So I now am only taking the opiates to sleep. But I think I'm gonna stop even doing that. Last night I was too tired to eat dinner, and I took the pills and went to bed. I had horrible nightmares. And woke up at midnight needing to go to the bathroom, staggered in there, felt utterly messed up and nauseous and awful. Woke up at 4am from bad dreams, not knowing where I was and not feeling anything. Strange and numb and almost inhuman.
The nightmare I woke up from:
A family, Old Wolf and two small boys who were Ninja and Q as little kids. Two versions of me. One was "his wife" who had died. Her part was played by the woman from The Shining. The other version was the "new wife." I was looking through her eyes. But for some reason both of them were me.
I can't explain that. It doesn't make sense to me. The dead woman was me. The me I knew to be me. But I was playing a part, I was the new woman. I was an actress in a role that wasn't me, and another woman was playing my role. ??
So. We were in a house that was not any home we've ever lived in or anyplace I've ever seen, but it was our home. And the woman was dead on the couch. She had died, but there was a process. During the process, her corpse would lie there, but it would move and talk. Twitch. Flail around a bit. Open eyes and say nonsense words like a sleep talker. All part of the process of death, after the woman dies. Just a slightly more animated corpse. But to honor her, she's got to be allowed to lie there in her home until her corpse stops its functions and is ready to be buried.
The kids are playing on the floor. That is their Mom on the couch. The corpse of their Mom that won't stop talking and moving. I find it really horrifying. I keep asking Old Wolf to do something. How can he think this is ok, that the children see their mother's corpse just lying there, occasionally flailing an arm or saying some gibberish or drooling... And now he's put a needle in her arm to speed up the process. We leave the room to go talk. The kids are still in there, but things are peaceful and they love their mother so it's ok. And then one of them starts yelling for us. We go in, the corpse has pulled the needle from her arm, she's half sitting up, and shit, she is going to stab one of the children with that needle, someone DO SOMETHING...
And I woke up.
I lay there in the dark, but there was artificial light coming from the window (street lamps outside)...and it was raining and very quiet. I lay there with my eyes open. So clear but so blank. I had no idea where I was, but I had no thoughts or feelings in that moment. I was like a pane of glass in a grey room.
I think I'm doing better now. I had no appetite this morning, though I knew I didn't eat last night, I just want to get all of the medication out of my system. I didn't take any pain medicine. No ibuprofen or anything. My teeth are a little sore but it's ok, I think I'll be fine. And my stomach is settling...I was nauseous earlier. Zen and I have lunch today. I hope we go at 11 and I hope we go somewhere like Ihop. I think some basic breakfast food and orange juice would do me good. At least I hope so. Right now I just feel really cold, even though I put a warm hoodie on, I can't get warm.
I'm talking this way because I have felt so...off. I don't know if the meds were to blame or not. But I hope to feel better soon. I feel weird and I don't like it.
I was considering my weekend plans for tonight. Zen is working the closing shift, so I won't see him tonight but we'll get our time tomorrow. I could go to Denver. People might want to play Cards Against Humanity with me. And I hear they do get up to some play on "Tipsy Geek Night" up there...even though I don't drink I think it might be fun. Dom Sabre will be there. It would be, if I were interested, a golden opportunity to get some play with him. And this is why I think that poly just isn't right for me at this point...because I can acknowledge how hot I thought he was when we met and how much I wanted things to happen, then. And I can still see him and think, "yeah, he's definitely an attractive dude by my own standards." And yet...and yet... I run ideas past my mind and then read my gut's answer to those ideas.
Sabre and conversation. A dinner date. Friendship.
Gut says: GOOD.
Sabre at a party watching me get worked over by Zen.
Gut says: GOOD.
Sabre putting a hand on my knee or arm or giving me a friendly hug.
Gut says: GOOD.
Sabre topping me at a party. Zen present. Touch level: Service Top.
Gut says: OK...
Sabre topping me at a party. Zen present. Touch level: Romantic interest.
Gut says: STOP! NO.
DON'T WANT ZEN TO FEEL BAD FEELS. DON'T WANT THE TOUCH. UNCOMFORTABLE NOW.
Sabre topping me at a party. Zen not present.
Gut says: NO. DON'T. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN. SICK THINKING ABOUT IT.
Sabre and I being intimate, sexual, even kissing.
Gut says: FUCK NO. No no no no no. Panic.
OK there we go, so the Spork that would have happily chased him to a party last year now does not want to get it on with her crush.
And I feel fairly similarly about Supernova. The idea of them seeing me naked, or topping me with the limitations of a party where they won't push into intimate behavior because they don't have the consent for it...alright. I AM an exhibitionist. But I plain and simple don't desire anyone but Zen. I still say that it would be silly to take a stance that "That will never change." That's one area in which I really don't understand or agree with standard issue monogamy...I don't know how you can realistically expect things to not change. Things usually do. Life has a way of making it that way. There just isn't any way to know HOW they will change. Zen might develop an interest in another woman, just as possible as me developing an interest in another man. Or woman. Who the hell knows? So the whole premise of that vow in marriage is just...I don't know. Odd. To me. Unrealistic.
But I find that between my odd feelings about myself, and my odd feelings about men...I just don't really want to go to the party in Denver. I'm not in a Denver mood, I'm not in a party mood, and I most sure as fuck am not in a "party like a single chick without my Zen" mood.
So. I could, alternately, go to First Fridays which takes place at a bar instead of a kink venue, and just go be social. But I am really leaning heavily towards "no" on that, too. People now congregate in the smoking area, because new management and new clientele have made all other areas uncomfortable for us. And I am a recent non-smoker. Thus far the only times I've been tempted to cheat on my quitting, is when I'm hanging out socially with smokers. So I'm feeling like avoiding that.
Long story short, I think I'm gonna take the kid to get his hair cut and go to bed early tonight...