The story of Spork.

Haha I live in the south. I don't leave the house if it snows - mostly because we tend to get flat out ice, not snow... mostly I just sit back and laugh at the Northerners who live down here now and don't realize the difference.
 
My Mazda 3 handles the snow alright (I live in Utah and have driven it 3 winters and haven’t had an issue). However, I'm not a nervous driver in the snow, usually, so I don't know if you should go on my word. I do know that it tends to slip some if the tires are a bit worn but not absolutely needing replacement, so that might make it a no for you. All Subaru models are all wheel drive, if I remember correctly, so Opalescent's recommendation may work better for you.
 
Yeah, I often feel like AWD would be nice to have. Do I truly NEED it? Probably not. *shrug* ??

I forgot a funny story that happened last weekend. So Zen has had me watching his DVDs of the show, "Northern Exposure" which I'd never watched before. In the intro, there is this music, and a moose wandering through town. It sort of lazily strolls into the street, and stops and looks around, leaves...

Later that day, we were doing some sex stuff, or rather he was doing things to me, and as I'd already been worked over rather thoroughly I'd reached the point where a "finish" was an elusive thing, but I was getting there. At literally the critical moment of peak excitement for me, I kid you not, in my mind behind my closed eyelids, that snippet of theme music played for no reason whatsoever and the mental image of a strolling moose wandered into the frame of my mind, looked squarely at me, and wandered serenely off again.

I began giggling, and had to explain myself.

Moose on the loose, indeed.
 
I saw GWAR once, in 2014 with Kelly and Rider. My arm looked like this the next day after getting in the pit with wide plastic bangles on, lolol. Note the misshapen outline. Those were fancy bruises in waiting. :rolleyes:
 
I saw GWAR once, in 2014 with Kelly and Rider. My arm looked like this the next day after getting in the pit with wide plastic bangles on, lolol. Note the misshapen outline. Those were fancy bruises in waiting. :rolleyes:

One thing I have to give the guys, is that even though I have my concerns about their ability to keep the PR train on track and the momentum going for the band, and there have been a few other issues in recent years...they still put on the best show in my opinion. I mean, in terms of their regular headline shows in the mid-size concert bar venues. I am still not a fan of the festival experience, unless it's GWARBQ, which was a combination music event and family reunion and vacation experience...that is different... But Warped Tour? I don't want to pay more for the festival ticket and then suffer a whole day in the sun when the only band I care about is going to play maybe 1/3 the length of a regular set. Nah. I do still believe that technically, Iron Maiden's show was perhaps better in some ways, but that is Maiden. It's apples to oranges, they are this big production in an arena, again expensive tickets, and they don't make their own (huge) props...but for gods sakes the guy flies the plane, so...

But the experience of being there, crushed up against the barricade, ears blasted and drowning in spew, and the guys larger than life and right in your face...that is still there. The last time I saw them, it still felt like "home," felt like a GWAR show, even without Brockie. I don't feel like Bishop connects with individuals in the crowd as well as Oderus did, but Dave had a flair for showing off. He was sort of a natural flirt, with the world. Bishop is not like that. He's more of a technical singer and less of a clown on stage. But he does a good job.

So I truly hope I can make it to a show this fall. I will be very disappointed if they don't swing back by with a headline tour. They did not do the fall tour last year, and they aren't even doing the GWARBQ this year, which has had me concerned, because this is how they make their money. The live performances are the most important part of their business, and they drive everything else more or less.
 
Zen came by last night after work, and we went to eat somewhere I'd never been, but noticed on my way home from work. This French restaurant, Mimi's. They had a Tillamook penne & cheese with chicken, bacon, and a parmesan-crumb topping, my god it was amazing. One of the yummiest things I've ever eaten. There's just nothing like good cheese.

Then we went back to my place and watched an episode of the Canadian series Lost Girl, which I love...I watched them all as they aired, but he hadn't seen them. It's light TV, but it's fun and sexy stuff. I keep having to stop myself from wanting to drop little spoilers, I forgot how far in you have to get before some of the bigger plot mysteries start getting uncovered. For anyone who has seen it, we just watched the episode that introduces the character Vex. I've never honestly known whether I love or hate that guy, but I think that is sort of the point.

I communicated some pretty heavy stuff to Zen yesterday and his response to it was brief, but positive. I shared the general idea of the roadmap I see in front of us for the foreseeable future, insofar as the future is foreseeable at all, which is to say...only in the most sketchy and vague of terms. Mostly I wanted to make the point that I am willing to team up with him as a couple more or less in the ways that married folk do, even to that extent one day (which I have already mentioned in the past, though I think a few matters should get resolved in the next few years before we take such a step.) But the main point is, in the face of life's uncertainties, it helps to have a partner who has your back. There are huge advantages to it, and a strong buffer against things like losing your job or other life difficulties that are scary if you're on your own. I am invested enough to want to be that for him, and I wanted to make sure he knew it. Of course I still get nervous that "serious" talk might spook him out, given how long he's been on his own, and I try very hard not to make him feel cornered by it.

I've even gone "girl" enough to dream of a wedding a little. I hope we can have as low-stress, and low-cost a wedding as possible one day but still have it be lovely and memorable and meaningful. Just because I am a practical girl and I talk about ensuring that marriage makes logical business sense before a couple does it, and I don't like to be demanding, doesn't mean that it was really truly fine what Old Wolf and I made of it, a mere bureaucratic errand undertaken in a single morning while wearing jeans. No rings, no flowers and only one friend there with us. We had to get a clerk to be our second witness, a stranger. That was lame. I would not mind doing something nerdy with Zen, like getting married at some sci fi themed thing in Vegas, or at a convention, or at a Renaissance Festival, or doing a small outdoor thing in a nice place with a few people we care about. So long as it feels a little more special than a trip to the DMV, that would be nice.

LOL we are both Game of Thrones fans, and they certainly have their own set of words for weddings in that show, but I'll be damned if I'd want to use them, after seeing how every wedding turned out. It's like...do a Game of Thrones wedding, and then stage a scene where everybody fake dies or something. Shock the in laws. *facepalm*

We talked jokingly about some sort of BDSM wedding. I dunno. Maybe. It IS what brought us together.

I just know for sure what I do not want, which is either what I did before with the basic courthouse JOP, or some elaborate churchy affair that is insanely expensive, stressful to plan and execute, and boring and tedious for everyone. I prefer to have a bunch of cosplaying nerds and bondage geeks gathered in an interesting and fun place, with whoever officiates it doing the scene from the Princess Bride. It would be great if it could be FUN. One day. :) We'll see.

Really I just think warmly about building memories with the man I love, doing good things. I think the same way about vacations. I really want to get back to the beach, and I really hope we can do that next year. I can have many worries and stresses, but being in love conveys a certain feeling of invincibility, like whatever happens, we'll find a way through it if we have one another, and things won't be all bad, problems will be overcome, life will be good. And mostly my long email (you know it was a long email, how could I ever use a paragraph when ten would suffice?) was explaining somewhat how there is in fact some basis in reality for feeling stronger with a partner than you might be on your own.

So mushy sentiment aside, I am also dealing with this tooth and man, it is starting to HURT sometimes. Not always, but enough to be a bother. It seems to respond alright to Ibuprofen, though that doesn't last all that long and I don't feel good about taking pain drugs every day for two weeks. I may have little choice, unless I surrender the fight and find another dentist to take care of it. But as this one was the guy who did the root canal and is familiar with the tooth, which is brittle and already cracked, so it won't be the simplest extraction that's ever been done...I would prefer he were the one to take care of it, if I can get by until the 5th. *sigh* Stupid zombie tooth.
 
I just thought of something, and I want to park it here.

There is a thread about talking to partners about insecurities, where another poster indicated that he is a very private person, and he does not appreciate that his partner shares his personal stuff with others. This pinged me very close to home, because I am a very NOT private person. And I do overshare like crazy.

My approach has been to try and, once I applied some self-awareness to my situation, disclaimer my tendencies to those close to me. I tell people that discretion is not my default mode. I am capable of it, but I really should be asked specifically not to share if that is the other person's desire. They don't need to say it for every little thing, it's ok if they say "Look, I need you not to discuss my personal business on your blog" for instance and I can simply stop talking about them. That is not a problem. But I do need to be let know if someone is sensitive to these things, I don't like assumptions.

The same poster just said that lying is a peeve of his, and his daughter doesn't feel the same way. I think that I have more in common with his wife and daughter, than this poster. I don't prefer to lie, but I am not overly freaked out when others do it. I believe that part of my reason for that, is that I can usually get a sense of when someone is lying, and I then factor it into my understanding of that person...not to say I consider them less, or bad, because of it. But I might know to not assume they are telling me the truth in the future, not place important trusts into their hands, I will use that observation to gauge what boundaries to place into our interactions for my own safety. I won't hate them or avoid them or call them out. I just note it for future reference. Some people lie. I don't need to try and beat the world around me into a more truthful place for myself. I just need to be realistic and observant.

And I am not above some obfuscation when it suits me, but I do endeavor to be ethical. I don't lie to people close to me who need to trust me, with whom I have emotional bonds and I wish to nurture trusting relationships. Lies cause harm in those situations. As an accounting nerd, I would never lie in my financial documentation or taxes, just like an unbalanced account, such a thing would cause me anxiety. Most of all, I try very hard not to lie to myself.

But I have a certain trust in my own gut, and it tends to give me a nudge when people are lying to me. So I don't have the hate and fear of lies that some do when they feel they have been taken in and burned many times.

And the ultimate defense for me, is "I don't care."

Everybody knows my business. I don't care. They judge me for it. I don't care. Someone lied to me, or even when a boyfriend of my youth cheated on me and confessed his cheating and lies, I laughed and did not care. It's hard to be wounded when you respond with apathy, it's a little like how practitioners of certain martial arts will, instead of punching and kicking, simply dodge and let the other person's own momentum do them in.

Even with my sons, I prefer to let them know that I have caught them when they've done something wrong, and then let them punish themselves with shame and guilt. Yes, I knew all along you were lying. No, I'm not going to punish you. Punish yourself if you need to. You haven't gotten over on me, I simply chose not to make a fuss. This takes the wind out of the sails of manipulators, who sometimes do you wrong to provoke a reaction, and I have had plenty of those in my life.

So let everyone know my business...expose my weaknesses...talk about me behind my back, lie or cheat...whatever. It reflects on your own character. Not mine, for I simply do not care.

Now when it comes back to the oversharing stuff. That is a whole other animal. The positive side of this for me is that I am a strong believer that the more we share with others, the richer a tapestry each of us has woven of life. I look back at the genealogies of my own family history and it saddens me that so many of my ancestors lived and died and did not leave their stories behind. I have a name, some dates, a few basic facts. The kind of dry and colorless information you would get from a boring history book. Nothing about their dreams, goals, feelings, beliefs, loves and hates...if I am lucky indeed, perhaps an old black and white photo is there and I can look at their eyes and wonder what they had seen. Above all, I don't want my life stories to die with me. Even the very private things, which perhaps my children don't want to know about me right now...after I am dead and gone, would that not make interesting reading for someone who comes later, who might wish to know what sort of a person I was?

In the end, we all die. Every one of us only gets a time to spend here. I would not keep myself closed off to other human beings, refuse to share my thoughts and stories, merely to spare myself a feeling of vulnerability and possible judgment or embarrassment. That is so easily shucked off with a simple, "I don't care!" And the reality is, in the here and now, those around me really don't care what I'm doing all that much. As unusual as my life has been, most people I know don't have a strong desire to sit and listen to it. But as I know how I love to listen to an old person talk about their youth, as I know I wish my ancestors had left me their stories, I know that one day, someone might want to read or hear mine. And in the very long run, I don't want to simply be another set of basic vital statistics in a family tree with nothing of interest attached to her name. So, I share. And as other people's stories are woven tightly into my own, I inevitably share theirs as well. Unless they opt out. ;)
 
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The tooth pain seems to come and go now. I had some ibuprofen around 4:00 yesterday afternoon and haven't taken anything since then. I was able to sleep and now nothing hurts much. I can still feel pressure and a bit of soreness, it is in this state that tempts me to fiddle with it, but I know if I do, that will make it really hurt, so I am trying to just ignore that tooth and not mess with it. We'll see if I can get through the day and not need meds or what.

I don't want to take any more of that damn hydrocodone. I can't even understand how anyone gets addicted to that stuff. It makes me feel mildly fuzzy, hard to think, but it is just as likely to let me sleep (but give me nightmares!) as it is to cause me insomnia. It's a stupid drug. The last time I took one, I decided to try it in the morning after I got to work, knowing I would not have to drive anywhere, and I was still able to function, though my brain felt a little off-kilter, but it didn't even relieve the pain in the tooth much. Ibuprofen seems to work better for that. So there is no point really. Maybe this is because I don't take two of the things, just one, when I take them at all. My mom seems to think so, but she says she "loves them" and is easily addicted to such pills given the chance. I want nothing to do with that.

I went to a discussion group last night. It was nice, nothing to write home about I guess. I did talk about something that had occurred to me... Another Dom guy in the community, someone I know socially as one of the leading figures in my club but not someone I've ever had an interest in personally, we were talking in emails about a project they have tried to have me get done for Voodoo, and the talk wandered off on a tangent, about my weird dentist and how he is making me wait a couple of weeks to get this stupid tooth out. I said, given how he's made all of these odd remarks, I was half-tempted to very snarkily say something like, "So should I just kneel over here in the corner until you get back...?" and the Dom guy I was talking to said that he would expect me to go all switch on him and give him what-for and get him to do it before he left, and went on to say that he could not really imagine me being submissive to anyone anyways. This isn't the first time someone has said that, and in fact Zen said something to that effect at one point. On the one hand, it hurts a little. Because I see submission as a gift that a person offers to another person, and it feels like I am being told I have nothing to give, or no one would accept it. Nobody wants it. That pinches a little. In the general sense. Yet in the specifics of my dynamic with Zen, I have to say that we can both be rather lazy people, and I like being lazy with him. When I listen to some talk about their D/s dynamics, I think "God that sounds like a lot of work." And I like how chill Zen and I can be, and playful, and how we can sometimes feel in service to one another. I also kind of think that it's clever in a way, to not force a bunch of D/s stuff into our relationship right now, because one day some years down the line, if we reach a point where we seem to be taking one another for granted or feel unsatisfied with things, we have room to grow in that direction. I sometimes see the addition of D/s dynamics to an existing long term relationship, as a bit of a wake-up call that makes both partners pay more close attention to one another. To notice one another's needs and focus on them more. It feels smart to hold some of that stuff in reserve. And when I think of it that way, the part of me that wants to take such things personally quiets down.

It has been mostly hot here for a while, and sunny, but today I woke to grey cloudy skies and rain and it's kind of cold out. It is such a departure from what we've had for days on end that it feels strange to me.
 
Sounds like the dude in the email is one of those Doms who think you have to be submissive all the time to everyone or you aren't a "twue sub".

Needless to say I avoid that type, because f- that. ;-)
 
Sounds like the dude in the email is one of those Doms who think you have to be submissive all the time to everyone or you aren't a "twue sub".

Needless to say I avoid that type, because f- that. ;-)

I don't think that's the case. After all, he was Dominant over a very strong woman not so long ago, a leader of our community even.

I think I am just so used to hiding my vulnerabilities as best I can, behind a strong and gregarious facade, supporting others without asking for a lot of emotional support in return, and fearing that any show of weakness is a burden to everyone around me... I come off perhaps as too strong to be submissive.

Of course I am not really strong all the time. But I don't tend to get very good reactions from people around me when I am struggling with bad feelings, only when I am upbeat and outgoing. Life has a way of reinforcing certain behaviors.
 
The weekend was delightfully uneventful, or at least it was eventful in ways I don't think I should spell out, as they involved a whole lot of time in Zen's bed with no clothes on. We didn't go to any Voodoo stuff as the fourth weekend of the month is the Swingers' Party and that is not really of interest to either of us.

At least... OK well, it's maybe a smidge complicated. It's not that we are completely opposed to sex with others, but what either of us would have in mind is too kinky for Swingers night. I fantasize about being bound, blindfolded, and played with by people I can not see, maybe that I can neither see nor even hear, so that I don't have any idea who is touching me. I like the idea of being completely helpless and Zen controlling the situation and saying who may do what to me, simply placing all management of my consent into his hands utterly. That idea is a tremendous turn on for me. But with the bondage and all, that's a bit out of the purview of the swingers, I think. And I wouldn't want to be off in a curtained, semi-private alcove, either. I am an exhibitionist after all, that is another big part of my enjoyment. I'd want it right out in the open, in the main dungeon.

Zen is interested in seeing me be involved with other women. And that's a whole other bundle o' stuff right there. I'm afraid of trying to get that sort of thing going. For complex reasons...even though I WANT that, and he wants that, I have my gut-deep concerns and reservations about it.

1. I don't want the label of "unicorn hunters" applied to us in the community.

2. I develop crushes and flirtations with my female friends, quite easily...but pushing that further to sexual activity, I stumble for some reason. I struggle to take it that last step.

3. I worry about the human dynamics involved. There is a possibility that any given women might be willing to get involved with one of us, but might reject the other. This is one of the fundamental issues, I think, with the entire concept of unicorn hunting, and why polyfolk often advise opening couples to date separately... But neither of us is truly THAT interested in dating separately. But if a woman were willing to play with me, but rejected Zen, I would probably get upset...and if a woman were willing to play with Zen, but rejected me, I would probably feel more jealous than I care to admit, though there would be some compersion in it for me, too...as long as she were friendly with me, at least.

Honestly...I think that Zen's most wonderful qualities take a little time to really start shining, and that he is also something of an acquired taste. To start with, he IS a Sadist. I love that...but not every woman will love that. I have a fetish for older men, Zen likes younger women, this works for us but it won't line up for everybody. I guess I'm saying that I don't know what the odds are for replicating what we've got even at its most superficial levels, and I have concerns that it could take more time and connection-nurturing than what either of us may wish, to develop it. Perfectly pretty, conventionally "attractive" sexy young people have enough of a hard time finding a "hot bi babe" for fun sexytime with no relationship commitment...let alone an oddball pair like the two of us. We're more Gomez/Morticia, than we are Cinderella/Prince Charming, if that makes any sense at all...we won't be everybody's cuppa tea.

I am not unwilling to try...but I am not sure what I could expect. And I think that if I'm going to even connect with a woman for my own sake, let alone with any allowable involvement on Zen's part, I'm going to have to switch on my more Top/Domme energy, which I haven't really messed with too much in a long time.

And now to speak to something completely different, and a VERY un-sexy topic it is...

Update on the Case of the Zombie Tooth.

I am putting two and two together on a situation that has plagued me for a long time. So in my life, I have had chronic sinus infections. I had one when I was a teenager, that went on for a good 3 months and it was terrible, really agony, and eventually reached a point where there was this sharply awful bitter and disgusting smell and taste going on. Like, not just constantly tasting or smelling icky snot, but something worse. Why it went on so long, the parent in charge of the cost of healthcare for me insisted I merely had allergies or a cold and it was nothing and they did not want to pay for me to go to the doctor, well eventually I got in and got the antibiotics I needed and it all resolved.

In years since, I have felt what seemed like the beginnings of a sinus infection and gone to doctors, and actually been denied antibiotics and told I only had a cold, or allergies, BY DOCTORS if my symptoms were not that severe. Seems that docs are more reluctant to prescribe antibiotics in recent years, and I am guessing this is an industry wide response to the proliferation of antibiotic resistant bacteria that we're seeing these days. I get it. But it means that unless I have absolutely the worst unbearable set of symptoms, like every possible symptom dialed up to 11 and not responding to OTC drugs, then I simply won't bother with going in to see a doctor.

Well since October, of last year, I have had some sinus stuff going on. But it has not been severe. It seemed worse when I was vaping, and I linked it to that, but I begin to suspect that isn't right... In August last year, two things happened. I quit smoking, and began vaping, and I had the root canal on Zombie Tooth. By October I started having some sinus issues. I assumed vaping was to blame, but now I think it was the tooth.

My sinus issues are occasionally pressure and a headache, but not a whole lot of actual congestion. I feel like I am not snotty enough to call this an actual "sinus infection" as I've had them in the past. And yet...the funky disgusting taste/smell is present. It's really awful. Like...something dead...

Oh. A root canal tooth...I am reading now...is generally not likely to be 100% cleaned out of its dead root pulp, it is leaving dead tissue in the body which is usually not done, in medicine...and the tooth is porous...and it's an upper molar, which means it is in close proximity to a sinus cavity... And I am reading that root canal'ed teeth often become a source of toxic bacteria that can get into the rest of the body, even causing heart problems. Let alone sinus problems. Basically a root canal'ed tooth can wind up being a site for necrosis that can escape (possibly) into other areas, and the site of mine means that contamination to the sinus cavities makes sense.

The bad taste and smell that I detect is not always, it seems to come and go, not even every day. This is consistent in my mind with the notion that perhaps the source is the tooth. Especially now that I have...whatever...going on with the root. My dentist called it "resorption"...and my reading on this indicates that my body is trying to dissolve the tooth from the inside out. The X-ray showed a dark chamber around the root, and the feeling is one of pressure, today it's like there is a hard knot the size of a grape situated deep within my gums, like under my cheekbone. I can't feel it from the outside, but that's what it feels like from the inside of my face...like now there is downward pressure to the tooth, and upward pressure on my cheekbone as well. And that feeling like I want to mess with the tooth... I seriously cannot wait to have it out. Like I keep fantasizing about just getting a hold of it and getting it OUT of there. It's really annoying.

I am mildly worried that this situation should not wait until 7/5 when my dentist returns...yet I feel I should heed his professional expertise, and if he says a couple of weeks won't make much of a difference, then it won't. And I don't want to switch dentists, I LIKE my weird Dentist-Dom, and that helps me endure procedures so much easier...

Anyways, at least it does not hurt, exactly. It just feels annoying. I hope that when it comes out, my other symptoms will go away.
 
Oh, yay, I just looked at the event for this month's Skills Workshop...and for a change they have noted on it what the subject is. I have skipped many of them, either because they did not mention what the topic would be, or because they did and it was not an interest of mine. Essentially if there is a chance, even, that I'll show up and find them doing needles or cutting or something, then I would rather not drive all the way down there... Those things are not only limits for me, I don't want to see them. I avoid those stations when they do them at the club. Very much "not my kink."

But tonight's is on impact, and I not only love to bottom for that, I don't mind topping for it and want to develop those skills and learn to be better at it.

Man...I got some great matched light elk suede floggers, that have finger loops, and would be brilliant for Florentine...but I can't coordinate my left hand to save my life. I listen to some of my favorite industrial or techno songs and I imagine how badass it would be to throw down some mad Florentine to that music, but I am so stinkin' clumsy. And these floggers would be great in theory because they are so lightweight, I don't have a lot of muscle fatigue using them. I need more practice. Like an hour a day or something, but I never seem to find the time. Among the many things I need to do...art projects and filing and packing and working at home, on top of even trying to keep my apartment clean. Ugh!

Well, I will put my small collection of impact toys in my bag and head on down. That's another matter...I want to get a few more toys in my own personal toybag. Zen keeps most of "our" toys, but I want some of my own.

I also would like to get some supplies to top for wax play, especially since our wax guy, the Aussie, has not been doing tastings anymore and it was always a popular station... And I want to work on fire... And I should carry around my violent wand and maybe collect some more attachments for that, I love topping or bottoming for electricity... *sigh* So many kinks, so little time.
 
Keep a VERY careful eye on that bad tooth. Dental problems have a way of turning bad on a dime. I had a toothache last October that went away with antibiotics; my dentist thought it might be a cracked molar, but he couldn't tell just by exam and X-rays, Well, with not being able to miss work, I wasn't able to follow-up in a timely fashion. By November, I had developed a systemic infection that landed me in the hospital for three days. The swelling in my facial and submandibular area was working its way to my airway. It could have been much worse.

Just be careful!
 
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Keep a VERY careful eye on that bad tooth. Dental problems have a way of turning bad on a dime. I had a toothache last October that went away with antibiotics; my dentist thought it might be a cracked molar, but he couldn't tell just by exam and X-rays, Well, with not being able to miss work, I wasn't able to follow-up in a timely fashion. By November, I had developed a systemic infection that landed me in the hospital for three days. The swelling in my facial and submandibular area was working its way to my airway. It could have been much worse.

Just be careful!

Yes, and believe me, doing my reading via Google on the matter has vested me with the appropriate amount of worry. I was extremely fatigued yesterday, but that happens to me sometimes. If I get even a hint of a fever, or if there is noticeable swelling (not just a pressure-y feeling inside the area) or anything else happens between now and the 5th, I'll get emergency care.

I am also monitoring my lymph nodes, as they tend to respond to infections by becoming swollen and tender near the affected region of my body. So far, nothing.

I definitely know that this kind of thing can lead to serious stuff. And I think I will be asking my dentist why he did not refer me to someone else.

I mean, I look back at all of this... He talked up his abilities with root canals, even though I didn't really need him to convince me, since I WANTED to try to save the tooth. Then when he was not 100% confident that it was done well, he knocked off a huge chunk of the cost of the procedure. Yet at no time was I contacted or scheduled to come back to get it crowned, which would have been the next step with a successful root canal. I was left with the temporary filling. Which maybe was to be addressed at a cleaning appointment? I don't know. Here we are though and instead of having someone else look at it, he schedules me for when he returns from vacation...and he'd expressed a serious dismay at the state of affairs. He was apologetic even, and the tone and look was like he had failed. I think he's almost taking all of this rather personally. I actually would lay money that he is thinking about it while on his vacation, it is probably distracting him.

While I really do enjoy the weird and borderline inappropriate comments he makes and actually anticipate "what will he say this time?", and that is a good thing (in my opinion) for me to have that view toward dental visits, at least I don't dread them...I wonder if his ego is a little too involved, and if it's prevented him from doing the smarter thing of referring me to get this taken care of sooner, even if he couldn't be there to do it.

Guess we'll see...

But yes, I am paying attention.
 
Zombie Tooth isn't bugging me too much today. Still a feeling of pressure, like a hard, maybe grape sized knot in there, if I bite down, not even hard but enough to press slightly on that side, then I feel it pressing upward into my cheekbone. But it does not hurt at all.

Still hoping that I hold out ok until the 5th. God am I ever looking forward to having this stupid tooth out.

And I think that Mr. Worm King was in his bourbon or scotch or whatever fancy sippin' booze it is that he loves, last night, because he started messaging me, and I theorize that this happens once every 6-8 months when he's had a few drinks. Of course everything I've ever thought about him has been naught but speculation, since he refuses to talk about himself. He's pro at steering the conversation away from himself and directly back to the other person, he'll get every detail of my life story out of me (which admittedly isn't hard to do anyhow) without giving much away. He apologized for being a "little bitch" whatever that was supposed to mean. Asked how I was doing, I gave him a fairly generalized update on life, but did not go into much detail. I was, for me, very brief. Only a few small paragraphs. :p

I told him at the end, when he seemed to be done talking to me and had not replied to my last message for a while, that even though I thought it was probably stupid of me, I did miss him, and would not mind having the occasional conversation. I said that I could no longer do the sex part, so I figured it wouldn't be of much interest to him, just coffee and a chat, but that a general invite along those lines stands open if he wishes to prove me wrong. (I really doubt it.)

Thing is, in perfect honesty with my own self and feelings, had he kept any indication of interest there, I would have tried to squeeze a sort of rare, FWB side guy poly clause into my agreements with Zen last year when we made them...but I'm kind of glad I did not, because he really is not good for me, and never going there again is for the best, because I think he's a risky partner, both from a "wtf is your deal, dude?" standpoint, and because he never would talk about his sexual habits, and I was rolling the dice on sexual health with him.

My lingering interest is frustrating...and it's not even because the sex was great, though it was, Zen is far, far better... Really it's because I prefer for my relationships to evolve to what is (for me) a more comfortable, natural, and organic ending. If they need to end, let it be because it feels like it's time, not with a pile of unanswered questions, not feeling so very unresolved. I wasn't ready to let go of him, when he was ready to let go of me, and it did not evolve to friendship as I prefer things to do. So I feel like I stopped reading a reasonably good book right in the middle, and burned it, and now I can't find another copy. I never got to see how that story COULD have ended. I feel a tiny, and always fading, little irritation deep in the back of my mind, over that. Maybe just talking to him could unravel that knot in my mind...but then again, it would probably just be confusing and leave me with 100 theories and more questions than ever.

I should let this go. It's hard to do, in the sense that I still think about him sometimes and I'm happy to talk to him in FB messages once in a blue moon...and it's easy to do, because he does not seem interested in any more contact than that.

Whatever. Confusing weirdo is confusing. Leave it, Spork.

So last night I did go down to Voodoo for the impact class, and that was pretty good. I have this odd sense of shyness and hesitation when I think about jumping back over to the Top/Domme side of the slash. I used to do things more like that back in my wild teenager years, but it was without regard to safety or proper behavior. I guess part of me is a nervous novice now that I'm among people who actually know what they're doing, and not terrified high school boys. I'm sure that is at least part of it. But just the idea of being on the other side of the flogger scares me for some reason. And yet I want to. I really want to. Feels like any number of things in life, though, ya know? Like I used to speak reasonably good French, and I forgot it all, and now I'd be embarrassed to try, I would like to learn more languages, but I don't put the time in, so I just turn away and think, "I can't." Same with music, I maybe could learn to play an instrument, even a little, I always wanted to. But "I can't." Same with dancing. OK, so I feel like I am trapped in a clumsy body that can't be graceful, but maybe I could belly dance if I tried, that doesn't have me spinning and scampering all over the place. You can do some of that with minimal footwork. About the only kind of dancing I can even sort of try to do, involves a lot of hip movement and a little arm waving, so perhaps I could learn belly dancing...if I put a whole lot of hours into it. *sigh* I can't.

You know, though, living in my body and speaking with my voice feels like trying to run through a swimming pool.

Anyways the class was good. I did indicate to a few people I have a vague interest or semi-intention to work on rediscovering my inner Top and developing some skills. A very beautiful woman volunteered to stunt bottom for me if I wanted, so that was cool. I have a few ladies who would go for bottoming for scenes at parties with me.

I have no particular plans after work today, so maybe I should determine to be productive and work on some of the dozen or so projects I have been saying "I really need to..."
 
Warning: Another long thought ramble...

This forum has not been as active in recent weeks, so I have spent some time over at my old stomping grounds, which I abandoned in 2015 when my life was really hard and I was still living with Old Wolf (and often afraid of him.) Things are a little better over there now. The moderators have stepped up their game since then. I have no idea if my case had anything to do with that or not.

I did have some "friends" over there, and I didn't want the few I connected with well to wonder if I had been killed, so although I stripped all of my information out of my profile there, I used a blogging function to put an entry in that described how things were going, and every many months I'd pop in with an update in case anyone ever looked to see if I was still alive. There are many people who have posted there for over a decade, and there have been people who disappeared who actually did die, so there is reasonable cause for me to do that.

Anyways. Gives me stuff to think about. There is still a lot more nastiness there because it's full of muggles (vanilla/"Monogamist" normal type people with narrow minds and judgmental attitudes)... And I have not revisited the Relationships subforum, because it's still got its share of bitter and mean spirited men who are looking for the Universal Theory of Why Women Are Jerks for Not Giving Me What I Want (tm). All women like tall guys, women only like rich guys, women only want to either screw around or have baby fever, why are there no good women left in America, etc etc etc etc... Of course if confronted on any shallowness of their own, they say "That's just nature. Biology. How it is." Seems that the "nature" of men is a justification for the logic behind their actions, even when their actions are deplorable, and the "nature" of women is an indictment against our collective character. Interestingly, I contemplate this, and then I think about some of Zen's descriptions of the message he was getting from certain feminists in his life at a young age...and at its core it is kind of the same. "You are a terrible human being for being what you were born, and wanting what you want. The other gender is good, you are bad." I think maybe BOTH of us grew up trying to figure out what in the hell the world expected of us, if we were going to reconcile trying to be "good" (whatever the heck that even means) with being authentic.

Anyways, I'm looking at those other forum's threads and seeing so much antagonism. It is a huge difference where here, women are safely and comfortably expressing our sexuality, and there, well... It's a different world. And it saddens me a little to be reminded just how much of our society is NOTHING like my happy, comfortable bubbles of acceptance and understanding that I mostly keep to these days. And I also wonder how on earth any of these people are ever going to form a partnership with someone of the opposite sex when all they do is treat them like enemies, or at least opponents in some elaborate game of strategy. I want to be like, "Uh, guys...maybe instead of trying to trick women into sex...look for women who also want to have sex, and make it a joint effort instead of a score against the other team. Just a thought."

I recall a man I knew from a Facebook group...I unfriended him eventually, even though I respected his intellect, his bitterness and his issues were bringing me down. He insisted that commitment was the price women expected men to pay for sex. I hate that transactional shit. I mean, I know that some of us (myself included) struggle not to think in scorekeeping terms. I often fear if I am not giving as much as my partner is giving, or that I share and share and maybe I'm drowning out his voice or his feelings...I worry about being too pushy, getting too much, giving too little. But the notion that I would require increasing commitment as some sort of payment for sex is ludicrous. And very untrue. At every stage, I have come to Zen with any increase, escalation or change, with an attitude of, "So...I would be willing and interested, to do this...how about you?" And given him every possible opportunity to say, "Yeah, ya know, that does not really work for me." If that had ever been the case, I would have respected it, because I LIKE where we are right now, just fine. Mostly any scorekeeping on my part is not asking if I'm getting enough to justify what I am giving, it's more to make sure that what we are doing, or considering doing, is still to the benefit of both of us. If it only benefits one but not the other, then somebody is being taken advantage of, and I certainly don't want that. Gods, if anything, I was the first to accept a restriction on what I do with potential other partners, which is a form of commitment.

I guess I just get so frustrated with these people who are mired in...muggle-normativity. They fight so hard to argue that the suffering they are in is the way it is and the way it must be. So for them...that is the unhappy reality they have made and they live in. And it is unreal how much judgment and scorn and crap you get when you say, "Sorry, but I refuse those terms. I live by different rules, and I am so very happy because of it."

So on another note. I keep seeing in my mind the image of the glorious body of the woman who bottomed for that class on Monday. She is someone I know somewhat, at least we are somewhere between friends and acquaintances, we know each other strictly from the community. Standing with her back to the cross, in her heels, chest thrust out...bent over the bench showing the room her lady parts, at the request of the instructor which frankly seemed...unnecessary. I don't know if that bottom is enough of an exhibitionist to appreciate being asked towards the end of the class to just show a room of strangers her bits like that. The teacher was ONLY making the point that she likes to position female bottoms for impact on a bench like that because she can have all that access. That was it. As an exhibitionist myself, I would have liked that, but for someone who is not, it would have been... Do I need that skeevy new guy thinking, when he sees me next, that he knows what my undercarriage looks like, really?

Anyhow.

For me personally, I just wish I could enjoy such a perfect and beautiful woman without thinking so painfully of my own flaws. Goes back always to that circular problem that I might have been so perfect once, and that I could maybe be so perfect now, but I threw it away on my ex, having his children, which I did not even want to do at the time. I cannot have that to give to a love who deserves it so much more than the one who treated me badly, because that coin is now permanently spent, in at least a few rather significant ways. Strangely...I think of my parts, the litany of my flawed pieces, and I hate myself. But then I look at myself in a bigger picture sense, and somehow I am ok. Cute, even, if not on the level of "stunning" women like Fire and certain others, I am at least cute. How I manage to be more than the sum of my parts, and what anyone including myself sees in me, I struggle to understand at times. I just wish I could enjoy the sight of a statuesque beauty, or her perfect, petite, and light pink lady parts, and not feel so ugly and used up. I wonder if those feelings connect with my hesitations to try and go Top-side. Like a general lack of confidence, isn't exactly conducive to any of this...it's hard to step up and be ready to even temporarily Dominate someone when you are feeling shy and inferior and inadequate, like you just want to go hide somewhere. I wonder if it would surprise people I know, if they knew I felt that way. I seem very outgoing, gregarious, and yes, generally an exhibitionist. I sometimes think it's all just a smokescreen, though. The exhibitionism is mostly exciting because it is pushing the discomfort button, being seen is being vulnerable, and being vulnerable turns me on. I find it hard to be excited without thinking about things that kind of make me uncomfortable, at least objectively.

And I think that's actually kind of common. I mean, when I consider all of the very taboo things in porn, it strikes me that people almost need to be pushed out of their comfort zone a little to really be turned on. Hm.
 
Discussion group last night was not bad. Had some decent conversations, kicked around our thoughts, chased some squirrels (metaphorically speaking of course) and it was good to get out of the apartment.

So months ago when Zen was planning his excursion to Comic Con, he told me that he was excited because three of the hot women of sci fi would be there and he was planning to buy their autographs, and I got a little touchy about his levels of excitement over this. It did not truly help when we watched some videos of Felicia Day, because I really don't think she is a knockout. Zen is telling me how all the men who are sci fi fans have the hots for her, she's like a fantasy come true, because she's a hot girl who is also a nerd just like them. I'm like...OK, but so am I to some extent, and so are lots of women I know. I am serious, I know plenty of ladies who love Doctor Who and other sci fi stuff and are gamers and geeks. Loads. That is so totally a thing now. And Felicia Day is not bad looking, but if she weren't famous she could be a nobody of a girl next door and you would not look twice at her. She falls into a similar category I think I do really, which is to say cute but not OMG. But since she has been on some screens, well ALL THE MEN WANT HER and Zen sure can't wait for his moment to bask in her glow. And there was Billie Piper, and I admit I wouldn't have minded meeting her myself though Zen takes it to the level of panting lustfully in expression of his want to "meet" her and then there is Morena Baccarin who once touched his shoulder, RIGHT THERE. OK I get it, I know it's seriously stupid especially since I was kinda star struck over the singer of GWAR back when we first met and I do go on about what an honor it was to get to know the guy and be his friend... But it is that similar sinking feeling I've gotten with the porn thing. I can't be a sparkly perfect magical fantasy unicorn of a celebrity, any more than I can be every single barely legal on the internet, or magically have a perfect body or whatever. I can only be me and sometimes it feels like, especially when I struggle to please the man who pleases me so well, that's nice, and better than nothing, but it's not really that special after all.

Well that was my feels a few months ago, just to recap. Boo hoo. I have been working on the porn thing, and the severity of my emotional response to it has been diminishing even when I am in the headspace where I could be sensitive to those gremlins. The celebrity thing, I resolved by saying "Look...I'm not going to go to Comic Con with you...please go and have fun, ok?" and I was thinking that I could save myself some money and use the time productively (lord knows I have plenty of projects that clamor for my time at any moment.) Frankly if one day he wants to go to a strip club, that's going to be my feeling about it too. Please go, have fun, but do me a favor and let me not think about it. Don't go on and on, TOO much?

I might enjoy going to a strip club with a bunch of friends, but watching the man I love get excited about women who won't give him a tenth of what I would...feels bad. Like when I see that, and I'm like OK, I will give everything, she will give practically nothing, but he's 50 times more excited about her than me...means she is better than I am by orders of magnitude. How else do you interpret it when a mere glance from one woman has way more value than sex, or even a lifelong commitment from another? I am clearly boring and disappointing. Why am I even here?

I don't want to feel that way. It is easier to mostly shut down thinking about the entire matter, and take it only in small doses when I can handle it without going down that rabbit hole. So anyways those are the things I have struggled with. But it hasn't really bitten me hard in quite a long while now. And it is not in this moment, I'm just sort of recounting the gremlin-talk from memory today.

So there I was yesterday at lunch with Zen. Comic Con babe-fest starts tomorrow for him. It has warmed me that earlier this week he was scheming how and the scheduling to try and get back in the evenings to spend time with me. A weekend of not spending time with me, he said, did not make him happy. Well. So there I am, having come all to terms with the matter and feeling alright about everything, happy even, dare I say, that my love will enjoy getting a chance to meet the subjects of his admiration and hoping he has a great time.

And he tells me, yesterday, as we sit at the sandwich shop....

Nearly all of the celebrities --and in particular, all of the pretty women-- that he wanted to get autographs from and see at Comic Con, have cancelled their appearances. I did not even know how to respond to that. All I can say is that it feels like some vastly ironic sort of a cosmic joke. I'm over here like, I did all that processing and finally got cool with it all, and they fucking cancelled. I'm having a mental Daffy Duck moment of some sort I think.

Fucking seriously. Well anyhow. I feel bad for my love, I know he is disappointed. A mild selfish happiness that he'll probably have an easier time managing his schedule to come back down and see me in the evenings. But mostly a whole bunch of, "WTF, universe??"

In other news (yes I know I say that a lot, bite me it's my blog)...Old Wolf has met a woman I will call Val, which is short for Valkyrie, which is what he calls her because she is a tall blonde who was a gunner in the Air Force. He is quite taken with her. I talked to him on the phone last night, and he said that he has realized something important which is to be thankful for everything you have. Oh fucking Christ dude I've been preaching this to him for oh...let's see...at least since 1999. It was the first big sinking realization I had that we were not compatible because he was determined to be miserable because of something always, and I was determined to find happiness and optimism anywhere I could. And here he is telling me that he wants to share this amazing wisdom he's gained, that you should be thankful for everything you have and savor and cherish it, even if it's not much, and all. Dude. But swift on the heels of annoyance at him for not learning this when I was struggling to teach it to him, is the feeling of relief and letting go... It is better late than never. He was not so good with me, maybe he can learn to be good without me. And I can be happy for him, if he is finding some peace, finally. But he sounds like they have put him on anti-depressants. I have only ever heard him so chill when he was for a matter of a few months, on Wellbutrin, years ago. And so long as they don't make him suicidal again, maybe that is all to the best. He does sound more calm and reasonable, all the time.

Life is strange.
 
Spork, I so enjoy reading your blog. You write so well.

I am scared for you and your tooth and I can't wait for the 5th so you can get it yanked!

I read your ruminations about the crushes on geek celebrities. I actually felt sad those women have cancelled! I have had lots of crushes on celebrities. I don't so much since I left my ex h, and have been with Pixi, and poly to boot. I was unhappy in many ways in my marriage and spent a lot of time fantasising about Johnny Depp and Eddie Izzard. In fact, watching Eddie's videos, looking at pictures of him, and finally seeing 3 of his standups, and getting to briefly touch him in one of his post show meet and greets were so meaningful to me, it was a large inspiration to splitting with my husband and starting my new life.

Eddie is gender queer, as I am, out and proud. He's also very funny, very intelligent, a student of history, speaks at least 4 languages (and has done his standup comedy in German, Spanish and French). He is incredibly fit and has run marathons to raise money for charity, running 43 marathons in 51 days, and more recently, 27 marathons in 27 days. He is going to run for Parliament in England. And he's in his 50s!

So... yeah. Very inspirational. Maybe your boyfriend has been into these gamer geek girls for a long time when he was single and celibate, and still carries a torch for them out of habit? Even though he has found his dream girl in you, as I have found my dream girl in Pixi... I still love Eddie, but of course, even though I met him and got a side hug and an autograph and a picture with him, it's nothing like actually knowing him, dating him, having sex, going through life's ups and downs. Pixi also admires him... He is currently doing a book tour and if she's up late and sees him appearing on a talk show, she records it for me.
 
I might enjoy going to a strip club with a bunch of friends, but watching the man I love get excited about women who won't give him a tenth of what I would...feels bad. Like when I see that, and I'm like OK, I will give everything, she will give practically nothing, but he's 50 times more excited about her than me...means she is better than I am by orders of magnitude. How else do you interpret it when a mere glance from one woman has way more value than sex, or even a lifelong commitment from another? I am clearly boring and disappointing. Why am I even here?
Well... I've been wondering since reading this... in case this means that means that your value to someone is not at all determined by what you give them... is that good or bad news? :confused: :D
Another question is, what it really means "value". And... so on.
I'm a little puzzled when trying to understand this phenomenon you describe, although I sure may ditch a partner at times to go meet someone "exciting". I think "mundane" vs. "special opportunity" is the key distinction here.
 
I left work early yesterday. This tooth is terrible. It's disgusting. I'm still here though, coping, I will make it to the 5th.

OK, I'll talk about it a little...but I warn you, it's nasty. I know more than a couple of women who go so far as to watch videos of people popping zits and draining other kinds of infection on the internet, I am not one of them, but I guess that is...a thing? Ugh. Anyways, there is a sizeable pocket of infection that I am certain now has been draining into my sinuses. Previously along with the gross taste/smell, if I blew my nose it was mostly stinky thin clear watery stuff but occasionally a little thin yellow, which was not snot, it was from this infection. Ew, I know. Previously I blamed this on vaping doing "something" to my sinuses. But what triggered my visit to the dentist, was this pressure building up in my face, under this tooth and below my cheekbone right? At the same time, the taste/smell/drainage via sinus cavities was actually decreasing. I think for some reason the channel by which it was getting into my sinuses got somehow blocked, maybe swollen or healed or who knows? So it started building a pocket of infection, creating pressure, and it was visible on the xray at the dentist's as a dark zone around the root of the tooth. Well yesterday, I was able to put pressure with a finger on the outside of my face just under my cheekbone, and at the same time with a Q-tip on the gum by that tooth in my mouth, and it drained significantly from around the tooth. Hey, gross, but dude it relieved a LOT of the pressure and feels much better today.

I am going to warn the dentist when I go in on Wednesday, that this is not going to be pretty. Not only do I expect this tooth to be brittle and come apart during the extraction, there will likely be a lot of really icky infection around it. I'm actually sorry he has to see that mess, but he's a medical professional, so... I need his help here.

I have had to be realistic about the celebrity thing. I occasionally admire celebrities a little, but I don't get that into anyone just because they're hot. Like Mags with Eddie Izzard, I need a lot more to be into anybody. I was straight up creepy star struck at first with Dave Brockie, but I was into the 101 things he did rather than a very superficial knowing of him from his role in some shows. Like his life's creative work includes a ton of video, from media appearances to films he and his crew made, to writing (LOTS of writing) to music and art and...wow. Like he never stopped creating, and even when it was a financial struggle, which was pretty much the entire time, he always gave it top billing in what he did in life. I admire that with a passion. But as I got to know him, I realized very quickly I could never carry a sexual or romantic torch for the guy. He would have been a seriously risky casual partner given what I knew of his health and history, AND he was so flaky and unreliable to even make any plans with, he would have driven me crazy if I'd had to factor him into my life in meaningful ways. I felt sorry for those who had to deal with him on a daily basis sometimes. But I was always grateful for every moment I had in his company. He was really something. And losing him was so deeply, horribly painful.

But Old Wolf had to come to terms with very serious insecurities and jealousy over him. He got to a point where he could send me off to go do GWAR stuff, and cope with it ok...but he stopped wanting to go with me. Being there and actually watching me give so much attention to others, from my friends in the fan community to the band members, was painful to him. So he simply quit going, for the most part. However, when Dave died, I could not grieve because if I so much as mentioned his name, O.W. was all "I could have kicked his ass at any time" or some aggravating shit. He had no respect for my feelings or my grief, at all. That was awful, it was really a big initial fracture in the long process of our relationship breaking up, insofar as my ability to cope with him was concerned.

So I know that this business of me having weird feels about other women that excite Zen, is ME STUFF. I own it, and I don't want to put it on him to change a single thing, and I want to respect his admiration and enjoyment of these other women. And yes, it helps bunches that I feel when we're together that he is SO into me. And I find that I am not relieved or glad or anything that these women cancelled their appearances, I am a combination of glad we got some time together because his event schedule changed, and sad for him that the event isn't what he was hoping it would be. He has been texting me actually and says that the line to get in today, he stood in for over an hour because this year they're checking everyone's bags and props to make sure they aren't smuggling (???) anything in. Don't know if they are worried about drugs (this IS Colorado) or dangerous things, or what. But that line... And when he gets in, he's got more lines to look forward to just to get the few autographs he cares about. Ugh. My poor love.

He bought me a really cool strap on dick. I like it, it's black and it's a weird shape. It's this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Utimi-Liquid-Silicone-Dildo-Suction/dp/B004MXA18C

And I seriously want to wear it to a party at the club and I want to get sticky googly eyes to put on the end of it because I think that would be hilarious. If I am going to feel silly walking around with a strap on, I might as well dial the silliness up and have fun with it.

This morning, I got up and I got sucked into my financial spreadsheet fuckery. I am obsessive about this, and find it enjoyable for some reason. I created a page that has a row for every week since the beginning of the year, and shows the amount I spent that was "living expenses" (anything that was not a monthly bill) and then whether that was over or under the arbitrary amount I allocate for my weekly spending, and a running total of how much over/under I am for the year, and then a column to keep a running total of fundraising, gifts, and income not from wages, which offsets any overspending, and I now know that I am only about $550 in the hole year to date.

It's like an addiction, playing with the numbers and analyzing this data. But I now feel like I wasted 3 hours playing around with it. Sometimes I feel like, "WTF is wrong with me?" lol

Oh well. I need to get my act together, I have some errands to run and Hefe and our lovely friend Reecy are doing a gig early this evening and I want to go see them play, and then there is the biggest party of the month at Voodoo tonight and I might seriously need to help out with that, so...gotta get moving.

I love you guys. Thanks for reading and thinkin' of me. I don't read every blog here, but you two, Mags and Tinwen, are a couple of the ones I do follow. *hugs!* (Also, Magdlyn, thanks for connecting with me elsewhere and may I just say OHMYFUCKINGGOD you are lovely. Not even in a "hot for a woman in her 60s" way, but just in a beautiful, period, full stop, way, and that is on top of the bright spirit I already saw in your writing. Wowza, you!)

So off to shower and get my butt out of this computer chair and to the doing of the things...
 
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