Why will this woman not leave me alone. :|

Invi

New member
I really dislike one of my metamours. I am pretty sure the only things we have in common is we both have an interest in learning Spanish, and we love the same man. That said, never have I asked him to stop seeing her, told her to go away, or any of that nonsense. That's his relationship, and so long as it's not affecting ours, I don't care who he is seeing.

I do wish she'd leave ME alone, though. She has my contact information, and to me, that is enough. She wants a friendship, but I just do not like her. Her pushing is incredibly irritating to me. I have told her more than once that if a friendship develops in time, great, but that I like to let them do just that. Develop. Stop interrogating me and trying to make buddy-buddy with me. I do not appreciate it.

More than once she has said she was done trying to talk to me, and for a while, I wouldn't hear anything. And then she'd text me out of nowhere. A good morning or hello here, a message asking my favorite color, or my favorite, a link from morethantwo or some other site on how metamours ought to interact, with nothing else to say. If she read what she was sending, perhaps she'd have noted the bit about not trying to force relationships into preconceived shapes, but maybe not.

Then a month or two ago, whenever National Peace Day was, she messaged me with something along the lines of, "It's National Peace Day, so I thought maybe we could start over. I'm working on myself and trying to change things. What are the things you don't like about me so I can work on myself? I'd really like us to be friends or at least amicable."
Paraphrasing. Text was longer. Much.

Up until then I'd just been ignoring her texts. I don't deal with people who are hot and cold all the time. I do not keep friends who say they don't want anything to do with me one day then want to be my bestie two weeks later.
Against my better judgement, I replied. I said something along the lines of, If she's working on herself for herself, that's great, but people who know her better than I do would probably be more able to help her with that. I again reiterated that if a friendship develops between us, then cool, but that I was not okay with pushing it.
I was polite, if blunt.

She reacted emotionally.
"The only reason I keep trying is because very soon, I will be living out there. (She currently lives 1400 miles away) Very soon, we will be confronted by the fact that he wants us all to live together. I think it's best to try now instead of learning we can't tolerate each other. But I will stop trying and will refuse to take things further with him until the day you make the step to try with me. Because I'm so sick of being the one to make the first step. I'm sick of everyone else's feelings coming before mine. Because I did not do anything to anyone for me to be pushed to the side all the time. But this is what it is. And eventually this will drive me away. Have a good night."

I wanted to respond, but I didn't. I wanted to tell her to fuck off for threatening to impact their relationship based on me not wanting to be buddy-buddy with her. I hate dealing with manipulative, hot and cold people.

Mister messaged me not long after asking what was going on between she and I because she can't keep things between us as things between us. She goes to him about it and complains how she's the only one trying. She doesn't just do this over things with me. She does it with our other metamour as well. Our other metamour who has made herself rather unhappy trying to build a friendship with this woman and it just isn't working.

To shorten this a bit, the mister thinks I misinterpreted what she was saying, and that she was not being manipulative or threatening to stall any relationship progress with him, just that she feels unaccepted by my other metamour and myself and feels she can't proceed without us liking her.

Sure, you can't very well live with us if we can't stand you, but no one is keeping you from seeing the mister and no one wants to. Your shit is your shit.

Anyway. I guess that was towards the end of September. I have not heard from her since... until this morning when she sent me a message about the holiday.

That is no big thing in itself, but I really wish she would just leave me alone. I have met her, I have talked to her, I accept she is a part of his life and I do not care about that. If they are happy having a relationship, so be it.
But I do not like her. I do not wish to talk to her. I do not want to be her friend. I have made efforts to keep myself away from people who behave like she does. The only reason I have not blocked her number is because, universe forbid, there might be an emergency some day and I may need to contact her. That's why I didn't delete the damn thing when she broke up with him months ago (over this same kind of thing) and told my other metamour and myself to lose her number, because I figured it wouldn't last long.

I can continue to ignore her messages, but I'd rather she not message me at all unless it is important.

Why, why, why, WHY would you continue to contact a metamour who clearly has no interest in socializing with you?
 
Get yourself the mrnumber app. Block her texts ignore her existance. Simple as pie.
 
I don't have an active smart phone. I do most of my texting and calling via Google Voice. I could block her number with that, but it would block all communications. I guess I could just block her and unblock her whenever he's visiting her or if I need contact her because something happened to him here.
 
It sounds like a three way discussion is needed.

He wants all of you to live together. This puts pressure on forging a friendship. She tried. You decided you "just do not like her" but it doesn't sound like you even want to get to know her. Your own words suggest you don't know much about her. How is anything suppose to develop in that atmosphere? She tried, you haven't....kinda does mean you've passive aggressively put a halt to his wants and her goal of wanting it to be possible. You're not coming out and saying stop seeing my partner but you are putting up walls to what you know is their shared goal. Totally your right to say you don't want to live with her. Maybe he can live with her and you have your own place once she moves to town. That way they get their goal of living together and you don't have to feel forced into living with her?

If she is trying and you don't want to its time to talk about how this whole living together as a vee thing just isn't going to happen. It will put a stop to your annoyance.
 
I have tried to get to know her. I just don't like her. She's pushy, tries to plan others' lives for them, manipulative, pushes responsibility for her own actions off on other people, and often makes herself out to be a victim.
She's not ALL bad. She sets goals and tries to stick with them whenever possible. I just don't like her personality.
I told her to ask other people about her faults because if I told her what I thought about her, it would certainly lead to an argument and our mutual partner would have lectured me about hurting her feelings, which I didn't want to deal with. I don't think much of people who try to change themselves to get everyone to like them anyway. Not everyone will like you. Such is life.

I am not limiting what they can be, just that she and I won't live together.
He and I have a son and a daughter on the way. I highly doubt he'll give up living with them, myself, and possibly my other metamour to live with her, but that's up to him. He wants the big poly family house. That's not likely with her not only because I don't like her, but she and my other metamour do not get on well, either.
I've mentioned before that she could live across the street or next door or something to our partner, he was not happy about that.

You're right that it needs to be addressed by everyone. I would think that it would be obvious by now that situation will not work, but no one has come out and said, "This isn't going to happen the way you want it to; what are the alternatives?"
Quite possibly because every time something doesn't go the way she wants it's, "I'll just leave because you guys don't like me."
 
""The only reason I keep trying is because very soon, I will be living out there. (She currently lives 1400 miles away) Very soon, we will be confronted by the fact that he wants us all to live together. I think it's best to try now instead of learning we can't tolerate each other."

That whole bit disturbs me. I dislike when people preconceive that people should all live together, without them knowing each other. If she wants to move in with him, fine.

Again, if you don't mind losing time with him, because you have to avoid her or others, that's your deal. Not hers.

I stopped trying to be friends with my metamour when it became clear she wasn't interested. But it did mean she couldn't ever go out with him to his social events. I'm always open, though, to being friendly with anyone who would like that from me.
 
Or she gets her own place and he stays with her some of the time after the babies are older and Don't require as much night time parenting. Sounds like with twins on the way his time for an additional partner is going to be very limited. . Just because he also wants to live with her too doesn't mean that you should be forced out of your home so she can move in. I knwo for myself I would never allow somebody to move into my home. this is my home I'm very territorial and I will not share it with another woman. if my husband had dreams of a big poly family that's just a dream that's never going to happen
 
I would send her one final message and I would tell her do not contact me again you do not have a relationship with me I do not want to have a relationship with you so we leave me alone I will ignore any further messages texts or phone calls from you if you have concerns you need to take them up with your boyfriend not with me
 
Or she gets her own place and he stays with her some of the time

I didn't realize there were babies.

But what if he wants more time with her than that? He'll be forced to leave the house and the babies in order to spend time with her. Wouldn't it be easier if she could join in the family and home life, in order to help support and build?

I think it's very legitimate to find out ASAP if the two of them can live together. Because if not, the other woman needs to know if this relationship is right for her before investing even MORE time and emotion.

This kind of thing splits up marriages all the time... Because now he loves two different women who he has to live two different lives with... What happens if/when he has kids with Girlfriend #2?
 
Oh, it's not twins. My mistake in the wording.
We already have a 2.5 year old son, and are expecting a little girl at the end of December. lol.

The living situation right now is changing. I have been staying with my mother and he with a friend of his. We actually just signed a lease Wednesday to move back in to a place together. One reason I don't want to talk to him about all of this immediately is because he is under a lot of stress. After we get moved and settled, it will be brought up. I don't want to absolutely shut her down until all this is sorted, because it will lead to at least one argument between our partner and I. He doesn't see how we can't just get along. He doesn't push it anymore, but it still upsets him when something comes up.
 
Oh, it's not twins. My mistake in the wording.
We already have a 2.5 year old son, and are expecting a little girl at the end of December. lol.

The living situation right now is changing. I have been staying with my mother and he with a friend of his. We actually just signed a lease Wednesday to move back in to a place together. One reason I don't want to talk to him about all of this immediately is because he is under a lot of stress. After we get moved and settled, it will be brought up. I don't want to absolutely shut her down until all this is sorted, because it will lead to at least one argument between our partner and I. He doesn't see how we can't just get along. He doesn't push it anymore, but it still upsets him when something comes up.

You're going to wait till you're all three living together?
 
I didn't realize there were babies.

But what if he wants more time with her than that? He'll be forced to leave the house and the babies in order to spend time with her. Wouldn't it be easier if she could join in the family and home life, in order to help support and build?

I think it's very legitimate to find out ASAP if the two of them can live together. Because if not, the other woman needs to know if this relationship is right for her before investing even MORE time and emotion.

This kind of thing splits up marriages all the time... Because now he loves two different women who he has to live two different lives with... What happens if/when he has kids with Girlfriend #2?

I think it just depends on what you value. my home is important to me, having my home be my space is important to me I would much rather my husband be gone a couple times a week then have somebody in my space 24 /7. I don't even want my husband bringing his sex partners in my home when I'm gone let alone when im there and have them come over I made an exception for Jane because she is one of my best friends now but if he brought someone around like Deanna screw that she would not want to be in the same house with me because I would not be very welcoming to her even if I didn't say anything rude she would definitely no I wasn't happy with her being there and who wants to be somewhere where they're not wanted anyway? Just because he lives there doesn't mean he should have the final say on who gets to come into the home it needs to be a agreement between the people who actually live there and if one person doesn't want somebody there then I kind of feel like that is the end
 
I think it just depends on what you value. my home is important to me, having my home be my space is important to me

I think if it works for you, that's fine. But I'd warn the OP to be careful on this one, as if he falls in love with this other girlfriend and wants a family with her, he'll end up splitting his time in two. Not just being gone a couple of nights.

It really sounds like his preference is for everyone to live together and hers is to have her own space. That's a pretty significant thing to disagree on.
 
I think if it works for you, that's fine. But I'd warn the OP to be careful on this one, as if he falls in love with this other girlfriend and wants a family with her, he'll end up splitting his time in two. Not just being gone a couple of nights.

It really sounds like his preference is for everyone to live together and hers is to have her own space. That's a pretty significant thing to disagree on.

I split my available time between my husband and my boyfriend and it really isn't that big of a deal. my husband would much rather me be gone then me bring my boyfriend into our house as well. and even if that other lady moved in guess what he still going to be with that other woman half the time but now it's going to be right under your nose I kind of like that situation just causes way more conflict than having the partner out at least with the other guy out she has the option of spending that time with another partner
 
I think if it works for you, that's fine. But I'd warn the OP to be careful on this one, as if he falls in love with this other girlfriend and wants a family with her, he'll end up splitting his time in two. Not just being gone a couple of nights.

It really sounds like his preference is for everyone to live together and hers is to have her own space. That's a pretty significant thing to disagree on.

It's a disagreement that Chops and I (and Xena) had, and managed to work through, although there aren't babies in the picture (Chops had the "family poly" ideal in his head - I wanted nothing to do with it). It can be managed, but forcing people to live together won't really make things easier. Personality conflicts (and ANY conflicts, for that matter) get magnified when you live together. The resulting rise in stress level has potential to just make things harder on everyone, including Invi's husband.

Invi, does you husband like all your friends? Does he like all your family? Does he like the same people you like? If not, maybe you could gently remind him that just because you and your metamour have HIM in common, it doesn't mean that you'd be friends outside of that. If you can find a family member or friend that really rubs him the wrong way, maybe pushing him to befriend that person would drive the point home. ;)
 
I think if it works for you, that's fine. But I'd warn the OP to be careful on this one, as if he falls in love with this other girlfriend and wants a family with her, he'll end up splitting his time in two. Not just being gone a couple of nights.

It really sounds like his preference is for everyone to live together and hers is to have her own space. That's a pretty significant thing to disagree on.

I split my time as close to 50/50 as I can between the two seperate homes I share with my husbands.

My husbands enjoy their time alone. They work on projects, hobbies, etc.

This weekend I am with Murf from today until Monday. Butch was pushing me out the door this am.. lol. He wants to play WoW uninterrupted tonight.
 
What nycindie said...

We have the "your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay" thing... I think substituting "poly" in place of "kink" might be good.

I doubt I would ever be comfortable having both of my guys living in the same house. I *like* leaving my apartment to go see S2. He likes his time alone when I'm not there (though he's said he gets bored when I'm not around). And Hubby has enough trouble sharing space with my kids and me; he's very much an alpha male type, and I can't really see him sharing space with another man. As it stands now, S2 isn't even allowed to come to my apartment, because I feel very strongly that my home needs to be the "safe space" for me and my daughters, and having someone here who doesn't live here interferes with that. Country barely tolerates it on the rare occasions when *relatives* visit us, and the one time Best Friend came over, Country demanded to know why he was in her house--even though she'd known he was coming--and when he was leaving, and then shut herself in her room until he was gone. She puts a tremendous amount of effort into appearing "normal" when she's around people other than immediate family; home is the one place where she's allowed to be herself.
 
I have tried to get to know her. I just don't like her. She's pushy, tries to plan others' lives for them, manipulative, pushes responsibility for her own actions off on other people, and often makes herself out to be a victim.

Far be it from me to armchair diagnose, but this woman sounds like she may indeed be a narcissist. By that I don't mean just she's self centered, I mean that she may have some degree of NPD.

Beyond that, everything else you've stated paints the picture of trouble waiting to happen. Not even that, since she's obviously already causing trouble with the three of you. She's an atomic bomb waiting to go off, and the radiation is already affecting your lives from 1400 miles away. Even if you don't end up living together, just having this woman in the same area as the rest of your clan is going to bring this situation to a head. I don't foresee a happy ending for anyone involved.

I'd work on defusing this bomb before things get to the point of her packing up a U-Haul. Talking to her is obviously pointless since it hasn't worked so far. If she is indeed full-blown NPD none of this will be her fault and any blame for conflict will fall on you and the other woman in your lives since she apparently can't deal with her either.

Talk to Mister. Point out the strife this woman has caused already via remote access and ask him if he thinks she'll somehow magically become a team player with everyone's best interests in mind when she shows up in your zip code. Ask him point blank if having her in his life is worth losing everything else, because that does seem to be the path this situation is heading down. Has he really spent significant time in person with her, or is this some internet pseudo-relationship thingy?

It doesn't matter if you're mono, poly, or dealing with a relative or in-law, keeping toxic people out of one's life should always be a priority for those wishing to have a pleasant and peaceful existence.
 
I cannot stand it when people think everyone has to all live together in order to have multiple relationships. Gack! How tedious. Poly is what you make it. Lots of people may be compatible for all sorts of things except as housemates.

It's not tedious, it's lovely. Anyway, even if it were, it doesn't matter. I plan on having kids with him and I won't live with parents in separate homes. But I won't stop him, or myself, from having other relationships.
 
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