had 2 units instead of 1 to better control the temps between the 1st and 2nd floors on the house.

All of those things are technically on the house to-do list (other than the HVAC), but that's like a 10 year plan for the house. HA!

Of course I'd give my immediate family some money. Enough that my mom had plenty to retire on whenever she was ready, and money for my brother to help take care of my dad (probably can't just give anything directly to my dad.... to irresponsible). Sudo and I would probably trade in both our cars and just get 1 replacement. Of course I'd see if Sudo wanted to quit his job, which he probably would. We'd do more travel, especially abroad and to more clothing optional beaches and resorts. After that.... I'm not really sure what I'd do. I'm sure I could spend money on new clothes and shit like that.... but that's not millions of dollars worth!
 
I read that the winning ticket was sold in Florida. So I am guessing it wasn't you.
I might buy a ticket for tonight, you have inspired me to have a little flutter.
 
Ugh, didn't win either the Mega Millions OR the Power Ball. LOL.

But I DID get a raise at work since it's that time of year. Not gonna be sad about another $5K in my pocket each year (well, maybe not quite that much cause of taxes).

Other things happening, my SIL is in town for the week for work and staying at my place. We hung out some last night but I wasn't home Monday since I had a date night with Metal and stayed at his place, then I took of on Tues for a day date with Mr. Hyde.

I'm not sure what the deal is with Metal. We've had sex literally twice in the months that we've been dating. We've done non PIV sex maybe an additional 2 or 3 times on top of that, and otherwise there have mostly been dates were we hang out, exchange cuddles and kisses, and that's it. I spent the night there and we went out to the movies (Star Wars) and still no sex or anything like sex. Not even a make-out. Just fairly chaste kisses on the lips as a hello, good night, and good bye. I can't tell if he's so in NRE with Kat that he isn't interested in anything more physical with me, or if he's just not initiating because I'm not initiating and then we're both not initiating, or what. But it's not making me feel good, and at the very least makes me want to downgrade things and not see him as often since I'd rather go out on dates with someone who actively desires me. I know that sex doesn't have to happen every get together with a partner, but sex is important to me and I would like to to happen at least on most dates. And while sure, I could initiate more, I already have to do most of the initiating with Sudo because he's so passive and then adding to that the D/s dynamic. I just really don't want to have to do that in my other relationships as well. I need to feel desired and like my partner wants to jump my bones. It's frustrating since at the same time, when I asked him last night how things were going with Kat and was talking to him about them moving in together later in the year and such, I asked if she was planning to do the full poly thing or what (she was single and not really poly when they started dating but curious and open to it and has seemed to be doing well with it) he mentioned that she probably won't want full on other partners, but likes playing with others at parties and they enjoy threesomes and stuff. And I'm just thinking... wait, you're cool with having threesomes with new people with your other g/f but you can't even express an interest in sex with me?! I mean.... ouch. Talk about chopped liver. And from talking to a mutual friend, I get the impression that when he's in NRE he does tend to neglect other things.... other relationships, friendships, etc. So I would imagine that probably is what's happening. Certainly in the past when we HAVE done sexual stuff he seems to have enjoyed himself and has said so. But damn. Considering that we're more on the casual side, I feel kinda shitty that I even have to bring it up though, and so that makes me debate whether I just sorta let things fade... like to I WANT to fix this? Or would I rather just sorta let things naturally downgrade and pursue someone else if time allows?

Of course, this at least was followed by a date with Mr. Hyde, who always makes me feel desirable. He is all passion and physical presence and I never have to guess if he's feeling attracted to me since he's happily vocal about how much he wants me and how much I please him, and his body language shows me all of that too. Not that things are just perfect there. I mentioned that with our schedule shifting around it just so happens that now our date night is actually going to fall on the exact 2 year anniversary of our first date... and he didn't know that. Because he remembered that it's around the time that we started dating (Jan/Feb) but he didn't know the actual date (Feb 4th) meaning that he probably doesn't even have it written down anywhere, meaning that maybe that sort of thing isn't important to him. Which, I know it isn't to some people. But little things like that matter to me. And we were talking about plans and such and I was talking about my birthday brunch this Sunday and he said "and that's on your actual birthday? the 14th?" in a way that I couldn't tell if he was confirming or if he just didn't actually know if that was my actual birthday. So it all just sorta had this twinge like "oh, what if he doesn't actually track when my birthday is and only knows because I've brought it up?" Sigh. It's a little thing, and I probably shouldn't worry so much about it. He does at least do other things that make me feel appreciated, the least of which being that he literally tells me that he appreciates me and what we have. And he thanks me for my feedback and for opening up to him when I do share vulnerabilities and all that stuff. So it's not like he's a terrible partner. But I guess it just goes to show that no one is going to do every little thing right that makes you happy.

Sudo isn't perfect, Metal isn't perfect, Mr. Hyde isn't perfect. I'm sure I'm not perfect to any of them. And Sudo and Mr. Hyde are wonderful in a way that I don't care if they're not perfect even if I do get feels sometimes. But Metal I've become on the fence with. Given how new things are, I just need to figure out what to do with all that.

Anyway, tonight I FINALLY get to see Sudo again. His conference isn't over, but I'm going to his hotel area and a group of about 7 of us are all going out to dinner and I'm staying overnight with him so that I can just Uber back to work tomorrow. Peach is up for this dinner and a work meeting on Thurs so she had also wanted to stay with him for commuting purposes (way closer than our house) so that will be interesting. We might all have to squish into the same bed, though our friend that works with Sudo might be going home for the night so hopefully either Sudo and I can take the room or Peach can so that we can get some privacy and couples time. I miss him and could really use a good cuddle and to just be in his arms.
 
Guess it's just sporadic blog posts for me then!

Things are going fairly well here. Lots going on in life.

I had my birthday last weekend! 32! My SIL also had her birthday the day before mine, so Sudo and I went up north and went bowling with her and her family and my mom, then we visited my grandfather, so it was a nice family visit.

We came back home and then got ready to head out to the local dungeon for their monthly Risque party. The place was packed since they were doing demos of flesh hook suspension. It was crazy but looked cool. Mr. Hyde and his wife were there as usual (they usually always try to make it to this particular monthly event) so I got to talk to him for a bit and grab a few kisses. But then Sudo and I just mingled and did our own scene. The place was sooo packed and busy that we decided not to stay until closing at 3AM. I wanted to go home and have some sex, and we had my birthday brunch in the morning, so I didn't want to stay out quite so horribly late. Dancer was there with her new guy, but we successfully avoided her. I just have ZERO desire to even interact with her right now. But we didn't have to, so that worked for me.

The next morning we got up and headed out to birthday brunch. The food was amazing and the company was great. Goddess came, as well as 4 other friends in the poly community so it was a nice sized group for sitting around the table and sharing a ton of small plates. And the food was just TO DIE FOR.

I will say, I was already on the fence about whether to continue or end things with Metal, and this solidified it. He was supposed to come to brunch with his son, but messaged me in the morning and canceled because he also had his step-son and it was just going to be too much. That alone, I would have been understanding of, but it was Sunday and if he'd had his other kid all weekend then he could have told me more in advance, and on top of that he didn't even wish me a happy birthday! Or just say something like "I hope you have a great time at brunch!" To top it off I ended up getting a flu-like virus and even though I made mention of it several times on facebook (which I know he'd been on since I also saw him posting as well) he didn't once reach out to ask how I was feeling or anything. Or remember later to wish me happy birthday, or anything. In fact, he just yesterday messaged me for the first time in a week since I basically decided I was done after that. I don't hate him and I'll be social when we're in those settings, but I'm no longer considering him a partner and making any efforts to plan dates with him. I just can't. I have a busy life and I'm not willing to waste my time on someone who can't be bothered to keep me in mind or who I always have to be the one to make the effort and reach out to. Just, nope.

So back to Sunday... brunch ended and Goddess mentioned that she was planning to go to the store to check out some cheap lingerie for some upcoming events and so Sudo and I decided to go with. Our other friend (Boris, ex of Peach) who was at brunch also tagged along so we made for a really weird but rowdy bunch of people trekking through Macy's lingerie. I ended up with a pretty white babydoll and Goddess also got some sort of babydoll/nightie type thing. And then while Sudo was carrying our bags and pulling the car around for us (like a good little sub) Goddess took me to the perfume section and bought me a little small sized perfume as a birthday gift! All of this was partially in prep for an upcoming threesome that we had planned for the following weekend for our birthdays. We had decided that Sudo should pamper and worship us as a pair since co-topping him was sorta how this all started!

I'll get back to that later. But so we left shopping, dropped Goddess at her next plans, and went home (Boris had left earlier to go meet up with a date). No sooner did I get home than I started getting a headache, feeling body aches, and then managed a fever. Yay for getting the flu on my damn birthday.... :( By this point, Peach had arrived at our place so that she could stay for 2 nights for work, and so I spent all evening taking meds, resting on the couch/Sudo and trying not to feel miserable. Oh, and did I mention that this was also supposed to be the start of a 10 day challenge to have 32 orgasms for my 32nd birthday? (I'm not a multiples kinda gal, so 32 actually would be a challenge for me) Well I'd gotten 3 on my first day on Sat, but then with getting sick I had no orgasms for days because I had no energy and no libido. I had monday off for the holiday but spent it laying around feeling like dirt (well, I did go to a minute clinic where it was determined that I didn't have the actual flu and probably some other virus, but they gave me Tamiflu anyway). I ended up either taking off or working from home the entire rest of the week except for Wed due to having a presentation to give at work. So yeah, after all that happening, with Metal not even bothering to check in, I just was like.... meh, not going to waste my time.

So anyway... this past weekend arrived and I was feeling much better. A bit of a lingering cough but otherwise back to normal. Good thing, because we had our birthday goddesses worshiping birthday threesome planned! Goddess arrived and we had Sudo pouring us champagne, feeding us fruits and cheeses, and eventually we took it into kink and did impact play with him before heading to bed for some group sexy stuff. I'm not bi or really into women, so it was more about Sudo servicing us, though there was a little mutual touching of legs and arms and Goddess did a bit more touching of me (she actually is bi). Plus, I got to test out my new strapon that Sudo got me for my birthday. I'd asked for a feeldoe since I wanted a strapon that I could wear internally to be more pleasurable for me. It was a nice test and Goddess really enjoyed watching when the 2 of us were playing! She eventually retired to the guest room (her choice) and we passed out, but then in the morning once we were all up, she joined us back in our bed and we played more. So I guess technically we had 2 birthday threesomes! Once we rolled out of bed, Goddess made us some breakfast since she likes to cook, and we sat around chatting until she had to leave to make it to her next set of plans. While Sudo drove her there and returned, I just chilled out on the couch and half slept so that I could try to regain some energy.... since I had a date night with Mr. Hyde later on that evening! That date went well as always. Mr. Hyde worked me over, and then we went out to dinner and after getting back he tied me up and worked me over again. Sadly, I know he was hoping to give me as many orgasms as he could because of my "goal" project.... but damn my stupid body wasn't cooperating and it took a LOT of effort to even just have 1 during each sex session. Hell, the same thing had happened during the threesomes. So I dunno if it was just leftover exhaustion from being sick, or partying, or dehydration from drinking, or just some performance anxiety. But at least I had lots of fun getting there!

So now things are sorta just back to normal. Though we have more fun plans coming up. Another play party in 2 weeks that Goddess will also be at and so we'll probably play together. Plus a party the weekend after that where Sudo and I will be and I'm hoping to at least make-out with the Party host since he's a cute but sweet guy and we've been flirting online ever since a party in Dec where I met him.

In other areas of life, work is crazy ramping up again and I have no help now so it's about to get hella stressful. Sudo is still slowly working on building his business when he has some spare time, but I'm thinking that's going a bit slower than he originally estimated (not surprised). I also would love to get more house projects done, but that takes time!

Oh... big deal stuff... I started prepping my taxes and it looks like I'm going to get almost $11,000 back. WOAH! A huge chunk of that is because of buying the house and the mortgage and property tax deductions (that portion would get split with Sudo) so the portion that goes in my pocket would be like $7.5k of that, but damn! That will certainly help to build back up savings after what we've spent recently on vacations and such. And it will help to cover us wanting to re-do the back patio area this spring too. Yay for getting money back. Though what I really need to do now is adjust my tax exemptions so that I'm not having as much taken out of my paycheck.

If Sudo and I end up getting married this year then who knows what will happen with us filing 2018 taxes.
 
Well, so much for that $11k tax return! I got an email from my life insurance about a 1099 which made me realize that I'd withdrawn all of the investment balance from my variable life insurance policy to use toward the downpayment on the house. I'm not even sure why I keep this policy. The death benefit is only $93K and the plan is damn expensive because so much of the premium gets invested. I mean, I guess it's nice that the returns on that are guaranteed to be a minimum of 4% so it protects me in the event of a shitty market year, but that's usually balanced out by the returns not being as strong in a good year. Anyway, of all the money I pulled out about half of it was returns on the investment funds and was taxable. Well, I knew that when I pulled it out and increased my federal withholding to account for it. So the math all worked out, but it explains why my return was so much higher than I expected! I mean, I'm still getting about $7k back (almost half of which will go to Sudo since the bulk of it is for interest and property taxes that we both paid equally on the house but were counted on my taxes since the loan is in my name).

So, yeah, still getting a good chunk of change back... but considerably less than I thought I would get. On the other hand, I rolled into this tax season with zero idea of what to expect from a return so I'd have been thrilled with getting anything more than the $1k or so that I have tended to get in the past. So yay? Still money to pay for modifying the back yard fence and re-doing the patio.
 
Lots of work to do, frustrating days. But progress is being made!

This past weekend the weather was so nice on Sat. So of course it meant we finally needed to clean the gutters. They are overflowing with leaves! Well we had bought one of those 22' folding/retractable ladders and as it turns out, that wasn't tall enough for some places! So basically we got about 1/3 to maybe 1/2 of the gutters done. Looks like we'll be investing in gutter guards this summer. They're already along 1 stretch on the back of the house, and I'm hoping on another side... but that was 1 of the sides too tall to check. There are a few other areas that are just too high for a ladder to reach, or you'd have to climb up on the roof to reach the next gutter above it and stand on super steep roof, etc. So no dice. We did get a few boxes in the garage cleaned up and stored though so that space is a bit less cluttered. And we talked about maybe even installing another safe rack up above the blank space over the garage doors when they are open (our garage has really high ceilings) to add yet another storage area so that we could minimize what needed to be stored on the ground level of the garage to keep open space for the workshop bench and the cars. That's something that can wait until spring though!

What I'd really like to do is start measuring and planning out moving a portion of our fence to expand the fenced in portion of the back yard and planning the update to the patio. It will involve cutting down some large vine and bush plants so I figured we should probably cut them at the base now so that they're fully dead and dried up when we want to chop them up later (and probably turn into fire pit kindling. I'd like to start pricing out the materials to deal with the fence and patio so that we can better estimate the cost of everything. At least the labor will be free since Sudo, RCT, and my brother should be able to handle it all!

Plus, I'd like to do some other landscape planning as well for the spring. I can at least then take a look at what flower beds I'm going to pair back and get rid of, or modify, etc. I'm definitely glad that by having to dig up a few inches of the back yard to pour stone and expand the patio, that we'll be freeing up some fill dirt to put in other areas around the house! We have one low spot in a flower bed by the house that I'd like to build up just a tad to make sure water isn't draining against the foundation, and then another area that needs to be filled just since it's formed a bit of a dip over time due to water draining there from downspouts. I'm tired of having a swampy spot in my yard after every rain that makes mowing in the spring a PITA!

Of course, add to that the myriad of house projects that we have on the inside that we want to get done and never seem to get around to doing. This week I doubt much of any of that will get done. We have a play party on Sat night that is a partial B-day celebration for Goddess. Sunday is my date night but also my 2 year anniversary of my first date with Mr. Hyde! Friday is supposed to be my day off... but I need to work so that's not happening.

Maybe tonight Sudo and I can sit down and calendar out a few chores, and see if anything needs to be ordered online for some house projects. I know that we need a TV wall mount, and we probably need some additional hardware to replace horrible brass colored TP, towel, etc holders in our master and half bathrooms. I figure those 2 things are fairly easy to deal with.

I feel like once my big contract that I'm working on is done I'm going to take several days off just to focus on home shit and doing things that I want to do!
 
Yeah, life has just been too busy for me to deal with blogging right now. I also just haven't been super motivated to update on here.

For what it's worth, life is good. Work is still busy and stressful. I worked long days last week. But outside of that, it's all good.

Sudo and I attended Winterfire, a big Kink convention and had a blast. Lots of good classes on things plus some play. And I did my first ever public scene with Mr. Hyde. He beat my ass specifically with the aim to leave marks and it's now a week later and I think I've just now finally hit a point where the marks are gone. I was black and blue over quite a large area!

On top of that, the threesome stuff with Goddess continues. It's been good in the sense that we've all had great communication. She's not pushing to much F on F stuff on me more than what I'm comfortable with, but we've slowly been doing a tiny bit more in that realm (mainly her touching me more as long as I'm comfortable with it). But I'm liking that it's not just the 3 of us hanging out all the time. Sudo still goes to her place for dates or whatever, so I feel like we're not just turning into some stereotypical triad destined to crash and burn. Realistically, I still don't really think of her as my partner. More that she is Sudo's partner and she sometimes plays with us both... or more like Scott plays with us both? lol. But mainly, I enjoy her as a person. She's intense, but really nice and full of laughs, so we just are able to get along and things are so chill. I never get a sense of drama from her or high maintenance BS, so it's been easy to just sorta let shit happen as it will and it hasn't felt stressful.

And Sudo and I have still had lots of time together and good play, so neither of us is feeling like our other relationships are causing us to not see each other as much as we'd like to. Basically, life is just good.

Oh, so my taxes are finally filed and I'm just waiting for the refund to come in. Most of which will go to our patio renovation. I did get some measurements done and sketched out a super rough drawing just to get a sense of it. It's gonna be a PITA. So glad my brother is planning to come help. I think we'll be doing the fence in April, but I wouldn't be surprised if the patio is put off until May. That's just largely going to depend on the rain and how wet the ground is. Can't be trying to dig in the ground and lay a patio in mushy ground!

I think I'm going up to my mom's this coming sunday to go shopping together for some inexpensive decorations. And I'd like to continue on with the house to-do list with Sudo. We're getting there slowly but surely. The patio will be a fantastic change once it's done and I can see spending lots of spring, summer, and fall evenings outside. This will finally make it so that having a grill and patio table no longer make that space feel cramped!

Oh, we're currently taking care of Sudo's 2 corgis for 10 days while Peach is on travel. They're adorable but holy hell I'm annoyed by the click click click of dog claws on the floor all the time. They just wander around making noise, they jump up and bark at insignificant noises, and they wake us up in the middle of the night to be let out to pee (they definitely know how to make it through the night, this is just them being attention whores). I love these little dogs but I'm glad that we don't actually permanently own dogs. This is also why I like big dogs, because they're usually more chill and less little bundles of annoying anxiety!
 
Well, I continue to suck at blogging...

Obviously there's too much to cover from over a month since my last entry, so the highlights:

Things are still chugging along with Sudo and I. Pretty much all good, no really bad other than a downtick lately in our kink and sex lives, but that's more been on my side due to a combination of exhaustion as well as some sads unrelated to him, but that have not exactly helped my libido.

However, I love how much time I get with him and that we snuggle all the time. He is such a good partner to me. We're not perfect, but who is? I definitely feel so happy in our decision to live together and we continue to build our house into a home.

Speaking of the house, I am walking around like a stiff old granny after spending this weekend bagging all the leaves that I raked out of the flower beds. There were definitely 2 or more years of leaves packed down in the back portions of some of those beds! It was deceivingly WAY more than I thought it would be so I didn't by enough yard waste bags at home depot. I filled 10 of them, plus our usual yard waste bin and still had 2 big piles of leaves that will fill several more bags. UGH! Note to self, rake those leaves out in the fall when they do leave collection and just suck them up if you pile the leaves out by the street! Sudo also spent yesterday afternoon digging and burrying 1 of 2 stretches of french drain in our front yard to help deal with our constantly squishy front yard because such a large section of roof all drains into 1 rain spout. I guess this weekend he'll have to work on the other one!

Things with Mr. Hyde.... I dunno. He and I are as good as we've always been, but Mrs. Hyde recently had a second freakout, triggered by family shit with her Dad that is totally unrelated to any of the rest of us, and insisted they close their marriage including him taking a break from me, but no promise or guarantee of when or if that would end. He didn't agree, and they are still figuring their shit out. His last update was that he THOUGHT they were at a point where he just wouldn't add any new partners but that he and I were fine, but I'm going to have to have a serious conversation with him about some boundaries. I'm not disposable and she can't just demand that he toss me aside every time she has an insecure feel. Or if she's going to insist that we can and he's not going to be willing to say no, then it might mean that *I* have to be the one to bow out. I really don't want to. He has become so important to me and part of my life. I love spending time with him and messaging with him throughout the day. It may only be 1 date every other week, but the D/s bond that we have is strong, and important to me. I hate the idea that something working so well might be ruined by a third party. I'm hoping that they'll agree that she needs therapy and that will help to resolve some things, but this is just getting ridiculous, and not sustainable. He returns today from a week overseas for a work conference, so hopefully we can talk more in the coming week and figure out what the hell is going on.

Metal has sorta popped back up as a maybe person in my life? After a long period of us not really seeing each other and me finally reaching a point where I was just gonna let it fade, I saw him at a recent play party and he told me that he really missed me, then he invited Sudo and I to a movie night that he and his partner hosted now that they've moved in together (the townhouse they're renting is great!) and now we've got a hang out/date night scheduled for this Thurs. So I don't know that we'll ultimately be "regular" partners in the sense that we probably won't have like a scheduled night a week or anything. But we're at least both staying in touch and just sorta seeing each other when we can see each other. Honestly, I think that's all the bandwidth I have at this point anyway. Especially with house projects ramping back up.

Sudo and I are starting to plan out trips for later in the year. I'm going to join him in Denver for the tail end of a conference he's working in early June. Then we're going to Wilmington, NC to visit his family (and some of mine) during the week of July 4th. We're possibly doing naked camping memorial day weekend with Goddess, plus I'm sure we'll do other camping during the summer too. And then we know that we'd like to get back to Cancun in the fall, probably late Oct.

As for Sudo, things are going mostly well with him. Great on the relationship front. He's super happy with both me and Goddess and not really interested in dating anyone else. He's definitely ready to quit his job and build his side business as he's been so over his organization, but they did finally just hire a bunch of people to fill vacancies, so he's hoping that will help with some of the stress that's been a regular thing. Hopefully it will lend itself to him having more freedom to burn his built up leave and spend days programming things to start up his business on the side eventually.... though I think that's still months away.

We also still want to demo and re-build our back patio. The demo is hopefully going to happen this weekend on Sat. But we need to do some exploratory digging then to see where the drains are back there, how deep, etc before we ultimately dig out and lay a new patio. So it's going to be an ongoing project for sure! Luckily my Sis-in-law's dad owns a bobcat, so I'm going to see if he'd be willing to bring it down and help to dig out what we need to lay in the gravel and sand for the patio!

We also have finally been working on more house decorating. I bought some pieces for the wall, and we're going Wed with a friend that has an eye for design to pick fabric for curtains that we're going to have made for our living and dining room to replace the ugly ones that came with the house. We desperately want black-out curtains in the living room so that we can watch TV during daylight hours without a horrible glare! Plus, that curtain covers an entire wall of french doors with door sized windows on either side, so the curtain will basically serve as an accent wall to the rest of the room decor. We also still need to pick out dining room and foyer chandaliers so that we can install those and have both rooms (plus the hall and half bath) painted. Doing those things will basically wrap up the majority of the house decorating until we remodel the kitchen in a year or 2. Whew!
 
"Break" mode with Mr. Hyde is now definitely ongoing and it's not fixed, as I had hoped. I'm feeling heartbroken. I've been crying all morning at my desk at work and I just want to go home and curl up in bed. If this were someone else and they told me all of this, I'd probably be telling them to move on.... but I'm just not ready. The fact that they're actively seeking a therapist out and that at least from the information I have, this appears to be an overarching depression issue with Mrs. Hyde that is impacting their relationship and ability to be open, and not JUST an issue with open-ness and me in general gives me this little glimmer of hope that makes me thing "but what if...."

I'll be patient for a little bit longer... but I'm not really sure how long I should wait, and also what I fully want to ask for in terms of the dialog that happens in terms of boundaries, what I would like to request to be worked on, etc. I've asked Mr. Hyde to read The Game Changer and More Than Two by Franklin Vough. I may throw some other reading his way. And I'm hoping that once the initial depression issues can be addressed, that therapy can then steer things more toward the insecurities and such and Mrs. Hyde will be willing to do some reading and discussing too. I should probably also find out if either of them actually has a confidant or someone that they're close enough to that they're open with about the open relationship and that they can actually talk to. If not, I think I'll suggest that, as it does them no good to be SO closeted that they can't talk to anyone but each other, or partners (I don't really hear all that much about the nitty gritty of the issues anyway, which is probably better since I've really been trying not to let all of these things make me hate Mrs. Hyde when I don't even really know her much as a person outside of the occasional superficial "Hello" here and there).

I also think that I'll be asking that the goal through therapy should be to do away with veto (certainly of me, at least) entirely. It wasn't supposed to exist in the first place, but has now become a thing. And I'd like to get a better sense of whether Mrs. Hyde is just super-anti getting to know me, or if the 2 of us getting a tea or a drink sometime would be helpful to her. If nothing else, if she got to know me better, maybe I'd be a more tangible person in her life that would make her think twice before reacting so erratically and being willing to disregard my feelings just to spare her own. But maybe not, who knows. As someone who's never really struggled with depression, I have no idea if whatever she's going through is even something that a rational thought like that would make a difference with. And that's the dilemma.... if much of this is all just some chemical imbalance that needs to be addressed and CAN be addressed, my heart keeps telling me to stick it out to see if things will get better.

But I also need to see Mr. Hyde be more willing to stand up for me and us. Sure, having a partner with depression makes it hard to date and go out and have a social life when your nesting partner needs additional support and you have kids to take care of. Got it. But it's not like we see each other a ton. And he shouldn't be her only support. It's unreasonable for her going through a tough time to mean that he HAS to just full stop not see me at all. And the fact that he's willing to do that at my expense.... well that fucking hurts. And it makes me feel warry about my emotional investment in this relationship, and the D/s bonds that we have. How am I supposed to trust the person who is supposed to be my protector and owner if I have to fear being cast aside repeatedly and punished when I've done nothing wrong?
 
2.5 months later and Mr. Hyde and I finally had dinner and then sat at the National Mall last night and had a conversation of closure that took things from a break to just being over. I am devastated even though I have known for a long time that it would come to this. I feel immense pain and vast emptiness all at the same time.

I'm terrible at keeping up with a blog and I'm not sure how often I'll write here, but for those who are seeking any information at all on veto power, hierarchy, or what it's like when someone has a partner that suddenly wants to go back to being mono when their other partner still has ongoing relationships.... here ya go. It's fucking horrible and expecting your partner to do that and rip their heart out and someone else's heart out just because you are sad is cruel. And thinking that putting 2 other people in pain to try and stop your own pain is selfish. For the hinges that are willing to do it, I know it's a shitty place to be in, but you're going to hurt someone no matter what you choose, so you should be choosing what is best for YOU, not either of your partners.
 
Breathemusic,
I am so sorry to read your update. Veto sucks and those that wield it after 2 years because of their own emotional mess are the type of people that you don't need. I hope Mrs Hyde finds what she is looking for by cutting you off, likely she won't.
Internet hugs.
I miss your posts. You inspired me to find a new Dom and get some home improvement done!
 
Thanks Atlantis.

I agree that as much as Mr Hyde means to me.... a relationship where I always have to fear a veto just isn't something that is sustainable for me long term, and I'm better off without a meta like that. But fuck if it doesn't hurt so much. I did at least make sure that when we talked about things, I explained to him that if months or years down the road they ever get to a place where they decide to attempt to open their marriage again, that they both need to think long and hard about that before they do. That while HE handles it very well, SHE needs to be confident in whether or not she can deal with it if things go the same way again (him finding partners while she struggles to find partners) and that they need to consider whether the damage that a veto does to the people who get vetoed is really something they are willing to do. I also stressed how from a D/s perspective, it really does turn a submissive from feeling like figurative property that is more of a turn-on for many, to feeling more like literal property that has just been cast aside, and so as a Dom, he really needs to consider and respect that level of responsibility.

He completely agreed with all of my points, so I know he takes this seriously. I know that he was pretty blindsided by the veto as well and it's opened up his eyes to what it really means to be hierarchal. He definitely viewed vetos differently before and I think assumed that they were something that always came up early on before people got too deep, and usually had some sort of "good" reason behind them. He's now had to be hurt by them himself and knows differently. Not that it saves me or him the pain now.

I did FINALLY see him cry along with me over the parting. I've never actually seen him upset and his buddhist lifestyle of taking it seriously that everything in life has beginnings and ends and accepting that.... well, it makes it such that he tries very hard to control his response to negative things and have a more calm, accepting type demeanor. But that also can make it really frustrating to wonder if he was ever really feeling the loss the way I was, because he doesn't express it in the same way. It was conforting to know that at least he was crying too. That he was also hurting and that this wasn't as easy for him as it may have appeared on the surface. I did tell him that I don't regret having had the relationship with him, regardless of the way it ended. And he said that he does know how great of a person and partner I have been, and that he does hope that I know, after all of this, what I deserve.

And damn right do I know that I deserve better than to have this happen. So I assured him that I do know that I deserve great things, and that this relationship as taught me what new boundaries I have, as well as what boundaries I thought I had before but realized I had been willing to bend for a worthwhile connection..... but it still wasn't a connection that was able to survive. And that is just profoundly sad.
 
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