Newbie questions!!!

TangledWebbs

New member
Let me start off as I'm sure most do for their first posts here. I am shocked to find myself here, but I feel this lifestyle is for me or at least something I'd like to try.

Long story short...my husband and I have been together for going on over 13 years and married for just under 10. We started fooling around with one of our best friends (my ex)- whom I met my husband from.He's been close in our lives throughout our whole relationship, was in our wedding, etc. It started off as a night of drinks and fun and we have found ourselves in this routine off and on for the last three years. We hang out often and sleep together whenever we have an opportunity not to get caught by other friends etc. Our arrangement has been pretty secret up until a few months ago when some friends started questioning things. I dont like having to keep secrets from them, however, we all avoided giving straight answers, so they still have suspicions. I need advice on how to talk to my husband and lover about how we can become more "committed" to each other to help prevent std's as well as just being in a romantic-like relationship together. I want more than just sex.

My husband seems more than ok with me sleeping with our friend, he lets us do our thing, we do our thing all together, and my husband has even let me meet up with our friend alone. I absolutely love it. I love that he trusts me to keep him aware of our sexual encounters. I love them both so much for different and the same reasons if that makes sense? One is very laid back, responsible, manly, the other is more of a free spirit, each of them have something the other doesn't to make me feel completed. I of course have more invested with my husband and am very committed to him. We have been "together" so much longer, however, we have both known our friend for many many years too. I guess I feel a deep amount of love for them both, but in different ways. They both make me happy mentally and sexually. I think they kind of do for one another too. I started to read a book about polyamory and i really related... it has started to open my eyes that I'm not alone and what Im feeling is acceptable and I can love both of these men just as much at the same time. I'm not this weirdo who in years past who I was certain I was. I feel whole when I am with them, hell I think my sex life with my husband has even gotten better. I havent fully talked about my feelings with my husband or lover,mostly because im scared they wont like the idea and I will be shot down into having a merely sexual relationship with our friend or have things cut off. I know my husband is starting to see me fall for our friend more and more, he doesn't seem to be backing away from the situation, so I feel like maybe he's ready and scared too? How do I bring up wanting our friend to commit to us sexually? Maybe he is, the problem is in the fact that we've not talked about it. Is it wrong to want that? My husband and I are committed to one another and our lover and that is it. Poly talk has come up and my husband doesn't shoot it down completely. I would love to one day have dates with the three of us and other nights I get to spend with each on my own, and the two of them go out while I catch up on me time too. I want to be able to kiss my lover in public or squeeze his ass without having to hide out. I really think we could make this work. I think my husband mostly fears what people will think, which I'd be lying if I didnt say I fear that too. We have children as well and I think that terrifies him to make their lives harder because of our choices or having to explain to people. (Our kids love our friend, so that wouldn't be an issue at all.)

Does this relationship seem like it has potential for this lifestyle and whats your advice on how to talk to them about things? Am I reading my husband right? Im terrified, but it's time.

Sorry for the rambling and scattered post, I'm SO confused!
 
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Let me sum up as I understand it, ok? You correct me if I am wrong.



General Info:
  • I am married.
  • I have a husband and a lover for 3 years now.
  • We've shared sex as a threesome, and me and lover as a twosome.
  • We are not "out."
  • My other friends suspect something.
  • I would like to be more open/"out"

I also would like to have a conversation with my husband and lover about what it is that we have.
  • Is this only polysexual? Where we only share sex?
  • Is this also polyamory? Where we share love?
  • How "out" do they want to be? What are pros/cons for them being "out?"

I am hesitant to open this dialogue with my lovers. I am having internal conflict.

  • 1) I want to know how they feel / think about all this.
  • 2) I am scared they wont like the idea and possible outcome will be either
    • limiting this to a sexual relationship and letting my growing feelings go
    • or ending the sexual relationship
    3) I am also scared if they are both ok with it, what other people will think

Is that it? :confused:

If so? I think you go too deep from anxiety -- like "what if this, what if that?" Could stop at 1:

" I want to know what they feel/think about all this. "​

And you only get to know that by asking up front.

You are willing to be intimate with you body but not with you heart? Kinda sells them both short as friends doesn't it? Don't friends talk to each other about hard stuff sometimes?

I'd go ahead and have the conversation and not fear the outcome. You can handle it however it turns out. But you won't know their preferences without ASKING them what their preferences are. Once you know that, you can see what next conversations might be.

That's what I would do -- just be up front.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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I'd go ahead and have the conversation and not fear the outcome.

GG, I know you don't mean this! It's OK to be afraid, and do it anyway!

Tangled, welcome to the board. I can relate to what you're feeling, fearing that your OSO (might want to choose nicknames for your guys) will be scared off if you start some "deeper commitment" talks.

But meanwhile, you're anxious to have that talk and see where everyone stands.

However, all you can do is state your preferences and not be an ass about it. What you want to request is "poly-fidelity" where you are a closed triad. I assume that means your OSO is still seeing other partners as well, or actively dating and shagging "strangers," and that makes you fear for his/your sexual health.

It's always fine to have the sexual health talks. In poly, that is very important. Are you sure though, that asking for poly-fi is only for more sexual safety, or is there an emotional reason you want to request this commitment?

Do you at all suspect your OSO wants to commit to just you and your husband as sexual and "love" partners forever? Or do you think he'd rather keep his options open for someone else to say, live with, or marry, down the road?

If your thing with him has a long history, 3 years in a poly configuration and X amount of years as your one on one bf before that, why fear losing him? Obviously he likes you.

If you want to know what his relationship goals are (as well as the coming out thing), asking is the only way to find out! Feel the fear, and do it anyway.
 
I think you just need to have the talk. Otherwise, the "what-ifs" are going to get to you. Sit down with your husband and have an honest, open discussion. Lay out how you feel and what you want, then allow him to respond. Be accepting of how he may feel, his desires/concerns, and answer what questions that may arise honestly. Then after you two have this conversation, if you both see things moving forward with your friend, then you both have a sit down with him to see where he stands.

And if it gets to the three of you talking, then this would be the time to have the talk about how committed you want the relationships to be, how you will handle PDA, what will happen if you are "outed", if there needs to be any boundaries, etc.

It sounds like the three of you have a good thing going, and I hope for your sake that the relationship will benefit from this talk.
 
I'd go ahead and have the conversation and not fear the outcome.
GG, I know you don't mean this! It's OK to be afraid, and do it anyway!

That's what I mean. Ok to feel scared, but do it anyway.

Don't NOT talk because you fear what the outcome might be. Talk anyway.

Galagirl
 
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Thank you all a lot for your kind and quick responses! I am definitely feeling a lot more willing and ready to take the step. The worst that's going to happen is he is going to be irritated of the idea, so I need to step up and do this. My husband and I are one of a kind in my eyes, so I know we will make it through even the strangest of conversations. After seeing how that goes I guess then we decide if we talk to our lover and how.

I think we would be leaning more towards a poly-fidelity/triad relationship. I'm still new to all the terms. My husband doesn't have any other loveres and to my knowledge our friend doesnt either. He's had the occasional partner, but nothing other than a one night stand style things. I will definitely need to find out how the future will work for my own sanity. I'm not sure where our lover stands with another relationship, but I suppose that's something that needs to also be addressed. Does he want this to end if he finds someone, does he want us to date along with him, I suppose talking as usual is key. I've just been too shy to do it til now. I don't want him to miss out on his happiness because of our thing, but I also really like the idea of us being us, forever, like it basically already has been. Perhaps he wants that too and doesn't think we would be interested in something like that? I've known them since I was 15 and am in my mid 30's now. Other friends get jealous because we are always together and our friendship has a hell of a bond. I almost feel guilty/selfish for thinking I need two men to keep me happy when some can't even find one. Is that normal? My friend (who has been onto things) always makes me feel bad because shes single and I have "all kinds of guys" that want to hang out with me.- actually just the two. It's a weirder situation there because she's basically in love with our lover, but he is uninterested in her. This is another reason I feel we need to figure out what's going on for sure.

Our lover and I do have more than just sex. We talk, and laugh which is sometimes just as arousing. I guess we already do have a relationship, it's just not official or on a level without my husband much. The other night in fact we all had our fun and laid around for a bit. My husband fell asleep and our lover and I had good conversation just laying around. I guess I see the way he looks at me sometimes and it feels far different from when a friend looks at me. Like you can't help but feel something, which has to be why friends are starting to assume.

My husband has asked me a few times in the heat of passion if I wanted our lover to be my boyfriend. I sometimes can't tell if it's in the moment or an honest option. So many confusing details, but I'm ready to take the step because what I am feeling is normal and I really feel like they are feeling it too.Talking is going to put to rest all of these maybes and what ifs.

I thank you all again for helping out. I will try to keep things posted. Please send us good vibes our way!
 
I almost feel guilty/selfish for thinking I need two men to keep me happy when some can't even find one. Is that normal?

I guess the guilty feelings might be normal, but they for sure are absolutely unnecessary. You should enjoy your beautiful relationships!

My friend (who has been onto things) always makes me feel bad because shes single and I have "all kinds of guys" that want to hang out with me.- actually just the two. It's a weirder situation there because she's basically in love with our lover, but he is uninterested in her.

Ouch. A jealous friend... who'd like to have one of your loves. And makes you feel guilty of having two men. Not a nice place to be in!

I have had this kind of discussions with one of my single friends. She is not jealous of my guys and for sure would not want to date them, but just the principle. She is single and seemingly not able to find even one love, and I have two... Life is unfair.

Wishing all the best for you and your guys!
 
Good luck with the talks and please do update!

I think it's funny that your husband asks if you want your lover to be your boyfriend! Oh how we get caught up in terminology.
 
I think we would be leaning more towards a poly-fidelity/triad relationship. I'm still new to all the terms.

Polyfi would be none of you dating anybody else. A triad would be the three of you all being sexually involved. I didn't pick up on the fact that your guys have sex alone together or not. If not - if they are straight and just have sex with you - then you would have a V. That's what I have.

shes single and I have "all kinds of guys" that want to hang out with me

I get this sometimes too. Friends say they are jealous because I have two guys who love me so very much, and they don't have anyone. Well, if I dumped either one of my loves, they aren't going to pick up with my friends! I have to say though, they should be jealous. I'm very spoiled. :p
 
Tangled, I deal with the guilt too, especially when most of the few women I consider friends--at least the ones I'm out to--constantly say things like "How did you get lucky enough to find two men, when I can't even find one?" (It was worse a few months ago, when I was actually involved with *three* men...)

But your happiness doesn't come at the cost of other people's. You having two men in your life doesn't mean someone else won't have any. That isn't how it works.
 
Polyfi would be none of you dating anybody else. A triad would be the three of you all being sexually involved. I didn't pick up on the fact that your guys have sex alone together or not. If not - if they are straight and just have sex with you - then you would have a V.

I dunno Bluebird. If this group is in the habit of 3way sex, even if both guys are straight and focus on the woman, while being are very very good platonic friends, don't the lines between triad and V get kinda blurry?

In a quad, often in MFMF groups, all parties can be straight, right? If there is 4some sex happening, or even just "swapping," isn't it still a quad?

After all, polyamory means love, not sex.
 
The definitions are always blurry here, I think! But the OP doesn't indicate that her hubby and the bf have any sexual contact, love feelings or not. So that info would help differentiate, for sure.
 
I've heard of such a thing as an "emotional triad," which is essentially a V where the two "legs" have such a close relationship with each other that it's almost sexual -- or maybe even is a little sexual. [shrug] Just a turn of terminology that I've heard of.

@ TangledWebbs ... I encourage you not to get too hung up on whether this or that is "normal" ... Normal is overrated. The best thing about the human species is the wonderful range of variety/diversity that you find in humans. Everyone is so unique and different that there's hardly even such a thing as normal. The concept of normal is something of an illusion. I suppose we like to think of ourselves as normal because we are also social/herd animals and we want to fit in. But we can all fit in even if we're all very different from each other.

Anyway, you should definitely have your conversation with your guys about where you all want to be five/ten/fifty years from now, and what if anything you want to make official with each other, and what if any rules you want to establish with each other about how you want your relationship to work. I like the idea of just talking about it with your husband at first, then, talk about it with both of the guys present.

Everyone on this thread has already basically covered the bases I wanted to cover, so I'll just reiterate, hey, keep us posted, and let us know how those conversations with your guys go.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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