Leaf on the Wind

In other news, I learned yesterday that I didn't get the job. And then I slept eight hours. The dreams were still fucked up, but not nearly as stressful!
 
I'm still having some screwed up dreams, but they're not preventing me from sleeping. I am, however, moderately depressed and filled with a general tiredness and desire to sleep. Unfortunately, I can't sleep at work. I think it's some combination between February (which is when the seasonal seems to hit the hardest) and the likelihood of impending period. I'm trying not to read too much into it.

Raven proposed that we go to a community board game thing on Friday, which sounds like a lot of fun. It's the same one I went to with Marian, where she used to work, but Marian and Ranger have moved out of the country so I don't have to worry about the awkwardness of running into them. I'm going to take Above and Below, because I've had an itch to play it lately but no small enough board game group to play it with.

I've been rolling around in bed a lot with Guitarist lately, though, despite the winter malaise, which is super nice after the dry spell we had during the fall and early winter. I think my increased libido from visiting Flame kick-started that initially, but lately Guitarist has been initiating, and I want him all the time so that's great with me. He hasn't been feeling very well physically so I'm mostly just trying to read his signals and let him show me when he's interested.

My dog is back to 110% dog, absolutely going stir-crazy from winter at this point. Her and the cats are driving me nuts. Sometimes I just want to relax without a bunch of creatures TOUCHING ME ALL THE TIME ARGH but that doesn't seem like a thing I can get right now, except at work.

Work is fine, except I don't want to do it because I'm feeling meh and it's work. And one of my good work friends retired yesterday. I'm somewhere between happy for her, jealous, and missing her. It doesn't make for getting a lot of work done.
 
My date with Raven ended up getting canceled. I was sick, she was on her period and didn't feel like coming out. She said that she would have canceled the board gaming plans anyway because of how she was feeling.

I'm utterly not shocked.

I've been pretty ambivalent about this relationship for a while now. It hasn't really escalated to the point I'd like. I haven't even asked for overnights or weekends because I just don't feel that strongly. And I continue to struggle with it. I don't feel like a priority. But at the same time, I don't really want to seek out a new relationship, so I don't exactly feel like I'm being prevented from anything else, here, even by having my Friday nights theoretically blocked off.

Half the time I'm tempted to say "this isn't working," and the other half the time I just don't want to go through the drama of another breakup. I feel so "meh" about the relationship this second week, every time. When I see her, it's great. But I want it to be great all the time. But it isn't and I'm ultimately the one choosing to continue it. At least some of me feels that I don't have any right to break up with Raven because I really like her and she's done nothing wrong. And I know I don't have to justify why it's not working, not to her and not to myself, but man it feels crappy to contemplate ending something that's okay just because it's ONLY okay instead of fabulous.

If I ever start dating again, I'm going to have to be really clear that I refuse to be anyone's poly/lesbian training wheels. Between Raven and Marian, I'm so tired of opening up to women who are questioning and exploring and then not being treated seriously by them. Maybe next time I'll start looking on a lesbian-focused dating app, even though I've historically felt really excluded from or outright unwelcome in lesbian spaces.
 
It's been snowing like crazy lately. This is part of the reason I'd have trouble seriously dating anyone father away than Small City, which is about 20 minutes for me in good weather. In bad weather, 20 minutes turns into 1+ hours, and an hour would turn into 2 or 3. Just too much transit time! Especially since driving makes me anxious, and driving in bad weather turns that up to 11. Unless we're really good at staying connected over texts, the sheer amount of missed time would wreak havoc on my bonds.

Speaking of which, I didn't get to see Raven on Friday since that was the main snow day. I think we got about 7 inches. I worked from home part of the day and took vacation for the rest. We'll be at three weeks by this Friday, which I might have to cancel depending on how my IUD removal and new insertion goes this week. In theory it won't be so bad. I was only in pain a couple hours the first time I had this procedure, but then I got a seriously painful infection in my uterus. I'm going to remind them about that and maybe get prophylactic antibiotics this time. I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Just like that, though, I'm off of crisis about this relationship. I'm back to "it is what it is, if nothing else it's fun to cuddle and watch a good show." I think my anxiety and depression tend to latch onto my Raven thing whenever I'm feeling hormonal or otherwise down. Just giving myself permission TO end it even for "no good reason" makes that desire go away though.

I don't know. My brain is pretty weird I guess.

I had fun doing Pathfinder with Irish yesterday. It's one of my old groups' set of brothers, plus my vet, plus another vet who might or might not play with us again. There were five dogs there, but between the terrier (so loud) and the leonbergers (so huge) it felt more like eight dogs. A lot of time was wasted waiting on the younger brother to show up (1.5 hours late) and then to go get pizza in the middle (he got stuck and the vet had to plow), but it was nice to be social.

Tonight is grocery night with Guitarist. Not my favorite of nights, but we get dinner while we're out, so that's something top look forward to.

I've been deep in the winter blues, lately, but I hope they stay receded for now. I have too much stuff to do this week to deal with them!
 
And now my fucking furnace is going out and needs to be replaced. I get that all of our appliances were probably purchased at the same time about 30 years ago but if I could catching a financial fucking break here that would be really nice.
 
My poor infrequent updates. Apparently I changed my password on my phone and can't figure it out for my home computer. Since I've been busy at work lately, I'm not sitting around with a lot of time and my phone.

On Friday, I had an issue with Raven. We'd talked and the plan was she would be driving Ravenhub somewhere after work, but she would be home at 6, so I'd just go there after work. I was fine with arriving at 5:45 if traffic was good, and sitting for 15 minutes or so. She texted me at 5:30 that she'd just gotten home, and I responded cool and that I'd leave work.

Her car was there when I arrived at 5:45, so I texted her that I was there. Her messenger had her listed as online but the message didn't get read so I sat in the parking lot reading for about 5 minutes. At which point she and Ravenhub came out, got into their car without looking at me, and drove off. ...my car was parked two spaces away and there weren't any cars between us.

So, yeah, I just started heading home.

She texted me at 6 and I pulled into a gas station. She said that she was going to be another 15 to 20 minutes, and that she was sorry I had "just pulled in as she was leaving." So, uh, instead of greeting me and inviting me in, the better option was to make me wait in my car for an hour? I told her that I'd decided to go home.

We had a long text conversation about how she's been feeling pressured by having a regular night and anxious. She's usually beat by Friday night and acknowledges that the quality of our time and her time management haven't been great, and she's been really depressed this winter. I acknowledged that my anxiety doesn't make me friendly to last minute schedule changes and that I need time commitments, and if she's not able to meet that, I understand but I can't continue in the relationship. Ultimately we decided to cut back from a regular night and go to something a little later, so she has time to unwind after work (she could have said that at any time, but it's never come up), and try to focus on quality over quantity.

Honestly, I love seeing her when I see her, but I'm feeling pretty burned by this last incident. So maybe it will turn into a soft breakup. I'm not sure that I care one way or another at this point. I'm also depressed and had a hard IUD replacement Wednesday, though, which seems to have kicked off my period, so I'm not sure how I'll feel about it later.

I have counseling tonight, and I intend to work through this with someone less invested and close to it.
 
Not much new to report. Guitarist is talking about getting his testing done so we might be able to do unprotected things soon. My post-Flame tests remain negative, which is expected but also nice. I miss Flame right now, but that's pretty par for the course. The worries I thought I might have about our future remain a non-issue. I've loved him for years and will continue to love him, despite distance or any physical aspect to our relationship.

Meanwhile, my processing areas. I'm supposed to be hanging out with Raven next Wednesday. Honestly, it feels more like a cuddle-buddy-ship than a lover-ship to me at this point. I'm trying to decide whether I even want to see her, myself. I almost more expect her to cancel than expect it to go through.

One thing that I didn't post about here when it happened was that I talked with Guitarist and Spice about using my shared bedroom with Guitarist, and tried to work out some reasonable guidelines so that they could use the room without me freaking out (for instance, when our dog is being impossible). Mostly because a guest bed keeps getting pushed back by financial concerns, and I want them to feel just as welcome to have dates at our house as hers. I'm still really not comfortable with the idea, even though it's Spice and I like and trust her, but I want to work on that about myself. Dates at our house are very rare so I doubt it'll happen soon, if it all.

The thing is, after stating my requests and boundaries, and them agreeing it all sounds reasonable, I haven't obsessed over it. No intrusive thoughts, no nightmares. Am I. ... am I making progress on my anxiety. ... it's hard to believe, but I can see it in my life that I am. I just hope that if/when they decide/need to use the room, I remain chill as I am right now and don't lose my shit.
 
I had been going to post this as a response in opal's blog but then it got long, so I'm putting it here instead.

Nowadays, I use pansexual. But I identified as a lesbian for decades. I felt like every lesbian woman who had gotten involved with a woman and wasn’t just rejected but treated like the relationship didn’t exist, didn’t matter, and wasn’t important.

This really resonates with me. I get it that some women are going to explore and decide they don't dig the vag. But how does that turn into treating people like the whole relationship doesn't matter? We don't treat our nonsexual friends like that! It's intensely frustrating to me, personally, and you have my utmost empathy on this point.

I feel like we need a dating site of our own. Polyamorous women who really actually dig women and want a real, actual relationship with another woman who also likes women as more than a sex toy in a relationship with their existing male partner AND WE REALLY MEAN IT.
 
I struggle with this. I never mind people exploring. My sexuality has wandered all over the place. So it feels wrong to not allow that space to others. So I guess I’m ok if there is good faith? If I felt it I mattered, even if the relationship didn’t go where I preferred? If I am treated as real, as another fellow human, I can handle not being the preferred genitalia? I dunno. Maybe.

I also never want to be those women who seem to hate or fear people who are more fluid in sexuality (or gender but I’ve only experienced fluid sexuality.) Some lesbian women really fear bisexual and/or pansexual women. I’ve never understood why. Any woman can treat another like shit.

Thank you for thinking about this. It’s hard to tease out sometimes.
 
I also don't mind people who are exploring, especially when they're open and honest about that they're exploring. And sexualities do shift. I've gone from full lesbian to considering myself bi or pan, all while various places on the seuxality/ace spectrum. I agree with you about good faith, and being treated like a human being. Sometimes, people just... don't dig the vag. I don't understand those people, but they probably don't understand why my demisexuality functions the way it does. And you don't know if you dig the vag until you've tried a vag or two, I get that.

But the way I read your blog, it seemed like you were getting told 'we no longer have a relationship, and furthermore, I was faking it/not that into you all along,' which just seems inestimably cruel. Maybe I was misreading the situation. But I've been on the receiving end of that, and it makes me vicariously furious to think about someone else enduring that kind of treatment.

And it also makes me think about Raven, who claimed to be curious about women, and has utterly failed to seem interested in anything beyond making out. She's fun to kiss and a great cuddler, but I'm pretty deeply disappointed that in a year she's never made a move for my bra, or seemed to more than tolerate me making a move for hers. Maybe she is into women but just not into me, which would be totally fine, but, like... tell me that? She keeps saying that she's into me and there's not a lot backing it up, and not a lot of responsiveness to my overtures, which I think has been eating at my self-confidence.

I think I've known for a while that my relationship with Raven is on the way out, and I've been trying to hold onto it by the tips of my fingers. Despite that breaking up sucks and no one likes it, I don't really like where I am right now anyway, so maybe I should just be done with it. I'm going to continue to reflect on this.

I'm still not sure I'm in the best place to make a decision, though. Certainly not on a night where I'm in a place where I spent half an hour crying on my couch because I got lost in my car in heavy traffic and had a panic attack and then missed an event I was really looking forward to because I Just Could Not Anymore and then proceeded to self-talk myself about how I'm a shitty friend and broken human being. Serious decisions should probably wait.
 
So I ultimately came down on the side of that Friday's behavior was not loving behavior, I deserve to be treated better, and the lack of "hell yes" indication from both sides had been strong for a while so it was time to call it like it was. I told Raven our 'ship wasn't working for me as a girlfriendship and that I really enjoyed many of her qualities and didn't want to hurt her, but I'd rather have a cuddle friendship if we were going to maintain a 'ship. That she responded that she appreciated my honesty, values me as a person, and thought a step back to friendship would be "a Good Thing" makes me wonder why I didn't do this a while ago, or why she didn't just say something herself. Ah well, it's done now.

Anyway, I'm in a weird grieving place where I feel both relieved and sad. Why do labels have such power? I feel like I now have the ability to stop worrying about a bunch of crap I've been worrying about. But no one made me worry about anything! Is there really a difference between a highly casual girlfriend and a cuddle friend? I think not. But it makes a big difference to me in terms of just letting it bee what it is instead of pining about how I'd rather it was a different thing.

Since becoming officially poly, I've dated and been dumped and cheated on and dumped people and none of it feels good. But I've also seen my relationship with Guitarist grow healthier and stronger, and my relationship with Flame go from a highly loving friendship into the lovership it feels like it has meant to be for years, and I've made some good and varied friends when that seems so hard to do otherwise as an adult, so I don't know. More positive than negative, I guess.

I was talking with... shoot, having a hard time what I named her here, the vet I saw briefly... Emma, or maybe I'm just thinking that because it's my sister's dog's name... anyway, it seems like her triad is threatening to split into a V right now because her spouse is seeing a new woman and their girlfriend is taking it poorly. It always seems like it's something else, with poly, and sometimes I wonder if I'm just not suited to it.

I told Guitarist the other night that I think I'll never date again. And he snorted and said that I've said that before. When I get discouraged I try to remind myself that I dated probably a dozen men and six women for varying lengths of time before I found him, and even our relationship is work sometimes and not 24/7 sunshine and roses, so four dating things that didn't work out really isn't that much.

I still think I'm going to spend a good long while cuddling my geriatric cat, writing, and playing video games before I go out into the dating world again though. I'm tired and done.
 
I had a good counseling session, yesterday, which helped with processing the end of my gilrfriendship with Raven. I am even more firmly convinced that I made the right decision there. I'm still sad and working through some grieving stuff, but I do think this is for the best. Even though I'm not ready to date again, we talked about strategies for when I do, and worked through some of my feelings of discouragement. My therapist is awesome. She isn't the kind that just nods silently while I talk (I hate that school of therapy) but instead offers interesting insights, and disagrees with me, or asks me to defend my position, which really helps me develop my thoughts.

Things with Guitarist are still wonderful, things with Flame are still wonderful even though he had a depressed period recently. He stopped texting, but I know that's how he gets, withdrawn and so on when he's depressed. I sent him fond thoughts when I was worried about him, and he got out of it, as usual.

Ah! Look at the time, can't be late for work!
 
I'm still here! With my Raven crisis over, though, I haven't had as much processing to do. My relationships with Guitarist and Flame are predictable, loving, and supportive, so I'm a happy woman. I'm not pining for anything else yet so I'm just going to be happy with what I have, while this lasts.

In health world, I've been better. It's that rough-weather period between winter and spring, and my sinuses suck and hate me, so I've been living with a headache for a week and a half, now. As of last night, I'm pretty sure I can add an ovarian cyst onto the list. Sharp stabbing pain last night, as if someone stabbed me in the back near the kidney, and a low aching pain today that hurts more if I twist. Not as bad as the one that sent me to the hospital the first time, maybe because I'm not freaking out about it, but when added on top of a headache, I was considering calling in to work today.

But I'm going to go in, because I want to save my sick time.
 
There are no really major updates in the Leaves household. My friend Thrash has stood me up for two Saturday hang-outs in a row, and I know that if we were dating I'd be annoyed, but we aren't! So I'm not! It's pretty fabulous.

Instead, I had a date day with Guitarist on Saturday and we binge-watched the second season of Jessica Jones. We also went out to my mom's for dinner Sunday, and it was just us and my brother, so it was nice and low-stress.

Spice is going to be out of the country for three weeks on a huge vacation with Spicewife. I hope Guitarist doesn't pine too badly.

I'm planning on going out to visit Flame over the week of July 4th. He's been doing relatively well, I've been doing well, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's becoming clear though that Flame is a gift'er. So far, just candles when I said I wished I had something that smelled orange, and tea for my struggles with a sinus headache. Gifts is SO not one of my love languages, and this will take some getting used to. I worry that he might feel neglected that I don't send him a bunch of gifts back or something, but not worried enough to talk to him about it.
 
I'm still around, still no major updates. I'm planning a trip out to see Flame in July, probably over July 4th. Guitarist and I are continuing to be awesome. I haven't seen or heard much from Raven, which is fine by me, and I'm not really in a place where I want to start seeing anyone else.

In other words, my life is pretty stable and boring in a satisfying way.
 
I had a conversation with Flame a few days ago about how much I want to know if he starts seeing someone else. I told him as much as he usually tells me. That's one of the things we've always talked about, his interests and who he's seeing, and it would be weird to put an artifical barrier on that. I told him I don't want to know the intimate details, though, because that's very privacy-beachy stuff.

Apparently he's been worrying about this for a while. I told him if she's poly, that's great, but if she's mono, I'm happy stepping back to a non-physical relationship. I didn't tell him I wouldn't care, because I would, but that I'd be happy he found someone, which is also true. I'd also like time to do emotional processing instead of having to do it all at once.

I sent him More Than Two, but I don't know that he's read much of it. He's more of an audiobook guy, which I should have realized but didn't. Ah well.

Meanwhile, Guitarist told me about something Magical said that still has me pissed off days later. He goes over there once a week to game with Magical, Bee, and their housemate. This week it was just Magical and Bee, and they were like, just so you know, Magical's new girlfriend is coming over. Apparently, after Bee went to bed, Magical "joked" to New GF about Guitarist breaking up with her because she wouldn't have sex with him.

Whoa. There are so many negative connotations to that kind of joke that I can't even. Despite the fact that it isn't true and Guitarist pulled a fade because he fell into a deep depression back when his dad was hospitalized and he just didn't leave the house and be social, and he got so guilt-ridden and anxious about not seeing he that he just went into Avoidance Mode. Which Magical doesn't know, and it was totally a shitty way for him to end that relationship, but still.

Part of the fault is his because he and Magical don't communicate directly. And this isn't the first time I've heard about Magical obliquely "joking" about the end of their relationship. As someone who lives a life of dry humor, I know about joking and people taking you seriously. But the situation doesn't read as a joke, to me. It reads as a passive-aggressive airing of a grievance in a venue in which the other person can't respond.

It's a bunch of Not My Problem. And Guitarist will resolve it by talking about it with her, or not.

It still pisses me off.
 
So Guitarist came home very upset from his gaming night over at Magical's house last night. Apparently he wasn't able to have the full talk he wanted to have with her, and ended up feeling very rejected because he didn't even get a goodbye when he went home. And possibly for another reason, he wasn't at his most articulate. He came home saying he was heartbroken, which really sucks. I hate seeing him in pain.

He irked me at one point. He clearly wanted to unload about the situation, but after talking a,while, he said, I know what you're going to say, the same thing Spice said. Which kind of irks me because Spice and I are not the same person and I highly doubt we have the same things to say. Even if we did, you'd think there would be some value in also hearing it from me. But he was pretty upset so I'm just going to try to let that go. We all say stupid things when we're upset.

Anyway, I agree he was a dick when he faded out on her in the winter. That doesn't justify being treated poorly, especially after such mixed signals. It seems like they were having fun hanging out as friends or in some kind of unspecified relationship thing. I don't know why this apparent bitterness on her part is bubbling to the surface now, after he was invited to come hang out and has been doing so regularly for a while, but I'm not in the situation so I couldn't say.

I told him he should figure out what he wants and then talk to her about what's going on. He says he wants to figure out her intent. I honestly don't see why her intent is relevant when her actions are what's being hurtful, but I have to keep reminding myself--not my 'ship.

tldr; I want to shake them both and tell them to just talk to each other.

He said he was waiting to talk to her in person, but now that that hasn't worked, he'll probably text her. I really do not understand the obsession people have about talking things out in person instead of over text. Text is so much more private and gives you the opportunity to organize your thoughts and examine your feelings before you respond. Purr was like that, too, always wanting to have difficult conversations in person. I never have understood that, and I probably never will.

Meanwhile, it's hard to believe it's been two months since I ended things with Raven. We still text occasionally, but I'm not really missing her. Here's your sign, I suppose.

I'm so glad to be not dating right now, but I'm starting to feel those "what if" and "maybe it would be nice to" feelings again. Uuuuugh. I wish I could push them away with a ten foot pole and have them stay gone. Curiosity has killed that cat so many times, now.

After I get paid this week, I'm going to buy my train tickets out to see Flame in July. I'm looking at June 30 to July 7, so Saturday to Saturday. We have some plans in the works, but everything is tentative. He wants to take me out to the House on the Rock, which is a meaningful place to him, and we'll likely do trivia with his friends and go on a couple nature walks. All in all, I'm very much looking forward to the vacation and the company.
 
It seems that Guitarist and Magical have worked things out. By talking about them primarily over text. I'm utterly shocked by this shocking development. It sounds like she apologized for being hurtful and thought that because they had joked about their breakup in the past that it would be okay to joke about.

It seems like there's some other things going on though. I guess she's thinking about going mono with the new girlfriend and moving to California or something like that. It sounds like typical NRE bullshit and I'm glad I'm not involved. She hasn't told her partner that she's thinking about doing these things, and she's confused why everyone is acting weird around the new gf. So many red flags.

Guitarist is going to maybe go over there in a friendship capacity today. I'm just glad he got some resolution and isn't feeling heartbroken and emotionally wrecked. Direct communication, winning again.

I also kind of had a talk with him last night about the questions I've been dealing with about my gender identity for the last while. I don't feel like a woman, and never really felt comfortable being a woman. I don't feel like I understand or belong to that tribe at all. But I know I'm not a man. Thinking of myself as a man would involve as much playing pretend, for lack of a better way to phrase it, that I already do being a woman. I don't really think I have a gender, though sometimes I'm femme, either to fit in (at work) or because I feel like being pretty one day. And other days I feel like nothing at all and want nothing to do with femaleness. So maybe I'm some variety of nonbinary or genderqueer. Maybe I'm a gender nonconforming woman. I don't know. It's driving me pretty mad.

Why does it matter? I'm not sure it does. I'm not fundamentally changing anything about myself. There are no medical decisions I desire or need to make. I did get intensely disappointed when I was looking into binders and discovered that they are strongly recommended against for people with asthma, which is what kicked off this whole thing this time (last time, it was being that a character I wrote and really identified with would be perceived as nonbinary). And, what would I do about it? I honestly don't know.
I don't want to live full-time without a gender. And I honestly don't think I care that much. It's mostly coming to the fore now because I was shockingly, intensely disappointed about the binder thing. I don't want to insist that my family or job refer to me differently. I've posted alternative they/them pronouns in a poly group I belong to. I would feel like I'm playing pretend to insist on them, though. Like. ... if I don't care enough myself, why should other people?

Mostly, I feel too old to be dealing with this shit.

Anyway, that's what I've been wrestling with while I don't have any poly issues dragging me down. Because my brain has to wrestle with something, I suppose!
 
No, they're all nicknames.

Guitarist's stuff with Magical has resolved in a satisfactory way for him. They're going to remain friends, though her whole situation is fraught with drama. Guitarist is planning on going over there tonight for his usual games night stuff. I'm worried that because Magical decided to open a can of worms with NewCowgirlfriend there that she's the kind of person who only feels safe starting difficult conversationswith witnesses around, so she might decide to break up with Bee on a game night, leading to intense awkwardness for Guitarist. I hope that's just me over-extrapolating the data, though.

He's also resolved to be more socially active with his friends, from realizing how isolated Magical is right now, which I think will be good for him. As long as he doesn't let his music and house stuff slide. I feel really good about supporting him creatively and having him take care of the house work stuff. I feel much less great when I think about him abandoning all progress on his album or the yard work and anything but keeping up with the dishes because he can reliably only do one thing a day, and if that thing is socialize with someone somewhere else, where does it leave our agreements about the house work? I don't feel that it's fair to me to be both the person who works full time and the person who does the housework.

I get all kinds of jealous feelings (I wish someone else would pay the bills so I could write full time!) and used feelings (am I just a meal ticket, here?) around our arrangement. The last one is a bunch of patriarchy bullshit, but it still takes energy to struggle with that kind of stuff, even when you know it's wrong.

Ultimately, I think pre-judging the situation is not be fair to him and I should just see how it pans out.

In other poly news, Thrash finally came out on Saturday. He was over an hour late, as usual, but it was good to see him!

Though our conversation did wander into territories that I wish it hadn't. We were talking about my breakup with Raven, and what happened there, and he asked if I could date him. Like, if Guitarist would be okay with that (looooool monogamous people and their relationship ownership stuff is so foreign to me these days). So I told him that I could, I have an LDR with a guy, I mostly date women because I mostly like female relationship energy.

Thinking about it, both Guitarist and Flame are sweet, sensitive guys. I'd say they both have some strong feminine traits that I find very appealing. Anyway.

He asked if I'd consider dating him. So I told him that I don't do casual flings or relationships with monogamous people, because I don't want to get very attached and then get thrown over when something "better" comes along.

I think the reason I don't do friends with benefits, even though I end up attracted to most of my friends, is that I get way too emotionally attached and REALLY enjoy those benefits. And then they would have to end when my (mono) friends find their next escalator partner.

That might happen with Flame. But I know that with him, our emotional intimacy has survived quite a few relationships on his end. I know I'd be hurt, but I also know we wouldn't be awkward and keeping our friendship would be worth getting over myself. Anyway, I'm digressing again.

Thrash asked me if he could kiss me, to which I responded "no but thank you so much for asking." Despite my saying no, I got the stomach flutter attraction feelings and I did really want to kiss him. It just would not have been a good idea without talking about things way more, first. And without me making a couple of decisions. Even if he decided poly might be for him... he's so not punctual. Which results in me actually seeing him when scheduled feeling more like a pleasant surprise. Which isn't what I like in relationships.

I sent Thrash links to a couple polyamory sites and haven't heard back. So maybe that will resolve without me having to decide if I want a second long-distance thing. I think I would be fine with it, with the right kind of attentive, responsible person. I don't think Thrash is that person though.

Score one for the logic brain, I suppose. Poly is hard in this way, where there is no reason I COULDN'T have a fling with someone like Thrash, a long-term friend who hits all my demisexual buttons. Except emotionally, it wouldn't be the right choice for me, without some very clear negotiations of expectations and so on in advance. So it wouldn't be a fling after all.
 
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