Finding myself in a poly world

yes a play on words.


so i am just going to dive right in and hope that his journal of sorts just grows organically.


a slight back story. I had a LDR and I was/married about 2 years ago. The LDR ended rather poorly a few months later i found out i was pregnant with M.M.s baby and just stop dating. Worrying about my job and my baby was my only concern.

fast forward to now.Job is going great (its been a long road) and marriage is really good we have decided to open it up again.
I would rather not go into detail on what did during that time just because i wanted to make this a short back story.

I opened up my Okcupid account again. Currently I am talking to 3 potential partners.
Here is my problem. number one "Army man"is married. We hit it off right away. our match percent is in the 90's. But his wife is not open to him dating, I do not date people who are married and hiding it. it never ends well so to me why start this way. Second physically i am not attracted to him. I do not wish to lead him on. I have already told him that I am only looking for friendship.

Number two "Mr. Big"lives pretty far from me and is only interested in one thing. He however is hot as hell. Again i see this going no where because i want more. I want more than hot sex. I want to take care of someone and to be taken care of. Also the fact that he lives to far away would make things hard long term. I could do it but long term is not ideal.

Number three "Shades"lives near me, we are attracted to each other but He is seriously like talking to a door. He is getting better but oh my goodness this is taking a lot of time and a lot of energy from me.

Can the three men be combined and made into one? Lol.
 
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Oh how things happen so fast in the poly world. People move very fast. Maybe too fast for me sometimes. I am the type of person to ponder things to no end.
I know that about myself so I tend to just jump in usually (how I got my car) or I ponder so much nothing comes of it (why it's taking me 2 years to buy a house) but alas I think jumping in to a persons life needs to be somewhere in the middle.


Back to why I came here. Here I was sitting after yesterday's post unsure on how to move forward Army Man texted me stating that he told his wife we are talking and if I was cool with him giving her my handle on kik. I said yes. i have no reservation with talking to her. So he did and we talked. Nothing deep. No questions were asked. Just every day life stuff. It went well. So I'm at a crossroads of sorts. I know what I am going to do. I plan on continuing to see where this is leading me but I also wonder if I am making the best choice. I know what he wants. I'm just not sure I want the same thing.
 
Have you met Army Man in person? If not, how attractive he is to you may be different in person than online. Some people just don't photograph well, others have an attractive energy around them, whatever that may be, that makes them so much more attractive in person than they are in photos. That's been my experience anyway, but I do admit that I have a wide range of physical types I find attractive and it's always their personality and their intelligence that determines whether they are just eye candy for me or really someone I could be in a relationship with.

Since you've told Army Guy that you are looking for friends, I don't see the harm in meeting for coffee if you haven't met. Friends meet for coffee all the time. This way, you'll know if your attracted to him in person and that will only make your decision easier, I would think.

And just because someone offers you something that you want, it doesn't mean you have to say yes. You want to date but aren't sure if Army Guy is the person you want to date. There's nothing wrong with saying that you aren't interested. I've dated at least one person since we opened up our marriage that I probably should have said no to before anything started but I was feeling bad about the fact that I wasn't really in any relationships and he was so very excited about me. It is much, much harder to break up with someone because you realize that your initial reaction of not really being interested in them hasn't, and probably won't, change than it is to be honest about how you feel in the beginning and keep the relationship at a level you feel comfortable with (friendship is a type of relationship). I would still recommend meeting him in person if you haven't before making up your mind.
 
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Have you met Army Man in person? If not, how attractive he is to you may be different in person than online. Some people just don't photograph well, others have an attractive energy around them, whatever that may be, that makes them so much more attractive in person than they are in photos. That's been my experience anyway, but I do admit that I have a wide range of physical types I find attractive and it's always their personality and their intelligence that determines whether they are just eye candy for me or really someone I could be in a relationship with.

Since you've told Army Guy that you are looking for friends, I don't see the harm in meeting for coffee if you haven't met. Friends meet for coffee all the time. This way, you'll know if your attracted to him in person and that will only make your decision easier, I would think.

And just because someone offers you something that you want, it doesn't mean you have to say yes. You want to date but aren't sure if Army Guy is the person you want to date. There's nothing wrong with saying that you aren't interested. I've dated at least one person since we opened up our marriage that I probably should have said no to before anything started but I was feeling bad about the fact that I wasn't really in any relationships and he was so very excited about me. It is much, much harder to break up with someone because you realize that your initial reaction of not really being interested in them hasn't, and probably won't, change than it is to be honest about how you feel in the beginning and keep the relationship at a level you feel comfortable with (friendship is a type of relationship). I would still recommend meeting him in person if you haven't before making up your mind.

I have not met Army Man yet. We live a few miles from each other funny enough though. We even grew up in the same neighborhood. Very bizarre. I am going to give it a chance though. We get along amazing so far. Almost like we have known each other in past lives.

If it isn't going to work though I have no problem ending it. I'm pretty independent and do not like to keep people around for the sake of hurting them.
 
I have not met Army Man yet. We live a few miles from each other funny enough though. We even grew up in the same neighborhood. Very bizarre. I am going to give it a chance though. We get along amazing so far. Almost like we have known each other in past lives.

If it isn't going to work though I have no problem ending it. I'm pretty independent and do not like to keep people around for the sake of hurting them.

I hope my post didn’t make it seem like I was keeping the man I mentioned around to hurt him later. A lot of what I said only became clear to me about 3 months into the relationship and when I did realize it, I did immediately end the relationship. Some of what I said was only really apparent when I reflected back on the relationship. It probably would have been more apparent earlier on if we hadn't lived an hour and a half from each other and only saw each other 3 times in the 3 months.
 
I hope my post didn’t make it seem like I was keeping the man I mentioned around to hurt him later. A lot of what I said only became clear to me about 3 months into the relationship and when I did realize it, I did immediately end the relationship. Some of what I said was only really apparent when I reflected back on the relationship. It probably would have been more apparent earlier on if we hadn't lived an hour and a half from each other and only saw each other 3 times in the 3 months.

No I didn't think that is what you meant at all. I just meant I do not have a hard time ending things. In fact I have a harder time starting things sometimes.
 
Quick update.

Mr. Big is no longer around. Knew it wasn't going anywhere so no point.

Still talking to the other guy. Will update his name. Kinda forgot. She like talking to a wall. Also kind of weird.

But ok army man. Wants to meet. Great I'm up for that. Says meet as a family because my wife is involved in my stuff (me and her have talked back and forth on kik a few times now) I am cool with that. I ask well my guy can come to right? He says yay why has he never meet any of your boyfriends. Um hold up. We have not discussed what we are. A few mild flirts have gone back and forth but that's it. I am not even sure if I want to be his girlfriend. I like him as a friend. Even if we went placed alone I would be ok with that. I have no problems being friends with guys. Boyfriend/girlfriend. Yeah that can take me more time. Plus I have to meet the person. Feel attracted to them. I guess I am having a problem making things clear without them running. Am I open to things. Yes. Do I want to rush things. No. Meaning if go out with you and we hit it off then great. I don't want to be talking by text and go well when we meet up we will hold hands, kiss, etc. (don't saying he wants any of that but I'm more into feeling things out rather than talking about things that may never happen. Why set yourself up??
 
Wow, I would never have a first date with a guy, with his wife and my partner along. I want to establish whether I like the guy or not first. Why drag the spouses along for that? For me, they would be a distraction.

I am seeing some "we/couple privilege" going on with Army Guy. Ignorance about polyamory. For me, with my experience, I merely tell my partner Pixi if I am interested in meeting someone, if we've gotten to the point where were are planning a date. She doesn't meet him on my first date! I give her his name and phone number for safety's sake, that's it. Maybe only half or a third of my first dates work out to where there's a second date. And of them only another half or third get a third date. And of that, only a few actually turn into a good relationship. So why involve the spousal approval thing on a first date? It just complicates things.

Pixi may meet him on the second date if she's around when I invite him to our house. But it's not for her "approval" of him. She trusts my judgment. She has no say in whom I date. And if I mostly host, it can take even longer for me to meet the guy's partner/spouse (if he has one), or his friends and family.

This is just my take on things....
 
Wow, I would never have a first date with a guy, with his wife and my partner along. I want to establish whether I like the guy or not first. Why drag the spouses along for that? For me, they would be a distraction.

I am seeing some "we/couple privilege" going on with Army Guy. Ignorance about polyamory. For me, with my experience, I merely tell my partner Pixi if I am interested in meeting someone, if we've gotten to the point where were are planning a date. She doesn't meet him on my first date! I give her his name and phone number for safety's sake, that's it. Maybe only half or a third of my first dates work out to where there's a second date. And of them only another half or third get a third date. And of that, only a few actually turn into a good relationship. So why involve the spousal approval thing on a first date? It just complicates things.

Pixi may meet him on the second date if she's around when I invite him to our house. But it's not for her "approval" of him. She trusts my judgment. She has no say in whom I date. And if I mostly host, it can take even longer for me to meet the guy's partner/spouse (if he has one), or his friends and family.

This is just my take on things....

Thanks for the response. I'm surprise you got what I was saying from my ramble.

I was surprised he wanted to bring his wife too. Madman has never meet any of my past guys and doesn't care too. I only asked if he could go because of army man wanting to bring his entire family so I figured it was just friends meeting. I was very wrong. After I wrote that he asked me if I had thought about sleeping with "them". Honestly without meeting someone there is no way I can even answer that. I told him that wasn't something that was on my mind. It would take a lot for me to sleep with one person and even more to have a threesome. I am starting to wonder if he is confusing poly with swinging.
 
Reject. Block. Delete.

Next!

Right! Really sad too because I never saw it coming. We hit it off great. No sexy talk. I had even told him that sex is off the table for me right now (this was a few weeks ago). He forgot I guess.
 
After I wrote that he asked me if I had thought about sleeping with "them". Honestly without meeting someone there is no way I can even answer that. I told him that wasn't something that was on my mind. It would take a lot for me to sleep with one person and even more to have a threesome. I am starting to wonder if he is confusing poly with swinging.
Ewww, he hasn't even met you yet and wants you to think about fucking him and his wife?!!!??? Gross. Creepy!

Say buh-bye. Really. As Mags wrote, block him! Then put him on your ignore list, and delete his conversation from your inbox!
 
Ewww, he hasn't even met you yet and wants you to think about fucking him and his wife?!!!??? Gross. Creepy!

Say buh-bye. Really. As Mags wrote, block him! Then put him on your ignore list, and delete his conversation from your inbox!

Yep. It was so bizarre.
 
Wow! That is weird. I try to keep my guys separate until I am sure things are going someplace. I would never want to meet metamours until I've connected with a date first. Like, what is even the point?! I guess by asking about threesomes, the point is pretty clear in this place. But if you've taken all sex off the table, then this is even more inappropriate. I would definitely take a step back!
 
Wow! That is weird. I try to keep my guys separate until I am sure things are going someplace. I would never want to meet metamours until I've connected with a date first. Like, what is even the point?! I guess by asking about threesomes, the point is pretty clear in this place. But if you've taken all sex off the table, then this is even more inappropriate. I would definitely take a step back!


That threw me also. If the whole family were to meet then it would be a friend situation and I had thought that is what it was. So the question kind of surprised me. Also I think the question at this point in time is a little silly unless that is all you are looking for and to that I would say I'm not interested.

I had met a girl on OKC a few years ago. She lives a few hours from me. We talked online for a long time and be came Instagram friends. We decided to met and there was no sparks. Nothing. We are still online friends but the physical thing will never happen.

So me personally could never speculate how I will feel or how the other person will feel until we meet and putting expectations already I think just sets you up for disappointment if it doesn't work out. Instead of a missed opportunity for friendship.
 
When we first opened up our marriage, one of the men at the local poly support group found me on Okcupid and we started talking on there. There were a few red flags that made it so I wasn't really interested in dating him, though we did go on a first date, where even more red flags came up. The very first red flag was when we were talking about what rules or boundaries we had in our primary relationships and he told me that any time one of them had sex with an outside partner, the other spouse had to also be there. When I expressed concern about that rule, he said something about how I really shouldn't worry about it, that having the other spouse there made the whole experience better. I was left thinking "better for who?" Looking back, I really should have said no thanks right then, and I definitely would now, but at the time, I was so new to poly that I thought that maybe I was the weird one and that's a normal rule. I'm glad it never went beyond a first date.

I think I'd be asking for clarification on what he means by sex with them, if you are at all still interested in seeing where this goes. Then at least you'll have all the information you need to make a decision. If you aren't interested in seeing where it could lead, that's alright also.
 
So I am down to one from OKC. Shades and I think I will rename him surfer dude.

We have moved from talking on kik to texted talking. But he is still on and off again talking. He will talk then disapear. I find it very frustrating. Mostly because I don't know what he is wanting. Meaning is he just busy or is he really not interested in me but keeps talking to be nice. We were supposed to meet but our work schedule made it so I had to miss and he was super tired to meet anyway.
I very much do want to meet him but I am worried with the lack of conversation it might be weird and end up going no where anyway.

Army guy is out of the picture. Last he wrote me was to give me space to think about what I wanted. Well since I had already told him friends and no sex I am pretty sure this was an easy way out for him. I am surprised though how much I miss talking to him.

I keep going back from talking a break to keep pushing. I know being with one person does not interest me but finding someone is so hard.
 
We have moved from talking on kik to texted talking. But he is still on and off again talking. He will talk then disapear. I find it very frustrating. Mostly because I don't know what he is wanting. Meaning is he just busy or is he really not interested in me but keeps talking to be nice. We were supposed to meet but our work schedule made it so I had to miss and he was super tired to meet anyway.
I very much do want to meet him but I am worried with the lack of conversation it might be weird and end up going no where anyway.
I wouldn't necessarily see his pauses in texting as a bad sign. Many people just don't have the ability nor time to hang on their phones all day to text with someone. And, from what I've seen, most guys would rather meet in person sooner. There are a ton of men's profiles on OKC which state that they are not interested in "endless messaging." How long do you intend to be texting before you meet irl? I usually do it for no more than a week or two, although there were some that went on much longer.
 
I wouldn't necessarily see his pauses in texting as a bad sign. Many people just don't have the ability nor time to hang on their phones all day to text with someone. And, from what I've seen, most guys would rather meet in person sooner. There are a ton of men's profiles on OKC which state that they are not interested in "endless messaging." How long do you intend to be texting before you meet irl? I usually do it for no more than a week or two, although there were some that went on much longer.

I am hoping to meet this weekend. we both commute and have busy schedules so finding the right days has been somewhat of a challenge.
 
I went on a date! I am so giddy! I have not been on a date in forever. It was fabulous. We went to a local dive bar and talked and had a few drinks. I went on a date with surfer dude. He is so different. Very adult. About 10 years older than me. I really liked that part. I do worry though that he is too old school. but it was so nice to actually carry on a conversation with a person. He is in IT. Love that! I dig smart guys a lot. I am very curious as to where this is going to lead. Before I even got home he texted me how nice it was to meet tonight. :)
 
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