The Struggling Mono Thread

I can't tell if this level of sharing upsets you or not, but if it does: tell her.
It doesn't upset me, and I want to be there for her to discuss her frustrations.

On the other hand... have you been working hard? What steps have you taken for self-care? To build open communication, to express your expectations of quantity/quality time, etc?
I've attempted a few different ways to communicate my needs and expectations to her.
  1. I have told her, and she has responded defensively.
  2. I have emailed her, and she initially was not defensive. However, she was defensive later after talking.
 
It's over

We finally called it quits in March, filed for divorce. In the end, there was too much pain and too much damage to save. Just shy of 23 years. Our oldest daughter is going to a residential facility for adults on the Autism spectrum in September, the youngest is starting her senior year in high school but I've chosen to move closer to S, so she'll be starting in a new school.

We've sold the house we worked so hard to restore, but in the end it's just a building and the proceeds will help both of us start separate lives.

I'm just too numb and exhausted to really hurt, but I'm sure it's coming. Ex-spouse is with the original girlfriend and has just started a new relationship. He seems really happy. Part of me wants him to feel what I'm feeling, and the part of me that will always love him is glad he's happy. Our only communication now is through lawyers. Since I have sole custodial guardianship of the girls, there's no legal questions about his rights where they're concerned. He can see them if he wants to, I won't block him. He just seems so busy with his girlfriends that he's not around them much. That I think is the saddest part of all of this. They really miss their dad.

To those of you just starting the struggle, I sincerely wish you good luck. To those who are making it work, well, I envy you.

monomom,
 
@ monomom ... my condolences. That's sad that your ex doesn't want to see his own children. :(

@ gnc0758 ... sounds like you are getting a lot of defensive reactions from your wife. That must be frustrating.
 
There you are ... I was looking for this thread like this to pick at ... and it's all sad :(
 
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There you are ... I was looking for this thread like this to pick at ... and it's all sad :(

Well, the title of the thread sort of biases itself toward that, so I think the posts are skewed in that direction. Folks who are happy tend to post less, especially in a thread for struggling members, so it's worth trying to keep that in the back of your mind as you read.

That said, a mono/poly relationship is a lot of work, and if the Poly partner came to it via cheating, then there's a lot of rebuilding of trust that needs to happen as well - all emotionally-charged stuff. My blog thread here shows a lot of my struggles (past and current). Some have been managed, some have lessened over time, and some are still struggles, but we've hit a pretty good groove at this point where the struggles are either known, or fewer and farther between.

The relationship with my partner is worth the work. And we do try to keep reassuring each other of that fact. We're (*still*) here by choice. :)
 
Struggling in Texas

Hello all. First, a little background. I was living in Arizona, met a man and fell in love. He was in Arizona for work but lived in Texas with his wife and kids. He introduced me to the poly dynamic. I felt very comfortable being in a poly relationship with him. After finishing up his work in Arizona, he moved back to Texas. The plan was for me to move to Texas once I found work. After four very long months I found a job in Texas and moved.
We all decided to move in together, so it is now me, my boyfriend, his wife, and their two children, living in an apartment together until we find a house that suits us. I love him and I adore his wife and his children. But I find myself struggling lately with jealousy and with trying to find time to be alone with him. They have both been so very supportive while I have been trying to transition. I just can't seem to get past my "mono" thinking. They do not practice hierarchy relationships. He says he does not love either one of us more than the other.
At this point, I am worried that my insecurities and struggles will push him away. I am in desperate need of some advice here. Any advice is more than welcome.
 
Hi TexasTriangle,

Does your boyfriend find time to be alone with his wife? If so, it only makes sense that he should also find time to be alone with you. Sit down and talk with him about this. You have a perfectly reasonable complaint.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Head and Heart

I've been posting/poking around here for a bit now and it's nice to find this thread. I'm having issues with irrational reactions to some things my SO talks about. He likes one of our friends, and has told her as much but is waiting on me to feel comfortable moving forward.

I find sometimes when he brings up that they've expressed attraction for each other my heart kicks into high gear about worrying things are happening soon, before I'm ready. However, this isn't the case for my brain. I know he's not pursuing anything, they're just talking about a DnD campaign we're trying to start and her situation with our other friend who is in a "relationship with her but doesn't wanna put a label on it because he's been burned in the past". She's moving at the end of summer and mentioned she's never been on a real date. SO offhandedly offered to take her on one to maybe get No Labels to get off his ass and do something because she very much wants to have labels but is content where they are for the most part. She responded that it would only be okay if I was 100% on board.

I expressed genuine interest in also wanting to take her on a date because a) I think it'd be fun and b) she's so precious and deserves all the good things in life. I would be very overjoyed to flirt with her and treat her like a princess with my boyfriend. But because she's leaving so soon, I feel a little pressure on my own because of this timeline. SO says I don't need to worry about it, if it happens, it happens. But I feel (and this is getting into a bad habit of blaming myself) a huge disappointment in myself for not being farther along, even though logically I know it's too soon for me to be comfortable yet.

But when he mentioned they'd exchanged an interested while we were on the phone yesterday, I kind had that weird anxious reaction I mentioned above that made me only respond with "Mm". And it through him, obviously. Now he doesn't feel like he can talk to me safely about these things and it breaks my heart... He doesn't think I need to apologize, but I hurt him and insist that I do, and I need to acknowledge that. He says I can't handle talking about it, but I feel I need him to push through my discomfort so I can grow and feel compersion, because I've felt it before. And it's wonderful...
 
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Hi VolitileRC,

It sounds like you are having some struggles, and would like to continue to work on them, while your SO just wants to avoid the conversations if you are uncomfortable. I think that you should tell him that you want to push through your discomfort, and that you hope he will help you do that. I hope the two of you can work something out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi VolitileRC,

It sounds like you are having some struggles, and would like to continue to work on them, while your SO just wants to avoid the conversations if you are uncomfortable. I think that you should tell him that you want to push through your discomfort, and that you hope he will help you do that. I hope the two of you can work something out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks Kevin. I have told him that' but he's so adamant that I can't handle anything practical or in theory. But I feel we need to talk even if I'm not comfortable. It's hard and my emotions aren't always static and I don't know where I'll be day to day. It's frustrating.
 
I mean if the two of you don't have those talks, how can you ever give your consent? He's not seeing that for some reason.
 
I agree. However, he's not currently/actively trying to start anything. I just sort of tensed up when he'd mentioned he and our friend expressed attraction for each other when we were kind of peeking the door to be open. But yes. He just feels that I'm not in a place to handle it, but with all the research I'm doing to deal with my issues, it's hard to avoid talking about it at all these days.

I just hope... he feels he can trust that mentally, I know he's not rushing me, and nothing is moving forward without my express consent. It's just my heart throwing me into a panic emotionally.
 
If he feels that you're not in a place to handle it: how will he know when you *are* in a place to handle it? I would think he would need to talk to you about it in order to find out, but maybe he has some other way of telling?
 
Yeah. This not talking about it thing is relatively new (12 hours?). But he's pretty much waiting for a verbal que from me that it's okay we open the gates, so to speak.
 
Do you know what kind of verbal cue he's waiting for? or is he making you guess?
 
He's waiting for me to happily/enthusiastically give my consent to open our relationship. Which is very nice that those adjectives are needed. We talked in depth about it yesterday and, ideally, I'd be, at minimum, at 70% excited for him to start something new, which I agree would be ideal. I don't want to have a massive freak out or break down
 
He's not just looking for you to say, "Yes." He's looking for you to say, "Hell yes!" Can you honestly do that now, or would you need some "practice" first; that is, you would need him to go ahead and date this woman for awhile in order for you to get used to it. And maybe that's what he's not willing to do? Like you have to get used to it *before* he starts dating her? In fact you have to get used to it before he even starts talking to you about it. Am I understanding that correctly?
 
Jumpin' in

He's willing to do that if I think I'm in a good enough place emotionally. Mentally I think I'm fine-ish enough. Ideally it'd be me wrapping my head around everything and moving passed hang ups and such. So yeah, it sounds like you pretty much understand it, Kevin.

But we've had a few emotional conversations the past 2 days and honestly I'm tired of he both of us feeling super depressed on the matter. At some point I have to jump in it with him and hope he can keep up our boundaries and agreements. So we did. I told him to tell the friends of ours his feelings and we're just gonna go from there. Though I do still worry about myself emotionally. He's being very supportive with me, and it does help.
 
Sounds like you guys are making some progress, that's good to hear. Hopefully he will be able to keep your boundaries and agreements.
 
I'm sure he will. I'm mostly worried about possible negative reactions to the new development.
 
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