Mya's search for balance

When it comes to Olivia, I've realised that if she can't handle me telling her things that made me feel insecure about us, maybe she wouldn't be able to be with me in general. I'm an emotional person who tries to be honest with those emotions, and I need a partner who can actually take that on. I need to have conversations about emotions. Also, I do get invested pretty early on if I feel like the relationship has long-term potential. Maybe instead of beating myself up about it I should just try to find people who are similar.

Yes to all of this, Mya. Being brave enough to be emotionally vulnerable is a good thing, not a bad thing. It is scary to lay ourselves bare in front of another....but it's only in doing so that we can find the connection we're longing for. Instead of beating yourself up, consider it a success...you learned that Olivia wasn't the right person for you before you were even more invested in the relationship. You will find the right people, just takes time.

((Hugs)) I hope your anxiety lessens.
 
Also, I do get invested pretty early on if I feel like the relationship has long-term potential. Maybe instead of beating myself up about it I should just try to find people who are similar. I'm sure there are others like me in the world. I'm so tired of trying to play it cool and keeping it casual for a long time before we get anywhere.

This is something that I recently learned about myself too. It's actually something I've had to learn over and over, but I think it finally stuck recently: I fall fast and hard if I really like someone, and the people who are more "keep someone at arm's length for a while" end up being a poor fit for me because I have to constantly suppress myself so as not to freak them out.

I have a much better time with the people who express interest just as intensely and consistently as I do—I feel like I can just be myself and don't have to pretend to be less invested or "cool" or anything like that. People like that are out there, for sure. It's just a matter of finding them.
 
Thank you so much, PinkPig and Reverie, for the validation! I needed to hear that. When I talk to friends about this, they have differing opinions. Some think I move too fast in general and this Olivia thing was just one example of how I should just keep my cool longer. Some think like you two, that there's nothing wrong with how I am, I just need to find people who match my personality and relating style.

I've looked back at my relationship history and it's almost always been the relationships that took off really quickly that were the longest and often also happiest. Also, a lot of my relationships have ended because I wasn't getting enough from my partner. There's a clear pattern here. First there's a few weeks or months of dating and insecurity, then there's more clarity and stability and I'm happy. NRE happens, I'm on top of the world. After dating for about 6-12 months I realise that I want more from them. I ask for more time, attention, life entwinement, future plans or something else. They can't or don't want to give me more. We break up. The ones who did give me more ended later for various different reasons. But that's basically a pattern I've had in many different relationships that lasted less than a year. There's only ever been one person who wanted more from me than I could give, and they were pretty intense (saying "I love you" on the second date etc).

Another interesting thing that I've realised is that even though I've lived with several partners, there's been only one time when that happened purely out of wanting to share life and living space together. All the other times have been partly because the other person has had a problem and moving in with me has solved it. So the only "pure" example is JJ back when we were young and madly in love. He moved in with me unofficially really quickly and officially a couple of months later. Just because we wanted to live together. The next person after that was Hank. He lived in a different city from me and got offered a place in a course in my city, where he also wanted to move to anyway. I suggested that we move in together and I pay a bigger portion of the rent while he is on the course and not making money, and after he gets a job we share the rent more equally. And that's what we did. Later rory broke up with his husband, was depressed and couldn't work. I suggested that he move in with Hank and I. And he did. Me and Dahlia moved in together before we even started dating because we were both dating Hank, so we never made a decision to move in together as a relationship step. And finally Jasmin, who wanted to move back to her home country but was upset about leaving everybody behind, so I suggested that we both move to her home country and move in together. That's another pattern. I want the deepening of the relationship so badly that I make living with me as tempting as I can, so that the other person would choose that even if they wouldn't otherwise choose it as a relationship step. Oh man has that backfired several times. :rolleyes: Live and learn I guess.
 
Today I'm not anxious at all. My housing stuff is sorted, I got a place for myself, so for the first time in this city I'll be living all alone. Quite a change! I'm moving next week. Then me and Olivia texted some more and came to the conclusion that we don't want the same things out of this, she's not looking for anything serious, so we should just stop dating. Even though that's sad, I'm just relieved to know what's going on. Moving on. There will be someone out there who is more compatible with me, and I also have Marco who has become quite an important part of my life. It's all going to be fine.
 
I had an incredible evening with Marco yesterday. We went to see a great, sexy play and when we got back to my place we had really intense, bonding sex. It was a bit tantra-like, at one point we just slowed down a lot and looked into each other's eyes and just felt our bodies and each other. I felt so connected to him in that moment. I said so and he said he felt the same. I also gave him a souvenir that I'd bought him from my friend trip and he seemed really touched by it. We talked about feelings a lot and he didn't seem to struggle. I got the impression that he finds those kinds of talks harder in the beginning, but once he gets comfortable with the person, it gets easier. So that was comforting to notice. He said he hopes he can have me in his life long term, but he also understands that if I meet "the one" (= a person to have a primary relationship with), that might change from my part, and that's also okay. He just wants me to be happy. He left this morning and now I'm just feeling really high on happy hormones, hello NRE. :p

I have a really exciting week and a half ahead of me! This weekend I'm going to visit the third friend I have sexual feelings for, Noah. I've mentioned him at some point in this diary, a long time ago. We've had sex a few times in the past, but it was so long ago that I thought that part of our friendship was over. But then a few months ago we were at a same event and ended up making out, and he said he would take me to his hotel room if he wasn't sharing it with his partner (they are poly though!). Basically we would have had sex then if we had had the space to do so. So now I'm going to visit him (he lives in a different city), we'll see what happens. :) Then next week Marco is helping me move on the Friday and I have a date with the couple on Saturday. Eee, it's all very thrilling! :)
 
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My visit to Noah's was lovely. :) We had great conversations, lots of cuddling and some nice sex. It was just really nice getting a bit closer to him. But it does definitely feel like a friends with benefits situation. I enjoy our physical closeness and we definitely like each other, but for many different reasons this won't be more than a FWB relationship. I just know it, and I'm totally okay with it. It's weird how I didn't want to be casual with Olivia whereas that feels exactly right with Noah. I think it has to do with how I feel towards the person. If I can see potential for a serious thing, I find it hard to keep it at a casual level, but if I can see very clearly why getting serious with someone would be a bad idea for me, I can still be casual with them in some cases. With Noah it feels like an extension of the friendship that we've been building for several years.
 
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I feel like I'm contradicting myself a lot these days. My feelings around poly and what I want out of relationships are kind of all over the place. Whenever I think I've reached a conclusion around this, I write it down here. And then something happens and I want something else again. I basically have a bit of a love-hate relationship with poly right now. :rolleyes: It allows me to have awesome experiences with different people and add excitement, sex and love to my life, and it allows me to date people I wouldn't otherwise get to date. But at the same time I'm taking the risk of multiple heartbreaks, complications, spreading myself too thin and not getting what I want out of relationships. Bear with me here, I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually. :eek:
 
I've been thinking about Jasmin a lot recently. We've been texting a bit, I guess that's why. I miss her, and I miss what we had. Whenever I compare my past relationships to each other, the one I had with Jasmin comes up at the top of the list. She made me so happy, she was pretty much the whole package of what I want out of a relationship. And then Kaspar came along and changed everything. It's really hard to not be bitter about that. Every now and then I entertain the thought of getting back together with Jasmin, as her secondary. But I don't think I could hide my feelings about Kaspar from her, and that wouldn't be fair on her. Also, I'm not sure I could dial back what I want with her. I would probably end up in an emotional rollercoaster, feeling happy when I see her but feeling sad when I'm not with her and knowing she's planning big life things with Kaspar. I also entertain the thought of getting back together if she and Kaspar ever break up. That seems more likely than the first scenario. But that comes with one big downside: I would always know that she chose someone else over me and I couldn't be sure she wouldn't do it again. I'm not sure I could trust my heart with her again. Well, I'll cross that bridge if I ever get to it.

What I'm trying to do right now is to live in the moment more. Enjoy my relationship with Marco as it is and the sexy friendships as they are. Concentrate on my new career, moving house and hobbies. Resist the temptation of going to OKC. Try not to worry about the bigger picture, what I ultimately want out of relationships. I was talking to Eddie about this and he said that he's not devoutly mono or poly, he's happy to see what each relationship feels like and what makes sense in each situation. I think that might be a good rule of thumb for me too. Do I need to decide beforehand what I want and then seek it? It is one way to go about it, but maybe I could just try to see what happens with whoever I end up with? I mean, I'm not good at that, but I could try.

Also, I realised one thing about dating Olivia and why it brought me anxiety versus going on a date with the couple knowing that it probably won't end up being a serious thing. I saw this sketch in a comedy advice show where someone asks how to keep things casual and even though the response is meant as a joke, I realised that Olivia did many of those things. She intentionally kept me at arm's length with her actions, trying to keep it casual. The couple have communicated with me more emotionally already at this point even though we haven't had our first date yet. I think it helps that we've known each other for a long time though. They've told me they like me, that they find me attractive, that they're both really excited about the date. Originally we were going to meet up during the day on Saturday because they had evening plans, but when their evening plans got cancelled, they suggested we could spend the whole day together. They just show emotion and enthusiasm that I didn't really get from Olivia as such. So even though it's very likely that me and the couple will have a threesome or a few and that's the extent of it, at least there's some real emotion behind it.

I also think that it's not the best idea for me to date demisexuals or people who want/need to take it slow with the physical side for whatever reason. I've done it twice now and each time it didn't end well. I don't know how to deal with that. I want to have sex early and if I don't, it just kind of goes sideways from my part. That's such an important part of how I connect with people that I end up in a weird headspace when I don't get to do that. It's different if a relationship is sexual at first but becomes non-sexual later. I mean, that's not ideal either, but that's easier for me to deal with still. Live and learn.
 
Oh my god, the date with the couple went really well! We spent the whole day together, getting to know each other, sharing vulnerable things about ourselves and getting intimate. One member of the couple has had some bad threesome experiences in the past, so we wanted to be really careful around that and make sure she has a good time. So we built up to things quite slowly with a help of a game that suggests things to do. The game itself was meant for a straight couple, but we queered and three-wayed it quite well. :D It was a really lovely experience overall and I feel so much closer to them now. I'm so glad I got to experience this, especially after having a crush on them for so long. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next!
 
I’m so glad the date went well!

I also have come to the conclusion that demisexuals are not compatible with me. Sex is so important to me and sexual compatibility is really important to me. I get why people want to wait but that just doesn’t work for me.
 
Thanks for the comment, opalescent! It's always nice to hear that someone else feels the same as me. :) Some types of people are just not compatible with each other and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with either type.
 
I saw Hank today. We've met up a few times now over the last three months, ever since he reached out to me. Some of our conversations have been hard, talking about the past, but actually really constructive. He's been in therapy this whole year since we broke up and it's really done wonders. It seems like he's worked on himself a lot, which I was quite impressed by. Today he said he has missed me. I just burst into tears when he said that. I couldn't say anything else except 'thanks' and cry. I think deep down I've thought throughout this whole year that he hates me and blames everything that happened in the big house on me. In my mind missing someone is pretty much a sign you don't hate them. So I guess I was relieved to hear that. But at the same time I was really scared where this is going next. Does he want to get back together? I worry because I still love him. I noticed it today, I just do. I find his mind endlessly fascinating and he still gives me butterflies. So if he ever asked me that, there would be a danger that I'd say yes based on my feelings. But in reality it most likely wouldn't be a good idea. I'm pretty sure most of our incompatibilities are still there. I mean, obviously we'd have to talk it all through and see if anything has changed, but I just don't think he suddenly would want to spend more time with me and fulfill more of my needs than before. And then there is the big issue of him living with rory, who as far as I know hates me. So I don't really see all of those issues just disappearing. But yeah, a lot of thoughts and feelings right now. This is all so unexpected.
 
Thanks for the comment, opalescent! It's always nice to hear that someone else feels the same as me. :) Some types of people are just not compatible with each other and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with either type.

For what it's worth, I'm the same. I actually suspect that was part of the problem between DinoActivist and I, while we did have sex fairly early at my instigation we never quite clicked properly in terms of timing and that affected the rest of our relationship.
 
Thanks for your comment as well, icesong! Timing can be so important sometimes, so I totally understand if that affected the whole of the relationship.
 
When it comes to Hank-related feelings, I messaged my best friend and asked her to remind me of all the reasons why me and Hank broke up. She did a great job with that, that list of things was like a cold shower of realism, which is exactly what I wanted. So even though the feelings are still there, I now have a written list in my messages that I can refer to when I start imagining starting things up with Hank again. Unless all or at least most of those have somehow changed in the last year, that just cannot happen. He seems to think that our break-up was at least partly caused by the big poly house breaking down and everything that happened there. My view is that it might have accelerated things, but the question he asked me that started the break-up conversation was "are you happy?", and I wasn't. Not in that relationship. And I hadn't been in a while, even before the big house (well, it fluctuated). Also, as long as he lives with rory, I don't think we can be anything more than friends. I don't ever want to come between their friendship, I know how much it means to both of them. In conclusion, a lot would have to change for me and Hank to ever be able to be in a relationship again, so the chances of that happening are pretty low.
 
I had amazing two days with Marco. :) First we went to see two films that were from my home country. Marco noticed that they were showing this double bill and suggested it a while back, so we've had tickets to it for some weeks already. I love how thoughtful he is, planning and suggesting things for us to do. And he is always interested in knowing more about my home country, it's really sweet. After the films we went back to mine and had two rounds of sex. Between the rounds we talked about our relationship and I finally told him I love him, and he said it back. <3 We talked about all the things we appreciate in the other. Then the next day, after far too little sleep, we went ice skating. It was so cool, I hadn't done it years, but it came back to me quickly. Marco was less confident about it, but we both had a lot of fun. Then we went to an art exhibition and after that had dinner. After dinner I finally met Marco's nesting partner Paige. It was really brief, but I'm glad it's done. We were supposed to meet each other a long time ago, but that got cancelled because Marco and Paige were both ill on the day and we haven't found a suitable day since then. We want to meet up properly some other time and talk more, but I just wanted us to at least have this feeling of acknowledging each others' existence. If I go too long without meeting a metamour, I start feeling like a secret mistress. I really don't need to be friends with them, but I do need to meet them at some point. So that was all good. I feel like this relationship is really progressing, and that is a feeling I do need in order to keep going.
 
Nothing new to write about, I've been very immersed in my work and main hobby this week. But I felt like I wanted to name the couple I went on a date with because I think we will see each other again and I want to acknowledge their individuality and not just call them "the couple". I'll call the woman Quinn and the man Rafael.
 
I've developed an interest in someone new, but I'm trying out this new thing of...not doing anything about it. :p I really don't want to spread myself too thin and I already have a lot going on. Marco recently asked me if I'm planning on going back to OKC in January when I'm less busy. I said I really don't have any desire to meet new people at this point, so most likely not. And it's true. I want a simpler life than I've had in the recent years. I can control that to some degree by not putting any effort into meeting new people, as in not being on dating sites and not going to meetups. But when I meet people in my every day life, at parties or through friends, that's when it becomes a matter of self-discipline. I'm meeting this person I'm interested in soon for a kind of a project we're doing together, and I've basically promised myself not to ask her out. But if she expresses an interest in me first, it will be a different matter. I don't know if I have the willpower to say no. I guess time will tell. Anyway, I wanted to note this here, so that I can see how I do in this mindset of actively trying to avoid too many relationships at once.
 
Marco had a date with someone new yesterday and I had feelings about it. And it immediately made me second-guess my decision to not do anything about the new interest I wrote about in the previous post. I don't know, I think I got caught up in an NRE bubble with Marco for a bit there, where I kind of forgot that he still wants to date other people. I got caught up in thinking about our future together and feeling great about our current level of connection, not forgetting about his nesting partner of course, but hoping that my life could be simpler if I dated just Marco and possibly Quinn and Rafael on the side. I forgot that one thing that would make my life not simple is the unknown factors relating to him dating new people. Any of them could become as important to him than I am now, or more important. Like what happened with Jasmin. I think I'm still very much affected by that. Before I wasn't usually worried about my partner leaving me for someone else, but now I am since it happened to me. It feels like a very real possibility now, and it makes me scared whenever a new person enters the picture. Anybody could be a game changer.

...So, I was just writing the above when he texted me and we ended up having a text conversation about this. I said I'm working through some feelings relating to him dating new people and I could use some reassurance that he still has time and interest for me in the future. I don't usually ask for reassurance this directly, so I was quite proud of myself for putting it out there that that's what I needed. He responded in a really sweet way, saying he feels like our relationship and connection is deepening and he really likes spending time with me and that he has very little plans for anyone new. That made me feel better. At the same time I do wonder why he even goes on dates if he has "very little plans for anyone new". I guess by anyone new he means a new serious relationship, but casual dating is fine. I'm just very aware that that's exactly how we started out and look where we are now. Sometimes the unpredictability and ever-changing nature of poly relationships can be really difficult and destabilising. Not that mono relationships never change, but at least that seems to happen a little less frequently.

I feel really vulnerable right now in terms of my relationship with Marco. I feel like I'm trying to stabilise my life by intending not to date new people at the moment but he still has the power to influence that stability by dating new people himself. That makes me feel like I should date new people as well, just to keep it balanced, to make it "more poly", to make it equally possible for me to rock the boat and not just him. But after writing it out here I realise that me dating new people right now would come from an unhealthy place. It would come from fear, from competition, from an effort to distract myself from his dating, from trying to protect myself from hurt. Which leads to the conclusion that I shouldn't do that. Not now.
 
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