I left work early yesterday. This tooth is terrible. It's disgusting. I'm still here though, coping, I will make it to the 5th.
OK, I'll talk about it a little...but I warn you, it's nasty. I know more than a couple of women who go so far as to watch videos of people popping zits and draining other kinds of infection on the internet, I am not one of them, but I guess that is...a thing? Ugh. Anyways, there is a sizeable pocket of infection that I am certain now has been draining into my sinuses. Previously along with the gross taste/smell, if I blew my nose it was mostly stinky thin clear watery stuff but occasionally a little thin yellow, which was not snot, it was from this infection. Ew, I know. Previously I blamed this on vaping doing "something" to my sinuses. But what triggered my visit to the dentist, was this pressure building up in my face, under this tooth and below my cheekbone right? At the same time, the taste/smell/drainage via sinus cavities was actually decreasing. I think for some reason the channel by which it was getting into my sinuses got somehow blocked, maybe swollen or healed or who knows? So it started building a pocket of infection, creating pressure, and it was visible on the xray at the dentist's as a dark zone around the root of the tooth. Well yesterday, I was able to put pressure with a finger on the outside of my face just under my cheekbone, and at the same time with a Q-tip on the gum by that tooth in my mouth, and it drained significantly from around the tooth. Hey, gross, but dude it relieved a LOT of the pressure and feels much better today.
I am going to warn the dentist when I go in on Wednesday, that this is not going to be pretty. Not only do I expect this tooth to be brittle and come apart during the extraction, there will likely be a lot of really icky infection around it. I'm actually sorry he has to see that mess, but he's a medical professional, so... I need his help here.
I have had to be realistic about the celebrity thing. I occasionally admire celebrities a little, but I don't get that into anyone just because they're hot. Like Mags with Eddie Izzard, I need a lot more to be into anybody. I was straight up creepy star struck at first with Dave Brockie, but I was into the 101 things he did rather than a very superficial knowing of him from his role in some shows. Like his life's creative work includes a ton of video, from media appearances to films he and his crew made, to writing (LOTS of writing) to music and art and...wow. Like he never stopped creating, and even when it was a financial struggle, which was pretty much the entire time, he always gave it top billing in what he did in life. I admire that with a passion. But as I got to know him, I realized very quickly I could never carry a sexual or romantic torch for the guy. He would have been a seriously risky casual partner given what I knew of his health and history, AND he was so flaky and unreliable to even make any plans with, he would have driven me crazy if I'd had to factor him into my life in meaningful ways. I felt sorry for those who had to deal with him on a daily basis sometimes. But I was always grateful for every moment I had in his company. He was really something. And losing him was so deeply, horribly painful.
But Old Wolf had to come to terms with very serious insecurities and jealousy over him. He got to a point where he could send me off to go do GWAR stuff, and cope with it ok...but he stopped wanting to go with me. Being there and actually watching me give so much attention to others, from my friends in the fan community to the band members, was painful to him. So he simply quit going, for the most part. However, when Dave died, I could not grieve because if I so much as mentioned his name, O.W. was all "I could have kicked his ass at any time" or some aggravating shit. He had no respect for my feelings or my grief, at all. That was awful, it was really a big initial fracture in the long process of our relationship breaking up, insofar as my ability to cope with him was concerned.
So I know that this business of me having weird feels about other women that excite Zen, is ME STUFF. I own it, and I don't want to put it on him to change a single thing, and I want to respect his admiration and enjoyment of these other women. And yes, it helps bunches that I feel when we're together that he is SO into me. And I find that I am not relieved or glad or anything that these women cancelled their appearances, I am a combination of glad we got some time together because his event schedule changed, and sad for him that the event isn't what he was hoping it would be. He has been texting me actually and says that the line to get in today, he stood in for over an hour because this year they're checking everyone's bags and props to make sure they aren't smuggling (???) anything in. Don't know if they are worried about drugs (this IS Colorado) or dangerous things, or what. But that line... And when he gets in, he's got more lines to look forward to just to get the few autographs he cares about. Ugh. My poor love.
He bought me a really cool strap on dick. I like it, it's black and it's a weird shape. It's this one:
https://www.amazon.com/Utimi-Liquid-Silicone-Dildo-Suction/dp/B004MXA18C
And I seriously want to wear it to a party at the club and I want to get sticky googly eyes to put on the end of it because I think that would be hilarious. If I am going to feel silly walking around with a strap on, I might as well dial the silliness up and have fun with it.
This morning, I got up and I got sucked into my financial spreadsheet fuckery. I am obsessive about this, and find it enjoyable for some reason. I created a page that has a row for every week since the beginning of the year, and shows the amount I spent that was "living expenses" (anything that was not a monthly bill) and then whether that was over or under the arbitrary amount I allocate for my weekly spending, and a running total of how much over/under I am for the year, and then a column to keep a running total of fundraising, gifts, and income not from wages, which offsets any overspending, and I now know that I am only about $550 in the hole year to date.
It's like an addiction, playing with the numbers and analyzing this data. But I now feel like I wasted 3 hours playing around with it. Sometimes I feel like, "WTF is wrong with me?" lol
Oh well. I need to get my act together, I have some errands to run and Hefe and our lovely friend Reecy are doing a gig early this evening and I want to go see them play, and then there is the biggest party of the month at Voodoo tonight and I might seriously need to help out with that, so...gotta get moving.
I love you guys. Thanks for reading and thinkin' of me. I don't read every blog here, but you two, Mags and Tinwen, are a couple of the ones I do follow. *hugs!* (Also, Magdlyn, thanks for connecting with me elsewhere and may I just say OHMYFUCKINGGOD you are lovely. Not even in a "hot for a woman in her 60s" way, but just in a beautiful, period, full stop, way, and that is on top of the bright spirit I already saw in your writing. Wowza, you!)
So off to shower and get my butt out of this computer chair and to the doing of the things...