Advice Please? Meeting his new lover for the first time

nycsinger2000

New member
If you've read my past posts you know that I've been struggling with opening my mind to polyamory. Long story short my ex and I broke up but were still very much in love, He discovered that he was poly and I didn't think I could consider it at the time.

We've started seeing each other again and I have been working very hard to overcome my issues with jealousy, insecurity. fear and traditional values. We are not officially back together because neither one of us wants to make a commitment until we're both sure we know what we want.

I've now gone to a party with him where we both made out with several people, had a threesome with him and another friend twice, and we've gotten more comfortable with sharing information about our other endeavors. However there is still a part of me that isn't really excited about dating anyone else. Maybe it's because I have always been monogamous minded and haven't quite figured out how to really want someone other than him. or maybe it's because I just haven't met someone I really connect with.

We had planned on going to another party together. It's a costume themed party and I'm part of a group costume he organized. He did warn me that I would not be his "Date for the party and that he wants the ability to be independent and meet other people and spend time with his friends. I knew this would be the next step in my growth so I agreed but we both figured we'd meet up several times through the night and probably go home together after.

I've rearranged my schedule for it, bought a costume,and took days off. About a week after, he informed me that he's been seeing someone new and invited him to come along as his date. He didn't think about it at the time because he's a very in the moment person, but now realizes he should have asked me if I'd be OK with this before asking him. I'm concerned that this may be too soon for me to take on this challenge, but I'd be letting him and a lot of other people down if I didn't go, not to mention, that I'd be missing out on an experience I enjoy and a lot of money.

I've met people he's been intimate with but never anyone he's met outside of his group of poly and open friends. I've also never met someone who has the potential to become more than just an intimate friend. This is all so new to me and I'm worried that this night will be very hard on me. I've learned to not give into jealousy or take it out on him, but let's face it, it's a reality. I'm not so worried about meeting his date. He did tell him about me, and told me that he wouldn't treat me any differently. If he kisses his date, He'll kiss me etc. However, I know he plans on going home with his date and not me. that will be the hardest thing for me to deal with. I don;t want to go home alone knowing he's with someone else. It's not about sex or jealousy....He even told me that nothing sexual would likely occur since the parties are very tiring and he likely won't t be in the mood after. I'm worried I'll feel left out, lonely or just sad that I wish I could be with him that night and I can't. I tried finding a date of my own but I really don't have enough time and none of my friends are available. So this will leave me alone, in a place where I don;t know a lot of people, Meeting his new lover and knowing they'll be going home together. I'm not sure what to prepare myself for. Any advice would help. Thank you.
 
Hi nycsinger2000,

Maybe the thing to do at the party is push yourself a little to be extra sociable and meet new people. I take it you don't have many options here. Maybe someone you know will be there who'll be willing to go somewhere with you afterwards?

To some extent you will probably have to deal with some anxiety and just get through it. Maybe plan something to do on your own that you like after you get home. Just something to take a little of the edge off.

I do sympathize.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks

It's a big party and part of a very open, sexually free community. I'm sure I will meet other people there and there will be other people there that I know but no one I feel particularity close to. I'm not extremely comfortable being alone without a wing man.

I think I'm also having difficulty with the absence of a label in our relationship. He isn't ready to get back together but we are both working very hard at making this work. Being refereed to as a friend, or explaining to his new lovers that his ex is still in his life seems to undervalue our relationship to me. I feel sort of hidden. I am going to do my best to focus on myself at this event. He also told me that when his date leaves the following day he wants to come over and be with me :) however I think I'm probably going to tell him that this is a step I'm not ready for until he's ready to introduce me as his partner, and that I don't want to go to events (unless I'm his date) or meet his other lovers until he's ready to get back together and call this what it is: A partnership in which we are both working very hard to grow, and keep our love and connection together and healthy. is that fair or is it pushy?
 
If he's not your partner officially, and it's a huge party, I can see why he wouldn't introduce you as such. There could be half a dozen people there that he's had sex or relationships with in the past. To single you out might be giving you more importance than he is currently feeing or wants to do.

I think he is setting good boundaries for himself, but at the same time being fair - he informed you that he's bringing a date and that he's willing to see you the next day to help you process if needed. So it looks as if he cares about you.

Honestly, I think pushing for a partner designation when he doesn't seem to want those labels is only going to backfire. He isn't undervaluing your relationship - you are OVER valuing it, I think. Yes, you are being pushy.

That said, you are certainly allowed to ask for what you want. I just don't see anywhere in what you've written that he wants what you do.
 
He isn't ready to get back together but we are both working very hard at making this work.

How is he helping it work when he makes unilateral decisions on impulse? :confused: He acts alone in changing these party plans without considering your feelings, opinions or concerns?

The original invitation was

TOGETHER THINGS (4)
  • We go to costume party together.
  • I'm in the group costume thing he organized.
  • we will meet up several times through the night
  • we will go home together after.

NOT TOGETHER THINGS (3)
  • I would not be his "Date for the party"
  • He wants the ability to be independent and meet other people (Ie: flirt with potentials)
  • He wants spend time with his friends.

You were up for that. 4 together things offset the 3 not together things enough for you to be willing to attend like that.

Then a week later he changed it impulsively to

TOGETHER THINGS (2)

  • We go to costume party together.
  • I'm in the group costume thing he organized.

NOT TOGETHER THINGS (5)
  • I would not be his "Date for the party"
  • He will meeting other people (dating potentials)
  • He wants to spend time with his friends.
  • Not sure if you will meet up a few times during the night.
    [*]He will go home with his date.

NEW LOAD (5)
  • He is not independent because he is bringing a date
  • You don't have time to find a date in a week
  • You never met someone who has the potential to become more than just an intimate friend, and now you'll be doing this in a party context
  • worried you will feel left out, lonely or just sad that you don't go home with him that night.
  • Don't want be alone, in a place where I don't know a lot of people,

Now there's less together things, more not together things, PLUS new load things.

He didn't think about it at the time because he's a very in the moment person, but now realizes he should have asked me if I'd be OK with this before asking him.

Well, if he's asking NOW if you are ok with all that? You could say you are NOT ok. And you prefer to stick with the original plan or not go.

Because if it was a simpler date context like

"We are going to a bar, not as dates. We can flirt with other people, but go home together"​

and he changed it to

"We are going to a bar. BTW, I am bringing a date. I'm not going home with you. I am going home with them. I know I should have asked you if you are ok with me changing plans before I changed them. But hey, I'm am impulsive guy. So I just make unilateral decisions that affect others."​

I would think that behavior was him being fresh. And I would not go to the bar.

So in the bigger context? I still think it is kinda fresh. And I would not go to costume party. I would stay home.

Call it expensive lesson learned. In future? I would not invest lots of time, money, effort and energy into a "non-official" relationship. I would not agree to go unless I was ok being alone or unless I brought another friend with me.

Either work on defining that relationship, or keep it way more casual where you aren't putting in so much for work days off and travel/costume expenses.

Or stop dating him because

  • you don't like the impulsiveness stuff and you prefer something more stable
  • you don't like him making unilateral decisions

Any advice would help. Thank you.

You guys were not suited in a monogamous model. It maybe be that (his way of doing poly) doesn't line up with (your way of doing poly.) I guess you could sit down and figure out that out before you invest further here.

Galagirl
 
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There is more history than you realize. We were together for 5 years before splitting. I'm the only person he sees consistently for 5 months now and we're testing wether being poly will work for us in the future with the intent of eventually making a commitment again.
 
Case in point.

To me? When I'm trying to make it work with my steady dating partner? That is all the more reason to consider my steady's feelings first rather than making unilateral decisions on impulse.

Changing plans on my steady willy nilly? Does not support my goal of making it work with them. They don't have to be my "official" partner for me to treat them with respect.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you GalaGirl. I do appreciate this, and I know that he wasn't thinking fairly. That is a work in progress for him and he is learning. He's a very in the moment person and forgets to think about the consequences that could occur after the moment at times and it's something he's working on. He did apologize the other day BC sonething that happened with a friend of his made him realize that he should have thought about how it would affect me. He also offered to I invite his date but I didn't think that would be good for anyone. I love him and want him to be happy. If he was looking forward to being with this guy at the event it would hurt him to uninvite him and I don't want that not do I want to cause drama. I'm just gonna have to suck it up and realize that although it's a test that's coming sooner than I'd like, if I handle it with class it will only bring us closer. Just hope I don't leave in tears.
 
He also offered to I invite his date

He could clean up his own messes. Not "offer" that you do it for him. Jeez.

I love him and want him to be happy. If he was looking forward to being with this guy at the event it would hurt him to uninvite him

I don't think natural consequences for behavior is a horrible thing: He jumped the gun. He could clean it up.

  • He could uninvite the guest and apologize to the guest for prematurely inviting when he forgot he had prior commitments. Ask for a raincheck.
  • He could apologize to the guest for forgetting he had prior commitments. If guests still wants to come, he is welcome to, but he could make guest aware that he's going home with you.

There's various ways to clean that up. And he can feel "ugh" doing that clean up. I get it is not fun. Could do clean up anyway since he got himself into it. Take personal responsibility.

And in order to avoid cleaning up messes and not feel ugh like that in future? He could learn to think ahead and not be so impulsive.

Right now you let him slide and he learns what? That you let things slide. He doesn't HAVE to change his behaviors any really. Cuz you will let things slide.

I don't want that not do I want to cause drama.

You saying it is NOT ok with you is being emotionally honest. It is not causing drama. It is reporting where you are at. He cannot be a mind reader.

I'm just gonna have to suck it up and realize that although it's a test that's coming sooner than I'd like, if I handle it with class it will only bring us closer. Just hope I don't leave in tears.

That is your choice.

Can't say I would pick that choice in those shoes. When all the choices stink, I'd pick least stinky choice for me. Staying home to me would be better stink. Stinks to be out the money, but spares me the worry about being alone in a place I don't know well, feeling weird when they go home together, etc. I could be home with my friends doing something else fun instead. There will be other costume parties -- it isn't like this is the last one ever.

I hope for your sake your partner works on his impulse control, and his ability to see how his actions affect other people.

I hope for your sake you work on being more emotionally honest and holding him more accountable. Not always let things slide and acquiesce in order to avoid having conflict resolution conversations.

I hope both of you stop "testing" each other's tolerance like this. Love isn't a competition, and it doesn't have to be "proven" like you endure a mess of things and THEN you can be treated well.

One could treat one's partner(s) well and with loving behaviors from the get go.

I hope things work out and you guys make the changes needed.

Galagirl
 
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I'm just gonna have to suck it up and realize that although it's a test that's coming sooner than I'd like, if I handle it with class it will only bring us closer. Just hope I don't leave in tears.

Here's my recommendation, based on a truly awful experience in the beginning of my relationship that could have been a hell of a lot better if we'd done this: have a plan.

Similar, but not exact circumstances: Chops, Xena, and I would be attending a party (we were all invited) for the first time without the kiddos. We talked about it a bit beforehand - how do we handle PDAs, etc., but since I was the one with the concerns, I left it as, "Well, we'll see when we get there."

Big mistake.
The beer and wine was flowing long before the food was set up (which was a big problem in and of itself), but I really minimized the potential misunderstandings and emotions that would come up. Little thing after little thing compounded on top of each other:
  • Chops, other friends, and I in line for food... Chops goes to check out the food, goes back to the end of the line... with Xena (my feeling: Hurt. CLEARLY, hanging with Xena is better than getting back here in line with me) (Reality: Chops felt it'd be interpreted as cutting if he got back in line with me, and went to the end of the line. Xena happened to be there as well.)
  • As the booze gets flowing, Chops and Xena start getting handsy, with hands on asses, etc. Not something I wanted to see, and feelings got even more tweaked.
  • As the night goes on, I feel either put on display ("how about you both sit on my lap! Ha!") or set aside. I finally text Chops to talk, I see him get up, walk silently past me, and go into the house (my feeling: WTF? Pissed!) (Reality: Xena was actually holding his phone and he never got the text... timing is everything.)
  • Other stuff that really isn't needed to illustrate the point :p

Had we talked about how to pull each other aside (or even if it was acceptable to pull each other aside), or just give a signal that, "Hey, I'm feeling left out / uncool right now!", then maybe some of this could have been avoided. Instead, it led to a HUGE fight between me and Chops, bad feelings from the hosts of the party that led to a falling out in general, bad feelings from mutual friends, and a LOT of damage control.

Have a plan in place, even if it's an escape plan, so you're not left floundering if the emotions start going all pear-shaped. We were *all* inexperienced with the idea of a poly relationship, and had no idea how to handle any of this, until it was far too late. Growing pains, I guess, but ugh. I still regret that party.
 
If it were me?

I'd ask to take a pass on this one, and offer the group costume to his date. (If it doesn't fit,well, let him explain it to people around you. It's going to be awkward for him, but that happens when you cage things up on people.

It non-dramatically lets the consequences be his, states you will let natural consequences be his, and not ones you take on.

It stops you from pushing yourself too far.

It stops him from pushing you too far.

You can have another chance at the firsts when expectations are adhered to

It values his autonomy and yours, and also your closeness- that you don't setup situations that are difficult for each other

Unless...

Having decided you have the right to peacefully withdraw, you decide you WANT to go for your sake. Then figure out what would make it good for you. And pursue that.
 
So, I'm solo poly or close to it- dating but not attached- and I STILL would ask people if they mind if I made arrangements if I had an expectation with them. Part of good poly. Communicate circumstances ahead of time. Heck,'I'm not dating my ex, and I still keep him abreast of who is likely to be at an event that we're both at, and would doubly if I thought it would have an emotional impact. So he could chose to prepare or go.

He acting like you are single, and treating you like you don't have any attachment. It's not you didn't- I bet he felt differently when he asked you- but he is justifying it. Did he act like this mono? Poly is not an excuse for bad behavior and lack of caring- in fact,'it pretty soon puts a magnifying glass on that. (And I call bullshit on that- he asked you to go to an event with him. He saw you as dating. He wants to go o you afterwards- and wanted to go home with you. If he is seeing himself as single/ he's still acting like an asshole.)

The good news? You have no obligation to him.

I'm so sorry. I'd be so hurt and upset in your shoes.
 
Your choice right now is not to change him. It's to define what you will put up with. If you really, really, valued yours led so much you could put yourself first Jo matter what, what would you do?
 
Thanks. I talked to him today. Even my calling it "dating" is an issue to him. He said I'm fluid I don't see things that way, so I told him I do. If I were his boyfriend I'd expect that if have to be put in a position on occasion to be in the same room with his other partners but in not his boyfriend... I'm single and as I see it dating him. I told him that when he asks me to go somewhere with him I expect to be his date and if we do ever get back together then I will take the step of being around his other partners. I would never ask a date to be around someone else I'm dating. That's a step for a poly couple not a dating partner. If he wants to commit I'll do the work. If he doesn't than I expect his attention tongs on me when he's with me. In the future I'll ask him if he wants to go to an event as a date and if he can't decide or says no than I'll expect that if I go he may be with someone else.
 
That's probably the best way to handle it.
 
now realizes he should have asked me if I'd be OK with this before asking him.

Before he said he realized that he should have asked if it was ok with you before inviting the other person on impulse. Because he had already asked you out. Clearly he can SEE what he's supposed to be doing for good manners. He just doesn't do it, and rather than apologize or clean up his mess, he presents it to you like he wants you to give him a pass or wants you to clean up his mess.

Sounds "give an inch, take another mile to me." Like if he admits he did a wrong, you will feel so sorry for him getting himself into this mess OR so "grateful" he "sees" his wrong doing that you will leap up to do stuff for him to help him out. Rather than letting him dealing in his own stuff that he gets his own self into.

Like that whole business of him saying you could invite the other person. Sounds like he's being "generous" right? Really it seems fresh to me. If you did that behavior, then he thinks he's off the hook for apologizing to you for over-inviting, and he doesn't have to apologize to the other person for over-scheduling. He can tell himself he doesn't have to do that because it got "sorted out."

He feels that he's single and doesn't have to ask me if I mind

That's making excuse after the fact when you asked him to account for his behavior and trying to make it be about "single-ness." In other words, taking the spotlight OFF his behavior and making it be about definitions of "single."

I'd keep it on behavior. He DOES have to ask you if he's behaving politely. If he doesn't want to behave politely, he could say "I don't have to ask you because I'm not interested in behaving politely."

"Single" has nothing to do with it. A person could behave politely regardless of their dating status.

So kudos for you! I am glad you laid your boundaries out more clearly for yourself. And that you told him what they are.

The only thing I see missing from your boundaries is the natural consequences. Like he agrees to be on a date with you and his attention is on you and then his eye goes wandering or he isn't really being PRESENT. Boundaries list behaviors that YOU can do. Maybe you just leave? Don't make another date?

I think you could finish thinking out your new boundaries so they include natural consequences.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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I'm worried I'll feel left out, lonely or just sad that I wish I could be with him that night and I can't.

You are projecting ahead of time that you will not be able to handle feelings that will eventually pass. Sadness and loneliness are part of being human, temporary states, and won't kill you. Perhaps you could look at developing some coping skills so you are not afraid of the possibility of experiencing your own uncomfortable feelings.
 
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