The story of Spork.

Not all narcs, sociopaths or psychopaths, are identical, of course. They are all individuals. And there are degrees of sickness or condition. I know quite a few people on the autism spectrum. They are NOT as unkind and manipulative as the narcissists.

Here is the website to keep you distracted and entertained at work. There are articles and a message board.

https://www.psychopathfree.com/articles/

I've been on that site. I think it's been referenced a couple of times here in my blog actually. Most of the portrayals there don't very accurately match what I've dealt with, but I've done enough reading from a NUMBER of sources to know that Old Wolf is seriously mentally ill and should really be getting help (and probably shouldn't own firearms)...like I think he needs therapy and drugs and serious HELP. Otherwise he stands a high chance of being a danger to himself and/or others one day.

And for most of our relationship I felt that it was MY responsibility to "manage" him so that he did not become dangerous. It is one reason it's been hard for me to part ways with him. Part of me still feels that if he hurts someone, it's going to be my fault.

Worm King on the other hand in all seriousness I just didn't know him well enough to have a proper opinion. I have impressions. That's all. He's strange. I don't really know HOW strange...and it's probably best I don't find out.
 
. . . I know he has a ton of women on his facebook and I suspect many are in a category somewhat like me...people he once used to have sex with. Without knowing more about things, I always just stayed back from the part of his world that connected with other people.

And yet he is forever liking and commenting on my stuff.

Worm King on the other hand in all seriousness I just didn't know him well enough to have a proper opinion. I have impressions. That's all. He's strange. I don't really know HOW strange...and it's probably best I don't find out.

So, why do you stay connected to him on FB? I don't see the point. Why don't you un-Friend him?
 
So, why do you stay connected to him on FB? I don't see the point. Why don't you un-Friend him?

The point is that he is interesting. Precisely because he's strange.

He is one of hundreds of faces behind little snippets of digital storytelling that helps me to feel connected to humanity and keeps boredom at bay.

Because I like people. Especially weird people. I can acknowledge that it is likely for the best that he and I didn't continue a sexual and/or close in-person relationship thing. That doesn't mean I've got to cut him out of my reality like he no longer exists. Why would I feel the need to do that?

I always enjoyed the puzzle of him. Now I can examine it with a nice clinical curiosity and no emotions in the picture...so...why would I choose not to?
 
Weekend recap:

Relaxed at home Friday night. Slept a lot. To the point that it upset my cat. He came and pestered me to get up, so I did, and it was Saturday morning...I did my dishes and made coffee, eventually I went back into my room and the cat who had totally insisted I get up like an hour ago, now is curled up asleep on my bed. Seems he just wanted it to himself.

On Saturday I went and met up with Old Wolf at the bank. We sorted things out, he's got his own checking account now that I can't see or touch, and we kept the joint one, which we both have access to and he will transfer in money for the payment of things I handle (but he has agreed to pay) like his part of the cell phone bill, etc. Gradually we are getting stuff disentangled.

Then there was the party at House of Debauchery. It's one of the secondary venues I go to, with Voodoo being my main "home dungeon." House D is cool though. Had a great scene with Zen, then a fun fire scene with Supernova and there was a friend I haven't seen in a while who showed up, so it was good to see her again. She was gone for a few months, seems she was in a vanilla relationship but it didn't work out.

Unfortunately I had some pain going on still from the tooth removal, so when my meds completely wore off and it started hurting some, I had to go home. I didn't get to stay at Zen's or have sex with him...which I wanted to...so I went back over there yesterday and we had a good time. He is so awesome. Just a wonderful lover in so many ways. We had a few hours of lovin' and went back to my place. I cooked us dinner and we watched Sherlock. I think we're nearly out of episodes, sadly.

At 3am, I woke up to intense pain. I had noticed that another area of my teeth was sore when I went in last week, but the main priority was getting the wisdom tooth out. That was the Big Problem to be dealt with. There were X-Rays, and the dentist speculated that maybe some of the pain I had in my upper teeth might be sinus pressure related anyways, since he could see I had some congestion going on.

Well now the socket from the wisdom tooth is healing pretty well, but whatever is going on up above that, in one of the molars, was just KILLING me last night. I got up and took a percocet and went back to bed. So today I'm alternating ibuprofen and percocets, on top of sleep deprivation. And I'm at work. I'm not a very happy camper...struggling to keep my eyes open actually, and trying to manage the pain without taking too many pills.

I've been reducing the amount of pain meds I'm taking anyways.

But damn...I don't want to go back to the dentist. I might have to. I'm not thrilled. I'm wanting to try and wait as long as I can, and get the one area healed up before I'm dealing with whatever is going on in the other.

I don't know why my teeth decided to go all crazy all of a sudden. But I guess the timing could be worse. So long as my focus is on pain management and dental problems, I'm not even troubled by the fact that I'm not smoking. I feel so weird due to pain, drugs, sleep deprivation, that I can't register any cigarette cravings. I just don't care about that.

I think on my lunch I'll go take a nap in the car. Hopefully my phone alarm will wake me and I will get back in to the office on time!

Sometimes I really wish I could take some time off work to just chill at home and have a stay-cation. Like just sleep for a week or so that would be nice...
 
But damn...I don't want to go back to the dentist. I might have to. I'm not thrilled. I'm wanting to try and wait as long as I can, and get the one area healed up before I'm dealing with whatever is going on in the other.
I think you should go as soon as possible. Some of those problems can be dangerous.
 
I think you should go as soon as possible. Some of those problems can be dangerous.

I would be more concerned but for one thing: I don't think that infection is likely. And that's the one thing (as far as I know) that is the most dangerous.

Why is it unlikely? Because they gave me a full run of Penicillin following my extraction, due to the fact that I had an infection there and I have a heart condition that additionally calls for prophylactic antibiotics anyways.

I'm going to get through today, but if I have another episode of intense pain in that tooth between now and tomorrow morning, I'll be calling them. As I've said...being a masochist does absolutely nothing to help in dealing with toothaches...
 
As I've said...being a masochist does absolutely nothing to help in dealing with toothaches...
I know that :D
Or maybe it does - imagine if you had a deeply negative relationship to pain. But it's not nearly enough :(
 
I know that :D
Or maybe it does - imagine if you had a deeply negative relationship to pain. But it's not nearly enough :(

You do have a point.

I got an appointment for tomorrow morning. This sucks. Years without a problem, always had really healthy teeth...hardly ever even had a cavity, I think I've had maybe two tiny cavities filled in my entire life. And now this...
 
Thoughts...

Something about the masochist getting off the cross and stubbing his/her toe and curling up on the floor, after just enduring a whipping with almost gleeful shrieks and squeals...

But I do not see dentistry becoming a genre of kink anytime soon...

Though sex with Zen last night, I noted, was a great pain relief strategy. And today, thinking of him has had all of the delicious pleasantness of...well, you know. When you're still all bubbly and silly about your lover and you just had a night of canoodling, and it's all you can think about. His body, how he felt on top of me and inside...his voice and the things he said, the yummy clean, but masculine scent of his body and sweat. And the intoxicating intersection of his sadism, giving me hurt and his enjoyment of being in control...and his loving, adoring and serving behaviors. He just really hits all the right notes in all the right ways...

...

On a less salacious note:

My nap on my lunch break was wonderful. I am supposed to take Q to get his hair cut...again...at some point soon, but I really need to do laundry. And all I want to do is take a wonk-pill and sleeeeep after work but no. Dammit. Stuff to do. The kid...we had his hair cut just a week and a half ago. Did a good job of getting it the way he described it. Now he says, "Yeah...it turned out cool. But now I decided, I don't want to be cool, I just want to be normal." For chrissakes child...you're killin' me... You know, it's gonna be great if/when he figures out who he is and stops having identity crises all the blinkin' time. That's what, another 10 years down the road, for an almost-15-year-old? -.-
 
Root canal! And only mostly done. The "tissue was too angry" to finish it today whatever exactly that means and I have to go back to get finished up next week on Thursday.

More pain. More drugs. Dammit. Ugh. I hate this.

Silver lining...still not smoking. Still don't care.

And dentist says this is pretty much the result of having inconsistent floss habits (I do sometimes, but not daily) and mostly not having regular dental visits for years. Basically has this been caught as a small cavity that would have been nice, but no...it had plenty of time lurking on the back of that molar to become a monster and get right into the nerve canal and kill everything. Which he is now cleaning out and replacing with rubbery stuff or some such. BUT! Generally speaking he says that I won the genetic lottery with excellent bones and teeth. I just need slightly better habits in caring for them, in addition to the fact that I don't drink soda, which is good...

*sigh* My face hurts. Think I'll go back to sleep maybe.
 
I'm back at work today. And I'm at work on drugs. Not fun. I'm not taking as much as I did last week, as I am wary of these opiates...I know too many people who developed harmful habits.

And actually ibuprofen works better, but it wears off and I can't take enough of it to keep the pain at bay constantly. I have noticed that I've been having issues with my memory. I can't remember for certain when I last took what, so I have to write it down. I took one of my percocets this morning after arriving at work, knowing I won't have to drive anywhere for the rest of the day until I get off work and I'm going to try and just take ibuprofen until bedtime.

The damn percocets make my face itch, and they give me weird dreams, and they make me feel stupid and slow and weird. It really sucks being on this crap and trying to function and be awake and stuff. I wish I could comfortably take more time off of work, but I really can't. It's one of my high priority personal missions right now to take better care of myself and my son and get us in better habits of seeing doctors and dentists. I need to make sure I can take the time off I need, when I need it, to do these things.

And I need a day off next week too, for finishing this stupid damn root canal.

*sigh*

However the bright side, always looking on the bright side...the pain actually is not that bad. It's not as bad as it was right after the extraction I had last week. So I should be able to get these icky drugs out of my life pretty soon.

Also good: still not smoking. And in fact vaping grossed me out this morning. Don't feel much need to do that either. I'll be nic free soon, too.

And Friday, I am thinking (depending a lot on how I'm feeling) of going up to Denver for an event at a venue I like, a sort of game night with light kink, where I can probably take my Cards Against Humanity game and I think we can have fun... I have not ever gone to this particular event though I've been to that particular club before. It was a conflict of interest with First Fridays, which I really loved, and is local. But the bar where they hold First Fridays is under new management now, and it really REALLY sucks. Like they've pushed us out of our areas and it's almost hostile, like they don't want us there anymore. I think that unless/until our group finds a new place to hold this activity, I might switch over to the thing in Denver...or at least maybe I'll go that route this time around.

So. Also I am dealing with some weirdness...my sense of smell is even more acute now (it was pretty damn sharp before, but now I've quit smoking)...and I am overly aware of my own breath. I've had these dental issues and that does not help (I actually think I noticed my breath being overly "off" on Sunday, and it was because of the worsening condition of the tooth I've had worked on this week.) But also, this might sound strange...I'm accustomed to my breath only ever tasting or smelling like smoke. Like a baseline normal smoker mouth. And now I taste/smell residual food flavors, aftertastes and stuff, and it's actually bothering me. I want to brush my teeth...pretty much constantly. Not even just after meals. I think I'm going to have to take up eating mints or chewing gum or something. I have no idea what my mouth is supposed to taste or smell like when it doesn't taste or smell like cigarettes and it's freaking me out just a little.

Is that odd or what??
 
Heh, that's a good thing, I guess.

As for the Percocets, I was just on them for a couple weeks for these darn herniated discs. Luckily, the discs seem to be healing, and I am not needing the Percs anymore. Just last week I was taking 2 every 6 hours. Sometimes the pain was so bad, I cheated and only waited 5 hours. Or I took a tramadol in addition to the 2 Percs!

Good news is, I am feeling better and I have had absolutely 0 problem stopping the Percs. I even got another week's worth delivered today (my clinic's pharmacy delivers), that I reordered on my portal last Friday. And I will just stow them away, for emergencies.

I think the Percs also reduced my desire to smoke cigarettes. I normally don't smoke that much, but that first week of extreme back pain, I was smoking more just to distract myself from the pain. Now I am back down to less than half a pack a day.

So anyway, in your case, you might be being overly cautious for fear of getting addicted. I didn't have a problem stopping, even having taken a ton of 'em.
 
Heh, that's a good thing, I guess.

As for the Percocets, I was just on them for a couple weeks for these darn herniated discs. Luckily, the discs seem to be healing, and I am not needing the Percs anymore. Just last week I was taking 2 every 6 hours. Sometimes the pain was so bad, I cheated and only waited 5 hours. Or I took a tramadol in addition to the 2 Percs!

Good news is, I am feeling better and I have had absolutely 0 problem stopping the Percs. I even got another week's worth delivered today (my clinic's pharmacy delivers), that I reordered on my portal last Friday. And I will just stow them away, for emergencies.

I think the Percs also reduced my desire to smoke cigarettes. I normally don't smoke that much, but that first week of extreme back pain, I was smoking more just to distract myself from the pain. Now I am back down to less than half a pack a day.

So anyway, in your case, you might be being overly cautious for fear of getting addicted. I didn't have a problem stopping, even having taken a ton of 'em.

That is very good to hear.

I don't FEEL like I'm getting addicted. I don't think I will have a problem stopping. But I had an uncle who was on them for a while for a chronic pain problem, and when he couldn't get them any more, he started doing heroin (!?!!) which is a huge huge huge HELL NO for me... And I've not only known people who went that route, but also people who just got addicted enough to the pills themselves that they ended up seeking them on the black market, even people who tried to scam my ex for his pills (they read "disabled veteran" on his OKC profile and thought they'd won the lottery!)

So just having heard these stories makes me really wary of opiates.

The good news though is that I'm not even sure that I need 'em now. I kind of wish I had not taken the one at 7:30 this morning. It's starting to wear off thankfully...the combination of that and my coffee, I don't know, I was just feeling really strange in the head...stupid but jittery... And I don't like that when I'm at work. Yesterday when I was at home it didn't matter because I would take one and then go back to bed. I was in bed almost all day and night, after my morning appointment. I got up long enough to do the dishes, feed the cat, fiddle around online...here and there...every few hours...but then back to bed. I know at one point I just lay awake sort of drifting and daydreaming* for probably a few hours. But being in a bizarre headspace doesn't matter much when you're just lying in your comfy bed and the only one around is the cat. But anyhow. The dentist said he expected I'd be in some pain for about 24 hours after a root canal, most people are I guess. But no, it's been a relief actually. And right now I can feel more from the extraction site of that wisdom tooth last week...not pain exactly, but that annoying "something" feeling...I want to mess with the spot, with my tongue, but I'm not (and haven't been)...it's almost on the level of a loose tooth, an annoyance that doesn't hurt, it's just abnormal. The root canal tooth, I feel nothing from.

So yeah. Probably time to phase out the percs anyways.

And a little healthy paranoia about strong drugs probably never hurt anyone...

Interesting though that maybe they might decrease the desire to smoke. I don't know. I just feel it's time, I already wanted to quit. I have money problems, the last thing I need is a costly habit that is bad for me...

*EDIT: Daydreaming about Zen? Of course I was. I'm still a love-struck fool where he is concerned...
 
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I'm not sure how much ibuprofen you're taking, but my doc said 600 mg every four hours is perfectly ok. They make a prescription version in that strength which is more effective than taking 3 200 mg OTC pills - less filler, less work for your system to break it down and use it.

I cannot take any opiates, they make me horribly sick, but that dose of ibuprofen got me through recovery from abdominal surgery with very little pain!
 
Well, luckily we aren't talking "chronic pain" here, just some dental work which will heal. You'll be fine.
 
I'm not sure how much ibuprofen you're taking, but my doc said 600 mg every four hours is perfectly ok. They make a prescription version in that strength which is more effective than taking 3 200 mg OTC pills - less filler, less work for your system to break it down and use it.

I cannot take any opiates, they make me horribly sick, but that dose of ibuprofen got me through recovery from abdominal surgery with very little pain!

Well, the perc I took this morning has properly worn off. It is 1:10pm here now...the last doses I had were:

1 perc at 7:30am (I'm allowed to take 1 or 2, every 4-6 hours as needed.)
400 mg of Ibuprofen at 5:30am.

So I think my drugs are pretty much fizzled now, and I don't really have much pain. Just that annoying "it's like a loose tooth something is there I wanna mess with it but I mustn't mess with it what the hell" where my wisdom tooth used to be, mostly. A very slight soreness in the general vicinity of the right side of my face.

I wanted to let the drugs wear off and see how it felt. It's not bad...
 
Went to a bar last night, I was invited to be there because a friend was having a birthday and his girlfriend arranged for his pals to show up there.

Well, this is the kink community, and my former quad was there. I have not heard from them much. I didn't go to the thing they wanted me to go to last weekend, and it's good that I didn't. I'd had my tooth out and was medicated and wouldn't have been good to go up to Denver and not get back home until 4am.

So yeah, contact has been minimal. No idea what they decided the Official Opinion on Spork is at this point. Things seemed slightly awkward, but friendly...ish. I got the sense they didn't expect to see me there and were just making the best of it. But I also feel like I can go ahead and take their names off of my relationships on fetlife and my signature here and accept that for done.

The subject of conversation toward the end of the night strayed into uncomfortable territory for me, one of my areas of insecurity and body image issues, and Analyst said something slightly unkind...and Fire had joked about something the last time I saw her...some of it is just brushing too close to home. I know I'm not perfect. But my sons are worth whatever price I have paid. Old Wolf can tell me how devalued I am, and how my body isn't pleasing anymore, and others can make careless jokes, it's ok. I don't have any regrets.

I've got Zen's love. And I've got my boys. My body does not need to be as perfect as it was when I was 18. For someone my age and having lived my life, it isn't bad.

Anyways. I'm being too sensitive. And it's stuff I don't actually want to get into here.

I'm a bit moody today. Had an aggravating misunderstanding with Old Wolf this morning. I had emailed him earlier this week with a very careful and clear statement of what I needed him to pay on Thursday (today) and Friday (tomorrow) out of the sources of pay he'd be receiving on those respective days...his VA money is today, his paycheck tomorrow.

And one of those items was the last bit remaining of what he owed me from before, when he had overdrafted and it bounced out of my credit card...he was going to pay me back along with the fees. That was on for tomorrow, along with car insurance. Today was his part of the cell phone bill.

Well with how we changed the setup, now he has to transfer the amount from his sole checking into our joint account, and I will pull it from there and apply the payment. There are only a few bills remaining that we need to do this for, that are still entangled.

He put in an amount that seemed right, rounded up to the nearest 10 from what I'd said I needed for the phone bill. I transferred out the exact amount I said I would, leaving about $8 in the joint account, paid the cell bill, and texted him that I had done so.

And he threw an absolute almighty fit. Seems he wanted me to take a lesser amount, the bit remaining that he owed from the overdrafts, and leave a "buffer" in the joint account to cover any other "weird charges" that might unexpectedly happen.

What about the cell phone bill?

Oh, I should have paid that late. There is probably a grace period.

This is not what he had agreed to. I had an email where he responded in a different text color and acknowledged each item for today and tomorrow that he agreed to pay, and now he wanted to change it up?

So at like 6:30 am, he is making me late for work on the phone yelling at me how I'm a bitch who is trying to take his money, and every time I reiterate that he agreed to this and I have the email right in front of me, he says, "that's right, you're right and I'm wrong, you're perfect and I'm flawed." Which has always been what he has repeated over and over whenever he's backed into a corner. As though I am only right to make him feel bad.

He also likes, after I email him exact numbers and plans, to call me later in the day when he knows I'm at work or driving my car or something, and ask, "so how much do I have to pay you? Just give me the total." And since I don't keep a memorized copy of these numbers in my head, I don't know the exact amount, and I tell him that, and he then acts like I'm just making things up or changing my story or have no idea what I'm doing.

He calls after we communicate in writing, just to muddy up the waters so that he can later do whatever he wants and blame it on "miscommunication."

I am so tired of this. I can't wait for it to be over.

I typed a huge angry email to him this morning. And then did not send it.

I'm tired.
 
I feel better. I did some productive stuff. Makes me feel less beat-down and more in control of my life. I dropped off the rent, grabbed the mail, cleaned Nimbus cat's litterbox and did the dishes on my lunch break. I love being able to go home on lunch, though I don't always...it's real nice to live close enough to have the option now.

Tonight I'm stopping at Wal-Mart (ugh) and then I think I'll take my kid for his sports physical, since he wants to play soccer now. And possibly a haircut.

And tomorrow I get to have lunch with Zen, and Saturday I think and hope I'll be spending significant time with him, during the party at Voodoo and after. I need some Zen time. He fills up my energies and makes me happy even when things are tough. I want to sleep all snuggled up together again.
 
So I now am only taking the opiates to sleep. But I think I'm gonna stop even doing that. Last night I was too tired to eat dinner, and I took the pills and went to bed. I had horrible nightmares. And woke up at midnight needing to go to the bathroom, staggered in there, felt utterly messed up and nauseous and awful. Woke up at 4am from bad dreams, not knowing where I was and not feeling anything. Strange and numb and almost inhuman.

The nightmare I woke up from:

A family, Old Wolf and two small boys who were Ninja and Q as little kids. Two versions of me. One was "his wife" who had died. Her part was played by the woman from The Shining. The other version was the "new wife." I was looking through her eyes. But for some reason both of them were me.

I can't explain that. It doesn't make sense to me. The dead woman was me. The me I knew to be me. But I was playing a part, I was the new woman. I was an actress in a role that wasn't me, and another woman was playing my role. ??

So. We were in a house that was not any home we've ever lived in or anyplace I've ever seen, but it was our home. And the woman was dead on the couch. She had died, but there was a process. During the process, her corpse would lie there, but it would move and talk. Twitch. Flail around a bit. Open eyes and say nonsense words like a sleep talker. All part of the process of death, after the woman dies. Just a slightly more animated corpse. But to honor her, she's got to be allowed to lie there in her home until her corpse stops its functions and is ready to be buried.

The kids are playing on the floor. That is their Mom on the couch. The corpse of their Mom that won't stop talking and moving. I find it really horrifying. I keep asking Old Wolf to do something. How can he think this is ok, that the children see their mother's corpse just lying there, occasionally flailing an arm or saying some gibberish or drooling... And now he's put a needle in her arm to speed up the process. We leave the room to go talk. The kids are still in there, but things are peaceful and they love their mother so it's ok. And then one of them starts yelling for us. We go in, the corpse has pulled the needle from her arm, she's half sitting up, and shit, she is going to stab one of the children with that needle, someone DO SOMETHING...

And I woke up.

I lay there in the dark, but there was artificial light coming from the window (street lamps outside)...and it was raining and very quiet. I lay there with my eyes open. So clear but so blank. I had no idea where I was, but I had no thoughts or feelings in that moment. I was like a pane of glass in a grey room.

I think I'm doing better now. I had no appetite this morning, though I knew I didn't eat last night, I just want to get all of the medication out of my system. I didn't take any pain medicine. No ibuprofen or anything. My teeth are a little sore but it's ok, I think I'll be fine. And my stomach is settling...I was nauseous earlier. Zen and I have lunch today. I hope we go at 11 and I hope we go somewhere like Ihop. I think some basic breakfast food and orange juice would do me good. At least I hope so. Right now I just feel really cold, even though I put a warm hoodie on, I can't get warm.

I'm talking this way because I have felt so...off. I don't know if the meds were to blame or not. But I hope to feel better soon. I feel weird and I don't like it.

I was considering my weekend plans for tonight. Zen is working the closing shift, so I won't see him tonight but we'll get our time tomorrow. I could go to Denver. People might want to play Cards Against Humanity with me. And I hear they do get up to some play on "Tipsy Geek Night" up there...even though I don't drink I think it might be fun. Dom Sabre will be there. It would be, if I were interested, a golden opportunity to get some play with him. And this is why I think that poly just isn't right for me at this point...because I can acknowledge how hot I thought he was when we met and how much I wanted things to happen, then. And I can still see him and think, "yeah, he's definitely an attractive dude by my own standards." And yet...and yet... I run ideas past my mind and then read my gut's answer to those ideas.

Sabre and conversation. A dinner date. Friendship.
Gut says: GOOD.

Sabre at a party watching me get worked over by Zen.
Gut says: GOOD.

Sabre putting a hand on my knee or arm or giving me a friendly hug.
Gut says: GOOD.

Sabre topping me at a party. Zen present. Touch level: Service Top.
Gut says: OK...

Sabre topping me at a party. Zen present. Touch level: Romantic interest.
Gut says: STOP! NO.
DON'T WANT ZEN TO FEEL BAD FEELS. DON'T WANT THE TOUCH. UNCOMFORTABLE NOW.

Sabre topping me at a party. Zen not present.
Gut says: NO. DON'T. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN. SICK THINKING ABOUT IT.

Sabre and I being intimate, sexual, even kissing.
Gut says: FUCK NO. No no no no no. Panic.

OK there we go, so the Spork that would have happily chased him to a party last year now does not want to get it on with her crush.

And I feel fairly similarly about Supernova. The idea of them seeing me naked, or topping me with the limitations of a party where they won't push into intimate behavior because they don't have the consent for it...alright. I AM an exhibitionist. But I plain and simple don't desire anyone but Zen. I still say that it would be silly to take a stance that "That will never change." That's one area in which I really don't understand or agree with standard issue monogamy...I don't know how you can realistically expect things to not change. Things usually do. Life has a way of making it that way. There just isn't any way to know HOW they will change. Zen might develop an interest in another woman, just as possible as me developing an interest in another man. Or woman. Who the hell knows? So the whole premise of that vow in marriage is just...I don't know. Odd. To me. Unrealistic.

But I find that between my odd feelings about myself, and my odd feelings about men...I just don't really want to go to the party in Denver. I'm not in a Denver mood, I'm not in a party mood, and I most sure as fuck am not in a "party like a single chick without my Zen" mood.

So. I could, alternately, go to First Fridays which takes place at a bar instead of a kink venue, and just go be social. But I am really leaning heavily towards "no" on that, too. People now congregate in the smoking area, because new management and new clientele have made all other areas uncomfortable for us. And I am a recent non-smoker. Thus far the only times I've been tempted to cheat on my quitting, is when I'm hanging out socially with smokers. So I'm feeling like avoiding that.

Long story short, I think I'm gonna take the kid to get his hair cut and go to bed early tonight...
 
I'm sorry you had narcotic nightmares (at least that's how I think of them.) Opioids make me nauseated, too. I tend not to like them. I hope your teeth are better soon!

As for the rest...you know, I really think it's all a part of the process of divorce. Especially after a long marriage. I've been divorced a couple years, and to be honest, I still grieve occasionally (the loss of the family as I knew it.) Major milestones that would have been a family event, tend to bring it up (like my kid leaving for college.) My mother is terminally ill and I know that just intensifies the residual grief and nostalgia. At the moment, I'm feeling a really strong desire to be mono. Of course, Blue is very much poly, lol. I really think these feelings are stemming from the grief over my mother's illness, grief over the kid leaving, and work stress. I'm hoping that it's a temporary thing....since most things are. But, we'll see. I'm also feeling a desire to spend more time at home, more time with the kids, more time with my mother, etc.

At any rate, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way.
 
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