Domestic violence

IC8

New member
Hi everybody. So I've been dealing with a heavy issue that I'd love some advice on. I was in a poly relationship with a woman who is married to a man. There were a lot of issues in my relationship with her and recently we decided to break up. We have not completely parted ways, however, and that is proving very difficult for me to do because of circumstances in her life and because I still have deep feelings for her even though it was best for me to leave the relationship. I am working on cutting ties and moving on, but there is a concern that is keeping me from doing that. She is in an abusive relationship with her husband. He is emotionally and psychologically abusive to her and indirectly to their child. She is stuck in this cycle of abuse and domestic violence with him, saying she'll leave him but I know that being a victim in this situation, she feels helpless to do that and most likely will not leave. My biggest concern is for their child, who is only 1 year old. I have been intimately involved in their environment for months now and the way her husband treats her is sickening. He uses the kid to control and manipulate her although he is not directly abusive to the child- perhaps a bit negligent at times because he never wanted a kid in the first place. I don't need to get into every detail but he fits every criteria for an abuser aside from physical harm. (Which I am afraid is still going to happen eventually.)
I have felt helpless the entire time I've known her because of the dynamic between the three of us. Her husband became increasingly more jealous and possessive, controlling how often she saw me and even trying to control whether or not she had sex with me- it was very clear that he may have been supportive of her being poly before she found me but when it actually happened, it was not ok with him.
She is deep in denial about this as I have tried to point out how abusive he is without directly telling her to leave him or anything like that. She blames herself for a lot of the abuse and continually makes excuses for him, as well as saying that this is just a rough patch in their marriage. Sometimes I've wanted to shake her into seeing the reality of this situation and how severe and damaging it is. Needless to say, this situation has also taken a huge toll on me emotionally and I have felt very guilty trying to leave.
Finally, I am a preschool teacher and therefore am a mandated reporter of child abuse. I feel like this situation is severe enough that if the child were a student of mine, I would have most definitely called child protective services by now. I am struggling with my emotional sensitivity to my now ex gf and with my moral obligation to report a situation like this. The advice that I am looking for is whether or not I should confront her about my concerns, namely with the issue of reporting this or if it would be best for me to just walk away, as hard as that is, because of how close I am to the family and how emotionally tied up I am. I desperately want her to leave him but I know it is not my responsibility to try and get her to face reality and do that. I am in an even more difficult position because my actions could be construed as vindictive and I will probably completely alienate her. If sharing with her my concerns about the abuse and having to report it helps her to leave for the sake of her child, I will help her do that. However, if she chooses to stay, I will definitely have to walk away. Do I attempt one last time to help her or is it best for me to not even approach this with her and get myself out of this mess?
Thank you for your help and support.
 
This is always a difficult situation to deal with. But coming from someone who was in an abusive marriage, let me tell you that she is not going to leave him till SHE is ready. Trust me, she knows she is in a horrible relationship, but it isn't until something significant happens that she will have the courage to leave. In a situation like this all you can do is be there for her and support her. Reminding her how horrible her relationship is and telling her for the umpteenth time to leave is going to do no good.

I didn't leave my abusive ex husband till the morning I thought he was literally going to kill me. Why did it have to come to that to get me to leave? I don't know. But it took until that moment for me to realize I had to leave that situation, and I did. And now, couldn't be happier! I now help other abused women. And one thing I don't do is get in their face about leaving...they will leave...when they are ready. I can only give options on how to leave, where to go to keep them and their children safe, tell them how to get a free lawyer, etc. Letting them know the resources and options can be of a comfort for them when they do decide to leave because they know they will have help, support, and be safe.

As far as the children, if it involves physical abuse or neglect then yes, reporting it wouldn't be a bad thing. CPS could get involved, and even offer protection for your friend if she is open and honest with them about experiencing the same abuse from the father of the children as well.

I do hope you friend will one day find the courage to leave, if not for herself then for her children.
 
Be there for your friend as long as you can be. If you can't be there for her, there's nothing wrong with that. You have to keep yourself healthy first and foremost. Of course you want to help her; but if she won't take that help, you're only going to cause yourself more pain--and possibly her as well--by continuing to see her knowing how unhealthy the situation is. (The causing her pain comes from you telling her she needs to leave if she isn't ready or able to do so...)

My first marriage was verbally and emotionally abusive. I stayed because there was no physical abuse, which meant I couldn't prove he was doing anything wrong. At least that was my thinking at the time. In all honesty, there were times I prayed he would hit me so I'd have something concrete to claim as abuse.

Because I didn't know if it was "real" abuse, since there was no physical aspect, and because part of the abuse involved him telling me over and over that I was sick, that I needed help and medication, that I wouldn't be able to care for my kids because of my mental illness, etc.*, I stayed far longer than I wanted to. I didn't leave until a friend pointed out that Alt and Country were growing up seeing how their father treated me--and believing that was how a husband was supposed to treat a wife. I left their father so they wouldn't end up in a marriage like mine. But I couldn't leave for my own sake; I only managed to leave for their sakes.

*I do have depression, anxiety disorder, and abuse-related PTSD. But I wasn't nearly as nonfunctional or as "sick" as he claimed; and a couple years after the marriage ended, HE was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and a couple of other things...after years of claiming that he was fine and I was the only sick one in the marriage.
 
I was in a very similar situation to you.

I had to handle it professional ally by informing the person that I have no choice other than to alert the child protective services because they were allowing to them to remain in an abusive situation. I then cut ties for my own health.

It ended with the child being taken from her until she finally decided to leave the abusive partner.
 
You are a mandatory reporter. There is no getting around that. If anything escalates to the point that the police are involved or worse you will lose your job the moment anyone suspects you knew what was going on.

You are also someone she probably trusts. Get in touch with a social worker to help create an escape plan (call any local abuse support line and they'll be able to give you the info of where to go to find one suited for the situation) and if she backs out of the plan report the abuse like you are suppose to. And don't hide the fact that that is what you are going to have to do. Her rights to her child are better protected if the reporting happens after she has left, but the child's safety should be the top priority.

I was in an abusive relationship for eight years and leaving was a nightmare. I'd have given anything for someone to help me escape from it. Now I work with those who have PTSD as a result of abuse to learn to cope with the aftermath. Abuse from someone you used to love is the hardest thing to get away from because it always feels like it's your fault that they are hurting you, even when logic is screaming otherwise. And every time someone walks away instead of helping or says things like "Well why don't you just leave?" it reinforces the hold the abuser has on the victim tenfold. That is a major part of why there are mandatory reporting laws.

Socially we are taught that things like this are not our business and abusers use that to their advantage. They tell their victims things like no one cares about the victim or that others agree with what they are doing because otherwise someone would stop them. Essentially walking away entirely when you can do something about it makes you an accomplice to the abuse and this is recognized legally as such in many states. I think a lot of people who are aware of an abusive situation forget that as stressful as it is for them to know about it, it is nothing compared to what the abused is going through.

When discussing the escape plan with her make it clear that it is not an opening to get back together and that you have to report if she stays or goes back to him because of your job. Be a shoulder when needed and if you can't in the moment make time to be later and make sure she can trust that. I also recommend reading a bit on the psychological effects of abuse. A lot of the stuff that she is going to do, say, feel is going to be very frustrating. It's going to make you want to blame and dismiss her because it won't make sense. You need to remember that it is not her fault that she is thinking that way and it will be some time before her mind heals enough to function more logically (if ever). There may be a point where you have to walk away, but it shouldn't be done lightly.
 
My mother is still with her abuser after 32 years. She chose to stay with him and allowed me to move out at age of 10. She allowed her 2 year old son to be adopted out because cps would not let her have her son back as long as she was with with him. Its sickening but true that unless a someone is ready to leave an abuser no outside force can influence them .

And most definitely if their is abuse or neglect going on to the child you need to report to cps. Although unfortunately that doesn't always help.
 
My gf has a good female friend who was in an abusive r'ship with her husband for many years. They had 2 kids together. She was afraid to leave him because she was into BDSM and worried that CPS wouldn't be able to differentiate between consenual play and the actual non consensual abuse.

I have read a statistic that it takes, on average, 7 escapes and returns before a women leaves an abusive r'ship. This friend left her abuser several times, finally for good, getting full custody of their kids, and he is never allowed to be in the same room with them alone ever again.

Sadly the first roommate she chose after that was a controlling woman and she now has yet another controlling bf! But she is maturing and getting more self confident through furthering her education in many areas. It's a process.

I recommend calling CPS. You can do it anonymously. So what if your ex gets mad? It's for her own good, and the good of her baby. Shes just in it too deeply to see it.
 
Hi IC8,

Can I ask, does your now-ex-girlfriend agree with you that her husband is acting abusive? Can you give some examples of some of the abusive things he's done?

If you are concerned, particularly for the welfare of the child, it makes sense to share your concerns with her. You could advise her of your intention to notify CPS, but her husband could react by moving his family away and/or escalating his behavior towards them.

Another approach you could try is do your own research to find (a) crisis center/s in the area that would help her, then tell her that information and encourage her to make use of it.

Hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
In regards to CPS... I would be wary of framing it as "If you don't leave him, I will report him to CPS." This puts an extraordinary amount of pressure on her to leave someone she is clearly not ready to leave. Creating an ultimatum would most likely result in her resenting/rejecting you and your efforts, no matter how well-intentioned you are. Abusive relationships are difficult to leave for many reasons, not the least of which being that the victim still cares for the abuser. Unless she has indicated that she knows she is being abused, has lost trust in her abuser, and wants to leave, she will probably choose to trust him over you.

The best thing you can do is express your support for her no matter what she chooses to do. Do not use her child as leverage to influence her away from the relationship. If you're willing, provide a safe place for her and her child to go, encourage her to seek individual therapy and get in contact with a domestic violence advocate, and KEEP RECORDS of any incidences of violence that she tells you about.

As far as being a mandated reporter; I too am a teacher, and I will say this much. If you suspect physical or emotional violence being DIRECTED at the child, then yes, you must absolutely report it. You do not need to negotiate that with the mom. You should do it regardless of how she deals with the relationship--IF you have evidence of actual abuse toward the child. Do you? It sounds like you don't. In which case... don't get the child involved. That's not fair to your ex or her son/daughter.

I recognize this may be an unpopular opinion, but as a survivor of domestic violence both as a child and an adult, I can say from experience that additional pressure from outside will not help someone who is not ready to leave on her own. A safe alternative (place, life, emotional support) will.
 
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