My feelings about his time management

Well, it's probably more likely that he does want to be with you - but he's become used to you making it too easy for him. Hence, he doesn't step up and make enough (or any?) effort to let you know he wants to be with you. When you're very convenient, you can be taken for granted. He's probably a good guy, but just not really owning his responsibilities, as a man and as the hinge in a vee.

Still, better to take the risk and defend your personal boundaries rather than waste time and energy on an ineffectual man who doesn't grok the importance of letting a woman know she's cherished, valued, excites him, etc. Who needs that kinda crap?
 
I'm going to say something to this effect, soon (tomorrow?). It feels risky to me, as My fear is that he may just be happy to let it go. But then I guess I'm better off without someone who doesn't really want to be with me, but just can't be bothered to say so.

Glad to hear that you at least have some clarity about your needs here. One-sided relationships are not very enjoyable. Let us know how things go, if you're willing. Good luck!
 
Well since he's willing to have her come to him and that is why he sees her more often I would be insisting on going to him so you can have more time with him.
 
Norwegianpoly, I was responding to your statement that you would be "raging mad" if your partner spent more time with another partner than with you. And I was stating my opinion on the "more time than" thing, not judging your situation specifically. If you meant you would be "raging mad" if your partner spent more time with another *during your visits* only, that wasn't clear from your previous post.

I understand how having to make arrangements for travel and work can make seeing your partner more difficult. That wasn't what I was posting about. I was stating that I, personally, would not be angry if one of my partners spent more time with another partner than with me, a statement which was spurred partly by your statement that you *would* be angry. Again, obviously you meant you would be angry if he spent more time with someone else when you're visiting him, but that wasn't clear when you first posted.

Not sure why you've taken offense to my post when someone else also commented about your statement that you would be "raging mad," but I wasn't targeting you, nor meaning to imply that my situation is better than yours or whatever. Long distance relationships suck. Hubby and I were long distance for over a year before we moved in together, so I actually do know what it's like to have expenses, time, and the complete lack of companionship and physical contact.

As for "how dare I"... it's an open forum. You don't like my posts? Don't read them. But don't attack me for stating my opinion on a specific topic that others are also giving their opinions about.
 
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Well, it's probably more likely that he does want to be with you - but he's become used to you making it too easy for him. Hence, he doesn't step up and make enough (or any?) effort to let you know he wants to be with you. When you're very convenient, you can be taken for granted. He's probably a good guy, but just not really owning his responsibilities, as a man and as the hinge in a vee.

Exactly this. So this morning I texted to him pretty much what you said (I used many of your words, thanks). He wasn't happy about it, but said he'd still like to get together soon. I agreed, but the thing is, I need to let him know when I'm available. (Childcare) Oops. If he doesn't initiate contact with me, then how do I let him know?

Still, better to take the risk and defend your personal boundaries rather than waste time and energy on an ineffectual man who doesn't grok the importance of letting a woman know she's cherished, valued, excites him, etc. Who needs that kinda crap?

Not me.
 
Norwegianpoly, I was responding to your statement that you would be "raging mad" if your partner spent more time with another partner than with you. And I was stating my opinion on the "more time than" thing, not judging your situation specifically. If you meant you would be "raging mad" if your partner spent more time with another *during your visits* only, that wasn't clear from your previous post.

I understand how having to make arrangements for travel and work can make seeing your partner more difficult. That wasn't what I was posting about. I was stating that I, personally, would not be angry if one of my partners spent more time with another partner than with me, a statement which was spurred partly by your statement that you *would* be angry. Again, obviously you meant you would be angry if he spent more time with someone else when you're visiting him, but that wasn't clear when you first posted./QUOTE]
He doesn't spend time with anyone else while I visit. He just works and if he visits friends I tag along.

I did get raging mad when I thought he didn't want us to see each other soon, it is the only real fight we have ever had.
 
Exactly this. So this morning I texted to him pretty much what you said (I used many of your words, thanks). He wasn't happy about it, but said he'd still like to get together soon. I agreed, but the thing is, I need to let him know when I'm available. (Childcare) Oops. If he doesn't initiate contact with me, then how do I let him know?
The point is that if he isn't going to initiate, he isn't going to get to see you. You stand your ground and do not contact him. His loss if he doesn't step up.

If he does initiate contact and proposes a day/time when you are not available, you say, "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me, but I am available on [such-and-such days/times]." It's simple, really.

Don't be at his beck and call. If he doesn't make the effort necessary, then he doesn't deserve the privilege of your company.
 
Ugh. What have I done? Not feeling good about this at all. Wish I could just let it go, but I'm stressing over the whole thing. Feeling like I have no support at all lately. I don't even really have my other partner as support, as he's just lost his mum, and has enough of his own stuff to deal with. On top of everything else, I'm on holiday with my kids and haven't got any other adult company. Just want the world to stop.
 
I know this might sound rather flippant, and I don't mean it that way, but you sound rather co-dependent. It's only been since yesterday when you told him you were going to stop always being the one to initiate getting together, to give him the space to at least make a tiny fucking effort that shows he's a YES to life and to being with you -- the effort that you wanted to see in the first place because you were tired of feeling less important or like an afterthought! Remember?!? And here you are now sounding very melodramatic as if you've cut yourself off from all of humanity.

Hon, you need to find your validation, worth, and fulfillment within. You ain't gonna get it from a man, nor from anyone else outside yourself. You need to build your self-esteem by doing esteemable things, not wallowing in self-pity.

Get a hold of yourself.
 
I'm on holiday with my kids and haven't got any other adult company. Just want the world to stop.

I've quoted this because it strongly reminds me of an ex.

I used to be with a woman who seemed to value her time with her children less and less as our relationship developed. I'm not a biological parent although I have parented more than one child. I found her attitude distasteful to say the least. She would want me to be at everything and when I did attend, it quickly changed from us doing something with her children to her children tagging along with us on our date. Even events where we were only there to watch her children do something revolved around us, or should I say, me. She stopped enjoying being their parent and it was clear that she started to view them as burdensome because I didn't always want to hang out with the children and be part of their activities and instead of questioning our compatibility, she became resentful towards them. It was really off-putting for me. She probably still maintains that I dumped her because she is a mother. That isn't the case at all. I dumped her because I couldn't stand to see how little validation she got from her children, and how much validation she got from me.
 
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Hon, you need to find your validation, worth, and fulfillment within. You ain't gonna get it from a man, nor from anyone else outside yourself. You need to build your self-esteem by doing esteemable things, not wallowing in self-pity.

Get a hold of yourself.

You're absolutely right. I'm not normally a co-dependent type, but I have been behaving that way recently, as I've had a couple pretty serious set backs, and have been feeling sorry for myself.
Im going to start changing my attitude and behaviour. Today.
 
I've quoted this because it strongly reminds me of an ex.

I used to be with a woman who seemed to value her time with her children less and less as our relationship developed.
... I couldn't stand to see how little validation she got from her children, and how much validation she got from me.

You've raised a good point and it's made me think about whether this applies to me. I'd say no, as my kids have never met anyone I've been dating yet. I'm going to be conscious of this though, and not let it happen. My comment about adult company was just a reflection of me feeling sorry for myself, and as I said before, I'm done with that now.
 
I'm just going to throw this out there. You have children and time constraints that his OSO doesn't have. You said you basically have Saturday night available. How should he be dividing up time? He drives to see you but you can only see him one day a week. His other goes to his place and is more flexible. So to make things "fair" he should only be seeing her once a week as well?

I don't see this as an issue with him not initiating but rather an issue with you not being able to date like you would like to.
 
Once a week? I see him once a month, or less. Anyway, after reading and thinking through the thread, I've realised that the real issue is that this relationship isn't meeting my needs, which is in turn making me feel insecure. I've decided to walk away.
 
. . . I've realised that the real issue is that this relationship isn't meeting my needs, which is in turn making me feel insecure. I've decided to walk away.

Good for you. Not that I wanted or hoped for you to end it, specifically, but it is good that you assessed what was contributing to your feeling shitty and now are being decisive about doing something in your favor. If moving on feels right, then good for you. Now you can look at your insecurities without being distracted.

It's tough - I think we have to be willing to be alone and feel a certain amount of emptiness in our lives in order to make space for something new and fantastic to come in. Like, I want to be with people who say "Hell yes!" to being with me. I want to be with people who are eager for my company and let me know it in actions as well as words. That's how it was when I first met my ex-husband, and pretty much why I married him. He was always a "Hell, yes!" to being with me, and that felt pretty great.

So, if I want Hell Yes People in my life, I need to purge the Meh People to make room for them, LOL. Even if it means being without anyone for a while.
 
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Hi ThatYankBird,

I'm a little late posting on this thread, but I just wanted to let you know I think you've made the right decision. Once a month or less? That's a crappy deal.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Once a week? I see him once a month, or less. Anyway, after reading and thinking through the thread, I've realised that the real issue is that this relationship isn't meeting my needs, which is in turn making me feel insecure. I've decided to walk away.

Glad you found some clarity in your life. Way to assert your needs. :)
 
Hi ThatYankBird,

I'm a little late posting on this thread, but I just wanted to let you know I think you've made the right decision. Once a month or less? That's a crappy deal.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Well, it depends how you look at it. It's a crappy deal if your partner could see you fifteen times a month but only sees you once. However, if a genuine clash of schedules means that you can only see each other once a month, I'd say that's still quite crappy, sure, but not about the flaws of the partner. I'll admit that a clash of schedules often means there is a discord in priorities. But I'm not sure that I'd always give up something significant like a hobby or social time to enhance a relationship. Even one I'd ideally like to develop.

I'm glad you've made a decision that suits you.
 
Yes, Mighty Max, it wasn't strictly the once a month that was the issue. All other things being good, I'd be happy with quality time once a month. The issue was me feeling like I was the one putting in all the effort. As someone else said, I'd just made myself too available to him, and it was just too easy for him to let me approach him. This was no longer meeting my needs, so I've asked him to do things differently. If he chooses not to, then that's that.
 
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