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JuneauHiker

New member
Hello all!

I've been searching for advice on some specific issues I've had for some time now. For the past year or so I've been battling thoughts of inferiority, imposter syndrome, and unworthiness.

Let me explain:

My wife and I have been together, and non-monogamous, for three years now. I've been of the poly mindset for a very long time, and have largely enjoyed the freedom and open communication this lifestyle allows for. This past year I've really been searching for deeper connection and become very frustrated and, frankly, disappointed in my apparent inability to not only connect with others, but even just meet them!

I understand the disadvantages I am working with. First, as much as I hate to go there, being a guy I definitely find it harder to meet women. I've altered my approach on OKCupid, Tinder, etc., just so I can get a foot in the door, so to speak, and yet I can count on one hand the number of times someone agreed to meet with me in real life. Part of the other reason, I'm sure, that I'm finding few responses and meetups (or being ghosted after the first few dates despite them seemingly having a good time) is because I do travel quite a lot, and so I imagine people see this and consider me a waste of time since I'll leave, often within 5 months' time.

My real isssue isn't about that, however. It's mostly a backdrop to my real problems. You see, my wife has spent much more of her adult life actually living the open/poly/non-monogamous lifestyle, and she connects with other people comparitively easily. What I'm feeling, mostly, besides the frustration of not getting anywhere with potential partners, is a strong sense of unworthiness in relation to her. I worry that I'm not "poly" or "open" enough because I don't even have flings or FWB situations. I'm jaded and feel unnattractive which translates to low libido with my wife when we are together.

I am, essentially, envious of my own wife's ability to connect with people and accept whatever may come with equanimity. And I hate how that makes me feel; ugly and childish and I know I shouldn't feel this way!

Hence, why I've come to you folks. I've found many guides on jealousy and how to communicate and relate with your partner(s), but really haven't heard or seen anything about how to let go of my frustrations and my sense of not being enough. I know, intelectually, that I'm not any of these things - but in the meantime, I feel like shit, haha.

Thank you so much for reading this far. I hope y'all are having a great evening, and I look forward to talking with you further.

-Kyle
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words so I know I go it.

  • Your wife has more experiences living poly life. So her social skills are at a well-practiced level, and she can connect with people easily

  • You have been living poly life also, but for less time over all. You also travel a lot for work. So your social skills are not as well developed. You find it harder to connect with people in meaningful ways.

  • You envy that she has this skill. You wish you had it.

  • Instead of taking it like "Well, she's clocked X more years of practice than me so it stands to reason that her skills are more along than mine" you think things like "I'm not poly enough."

  • And these negative thoughts later affects your relationship/libidio with your wife.

Is that about it? :confused:

If so, I do not think this is a poly problem per se. This seems to be a core belief problem or a worldview problem. It is possible to change those, but you might find better guidance with a counselor rather than internet self help things.

I mean, go ahead and Google some. You can read those in the meanwhile.

But if negative thoughts have been plaguing your for more than a year? Maybe it's time to see a professional? So you get the extra support?

You can also help yourself in the meanwhile as you wait for your appointment by thinking about taking some classes -- like non-violent communication classes. Or classes about social skills and the art of conversation. I see those sometimes at our library and county extension office. You could look in your area to see where those might be.

If this was baking? And your wife had been baking for 20 years and was kicking out fancy wedding cakes? Where you had just started baking and were learning to work from a Duncan Hines box mix and can frosting... there is NOTHING wrong with that.

It's almost like you want to be "poly perfection" right out of the gate. Is that what some of this is? Perfectionism, "all or nothing" attitude, or unrealistic expectations of yourself?

I am, essentially, envious of my own wife's ability to connect with people and accept whatever may come with equanimity. And I hate how that makes me feel; ugly and childish and I know I shouldn't feel this way!

You know what? Some feelings are fun to feel. Like "Whee!" or happy, excited, etc. Some are not so fun to feel. Like mad, sad, scared, etc. Sunny days or stormy skies... They all pass in time.

Are you able to face feeling your emotions with equanimity? Because to me that sounds like when you experience "yucky feelings" instead of weathering out the storm and letting them blow on through with a calm mind... you get kinda "stiff" about it and start doing mental gymnastics trying to escape it. You start calling yourself names like "Ugly" or "Childish." It's not only children that experience yucky feelings. Adults can too. Then you start with the "should" thinking. Should do this, should to that. You do not sit STILL with the feelings and let them dissipate.

So instead of the "single load" of experiencing some yucky feelings it is like you add more to the load. Then it becomes (the original load of feelings) + (some self bullying name calling) + (some guilting/shaming that you "should" be doing or feeling X.)

I don't know what to suggest about that. Other than perhaps not piling extra on? Just try to keep it to single loads? I mean... zero loads would be nice! Nobody LOVES exepriencing yucky feelings. But sometimes they happen. So if they have to happen... single loads are better than big ol' piles of loads and loads and loads, right?

Could seek to TAKE AWAY from your burdens rather than ADD to them.

Galagirl
 
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Hey GalaGirl,

You're mostly right, though I'm not sure I would say my social skills aren't as developed. I feel like the few occasions I've been able to meet with others, all parties involved had fun until they ghosted for whatever reasons they had. I'll definitely revisit this, though, and examine whether I'm not putting out the right energy or intention or what have you.

I totally agree with you on the "poly problem." Certainly my lifestyle and my negative mindset is connected, but I know I need to alter my perspective on my frustrations. And honestly, I don't let it keep me down all the time, as even while I'm feeling like shit I know I need to find ways not to think that way.

I'm going to try what you suggested and think of the negative thoughts as extra loads. I do usually give myself the time necessary to process my feelings, but maybe sometimes I try to take it all on are the same time.

And I absolutely have wanted to see a counselor, and classes on perhaps learning to deal with negative thoughts (maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like I'm a pretty decent communicator). Unfortunately that's not been possible with my last couple jobs; this past summer, for instance, I worked and lived out at a remote lodge where the only way in or out was by float plane. Next season I'll be somewhere I can drive around, so I'll be looking for that.

Besides all this, I think what will end up being therapeutic is talking about what I'm going through, like I am right now =) The problem with not having any other poly friends really, is that I feel like I don't have anyone else to talk to about this stuff. In essence I've sort of been bottling it up, despite talking about it extensively with my wife, if that makes any sense.

Thanks for your words! I appreciate you taking the time to help.
 
I'm not sure I would say my social skills aren't as developed

I feel like I'm a pretty decent communicator

I've sort of been bottling it up, despite talking about it extensively with my wife

If you are a decent communicator, why are you gunnysacking?

If your social skills are doing ok... why's your wife your only person to talk to?

It's like you are stuck with either holding it all in or flooding wife with it. One extreme to the other. There has to be balance, and there needs to be more people in your life than just wife to confide in.

If it is helping to talk it out or write it out, you could do it here.

I absolutely have wanted to see a counselor, and classes on perhaps learning to deal with negative thoughts ...

I'm glad to hear you are willing to seek therapy when more able. I think that would be the most beneficial. If the travel is a challenge, perhaps there's online counseling or online classes?

Galagirl
 
I'm not sure how I'm gunnysacking. I don't have any issue with my wife, and we talk about what we're both feeling regularly.

I meant that I'm bottling it up not on purpose, but situationally. I don't have any other friends in the poly lifestyle to talk with about any of this. Just sharing here on the forum has helped a lot, honestly, to be able to talk to likeminded folk.

Perhaps you're on to something about my social skills and my wife being the only person I have to talk about with this. I'm not sure what to do about that frankly, since I feel like I emote, express my feelings and comfort levels, and generally make good conversation with people I meet, regardless if they're a poly potential.

Part of the reason I feel so shitty about having only my wife to talk about is because I only have her. I don't want to inundate her with this stuff, and I want her to be able to focus on her solo adventures and connections with other people when they happen (not to say she neglects me at all-on the contrary, she's very supportive and wants to talk often).

I guess that really, I'm trying to get to a spot where I can be okay with how things are, rather than dwell on what I want or am hoping for, and to not compare my relative lack of success with my wife's. As I said already, just sharing here has helped immensely; I feel much more at ease, and willing to accept that what comes will come. I think that's what I've needed all along: a separate outlet for my thoughts and feelings.
 
Hi Kyle,

I can relate to your frustrations. When I tried OKC I had no luck at all. After awhile I got disgusted and gave up on it. And I guess I made peace with the idea of only having one partner. I'm not quite sure how I did that, but I came to appreciate how lucky I was to have the partner I had. Perhaps you'll make your own peace too, in due time? Not that I don't hope you'll start having better luck dating and finding people to date, I do hope you will. I just wanted to say that I identify with what you're going through.

It's probably good that you're posting here, Polyamory.com provides you with an opportunity to vent. Hopefully you'll be able to realize that you're not doing anything wrong. Poly is not a contest, you don't have to "be poly" in order to be a good person. And you can be poly at heart even if you don't actually have multiple partners at a given time. Meditate on these truths when you feel tempted to beat yourself up.

Besides dating apps, do you get out and go to events of things that interest you? Doing so may provide you with another opportunity to meet and get to know people. I'm not saying it's a guarantee, it's just one more thing you can try.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you very much for sharing that, Kevin. It does make me feel better knowing that others have had similar experiences. I have been feeling much better the past few days about my frustrations, and that's probably mostly due to being here on the forum. Like yourself, I have been focusing on the good in my life, like having an awesome partner.

Are you still mostly just with your partner, or did you ever find your stride with seeing other people?

I haven't been able to meet with people outside of work for a while due to work situations (remote locations). This year, however, I'll be living nearish Denver, and I've already looked up meetup.com events and RSVPd to some of them to hopefully meet people and make some friends, even in a non-romantic/dating/poly fashion. So, here's to hoping!
 
Hey there Kyle,

It's good that you have some meetup.com events lined up for when you're living nearish Denver. Just getting to know people as friends, can lead to romance later on, you never know.

I am still with the same partner, I deleted my OKC account, and never bothered going back there. I guess I just lost interest in the hunt for new dating partners, I am content with what I have. However, with patience, persistence, and the right situation/s, I believe that new dating partners can be found.

Glad to hear you're feeling better lately.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I totally get this. I was an an OTR trucker for seven years. At least you settle down for a few months at a time. I was in a different town every night. When I was teaming we would be in New Jersey one night and Sacramento two nights later. Talk about not connecting with people. Who wants to talk about their problems with a total stranger? Not me, though there were plenty of guys out there perfectly willing to tell you theirs if you wanted to listen. But certainly not many people who understand or approve of poly.

So throughout most of that my wife was the only person I could really talk to about my feelings. There is really nothing wrong with that. Luckily she liked being there for me.

Eventually I started driving mostly between Seattle and here in Florida. I was able to make some friends in Seattle and that made things a lot better.
 
That's kind of what I'm thinking, Kevin. I'm focusing on changing my expectations about meeting people from the hope of romance to just meeting people for the sake of meeting people. That's been helping, as well.

Wow Vinsanity, that does sound difficult. I should count my blessings I suppose =) Seattle is a pretty good city for the poly community. I'm glad you were able to find people to connect with there!
 
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