Wife interested im a little scared

Probe

New member
My wife of 10 yeard has told me that she feels like she needs sex outside of our marriage and we have been discussing an open marriage. I'm a very jealous person and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it, but in the other hand feel like she won't be happy in our relationship if we don't go ahead with it and cheat and lead to divorce. I'm worried she will fall in love with someone else.
 
I've long felt that in a sane world you two would separate but remain in regular contact, in order to determine whether BOTH of you will be able to handle this change in a mature (let alone loving) manner.

The subject has been broached. That changed the fundamental basis of your relationship.

That "openness" has been considered as an actual possibility for you. That changed the fundamental basis of your relationship.

Your wife is now pushing it as a necessity, perhaps dire. That changed the fundamental basis of your relationship.

In short, you ARE in a new relationship. Throwing the old one out & beginning again would be smart.

Also, ANYONE who talks about an open relationship NEEDS to read the O'Neills' Open Marriage, & probably at least twice through. The original concept HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH EXTRAMARITAL SEX.

Stop sugarcoating it: your wife wants to fuck other people, because she is bored / unfulfilled / has "needs." If both of you can't calmly say this to each other, then it's NOT polyamory, QED, because communication fails.

She might still honestly love you & wish to remain close...

...but then again she might be wing walking, looking for the shiny-new Real Thing to rescue her from the dingy Purgatory you've come to represent. If you worry about that, then (for a moment) pretend to be polyamorous & ASK HER. Even if that weed is indeed lurking in her unconscious, discussing it is the ONLY hope for (maybe) undercutting it.

Clinging to her WILL NOT be healthy, even if something within her would enjoy that dependency.
 
It's interesting that you say you are a very jealous person but seem content to just leave it at that. Have you considered exploring why you are jealous and improving?
 
My wife of 10 yeard has told me that she feels like she needs sex outside of our marriage and we have been discussing an open marriage.

Be aware that there are many, many versions of "open" - make sure that you are both discussing the same thing!

I'm a very jealous person...

This is a good thing to know about yourself and work on, even if the concept of "open marriage" isn't on the table. Where do these jealous feelings stem from? What underlying fears? etc.

... and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it,...

That is a very valid concern. Many people who think that they CAN handle something find it harder than they assumed it would be. And others surprise themselves and can deal with things that they never thought they could.

..but in the other hand feel like she won't be happy in our relationship if we don't go ahead with it and cheat and lead to divorce.

And if you do go ahead with it then perhaps YOU won't be happy in the relationship and it could lead to divorce. Open marriages (of whatever flavor) are not cheat/divorce-proof. There are no guarantees in life.

I'm worried she will fall in love with someone else.

THAT is a highly plausible outcome - unless she sticks to one-night-stands, lots of people develop feelings for people they have sex with regularly.

Since you are on a "poly" board, one could make the point that "falling in love with someone else" might be a DESIRED outcome as opposed to a worst-case scenario.! The underlying fear is often that if your partner falls in love with someone else, then, by default, they must fall out of love with you - which is an underlying assumption of monogamy.

As a poly person in two long-term relationships, I would maintain that it IS possible to love more than one person simultaneously. Whether or not your wife has any interest in cultivating this is another question entirely.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. :(

I don't know it this could help you.

Before you move forward with Open Marriage conversations... maybe you could step back to see if you guys are still romantically compatible?

What are your "toggles?"

Check all the ones that apply to you today. May or may not change over time... but what applies to you today? I quote just to visually block it off.

  • I am monoamorous. I want to love only one sweetie.

  • I am polyamorous. I want to love more than one sweetie.
  • I am monogamous. I feel happiest in a relationship shape that is 1:1 – me and my sweetie and no other people.
  • I am relationship shape flexible.
    • I am monoamorous. I am ok being in a (monogamous shape) or being like (an endpoint in a V thing or similar.)
    • I am polyamorous. If my partner talks to me about my poly thoughts and feelings, and I have poly friends, that feels “open enough” to me. So I am willing to be in a Closed relationship shape and not date others so it feels “closed enough” to my partner. We meet in the middle.
  • I am polygamous. Whether a a V, or a quad or a poly network – I feel happiest in a relationship shape that is more than 1 other person.

Could ask wife to check her toggles. Then compare.

If you guys have become fundamentally incompatible over time? Grown apart or in different directions? As sad as it is to come to that realization? It may be best to SKIP talking about Open marriage. And talk about a peaceful divorce instead. Then she is free TO go poly as she wishes in her romantic life, and you are free FROM anything poly that you do not want in your romantic life.

It is ok to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that go against my own grain. If you want to go there? I wish you well but I cannot follow. This is not a thing for me."

Sometimes people come here on the board seeking ways to "make it work" as a means to avoid a break up. They call it "save the marriage" but really it is "avoid breaking up." Then it becomes a double load of pain for them. Like if they faced it head on, it would be a single load of pain. No break up is "fun" but at least it is a single load.

But in avoiding dealing with that, they drag it out and take this side trip thing trying to do wonky Open Marriage/poly even if it is not the healthiest thing. Because they so much want to "preserve the marriage shape at all costs" ... even at the cost of the health of the people. That isn't sustainable and it eventually crashes down. And then they have to talk about breaking up. Only it came at the price of double load pain. Doing (wonky poly + break up) rather than just (break up.)

If staying in a Closed marriage makes her deeply unhappy? And Open Marriage would make you deeply unhappy?

You guys may have to become willing to let the marriage shape go. Stop doing (marriage) together. And do something else together instead -- like (good exes and friends). Something that fits the two people better than a relationship shape that no longer fits right.

I think the best way to do poly is to make sure all the participants are "joyous yes!" about. Thrilled and happy to go there.

If it is more like someone is compromising themselves or their deeply held values just to (keep the relationship shape going in order to avoid breaking up)... that's not a good way to enter into poly. It's a good way to grow resentments later on.

I think it is better to prioritize (looking after the health and well being of the people) than (preserving a relationship shape.)

My 2 cents.
Galagirl
 
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Hello Probe,

It sounds like you are caught in between a rock and a hard place. If you agree to open, it may prove to be something you can't handle. If you don't agree to open, that may prove to be something your wife can't handle. Either way leaves you SOL. So what can you do? Maybe marriage counseling would be something to think about.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
As a poly person in two long-term relationships, I would maintain that it IS possible to love more than one person simultaneously. Whether or not your wife has any interest in cultivating this is another question entirely.

Clarifying for the OP that many people can and do love more than one person simultaneously and many people choose to cheat in response to these feelings. In my view, what separates polyamory from monogamy, more that the capability to love more than one at a time, is that in poly the highest priority is honesty and agreement to the sharing of love partners. The appearance of emotional fidelity is the highest priority in monogamy. Sure, there are many mono people who do love one at a time, but the tremendous popularity of LTR cheating belies the fact that many "mono" people also naturally love more than one person at a time.
 
My wife of 10 yeard has told me that she feels like she needs sex outside of our marriage and we have been discussing an open marriage. I'm a very jealous person and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it, but in the other hand feel like she won't be happy in our relationship if we don't go ahead with it and cheat and lead to divorce. I'm worried she will fall in love with someone else.
Soon, she'll have you in panties, serving her and her boyfriend breakfast in bed. Is that one of your fears? :)
 
I've long felt that in a sane world you two would separate but remain in regular contact, in order to determine whether BOTH of you will be able to handle this change in a mature (let alone loving) manner.

The subject has been broached. That changed the fundamental basis of your relationship.

That "openness" has been considered as an actual possibility for you. That changed the fundamental basis of your relationship.

Your wife is now pushing it as a necessity, perhaps dire. That changed the fundamental basis of your relationship.

In short, you ARE in a new relationship. Throwing the old one out & beginning again would be smart.

Also, ANYONE who talks about an open relationship NEEDS to read the O'Neills' Open Marriage, & probably at least twice through. The original concept HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH EXTRAMARITAL SEX.

Stop sugarcoating it: your wife wants to fuck other people, because she is bored / unfulfilled / has "needs." If both of you can't calmly say this to each other, then it's NOT polyamory, QED, because communication fails.

She might still honestly love you & wish to remain close...

...but then again she might be wing walking, looking for the shiny-new Real Thing to rescue her from the dingy Purgatory you've come to represent. If you worry about that, then (for a moment) pretend to be polyamorous & ASK HER. Even if that weed is indeed lurking in her unconscious, discussing it is the ONLY hope for (maybe) undercutting it.

Clinging to her WILL NOT be healthy, even if something within her would enjoy that dependency.



You ought to read the above again. You can pretty well be guaranteed that if this is forced down your throat like fois gras and you grudgingly go along with it that your chances of divorce are going to go through the roof.

Get it straight. Despite what some here think, the overwhelming percentage of men in this world are NOT ok with their wives fucking other men and that does not make them some sort of rare species. They asre the majority and you may be one of those.

You need to read a lot of books because I do not think you have any idea what you are being coerced into signing up for. Get educated before you make any decisions.

You stated it correctly. There is a very good chance you your wife will not be happy not being able to fuck other men. Thats on her. It is not your obligation to be miserable and unhappy just to make her happy.

And if she is that determined to do this, which you will only find out if you resist because you are not comfortable, then your relationship probably will not last anyway because she will push you with new "wants" as she becomes emotionally involved with other people.

She has told you what she wants. Now uits time for you to decide and tell her what you want or do not want and its how it makes you feel, not her.
 
My wife of 10 yeard has told me that she feels like she needs sex outside of our marriage and we have been discussing an open marriage. I'm a very jealous person and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle it, but in the other hand feel like she won't be happy in our relationship if we don't go ahead with it and cheat and lead to divorce. I'm worried she will fall in love with someone else.

You've both got something very positive going for you, and that is open and honest communication about the issue. Now what I'm going to say is probably counterintuitive and some people are bound to disagree, but if it were me I would be setting her completely free to find whatever fulfilment she thinks she needs.

Unfortunately you can't really do that completely without getting a divorce. Without a divorce it will always be adultery ( yet another reason to avoid marriage in in the first place ). So if it were me that would be the first order of business. Eliminate the barriers and the hypocrisy all in one fell swoop while it's easy and mutually agreeable, and try looking at divorce this way:

A divorce wouldn't mean ending your relationship. It could just as easily mean graduating from grade-school level socialization and evolving a new, loving, and adventurous relationship. Make it a celebration for both of you. Some people actually have divorce parties as elaborate as marriages. This would be your chance to have a positive one that celebrates the evolution of your relationship, and if she realizes the level of love it takes to accept her in this new paradigm, you will have a better chance of retaining your love and your relationship, plus explore a whole new dimension to your relationship with each other. Besides that, maybe she won't be the only one to meet some new prospects.

Lastly, remember that being poly isn't about discarding your old relationship and getting a new one. It's about retaining your existing relationships, adding new ones, and evolving or transforming without devaluing. Yes, it's possible she might fall in love and want to align her world with another man. But that's life and finding it in yourself to navigate it all positively, and being happy for her if that happens, is what will pull you through.

Just one caveat: Make sure this isn't just some sort of test to see if you care enough to try to hold onto her or fight for her. Some women will do that, and it's a tricky situation. If you fight for her and you're wrong, you'll lose her over control issues, and if you don't you'll lose her because she'll think you don't care.
 
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