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  #11  
Old 10-22-2017, 12:27 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You seem very concerned about hurting others when all you want or need to do is be true to yourself.

It's great to be accepted by family and friends, but not at the cost of only showing them parts of yourself you think they want to see, and hiding the parts you are afraid might "hurt" them.

Your parents are grownups and already bucked mainstream behaviors by homeschooling you. Unless they were fundamentalist Christians, your fears were apparently unfounded! They accepted you, they didn't disown you. Your dad is even doing research to better understand polyamory! What a guy!

By the way "poly is more natural" isn't necessarily a bullshit concept. Try reading "Sex at Dawn," which is an anthropological/sociological exploration of sex in human prehistory for perspective on this.

Personally I've delved enough into early human civilisation research to believe that monogamy is culturally based on fear of female sexuality and power. Now that women are gaining more power (after about 4000 years of patriarchy), a different way of relating sexually and culturally is coming about. Monogamy (especially lifelong) is becoming devalued. Relating to more than one partner romantically and sexually is possible for women when they are financially independent and have social support for raising children that doesn't depend on getting and keeping one man.

Also, people are living longer, and so marriages that were meant to last until one partner or another, or both, died, are becoming just impractical. What if you divorce, or your partner dies when you are 45? Are you supposed to remain celibate and with no intimate partner to share life with? Are you supposed to magically find Mr or Ms Right right away and immediately become mono again? Some people do... many don't. You might start dating and find 2 Ms Rights, or Mr Rights, or one of each gender, or you might not find someone just right in every way, and find yourself caring deeply for 3 people but none you want to live with. Or... other arrangements ad infinitum.

Remember divorce was a huge social stigma until about the 1960s. Now it's as common as dirt. This is directly related to the practicality presently of polyamory and other ways of romantically relating.

Polyamory is cutting edge but more and more people are doing it. Our culture is more diverse these days, race-wise, gender preference and identity-wise, and love style-wise.

What your parents said about how poly benefits kids is also true. In prehistory, and in many traditional cultures, children were not raised in a nuclear family, but in tribe. Each adult in the tribe was like a parent or at least aunt/uncle to them. If they had a tiff with a parent, they could go to another loving adult for support. If the parents had a tiff with each other, the kids could be cared for by other adults until the parents worked things out. If a partner died, especially if the breadwinner died, the living partner wouldn't need to fear death for herself and her young children, she would be taken care of by the tribe. The kids belonged to the tribe, and to the goddess. When this system of tribal support fell apart, it was bad news for women and children. Children and wives were the property of men (until quite recently!), and woe be to them if the man died or just dumped them out into the desert. Woe be to a maiden who was raped. All she could do was marry her rapist. (That's in the Old Testament, look it up.)

Anyway, you're part of a big social shift that is only going to keep growing. Be brave, be true to yourself. You are a pioneer.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62) loving Pixie (poly, F, 40) since January 2009, living together since 2013
Seeing Kahlo (polyish, M, 45)
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixie's Dom/bf for 3+ years
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  #12  
Old 10-22-2017, 09:56 PM
PoorSystem PoorSystem is offline
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That is the way you veiw things, but I don't see poly that way. I don't see it as this hyper evolved nautral way of thinking. I view it more as an inborn orientation, like homosexuality vs heterosexuality. Some people have one and onlys, others like me are poly. I don't view it as 'more natural' because that devalues mono relationships as 'unnatural'. Both are as natural as the other. Id yoy view it differently, that's cool, but we'll have to disagree.

I do agree that modern day Feminism and equal rights are what allows poly to come more and more into the mainstream, but that doesn't make it cutting edge. That nust means the modern era allows people to be more true to their hearts.

I will always fear hurting others, because other people over mine. That's just who I am, along with being poly and loving button up shirts.

You are right that I need to stop worrying so much, but to prioritize myself over others is not something that I am capable of.

Thank you for your advice though, it is always nice to hear advice from members of the community even if I disagree. It makes this all a little less scary to think about.

I am at a hairdresser right now, otherwise I would take more time to update you all on my life. As it is, I am about to be next. I will update you in the evening.

Take care and thank you so much for the support,

~PoorSystem
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  #13  
Old 10-23-2017, 04:12 PM
PoorSystem PoorSystem is offline
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Post Thoughts: 10/23/17

Heh, I had planned to add to this blog with my thoughts yesterday evening... then I promptly blew all my time talking to Runa... and then some, since we ended up talking till two. I can't do that every day, but its fun every now and then. Though, as much as I love my parents, I like to wait for their poker night to call her since we end up casually talking about highly sexual topics. Things like what she's using right now and such. I won't go into details, obviously, but it was definitely not something that I wanted my Mom to overhear, you know?

But yeah, I've got college classes at 1 and won't be back till 10ish, so today is my long day. I am not even doing anything that hard today, just a chemistry class and such.

I guess crush wise, well... I mean, there is this one girl in one of my engineering classes (meaning that she is just as smart or smarter than me, very attractive) who gets my heart beating. I mean, she is almost the cool girl version of me. She's a computer scientist (I am an engineer, or will be one day) who's about my age. She is also a huge anime fan (VP of the campus anime club), while also being a RWBY fan. She also has this cool and confident personality that always just makes me melt. You see, Sam used to act all confident around me which is why I liked her. Then she started acting all shy when we started dating, which as disappointing but I still liked her at the time.

I will never know what it is about a confident girl that causes me to crush on them, but it always happens. But yeah, a cute nerdy confident girl? Yeah, needless to say, she pierced all my defenses at once. Not to mention that she was willing to listen to me prattle on an hour after class about whatever so I could avoid 5 PM traffic. I hope I can get a repeat this week. Honestly, it is just fascination right now, not nearly enough to ask her out or get her number, but enough to pay more attention. Most of these don't pan out in the long run, but I guess that is how most relationships are, except the ones that last the test.

Yeah, really there not any other girls who catch my eye right now. I mean, there was this one other girl... then she said being gay is a sin, so I noped the fuck out as fast as I could and made it very clear that the romantic gates had shut airtight. I mean, who the fuck thinks like that? I am religious too, but I don't think that God is a dick who would make people gay if that was something inherently wrong. ugghhhh, you meet these seemingly cute girls and then they have to say shit like that. The worlds biggest turn off: Narrow-mindedness.

Like, I am a Christian and all, but I want to find the guy who tacked on that line at the end about laying with another man and punch him in his fucking mouth. Yeah, whatever crush I had on her died with that sentence. I mean, I could be friends with her I guess, but why would I do that to myself? Fuck her and her shit. I mean, the bible also says that men can and should have multiple wives and that all of humanity was made via mass incest, yet you don't see those people advocating for those to be made legal do they? No, they cherry pick that one line out of all the lines about tolerance and love even of those who are different than you and use it to attack perfectly normal people for no good reason.

Ahhh, sorry. I get a bit touchy about that kind of stuff. Nothing angers me faster, not even stubbing my toe.

Yeah, so outside of the one girl in my engineering class I really only have some lingering feelings for Runa, not that I will mention this to her.

I mean, being poly basically ended our relationship in the first place. I broke it off not because the long distance was killing me, but because I felt for other girls too. I am not about to ask her about that kinda stuff for a while because I don't think she'd be cool with that. I'll just ignore it for her sake, you know? I want her to explore herself, not force her to try my stuff. Maybe if she starts asking me questions and such, I'll ask if she wants to try it out, but short of that, I think I will let her just be a friend to me.

God, I missed her though.

You know what is really nice though? Recognizing these feelings and not feeling like a bastard. I don't have to beat myself up as some sort of freak or typically horndog male or something every time my heart moves for two or three (my lifetime max total coinciding-crushes so far (Sam, Lauren, Runa)) girls at the same time. It's freeing to be sure, to not have to worry about it.

Now I just have to worry about the following: Finding girls that don't mind being poly, dealing with bad metamores, explain to Sam in a way that doesn't make her think I am still into her that I am poly, and deal with my sister's reaction when I tell her. Is it bad that I hope for her to freak out about it? I mean, I honestly hate her so in a way I hope it makes her repulsed enough to leave me alone, but on the other hand that is not why I am doing this and it makes me feel like an asshole to think that way. Advice on that would be appreciated.

I know for sure now, at least that is a start. The concept fits me like a glove, ya know? So that is something at least.

I should start heading for college, I've honestly got stuff to do haha. I really need to think about this less and study more.

Anyways, I want to thank all of you here and those people who know me outside of here for all your endless support. Your comments help more than you could ever know. I am sure that some of my complaints and comments are sure to seem childish to you all, after all I think I am one of the few here who is in their twenties, and the help that you've all given just by taking the time to read what I write is helpful. This blog made things more real to me, it gave me the courage to talk to my best friend after months of silence.

So, thank you all.

I will update either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Here's hoping I will have good news when I get back,

~PoorSystem
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  #14  
Old 10-25-2017, 06:50 PM
PoorSystem PoorSystem is offline
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Post The scariest question: what do I want?

I've been trying to ignore that question for a while now. Even before my meltdown a little while ago when I accepted that monogamy might be for me, I try not to think past tomorrow. Too depressing, in my opinion since there was so little I actually wanted. It was a seperation point between me and my peers, since they all had some sort of dream or thoughts for the future while I did not. Now, I really don't have a choice but to start thinking. I lack a fallback script to go with, and while that is a tiny bit scary it is far more liberating.

So, what do I want?

I really don't care about financial sucess, or leaving my mark in the history books or anything like that. I am, however, attracted to familial goals. I want kids, a strong family, and that is about it. A vauge ass beacon, but a beacon none the less.

So, I know what I want in life. At least, in broad strokes.

So, what do I want out of poly? Well, that image is more distinct. It's hard to put to words, but I'll try. It's not like I want to date whoever suits my fancy at any time. It's more like I want to share my life with two to three people. This could take any form really, though ideally I would have two partners who have their own partners if they want to. I would like two live in partners, or one live in partner and one metamore. Something along those lines.

Again, in a completely ideal world I wouldn't have to deal with a live in male metamore due to my androphobia (irrational fear of men), but as long as I could get along with him then it wouldn't really matter. I'll go into why I have androphobia later, but suffice it to say that I hate most men I interact with. And no, I do not jump at my own reflection. Yes, malls and public spaces are not fun.

The three or four of us that live together would help raise children and such, god just thinking about makes my heart warm.

So that is what i want out of Poly. Unrealistic and naive? Most likely. But, more than anything, that is what I want out of life.

Now, how best to live that dream? I mean its not going to be easy, especially in Texas of all places.

I figure the best way forward is to just start small. I've heard to many horror storys of people rushing to make closed triads and end up just hurting each other, so clearly that is a no go. Which is kind of a relief, since that seems like a lot of pressure anyway. So, I suppose that the best way forward is to continue questionong myself and such, work harder on my degree so that I can have plenty of date money, and just date one girl at a time. Be upfront about my preferances and such in a tactful way and answer their questions, and just hope for the best. There are 340,000,000 some odd people in the US and a good chunk of them live here in Texas. If I keep at it, keep aware of myself, and prep myself I am sure i will find the right people for me.

But more than anything, I am just glad that I now have something that I am looking forward too.
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  #15  
Old 10-25-2017, 10:37 PM
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Sounds like you have the right idea.

As for coming out as poly, I would stick to plain and short-winded. "I should let you know that I am nonmonogamous." Something like that. As for whether to tell your sister, that is totally up to you. Although if you do, I wonder if she will then announce it to the whole world, and do so with the words she wants to use. Be aware of that possibility. It's also possible that if you don't tell her, someone else will (using their words, not yours). So, weigh the risks.
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  #16  
Old 10-29-2017, 04:43 AM
PoorSystem PoorSystem is offline
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Post My Androphobia

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Sounds like you have the right idea.

As for coming out as poly, I would stick to plain and short-winded. "I should let you know that I am nonmonogamous." Something like that. As for whether to tell your sister, that is totally up to you. Although if you do, I wonder if she will then announce it to the whole world, and do so with the words she wants to use. Be aware of that possibility. It's also possible that if you don't tell her, someone else will (using their words, not yours). So, weigh the risks.

Honestly, I've decided to wait on telling Kk. I mean, she's done nothing but hurt and disappoint me over the years so why should I expect any more from her? As much as I would like to pretend that she could be nice about this, I would be lying to my instincts. So, I think I will wait, or maybe just never tell her till my deathbed. I won't hide it from her, but neither will I tell her. She lost her chance to be a positive part of my life, so now I will just mitigate the damage that she does to me.

As for what I should say, I don't quite like the way monogamous sounds. I know that it is accurate, but it feels a little too broad, ya know? Like, non-monogamous also covers swingers, open relationships, polygamy, and relationship-anarchy. None of these are bad things per say, but they are not what I am looking for. I am definitely polyamorous and nothing else. It is strange, but the idea of any partner of mine going out for mindless sex hurts, but the idea of them having another partner, who they feel affection for and sleep with, doesn't. A double standard, sure, but emotions are hardly something that is always rational. I don't know, and it is unfair in some ways, but its just how I am.

I won't wait on this forever, but I still feel like I need time to get my head around this. It is hard to imagine that I have only really acknowledged this part of myself for about 11 or 12 days now since it feels like an eternity, but I think that I still need more time to gather the courage to start dating again. It's not that I am ashamed of being poly, I've (as stated by my parents) have been happier since I admitted it to both myself and them. Sure, there is some awkwardness when they say things in a mono-normative way and I awkwardly remind them that I am not mono. It's more of a me thing because I still sometimes worry that they are just humoring me and the rug will be pulled beneath me at any moment. It won't, I know, but I honestly feel too lucky for this to all be true. Even with his research, I don't think they really understand why I am poly. They'll support it, make jokes about it, and defend it; but I don't think they will really get it until I start dating again.

I am really looking forward to dating again, even with the rejection I am bound to face at first. Honestly, plain rejection never really bothered me too much. I mean, it stung a little, but I could move past it. What really hurts is when people ghost you, or they're jealous BFs stop your friendship and they go with it. I don't blame either party, but it still hurts.

I suppose I did promise to tell you all more about my androphobia. Well, it is more a mix of misandry and androphobia due to some severely negative experiences I have with men over the years. I've always had a harder time keeping my male friendships alive, even before the worst of it. Maybe its because I spent so much of my early life with minimum male contact outside of my Dad, my Papa, and the one male cousin that I could stand since he was always trying to include me. Other than that I have always preferred having female friends, even before my sexual awakening. It really only got worse after my sister went to college. The first guy she brought along seemed great, we had similar hobbies and could chat a lot. However, my sister did not like how well I (15 years old at the time) got along with her friend (who was a twenty-something). Eventually, my sister told me to stop talking to him and I lost my phone, meaning that I had no way to contact him. A year later my sister claimed that he was a predator trying to groom me when I brought it up. I believed her at the time, but now I am not so sure. I mean, he did tell both of us that he was gay but marrying some girl to appease his right-wing family.

Yet, considering who my sister is it is entirely possible that she just got sick of me interacting with him and forced us to stop talking, coming up with the pedo excuse to get my parents onboard. I don't think that is the case, but it is kinda fucked up that I even have to consider it. Afterwards my sister brought several other guy friends: one social pressured me into riding a ride that I did not want to and has caused my fear of rides ever since, another pair accused me of being gay and only tolerated me because I had befriended a girl that we all hanged out with, another basically treated me like shit for interrupting their 'dates' at our place whenever I walked by to pee or something and I tried to strike up a quick conversation, and more. Pretty much everything short of being beaten.

Then when I went to college I found the guys there were just... I don't know. Immature? Most guys I talked to I didn't really like hanging with. I've found a good handful of girls I like hanging with, crushes not included, and only three other guys worth it. I am pretty sure things will get better as we all age, but until then I think I will just do what makes me happy and avoid them.

No, I do not want to hear anything about how I need to expand my horizons and give men another shot. I have tried many times and failed, while I have plenty of success with girls as friends.

Thank you for reading and your advice so far, looking forward to what you all have to say,

~PoorSystem.
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  #17  
Old 10-29-2017, 04:44 PM
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After reading your description, I have to say it makes sense that you don't care much for the company of men. If you feel differently in the future that's fine, but I don't see any reason to rush that process. Just stick with what feels right for the moment.

Good luck on your dating endeavors, it sounds like this is a good time to start dating.
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  #18  
Old Yesterday, 05:04 AM
PoorSystem PoorSystem is offline
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Post I Ain't got game

Been a while since I last posted. Not really much has changed, but I realized a sad fact. I have very little idea on how to date. Not to brag, mind, but when I actually get to dating someone I am decent at it. Not the best, I don't lay claim to the hearts of others very well, but I can be a... okay ear when needed and I possess a mild imagination when it comes to dating.

The problem lies in... I suck at the intro of it all. I have a hard time with things like signals and flirting. A lot of people claim that I flirt with a girl when all I perceive is me being friendly. It has hurt my relationships when the girls had jealous boyfriends who thought that I was "hitting on their girl".

While we are on the subject, I hate the use of possessive language like that. I don't understand how girls can stand people using that kind of language, like 'my girl', as if they are some kind of commodity that can be taken. Then again, I am poly so maybe that just colors my perceptions.

I am working on it with the help of my friends, but it is not very easy for me.

Not really much of it, but I wanted to update you all on my progress. Heres hoping my luck train doesn't stop at 2017.

~PoorSystem
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  #19  
Old Yesterday, 10:16 PM
PoorSystem PoorSystem is offline
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Post A quick praise

I am between two of my long classes right now and so I have time to update y'all on something that I noticed in hindsight that I thought was really sweet.

So, if you just happened to skip to this current post, I was rather quickly outed to my parents due to them being perceptive of my emotional state. Both Mom and Dad said that they don't really care and kinda knew before I did. Kinda funny now that I think of it.

So, anyways, we are a family that is into politics and likes to discuss them while we watch the news. Most of the time we agree, sometimes we disagree and have a small debate over it before moving on. So, unless you've been pointedly ignoring the whole thing, you know that recently there has been a slew of accusations against men in both parties of sexual abuse/ assault lately. Now, this is not a sight for politics one way or the other, so I am not going to say what was discussed here since I want this to be a mostly politically neutral zone, but needless to say, there was a lot of talk about cheating and such.

Then, at one point, my mom said something along the lines of "Maybe she knew, in which case it is none of our business" in regards to one incident and the knowledge of the politician's wife... and I have to say that just right now, as I am sitting here looking at this site, does it occur to me that that was a nod towards my being poly. I have to say, that was so sweet of her to include that I almost had to post about it here. While they are being supportive, most of the time when they talk about my love life (or lack thereof) they mostly use monogamist terminology before stopping and replacing with a plural. So she went out of her way to make me feel more comfortable about the discussion by making that nod.

Makes me feel a little better about my current lack of any idea what I am doing in regards to dating.
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