it just kind happened

WeWerentHunting

New member
I just lost a really long post involving a triad situation that the wife and I have found ourselves in and now I'm not going back through all the details that were so brilliantly written. She says expressed.

Let's just say there's been much stress involving a new old girlfriend, a recent job loss, a new job found and another far away job offer.

Its safe to say are all scared and I've pretty much already made up my mind but I'm concerned about including our girlfriend in the decision process while fearing that her reaction won't be favorable either way.

Since we've found this forum to have some challenging but encouraging things to say elsewhere we thought we'd join and ask for some advice.

BTW I'm 45 and the wife and our friend are 36 and only separated by less by than a month. They were "girlfriends" in highschool and the wife and I have been together since new years Y2k.
 
....I'm concerned about including our girlfriend in the decision process while fearing that her reaction won't be favorable either way.

Hi and welcome. :)

Can you say more about why you're fearful of including your GF in your planning? How long have the three of you been intimate together? Do you have kids?
 
There are some difficult to deal with issues of honesty and trust on her part. For starters. Both of my girls (an acceptable term of emdearmemt) are, shall we say damaged goods. Both my wife and girlfriend had been previously married. There are children involved but our son is about to turn 13 and our girlfriends daughter is almost 15.

The wife and I have been through many rough spot over the years as any other ltr would, bit for the most part we've worked through them. Our gf was in an unhealthy abusive relationship with her exhusband and father of her child (who she's fighting for custody) and hasn't been very clear with us about her current relationship which is 8 years running and was nearly a marriage. Between these unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships and us there has been some depression and my bipolar wife thinks they may share that too. For better or worse our gf has a self medicating problem for the depression and anxiety.

The three of us have been somewhat intimate since late January when I came home from work and gave them both a nice little greeting kiss. I knew they were together and wed hugged but knowing that she was at the house with the wife waiting for me to come home generated such a warm feeling that I just had to share it in return. It was apparently the right thing to do at the time since both reacted favorably. Other than that, we had one gentle little make out session at the gf's house one night that made the wife and I feel like pent up teenagers. I did my best to show them both that I could willingly share them and I'm fact the gf was between us so that we could all take turns kissing each other.

All this has been trying for all of us and in our minds, more so for the wife and I since we know how Mich we think of her but not how much she thinks about us. At the same time we know, now anyway, that her unfrequented ltr is still in the way. Our gf pulls away from uncomfortable situations and we have gone as long as a week without hearing from her. We have learned that we, I, have upset her in some way or the man she refers to as "my ex" has been let back into her house again. Where he can get a hot home cooked cooked meal while stinking up her house with cigarettes and staying up all night playing video games, then sleeps the day away before leaving for work. At which point we may or may not get a call to come pick up the pieces.

So, a long fill in to say that we have been completely open with her from the start in that we don't want a v type thing but have desire a fully shared experience. For us this means sharing everything including raising our children and other life decisions. Since we are currently in a rough patch we fear that she will be unhappy if we include her in the decision, but it could be worse if we don't. If she wants this relationship to work at her pace but then decides she's ready when I'm gone then what? What if she strings the wife along for a while when I'm away, how can I pick those pieces up? Or how can I say I'm here for you them make this decision without her?

Its kinda complicated, no?
 
so, to clarify, you guys have only really been involved in this triad for about 5 or 6 weeks? And it's been unstable the entire time?

While I don't practice hierarchy, I don't think at, if what I said above is correct, you guys have been together a long enough for the girlfriend to have any input on your life changing decisions. Regardless of how many people I am dating, they don't get any say in my life decisions until I've been dating them long enough to have made some kind of commitment to them. if you were single, and had just started dating a woman several weeks ago, would you consult her about life changing decisions? I'm not saying don't talk to her about it, but allowing someone who you've been seeing, sporadically at that, for less than 2 to 3 months to impact your life decisions just seems silly to me.
 
If you don't want to lose a long post, make sure you click on the "remember me" button when you sign in. Otherwise you will time out in 10 minutes.

When you say your wife and this other woman were "girlfriends" in high school, do you mean lesbian lovers or just close platonic friends? Just wondering how much history is here.

Referring to both your "girls" as "damaged goods" seems unnecessarily patronizing.

However, your new crush is still involved with her ex, who she cooks for and lets sit around her house smoking, or sleeping in her bed all day? She is still in an abusive situation. And she has another man as well, an 8 year relationship?

Why do you want to get involved with her again? Are you white knighting? Damsel in distress?

She sounds like she needs counseling more than a demand for a "triad" (ie 3way sex, no one on one sex or dating) with yet more romantic partners.

If you don't know how she feels about it all, try asking her.
 
Context, context, context.

The Wife, here.

Mags, thank you for your opinion.

However-- Let me first address the comment that struck me as the most upsetting. "girls" and "damaged goods". We find that any other phraseology is offensive-- I.E. "ole' ladies" "my bitches" or any other those epithets. We - both Our girlfriend and I -- do NOT take offense to being referred to as "his girls". It is NOT patronizing to us, no matter how it might come off to any one else.

My relationship with her in high school - the depth of emotion, potential physical contact, and anything else - was sufficient bring us back together after 20 years, never mind what happened; we were and are close.

Now, "damaged goods".......
I am a diagnosed and fully medicated BiPolar woman, who has suffered sexual abuse as a teen up till just before I met my current Hubby, as well as during the time of my childhood. It has taken almost the entirety of our relationship for me to be "OK" with who I am. Our girlfriend has also had many physically and sexually abusive situations, as well as mental and verbal abuse. She is also in the process of discovering that she might need some of the same counselling and assistance that I have been working with for almost the last decade. We use that phrase, not as a derogatory name - but as an indicator of where things stand.

At the moment, we know where we are relationship wise, and Hubby and I feel we are aware of where she is --minus the (what I hope is inadvertent) misleading info due to fear. We come to this forum, in search of information not defamation.

--WeWerentLooking
 
Custody concern

If she is in a custody battle with an abusive ex, is now the right time for this relationship? Poly has been used against parents seeking to get or keep custody of children. It's a real risk. Your romantic connection with her, and your husbands with her, can survive being put on hold until custody is resolved. That would be a risk too far for me personally.
 
Greetings WeWerentHunting,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

We can certainly provide some information, whatever you need. Can you capsulize what info you need in the form of (a) question/s?

Re (from WeWerentHunting):
"If she wants this relationship to work at her pace but then decides she's ready when I'm gone then what?"

Where are you (the husband) going?

Re:
"What if she strings the wife along for a while when I'm away, how can I pick those pieces up?"

How long are you (the husband) usually gone?

Re:
"How can I say I'm here for you then make this decision without her?"

Can't you invite her over before making the decision?

Re:
"It's kinda complicated, no?"

It's confusing; I think I need more details about your situation. Not trying to be a smartass, just trying to understand better how to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
H- whereas that is a justifiable concern, it is one of the least things that we feel is or should be of any true concern being as there are many more skeletons in the gfs closet. Nothing dangerous or illegal to worry about though. As for our family interaction, we have all been together in a family setting on more than one occasion, the three of us and our children. Even though there is two years difference in their ages they are getting along well and both children like everyone else. This is promising to us and we want to maintain that as well. No matter whether we become sexually active or not. The adults not children obviously. We have also taken pains to not present ourselves in any other way than as caring friends in front of the children.
 
Seems reasonable enough.
 
Kevin, I'm working off my phone and will try to remember and address your questions as best I can.

We all live in northeast Florida and I've been offered a 5 month seasonal job on Martha's Vineyard. If I do take it I'll miss both my son's 13th and gfs daughter's 15th birthdays. That just suddenly seems so significant.

Currently we are in one of what we have come to accept (painfully and unwillingly) as a lull in our communication. This offer just came up last night and was the catalyst to our joining now. I have sent her a text today and asked her to contact the wife if she felt she would like to hang out later. I'm not comfortable with bringing this topic up with her via text as it's something that we feel should be discussed in person. We also are trying very delicately to not put her on the spot with this decision.

I think we would be fine if she was willing to wait before moving on but as the wife and I jumped right into the sack together first thing and got the sexual tension out of the way this slowed speed is a little nervy for us. Although completely understood given the current circumstances.

As far as the future goes, the wife and I have discussed at great length our discomfort in the thoughts of individual sexual contact with the gf. At the same time we have come to the conclusion that we could likely participate as such sometime in the future. And we also don't want to force the issue or put conditions on it in such a way as to make a deal like "well you can be with W, but only after and if you are with us both first."

We have, in the past, conscientiously sought "a third" and have had one terribly disappointing threesome that was painful to get through. That woman went back on her commitment to the situation as presented and my wife was left out. They shared me but not each other and that was not what we wanted and thusly it didn't go over very well at all. In any case I would never ask her to go through with that sort of situation again and W doesn't want to leave me out either.

Our feeling is that we don't "play" alone.
 
Okay, that does clarify some things.

I think it is kind and considerate to not insist on an "initiation threesome" for your girlfriend. If you can stand to share her in separate twosomes I would say go ahead and do that (unless/until your girlfriend expresses an interest in a threesome).

As for your job, that is a tough decision. I don't think you should put your girlfriend on the spot and make her decide for you, but given her long history with your wife I kind of feel like you should make her a part of the discussion about your job. At least get her thoughts and feelings on the matter.

It worries me that she's still providing lodging for her ex. Won't that ding her chances of getting custody? Her ex is the guy she's divorcing, isn't he?

I hope I can be of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Okay, that does clarify some things.

It worries me that she's still providing lodging for her ex. Won't that ding her chances of getting custody? Her ex is the guy she's divorcing, isn't he?

I hope I can be of some help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Wife here......

GF is currently already divorced from her child's father. The "ex" is a long term relationship, which was almost a marriage- since that failed, she has been still seeing him, with the intention of keeping things "normal" for her daughter (ex was almost step dad); on an even keel as possible. While understandable - I would with little doubt continue with Hubby if something (goddess forbid) went wrong for the sake of our child. I wish I could say that the interaction makes me/us comfortable--cause it doesn't--BUT she has to maintain what she feels is best. We feel that she falls back to the ex because he represents one thing that she can control in her life, when and if he comes over. That he is a "comfort blankie", and even though he upsets her - she KNOWS what he's going to do.

Does this answer or create more questions?
K
 
Both, heheh.

So, what kind of relationship did your girlfriend maintain with this ex while she was still married? Is this ex the eight-year relationship she had? At what point did it become an "ex relationship?"

And I'm curious ... how long ago was the divorce finalized?

I take it that between "her ex" and "her ex-husband" ... her ex is the lesser of the two evils. Correct me if I'm wrong ...

The picture continues to become better focused, but it's a complex situation so I'll no doubt have more questions over time. Bear with me.
 
Between all the factors here, 2 women who are abuse survivors, both possibly bipolar and with other issues, 2 hormonal teen children, messy unresolved former relationships, your job loss and job offer 1000 miles away which will take you away for 5 months...

And since you outright asked for advice--

I'd say now is not the time to start a new sexual romantic relationship with this woman. She sounds unstable and might find herself feeling abandoned. Why get her all sexually involved with both of you, with demands for the only sex to be threesomes (since you and wife insist on "playing together") when you will be gone soon? Will "the girls" have to promise to not give each other sexual intimacy and comfort since the Man will be gone? That sounds rather unworkable.

Would you feel overwhelmingly jealous if "your girls" were having sex while you were gone and not getting to join in?

Would anything about this potential abandonment and jealousy be good for a woman as in need of mental health treatment as your gf is? Or would it end up feeling, for her, like yet one more man was in charge of her life?
 
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