Metamour scheduling 'available time'

A2Poly

New member
My BFF/ metamour has a habit of saying things like "I'm going to be busy next weekend, you should come out and see [partner]. He can't come see you though, I need child care"

I'm pretty sure she means it in a 'hey, there's some time here, just so you know' kind of way, but it always strikes me as 'hey, come distract my husband so he doesn't mind so much that I'm busy with [work, hobby, FWB] and not spending time with him/the kids.'

She's generally a good metamour, and a great friend, and I don't want to see ulterior motives, but sometimes it feels like I'm the lollipop she's using to distract her husband while she gets to live the life she wants.

IDK, I feel like she should be telling him to invite me? Or? Something? Maybe it's that she is being specific about HER needing childcare (like he wouldn't take the kids into account when scheduling our time)?

Any ideas on why this is wiggling me out? Or on how to approach it with her?
 
I can definitely understand why you would feel that she's using you as a distraction for her hubby. Especially with the "I need childcare" bit. That makes it sound like his time with you is an afterthought... and also, as you say, like *she's* the only one thinking about childcare even though the kids are *theirs*. (And seriously... "childcare"?? He's their father, right? That isn't childcare. That's parenting.)

In my opinion, if you're seeing your partner, *he* should be the one making the plans. How does your metamour even know he wants to see you on a given night? Maybe he wants to play a board game with the kids, or chill out with a glass of wine and a movie after they go to bed, or something.

I wouldn't advise addressing this with her directly. Your partner needs to be the one to bring it up to her. I would tell *him* how you feel about the situation, and that it's becoming a problem for you because you feel used as a distraction rather than like a partner he values. Let him know that you're uncomfortable with your metamour being the one to arrange the get-togethers between you and him, and ask him if he's willing to discuss this with her.

Regardless of how good a friend you consider your metamour, she's interfering in your relationship with your partner. To me, it sounds like she's overstepping her bounds. He's her husband; he needs to stand up for his relationship with you.
 
Wow, fast response! Thanks :)

To clarify, HE definitely would consider that parenting, and he always thinks of the kids first. I really respect that about him, actually. I *think* she meant it in more if a 'if he comes to see you we have to arrange alternate childcare, and that's a hassle, and might be hard to explain to the grandparents' (which is better, but not by much).

Thanks for validating my feeling that she should talk to him about scheduling. She's better with blunt statements of boundaries: when discussing him and I sleeping in their bed I needed to flat out tell her (rather forcibly) that she didn't discuss that with me, she discussed it with him and then needed to trust him to follow their agreement. So I may have to do the same again with this one. I just wasn't sure if I felt like it was something worth the confrontation. But I guess if I'm bothered enough to he posting here... I'm probably bothered enough to need to deal with it.
 
Definitely. Again, though, I wouldn't recommend *you* confronting her about it. I think this is something *he* needs to address with her, especially since part of the problem is that she feels it's appropriate to go to you behind his back. If you want her to understand that she needs to talk to *him* about things like this and let *him* make the decisions about your time together, rather than going to you without his knowledge, *he* should be the one telling her to knock it off. Otherwise you risk coming across as hypocritical by going to her to tell her to stop going to you.
 
you should tell your boyfriend that if he wants to see you he can invite you and tell your metamore thanks for her concern but you will accept invitations from him only. I seriously do not contact the women my husband is seeing. I will tell him hey I'm going to be busy with work or school on this day so if you want to do something you can but I certainly don't let them know that. that's on him, he might not even want to hang out with anybody. a lot of the times I'll just mention to him hey I'm going to be doing XYZ if you want so and so to come over and he chooses not to I feel like it should be your boyfriends choice whether she has you over or not
 
IDK, I feel like she should be telling him to invite me? Or? Something? Maybe it's that she is being specific about HER needing childcare (like he wouldn't take the kids into account when scheduling our time)?

Any ideas on why this is wiggling me out? Or on how to approach it with her?

If it were me? I would say something like...

"Hey, that's great that you are thinking of me and there's some time. Thanks. Could you be willing to let him know that rather than me? That gives him the opportunity to do his own inviting. He may just want to have Daddy time with the kids or see another friend. If he invites me, that's great. If he doesn't that is ok to. I just prefer he handle his time management directly himself -- both now and in future occasions."​

Then bow out any more convo about it. You have stated your preferences. Whether her intentions are good or not... she's stepping on his toes for his time management. That belongs to him. Maybe it doesn't bug him or her... but you have stated your preferences about it. Done.


Could not view it as "confrontation" but rather "stating my preferences/boundaries." Nothing horrible about that. People are not mind readers.

Galagirl
 
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I think you are over thinking this situation. She may be just trying to make sure you and your bf to get some time together.

I would just answer with thanks for the info and just wait for your bfs invitation to come over.
 
Otherwise you risk coming across as hypocritical by going to her to tell her to stop going to you.

But I'm the one having a problem. Running to him to fix it... idk. She and I have been friends for 28 years. Twice as long as she's been married to him. I don't want to triangulate my communication with her.

Dagferi, you may also be right :) I do that a lot.

ETA: It literally took me saying: YOU don't talk to ME about this, you talk to HIM about this and then he talks to me to stop inappropriate communication before. He had talked to her, I had talked to her, but I had to get blunt and a bit angry before she actually *heard* what I was saying.
 
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Take it in the spirit that she's trying to be nice and include you. Just say "Thanks for the heads up" and then go on with your life. I wouldn't even make a thing out of it. It doesn't really affect anything between and bf, does it? Maybe it's annoying, but sometimes humans are.
 
I think Lovebunny is right...take it as a kindness and move on. If this keeps up as a trend, mention to her that it makes you uncomfortable to feel like she's scheduling your time with him. But please, go with your instinct and talk directly towards her. Don't make him the middleman.

She may not be doing everything "right," but who does? Appreciate that your metamour is making the effort to be friends with you.

I swear, I'd love a book on How to be a Good Metamour. It's a tricky relationship and no one tells you how it works :) I'm thinking of writing one myself.
 
She may not be doing everything "right," but who does? Appreciate that your metamour is making the effort to be friends with you.

I swear, I'd love a book on How to be a Good Metamour. It's a tricky relationship and no one tells you how it works :) I'm thinking of writing one myself.

No body does it "right", because there is no such thing. But "right enough" can work just fine :) and I think we'd have to make an effort NOT to be friends, we've known each other for 3/4th of our lives!

And yes, please, do write the book! I'd love to read it!! I'll even contribute, lol!
 
Wait, wait! Lotus and I were going to write that book! You must have stolen the idea telepathically!:p
 
Wait, wait! Lotus and I were going to write that book! You must have stolen the idea telepathically!:p

I'll write it with you! Metamours are severely underrepresented in poly writings. ...
 
I think your longstanding friendship is what's really causing this issue. You don't have the typical metamour relationship of mostly just being connected due to a shared partner. I'm sure over 28 years of being BFF, you two have pretty freely shared info with each other and for many things, your communication has gotten pretty casual. But now you're dating her husband and while she's still communicating casually, there's now an aspect in your friendship communication that you want more boundaries about. So, speaking to her in a loving best friend way (not irritated metamour way) might be the key here. Perhaps thinking of that aspect first might help in creating the most positive actions here.
 
I think your longstanding friendship is what's really causing this issue. You don't have the typical metamour relationship of mostly just being connected due to a shared partner. ... Perhaps thinking of that aspect first might help in creating the most positive actions here.

Yes, I think you're right. This is why all the 'usual' how-to-deal-with-a-metamour advice isn't sitting right. I've pretty much decided to gently (but firmly) discuss it with her next time it comes up.

I'll discuss it (and scheduling issues in general) with him as needed, but I would really appreciate her distinguishing between 'hey come out, *I* want to see you' which she hopefully will always come straight to me with, and 'hey come out and distract my husband' which she needs to go to him about, or just allow him room to invite me himself.
 
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