Hi everybody. So I've been dealing with a heavy issue that I'd love some advice on. I was in a poly relationship with a woman who is married to a man. There were a lot of issues in my relationship with her and recently we decided to break up. We have not completely parted ways, however, and that is proving very difficult for me to do because of circumstances in her life and because I still have deep feelings for her even though it was best for me to leave the relationship. I am working on cutting ties and moving on, but there is a concern that is keeping me from doing that. She is in an abusive relationship with her husband. He is emotionally and psychologically abusive to her and indirectly to their child. She is stuck in this cycle of abuse and domestic violence with him, saying she'll leave him but I know that being a victim in this situation, she feels helpless to do that and most likely will not leave. My biggest concern is for their child, who is only 1 year old. I have been intimately involved in their environment for months now and the way her husband treats her is sickening. He uses the kid to control and manipulate her although he is not directly abusive to the child- perhaps a bit negligent at times because he never wanted a kid in the first place. I don't need to get into every detail but he fits every criteria for an abuser aside from physical harm. (Which I am afraid is still going to happen eventually.)
I have felt helpless the entire time I've known her because of the dynamic between the three of us. Her husband became increasingly more jealous and possessive, controlling how often she saw me and even trying to control whether or not she had sex with me- it was very clear that he may have been supportive of her being poly before she found me but when it actually happened, it was not ok with him.
She is deep in denial about this as I have tried to point out how abusive he is without directly telling her to leave him or anything like that. She blames herself for a lot of the abuse and continually makes excuses for him, as well as saying that this is just a rough patch in their marriage. Sometimes I've wanted to shake her into seeing the reality of this situation and how severe and damaging it is. Needless to say, this situation has also taken a huge toll on me emotionally and I have felt very guilty trying to leave.
Finally, I am a preschool teacher and therefore am a mandated reporter of child abuse. I feel like this situation is severe enough that if the child were a student of mine, I would have most definitely called child protective services by now. I am struggling with my emotional sensitivity to my now ex gf and with my moral obligation to report a situation like this. The advice that I am looking for is whether or not I should confront her about my concerns, namely with the issue of reporting this or if it would be best for me to just walk away, as hard as that is, because of how close I am to the family and how emotionally tied up I am. I desperately want her to leave him but I know it is not my responsibility to try and get her to face reality and do that. I am in an even more difficult position because my actions could be construed as vindictive and I will probably completely alienate her. If sharing with her my concerns about the abuse and having to report it helps her to leave for the sake of her child, I will help her do that. However, if she chooses to stay, I will definitely have to walk away. Do I attempt one last time to help her or is it best for me to not even approach this with her and get myself out of this mess?
Thank you for your help and support.
I have felt helpless the entire time I've known her because of the dynamic between the three of us. Her husband became increasingly more jealous and possessive, controlling how often she saw me and even trying to control whether or not she had sex with me- it was very clear that he may have been supportive of her being poly before she found me but when it actually happened, it was not ok with him.
She is deep in denial about this as I have tried to point out how abusive he is without directly telling her to leave him or anything like that. She blames herself for a lot of the abuse and continually makes excuses for him, as well as saying that this is just a rough patch in their marriage. Sometimes I've wanted to shake her into seeing the reality of this situation and how severe and damaging it is. Needless to say, this situation has also taken a huge toll on me emotionally and I have felt very guilty trying to leave.
Finally, I am a preschool teacher and therefore am a mandated reporter of child abuse. I feel like this situation is severe enough that if the child were a student of mine, I would have most definitely called child protective services by now. I am struggling with my emotional sensitivity to my now ex gf and with my moral obligation to report a situation like this. The advice that I am looking for is whether or not I should confront her about my concerns, namely with the issue of reporting this or if it would be best for me to just walk away, as hard as that is, because of how close I am to the family and how emotionally tied up I am. I desperately want her to leave him but I know it is not my responsibility to try and get her to face reality and do that. I am in an even more difficult position because my actions could be construed as vindictive and I will probably completely alienate her. If sharing with her my concerns about the abuse and having to report it helps her to leave for the sake of her child, I will help her do that. However, if she chooses to stay, I will definitely have to walk away. Do I attempt one last time to help her or is it best for me to not even approach this with her and get myself out of this mess?
Thank you for your help and support.