I've been thinking about Jasmin a lot recently. We've been texting a bit, I guess that's why. I miss her, and I miss what we had. Whenever I compare my past relationships to each other, the one I had with Jasmin comes up at the top of the list. She made me so happy, she was pretty much the whole package of what I want out of a relationship. And then Kaspar came along and changed everything. It's really hard to not be bitter about that. Every now and then I entertain the thought of getting back together with Jasmin, as her secondary. But I don't think I could hide my feelings about Kaspar from her, and that wouldn't be fair on her. Also, I'm not sure I could dial back what I want with her. I would probably end up in an emotional rollercoaster, feeling happy when I see her but feeling sad when I'm not with her and knowing she's planning big life things with Kaspar. I also entertain the thought of getting back together if she and Kaspar ever break up. That seems more likely than the first scenario. But that comes with one big downside: I would always know that she chose someone else over me and I couldn't be sure she wouldn't do it again. I'm not sure I could trust my heart with her again. Well, I'll cross that bridge if I ever get to it.
What I'm trying to do right now is to live in the moment more. Enjoy my relationship with Marco as it is and the sexy friendships as they are. Concentrate on my new career, moving house and hobbies. Resist the temptation of going to OKC. Try not to worry about the bigger picture, what I ultimately want out of relationships. I was talking to Eddie about this and he said that he's not devoutly mono or poly, he's happy to see what each relationship feels like and what makes sense in each situation. I think that might be a good rule of thumb for me too. Do I need to decide beforehand what I want and then seek it? It is one way to go about it, but maybe I could just try to see what happens with whoever I end up with? I mean, I'm not good at that, but I could try.
Also, I realised one thing about dating Olivia and why it brought me anxiety versus going on a date with the couple knowing that it probably won't end up being a serious thing. I saw this sketch in a comedy advice show where someone asks how to keep things casual and even though the response is meant as a joke, I realised that Olivia did many of those things. She intentionally kept me at arm's length with her actions, trying to keep it casual. The couple have communicated with me more emotionally already at this point even though we haven't had our first date yet. I think it helps that we've known each other for a long time though. They've told me they like me, that they find me attractive, that they're both really excited about the date. Originally we were going to meet up during the day on Saturday because they had evening plans, but when their evening plans got cancelled, they suggested we could spend the whole day together. They just show emotion and enthusiasm that I didn't really get from Olivia as such. So even though it's very likely that me and the couple will have a threesome or a few and that's the extent of it, at least there's some real emotion behind it.
I also think that it's not the best idea for me to date demisexuals or people who want/need to take it slow with the physical side for whatever reason. I've done it twice now and each time it didn't end well. I don't know how to deal with that. I want to have sex early and if I don't, it just kind of goes sideways from my part. That's such an important part of how I connect with people that I end up in a weird headspace when I don't get to do that. It's different if a relationship is sexual at first but becomes non-sexual later. I mean, that's not ideal either, but that's easier for me to deal with still. Live and learn.