GirlFromTexlahoma
New member
Your phrase "zero entanglement" stood out to me. Not being on the escalator doesn't mean not being entangled, it just means being entangled in a different way.
...
I think you see "entanglement" as the literal, physical evidence and validation of a relationship. The shared home, the paperwork, the shared finances, etc. And that is one definition and, for some, one component of entanglement. But it isn't the only way of looking at it.
For me, yes, the tangible, legal entanglement is what it means to be committed to a relationship. I do understand that other people see things differently. I get it logically, but I can't *feel* it, if that makes sense. As much as I might try, I just can't.
I do a lot of musing here about the definitions of things... What is commitment, what does it mean to be in love, what differentiates friendship from a romantic relationship. One thing I've learned from everyone here is that we all define these things a little differently.
Another thing I've learned is that as much as I might want to adopt someone else's definitions, I can't. I can respect how others see things, I can mull them over, try them on, appreciate them. But I can't convince myself to feel something I don't feel.
I'm probably always going to see the Relationship Escalator as the thing that defines commitment, entanglement, partnership, and being "in a relationship". Everything else seems like ... friendship... Different kinds of friendship, sure, some romantic, some sexual, some emotionally intimate. I wouldn't say my marriage is necessarily always going to be more important than my friendships - but I also wouldn't say they are equal. They are different. Too different to compare, too different to weigh against each other.
Maybe I'll feel differently someday... But I've spent the past year trying to change my perspective and it's only caused me confusion and unhappiness. So for now, at least, I'm letting go of that need to upend my entire worldview and be someone I'm not. Instead I'm going to focus on figuring out how to do non monogamy in a way that is true to myself and fair to the other people involved.