My thoughts on compersion

Spork

Active member
So I think in analogies, especially early in the morning, and especially in the shower. I can't explain it, so don't ask, that's just how it is.

This morning, my thoughts were on an incident where a cute gal at a bar get together was all over my Sadist. I reacted with a sort of raised eyebrow to this. Why? Because Zen doesn't tend to attract a lot of women, most of his best qualities are beneath the surface, and because I know she likes to "troll" (though she isn't good at it) and because we've had convos about poly, she wants to but she's insecure and jealous, and I've told her I don't feel that way, and I think she wanted to test it. She can be petty, I've seen it, so I was just wondering if she was seeing if I had a jealousy button she could poke. Hence. Raised eyebrow. Smirk. "Whaddya doin'?" lol.

I'm very secure with Zen. And I would still be secure if he'd banged her right there in the bar. But that isn't a thing that is likely to happen then and there or anytime anywhere. I didn't FEEL jealous feels. But I thought it was funny she seemed to be fishing for them. Maybe.

Followed hot on the heels with a wistful thinking that I almost wish I could believe her interest in him were genuine. Well. Not hers specifically. Nor do I actually feel any emotional demand that he have other partners. I just wish anyone/everyone could see what I see.

This is kinda part of my whole compersion thing. (Warning. Here comes the early morning shower-time analogy.)

There's a fictitious woman named Martha, and Martha happens upon a recipe for cookies that is out of this world. It doesn't use rare ingredients from far off lands, just stuff you can buy at the store, but it's HER recipe and it's great. No one else makes such wonderful cookies. Everyone loves Martha's cookies (*snicker*) and how Martha proceeds with her recipe and her cookies is going to now depend on what kind of a personality Martha has. Let's assume she's got no interest in selling her cookies (*snicker*) as a commodity. She might be an insecure person who loves validation of how special she is. She might never share her recipe, she might keep it a big huge secret, so that everyone will know they can only get these cookies from her. Or she might be so excited about how great it is, she publishes it on the internet and gives it away to everyone she meets, just to share the sweet joy of shared cookies (...nevermind.)

Now let's assume the recipe is a living breathing thing capable of sharing itself, and Martha can either take joy in its proliferation or she can face the reality that either she trusts this living breathing thing to not share itself because it promised it wouldn't...or she can worry about it and try to lock it up or keep her eyes on it at all times, growl at anyone who gets too close and generally have anxiety about it as a background routine in her life.

That does not seem practical to me.

Thing is, even if the recipe is shared, she can still use it to make the cookies. She won't LOSE it even if others enjoy it. She might lose the ego part where it is HERS AND ONLY HERS...but hey, not everyone will put the effort into the baking, not everyone will actually appreciate the recipe.

Some heathens don't even like cookies at all.

I'm a sharing Martha. (My name is not Martha, and I do not sell cookies.) I take joy in the joy of others. All the others. If I see a movie I love, I want everyone to see it. Same, same with a delicious food, a great book, a piece of art, a sunset, or a human being. No, I don't need to see everybody sexing up my lovers, but I want them to SEE those colors I see, and know why it is I love the person, and appreciate them because they are great. I'm not afraid of the secret getting out. I want to shout it to the world. I want the joy to multiply and spread. I'm not afraid of other people tasting the cookies (lol!) that I love, either. I've got the recipe. There will always be plenty. And they aren't better for being mine and mine only.

It's this notion of shared joy, of seeing my appreciation reflected in other eyes, that lies behind the fact that I don't really get jealous, I think.
 
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Interesting. I view compersion as something I feel for my partner. I am happy that they are happy. I'm happy they get to experience new things they might not experience with me. To use your analogy, if I share my recipe maybe someone will tweak the recipe a bit.

Your brand of compersion seems to focus more on your partner's partners happiness.
 
Interesting. I view compersion as something I feel for my partner. I am happy that they are happy. I'm happy they get to experience new things they might not experience with me. To use your analogy, if I share my recipe maybe someone will tweak the recipe a bit.

Your brand of compersion seems to focus more on your partner's partners happiness.

All the happies.

I do also love for my partner to get happiness from others if they are doing that (Zen is not, but he certainly can if he wants to)...in such a case as his, I would like for other women to see how great he is even through my high praise of him, and want to give him attention too. I don't know if I would necessarily encourage just anyone trying to have an intimate relationship with him, because frankly I would recommend him VERY highly to masochists and not very highly to...anyone else. For his sake and for theirs. But at the very least, I'd like to polish his self esteem and stimulate his ego just as much as I like to make him feel good in other ways. If that makes sense?

The sharing or the idea of it, it's not just something I can tolerate well, it's something I really like and get enjoyment from on multiple levels.
 
I had a compersion experience about a week ago. Snowbunny and I went on a road trip to Mt. Ranier, and had a really good time. Meanwhile, Brother-Husband was at work. Snowbunny called him on the way back (with her car's speakerphone function) and told him about our trip. He had missed out and could have been bummed, but instead he said, "Good for you, Kevin," and you could really hear in his tone of voice that he was sincere and enthused.

The three of us have come a long way. :)
 
roflmao, I just had to take up Martha's story...


I don't like cookies. I am that heathen.

Well, I've never liked the cookies I've been coerced into eating. And that's probably a very different thing. But I also kind of have a phobia of cookies.

But Martha's (not her real name) description of cookies a few pages back induced a curiosity about cookies that might make me tempted to try Martha's cookies if I was in the vicinity and they were on offer.

And I would actually kinda hope that Martha was present while I was trying her cookies, as a cookie lover herself, who would have an astute eye out to see whether I actually really liked her recipe or, actually, still didn't like cookies.

And if I liked Martha's cookies too, I would hope that Martha would enjoy seeing me like these cookies (for the first time, especially) and would celebrate me liking her cookies.

And I might binge on Martha's cookies for a while.

And I might eventually understand the recipe enough to tweak it a little, a tweak that Martha may or may not enjoy herself, but would be keen to try once, like I tried once.

But I'll always like crepes more than cookies.

And I have a great crepes recipe.

Wanna try it?



arohanui
Evie
 
I'm a Martha too. Laney is someone who took my recipe. And never thanked me for it. Instead, she touts it as her own, and gets passive aggressive and bitchy and petulant when I want to bake some too.


She is not used to "sharing" HER recipe. Instead of being thankful and gracious that I shared it with her, she likes to pretend she made it up on her own and gets easily annoyed when I try and make my own batch.

Damn cookies.
 
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I don't think I am a very good Martha lol I don't think I could be in a relationship where cookies were given out, willynilly, possibly even to people who might not appreciate the cookies, or spill milk on the recipe and maybe ruin the cookies for everyone else. If I was worried about how Martha was handling her cookie-deliveries, I probably would not be able to accept Martha's cookies anymore.

I take a lot of joy and pleasure in how happy and in love Jaeger and Tails are, but when I ponder about Jaeger or Tails seeing someone I dislike or do not trust, for example, that idea upsets me. But it also upsets me when a non-sexual friend is dating someone I don't like or trust. Is selective compersion a thing? Still, it's not like I've experience this, since neither Tails nor Jaeger have given any indication of wanting relationships outside out little triad.
 
I don't think I am a very good Martha lol I don't think I could be in a relationship where cookies were given out, willynilly, possibly even to people who might not appreciate the cookies, or spill milk on the recipe and maybe ruin the cookies for everyone else. If I was worried about how Martha was handling her cookie-deliveries, I probably would not be able to accept Martha's cookies anymore.

I take a lot of joy and pleasure in how happy and in love Jaeger and Tails are, but when I ponder about Jaeger or Tails seeing someone I dislike or do not trust, for example, that idea upsets me. But it also upsets me when a non-sexual friend is dating someone I don't like or trust. Is selective compersion a thing? Still, it's not like I've experience this, since neither Tails nor Jaeger have given any indication of wanting relationships outside out little triad.

Oh certainly there isn't really anything wrong with being concerned about your loves getting involved with toxic, dramatic, or harmful people. (Those who might spill the milk on the recipe so to speak.) Ultimately though, my loves are their own people who must make their own choices. I'd express concerns but not try to be controlling, except insofar as keeping my space and reality safe from negative influences.

If my cookie recipe gets laced with addictive drugs by users who found it online and it starts gang turf wars in a neighboring county, I will be disappointed and concerned. I might have something to say about that.

If the bullets start flying outside my windows, I'll probably move to a different neighborhood.

But my point was more that for some Marthas, the need for exclusivity is about ego, validation, and insecurity. I would like to communicate to some Marthas that the grandkids won't stop visiting just because their Aunt or the neighbor down the street learns how to make cookies just as good as they get at Grandma's house. A relationship is still unique and special even if it isn't the only one my lover has. If my lover's regard for me is sincere, they should still want to be with me even if another lover can give them everything that I can, technically. That is the sense of my silly cookie analogy, and why polyamory is such a good choice for me. I prefer abundance to scarcity, and my perceptions reflect that.
 
roflmao, I just had to take up Martha's story...


I don't like cookies. I am that heathen.

Well, I've never liked the cookies I've been coerced into eating. And that's probably a very different thing. But I also kind of have a phobia of cookies.

But Martha's (not her real name) description of cookies a few pages back induced a curiosity about cookies that might make me tempted to try Martha's cookies if I was in the vicinity and they were on offer.

And I would actually kinda hope that Martha was present while I was trying her cookies, as a cookie lover herself, who would have an astute eye out to see whether I actually really liked her recipe or, actually, still didn't like cookies.

And if I liked Martha's cookies too, I would hope that Martha would enjoy seeing me like these cookies (for the first time, especially) and would celebrate me liking her cookies.

And I might binge on Martha's cookies for a while.

And I might eventually understand the recipe enough to tweak it a little, a tweak that Martha may or may not enjoy herself, but would be keen to try once, like I tried once.

But I'll always like crepes more than cookies.

And I have a great crepes recipe.

Wanna try it?



arohanui
Evie

And what a delightful post. :) Crepes are wonderful.
 
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