Identity crisis and hurt emotions

Saphiredark

New member
hey everyone,

I am so awkward a this but nobody knows who I am so it is ok.

I met this girl fall 2014 at some conference in my city and something just kept making me stare at her to the point where I'd just look down because everytime I looked up, my eyes would look for her. We'd make eye contact several times. we ended up exchanging facebook info nothing happened and the conference was over, the END?
fast forward to the summer, I was at another conference and she happn to be there because it was in her hometown, I had no idea! I hadn't seen her since. we spoke from time to time in between and had some cool conversations but nothing serious. she found me at the conference for a few minutes we danced at the party then she told me she was leaving with her partner. I was like OH! ok...left it at that and figured I'd rarely hear from her again.
FAST FORWARD...OCTOBER

she happen to come to my state because of some family emergency and reached out to me wanting to hang out since she is never here and doesn't know much folk here. I said hmmm ok I don't mind hanging out plantonically with someone for the evening. BUT....we went out dancing which was ok...she basically watched me for the night and we danced a couple times and we went back to my apartment since it was easier for her to catch her bus back that way.

WE STAYED UP talking all night!! about EVERYTHING! we connected and we just started telling each other things and having conversations that shocked the both of us. it was like we were the same people....we had similar experiences with everything! it was like speaking to myself. It was and still is very cool! we even think the same way.


FAST FORWARD to December.

we had been talking heavily in between and to no limits either and things started getting deep and I joked saying you must be POLY since I don't see you setting limits on how close we get...she said yea but she wants to remain platonic because of various reasons and I said ok no probs so I put myself back on the market and started a monogamous relationship with someone.
I was travelling and told her I'd make a pit stop to see her in NY if she wanted and she said yea and I could stay a couple nights so we could hang out. I said cool! so to make a long story short....we ended up clicking and talking about everything under the sun and had sex multiple times and it felt like nothing before for the either of us.

She had spoken to her partner about it and he is cool about it granted the relationship type and he is just invested as to how it contributed to her growth...we both said never again.
TILL this past week where I went down again for work and I stayed longer and we couldn't keep our hands and bodies off each other. NOW feelings are involved. MIND YOU....I still have my GF. :-/

she is terrified because she is madly in love with her partner and she feels the potential of us interfering with that since I live closer than he does who lives back in her hometown a thousand miles away. Talking to her is amazing and connecting with her is like floating in space with a companion as you comment on the stars and universe all around us.
I don't get that with my current partner...even though she is a wonderful person, she is funny, and we always have a good time.

I have always considered a poly relationship since I could never seem to keep the same person for longer than a month and I connect with so many people.
SO LOONG!!! SORRY! please help :-/
 
I am sorry you are struggling. I hope you feel better for the vent. But I'm not sure what help you are asking for though. Let me try to sum up. You correct me if I am wrong, ok?

  • In a nutshell, you had a crush person. She's poly and has another BF. She wanted to keep it platonic with you.

  • You started a monogamous relationship with your present GF.

  • You met up with the crush woman a few times and cheated on present GF.

  • At this point in time, your GF remains in the dark about all that.

  • Crush's BF is fine with you and Crush dating.

  • Crush is nervous about dating both her established LDR BF and more local You. She fears that because you are closer in geography, that will mess things up with her LDR.

  • You want to try poly. (With which people in the mix?)

At this point in time, you would like help to do _____?

What's your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
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Wow you are really good at this thank you!

So crush woman and I made and still are really great friends, so I feel like its more than a crush and she does as well...which presents a problem as to why its complicated.
I've never entered into a mono relationship like gf/bf. Simply because I always found it weird to me to limit myself to talking to one person with no limits. I personally feel like we should have freedom to love one another and care for another. People don't all agree...that's ok.

But with this being my first, I messed up from the bat. I didn't expect crush woman to like me so I thought I was safe from anything.

As for current GF, I plan on telling her but only after crush and I figure out what's happening (today/tomorrow). I really like crush woman, and I'd like to keep her in my life but I think after I tell GF she wouldn't be ok with that.....I think she'd make me do ultimatum.

I don't want my cake and to eat it too....I don't care for physicality and sex. I just love the both of them. (Not in love....at least I am not sure about the crush).


Both crush and I are afraid. And trying to figure stuff out especially as to how and why our feelings towards one another is that strong
 
Cheating is not cool, at all.

Before you even think about seeing this woman again, you owe it to your partner to either break-up or have a talk about polyamory. Until you do that, there's no point contemplating dating conference woman.

It's not fair to your partner to keep her in the dark while you contemplate a new relationship, ready to throw her away like an old shoe. She's a person, not a place-holder. Have some decency.

If conference woman really is poly, there's no reason a relationship with you should interfere with her relationship with her other partner. It's just a question of time management. If, however, she's just into swinging and can only love one person at a time, then there's nothing for you to think about. It's up to her to choose.
 
Both crush and I are afraid. And trying to figure stuff out especially as to how and why our feelings towards one another is that strong

Afraid of what? That cheating behavior comes with a price tag?

I would guess that the feelings are strong because it is an adrenalin rush from several directions at once.
  • a) it is a new crush
  • b) from the recent new sex
  • c) there's the cheating excitement/stress of "will we get caught or not?" stuff.

But "feelings" is not the problem here. The problem is that you made agreements with GF that you broke. So sort that out FIRST, then sort out the Crush woman. Not the other way around.

Long story short? I think you may be looking at a breaking up with your GF.

  • She might not want poly since she asked for monogamous agreements with you to begin with.
    • That points to "not compatible" if you want to poly.
    • You could end it now and set you both free.
    • Why agree to things you do not want and cannot follow through on? Don't agree next time. "Say 'No. I cannot promise you exclusive. I want to date more than one person."

  • The price of admission to "2nd chance with GF at mono" may be "Lose the Crush woman." That's just is what it is, dude. A 1:1 model means you and GF, not any other people in there. GF can state her price tag. You can choose to pay it or not.
  • The price of admission to "2nd chance with GF at poly" may be "Lose Crush woman." Even if GF decides she does want to try poly, she is not likely to want it with your prior cheating affair partner in the new poly network. GF can state her price tag. You can choose to pay it or not.

    In case in helps, if you plan to stay with the GF in whatever relationship shape: http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Talking to her is amazing and connecting with her is like floating in space with a companion as you comment on the stars and universe all around us. I don't get that with my current partner...even though she is a wonderful person, she is funny, and we always have a good time.

Sounds like Crush Woman floats your boat more than GF does. Since you don't really want monogamy? It seems kinder and more loving behavior to me to break up with GF and set her free. Sort that out FIRST. Do not keep her around like some kind of back up plan if Crush Woman decides it is not a runner. YOU are in charge of your choices and how you practice your ethics, not Crush woman.

Sort out GF and THEN deal with Crush woman. Present yourself as actually available to date. And give it some thought before you extend the offer to date Crush.

  • Does it bother you that she was willing to cheat with you?
  • How much do you trust her not to break new poly agreements with you? It isn't like poly is "cheat proof."
  • She runs hot/cold/hot/cold -- what's with the mixed messages?

Don't get so lost in new crush/new sex feelings and a sense of "urgency" or "anxiety" or "drama" that you lose sight of what is important: There's no actual fire here.

  • You could take your time.
  • You could fly truer to your values in your behavior so you aren't feeling yucky any more with identity crisis/hurt emotions.
  • You could assess this Crush as a potential partner with a more discerning eye.

You are worth dating properly -- not like some conference throw away swag.

Galagirl
 
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TILL this past week where I went down again for work and I stayed longer and we couldn't keep our hands and bodies off each other. NOW feelings are involved. MIND YOU....I still have my GF. :-/
versus
I don't want my cake and to eat it too....I don't care for physicality and sex. I just love the both of them.

I think you are lying to yourself about being able to see this woman platonically and not cheating/breaking agreements. Sex happened twice although you both "didn't want to". Admit it, either your going to sleep with her or you cannot see her at all.
 
Thanks y'all.

I decided to have a conversation with the GF tonight when I see her. Haven't seen her in a week. I am not afraid anymore....I made a decision because I wasn't true to myself and got someone hurt in the process. I tried to ignore my own issues, fears and insecurities and they manifested to the point where the other party got hurt.

At this point it is not even about choosing between the two. It is about setting things right and making sure I come out learning from this experience.

The truth is that I don't know how to be in anything serious and longer than a few months and that it scares me to try. I'm afraid that I'd get stuck after years. That one day feelings would dissolve and I'd have to still stick around. It all ties to my past of never having anything that resembles compassion and it may sound like an excuse but I feel that its just the saying in frutiton that hurt people hurt people.

I'm going to let her know my fears and insecurities. If she's willing to work with me then that would be great, I'd gladly take that. But I don't expect her too at all.

You can't fix something unless you know its an issue. This is something where if I pursue someone else in the near future I'd need to present my fears and inscurities right off the table....I wasn't true to myself. And my intentions were selfish.


Thank you everyone, this why I have faith in the human race at times. We can truly work together to solve anything.
 
I decided to have a conversation with the GF tonight when I see her.
...
I'm going to let her know my fears and insecurities. If she's willing to work with me then that would be great, I'd gladly take that. But I don't expect her too at all.

Congratulations on getting clarity. Are you going to tell her about the cheating as well?
 
1524

Congratulations on getting clarity. Are you going to tell her about the cheating as well?

I kinda thought that was obvious. I'm sure everyone else on here would've have thought as much seeing as I gave praise to a reply that I suggest that I tell her what happened.
I apologize if I seem defensive but your comment came off pretty condensending and facetious.
 
Afraid of what? That cheating behavior comes with a price tag?

I would guess that the feelings are strong because it is an adrenalin rush from several directions at once.
  • a) it is a new crush
  • b) from the recent new sex
  • c) there's the cheating excitement/stress of "will we get caught or not?" stuff.

But "feelings" is not the problem here. The problem is that you made agreements with GF that you broke. So sort that out FIRST, then sort out the Crush woman. Not the other way around.

Long story short? I think you may be looking at a breaking up with your GF.

  • She might not want poly since she asked for monogamous agreements with you to begin with.
    • That points to "not compatible" if you want to poly.
    • You could end it now and set you both free.
    • Why agree to things you do not want and cannot follow through on? Don't agree next time. "Say 'No. I cannot promise you exclusive. I want to date more than one person."

  • The price of admission to "2nd chance with GF at mono" may be "Lose the Crush woman." That's just is what it is, dude. A 1:1 model means you and GF, not any other people in there. GF can state her price tag. You can choose to pay it or not.
  • The price of admission to "2nd chance with GF at poly" may be "Lose Crush woman." Even if GF decides she does want to try poly, she is not likely to want it with your prior cheating affair partner in the new poly network. GF can state her price tag. You can choose to pay it or not.

    In case in helps, if you plan to stay with the GF in whatever relationship shape: http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/



Sounds like Crush Woman floats your boat more than GF does. Since you don't really want monogamy? It seems kinder and more loving behavior to me to break up with GF and set her free. Sort that out FIRST. Do not keep her around like some kind of back up plan if Crush Woman decides it is not a runner. YOU are in charge of your choices and how you practice your ethics, not Crush woman.

Sort out GF and THEN deal with Crush woman. Present yourself as actually available to date. And give it some thought before you extend the offer to date Crush.

  • Does it bother you that she was willing to cheat with you?
  • How much do you trust her not to break new poly agreements with you? It isn't like poly is "cheat proof."
  • She runs hot/cold/hot/cold -- what's with the mixed messages?

Don't get so lost in new crush/new sex feelings and a sense of "urgency" or "anxiety" or "drama" that you lose sight of what is important: There's no actual fire here.

  • You could take your time.
  • You could fly truer to your values in your behavior so you aren't feeling yucky any more with identity crisis/hurt emotions.
  • You could assess this Crush as a potential partner with a more discerning eye.

You are worth dating properly -- not like some conference throw away swag.

Galagirl


Thank you. Helped a lot.
 
Glad my post earlier helped you some.

I'm sure everyone else on here would've have thought as much seeing as I gave praise to a reply that I suggest that I tell her what happened.

Actually, I was wondering the same thing. Not because I assumed you wouldn't tell her about the cheating, but because I don't like to assume anything at all. I prefer things articulated clear cut. The habit of not assuming things leads to asking clarifying questions for me. The habit of asking clarifying questions minimizes miscommunication in my life.

Glad you are going to come clean. I encourage you to ask for what you want in your relationships -- if you do not want monogamy, ask for non-exclusive. If you and GF are just not compatible, be ok letting it go. Not everyone you date will be a runner. That's ok. That's what dating is for. To sort out which ones are compatible. So sort this one out.

The truth is that I don't know how to be in anything serious and longer than a few months and that it scares me to try.

If you do not try, how are you supposed to know how? You learn by doing. Not from the air. If those are skills you want to cultivate, you will make the time the do so. If not, you don't.

Do you mean something else? Is it that you are you afraid of being left? So it's like "leave them before they leave me?"

I'm afraid that I'd get stuck after years. That one day feelings would dissolve and I'd have to still stick around.

Where are these beliefs coming from? Who is making you stuck? You are not a leaf blown about in the wind. You are the captain of your ship. You are in charge of your willingness to participate in things. If at some point in the future you want to break up because you are not willing to be there any more, you CAN.

It's not like you have to be sealed to someone for life.

Galagirl
 
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Update

Alright so I told her.

She didn't really anything about it but she just wanted to logically know what would make sense moving on. She is currently processing whether she wants to end it because that make sense or build from there moving on with our relationship because she can understand my reasoning and wants to possibly explore it fro happening again.
She tried asking if there was something she could've done to prevent it and I said no you shouldn't think about that at all.

At this moment I am thinking ok wow pretty understanding and I'd be fine with both scenarios and I'd be pretty happy with the option about building and exploring my faults and what not.

The only problem is that my friend and I are pretty close.(conference girl). She hasn't treated me like swag or anything negative, she's an awesome human being who has helped me heal through so much and with whom I share so much with and vice versa. We have an open communication about everything. She is the only person I know invested in my growth as a human being.

I had told my partner about that and she said thats fine because doesn't expect herself to be able to handle all that from me. I said it shouldn't be like that and I kind of said I'd want all that to be with her as opposed to going to (conference girl).

My issue and question now is....ok fine if current partner and I work on things....how can I make sure that feelings won't become too much for me for conference girl since the two of us are to remain as friends. Conversation about not touching will certainly take place but emotions are a different beast. I told my partner this but she didn't say anything about it.
I feel like i'd end up growing feelings for the both of them. Should I simply let the current partner go and make her decision easier as she contemplates? I do not want to cause more hurt. Also trying to be completely selfless.
 
Sorry

Congratulations on getting clarity. Are you going to tell her about the cheating as well?

I owe you an apology...galagirl showed to me that it was a genuine question and I have told her. This stuff is not my forte at all. I was being defensive because I felt exposed on the internet.
 
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if current partner and I work on things....how can I make sure that feelings won't become too much for me for conference girl since the two of us are to remain as friends. Conversation about not touching will certainly take place but emotions are a different beast.

The only things I can think of are

1) Make a plan for what to do if you DO get overwhelmed.

2) End it with Crush or with GF. Then no longer an issue because one of them is out of the picture.

3) Minimize contact with Crush until feelings run their course.

4) Put up with having feelings and do nothing about pursuing them with Crush.

You are the one in charge. Not your thoughts or your feelings. Sometimes thoughts and feelings can be wrong.

If I wake up scared at a shadow and conclude there's the burglar in the corner? I think there's a burglar and I feel scared. If I take a second look and see it is the tree outside shadow? I think I am actually safe, so I feel relieved. Thoughts and feelings are not always right at first pass.


I feel like i'd end up growing feelings for the both of them.

And this is terrible for you how? Are you not able to enjoy having feelings for both? Not able to exercise self control and keep your agreements? Just because you feel something doesn't mean you run off to do it right then. You can choose to feel something and not do anything about it.

Should I simply let the current partner go and make her decision easier as she contemplates?

If it would make YOUR decisions easier to contemplate if you let her go? End it with GF. Reduce your struggles.

I do not want to cause more hurt. Also trying to be completely selfless.

Being selfless is not balanced or admirable. It's throwing your needs under the bus in hopes someone else will appreciate that behavior.

In the spectrum of

selfish -- self full -- selfless

the ends are like the tilted see-saw places.

  • Selfish = mememememe! Ignore everyone else and make it all about me!
  • Selfless = themthemthem! Ignore my needs and make it all about them!

Neither is healthy. But they do tend to attract each other.

The balanced place in the middle is self full.

  • Self full: I tend to my own needs first, so I do not burn out or run dry. Then I am able to gift my help to others so they can meet their rational and reasonable needs.

I think you sound hot for Crush, and not so much with GF.

Though now maybe you are making yourself feel obligated to stay in order assuage you feeling guilty about the cheating.

I think that you actually don't have to do that. If what you want is to end it with her, end it. Apologizing for the cheating behavior and telling her you will try not to ever cheat again in your agreements makes it up enough. You don't have to go making new agreements with her.

I had told my partner about that and she said thats fine because doesn't expect herself to be able to handle all that from me. I said it shouldn't be like that and I kind of said I'd want all that to be with her as opposed to going to (conference girl).

To me that is a reason to end it with someone. End it with regrets because you wish they fit, but they don't fit. Not a match.

This doesn't sound like you and GF are deeply compatible to me. On top of --- you may not be compatible because she wants (monoamorous + monogamous) and you want poly. She's not sure she is (monoamorous and poly friendly) and she's not sure she wants to continue post cheating.

And if YOU don't really want to be with her rebuilding a new thing there because you feel more excited about being with Crush?
And you are telling yourself that you are afraid to be stuck in something you don't want? And you might make it easier for her to decide if you just bow out?

Why put energy there? :confused:

Don't replace the old "meh" thing with the GF by entering a NEW "meh" thing with the GF. That's cheating BOTH of you out of seeking and having a joyful thing next. Who wants to sign up for meh?

Own it, be decisive and just end it. Don't pussyfoot around with it driving yourself crazy. Again... be the captain of your own ship. Not this leaf blown about by the wind person.

If anything, it's a time to be decisive and clear cut so you minimize not just new hurts, but bring old hurts to an end point. Don't drag them out because you feel guilty or something.

Galagirl
 
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Making a plan is a great idea....

As for dropping crush, I don't want that because she isn't just a crush. She also happens to be a close friend of mine and a great support and life resource.

The only reason it may seem that I have more of the hots and feelings for crush is because her and I already have a connection while the GF and I haven't explored much and her primary focus has been the good times we have.
It's been hard to try and open that connection between us but that's something we can discuss ourselves and might be tangent to this conversation.

As for having feelings for both and both growing....if I am in a mono relationship, isn't that a form of cheating? continuing conversation for someone I have feelings for. I can certainly stop myself from acting on it in the future now that I know to expect it. I don't see physical touch as being the only form of intimate connection.
I find even opening up and holding such a safe space for conversation and etc to also be intimate.
This is new to me so I am just making sure that things wont get weird in the future.

as for the selfless thing....hmmm you are good at this. that's something I have to fix about myself and this may not be the place for that but working on myself seems a lot easier. I love the way you put it though. Self-full.


Thank you for all your help though....especially because you certainly have no real obligation to do this! I have learned so much.
 
Making a plan is a great idea....

As for having feelings for both and both growing....if I am in a mono relationship, isn't that a form of cheating? continuing conversation for someone I have feelings for. I can certainly stop myself from acting on it in the future now that I know to expect it. I don't see physical touch as being the only form of intimate connection.
I find even opening up and holding such a safe space for conversation and etc to also be intimate.

Whether it's cheating or not depends on your agreements with your GF. Have that conversation, and be specific. Never assume, so outright ask her what she expects, wants, what she considers "cheating," etc. Tell her your feelings on this, including what you consider "intimacy," both physical and emotional. Perhaps you are simply not compatible, or perhaps you are and there is compromise that can be reached.
 
Whether it's cheating or not depends on your agreements with your GF. Have that conversation, and be specific. Never assume, so outright ask her what she expects, wants, what she considers "cheating," etc. Tell her your feelings on this, including what you consider "intimacy," both physical and emotional. Perhaps you are simply not compatible, or perhaps you are and there is compromise that can be reached.

YES! this is great. I'll bring it up!
-thank you.

I wish I had realized how powerful the use of resources was in dating. Something I will certainly make use of for future issues and thoughts. It's funny because my lesson last year was learning that it was ok to accept help from others.

:)
 
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I agree with GreenAcres. Do NOT assume. Ever.

Calibrate what each of you means. Communicate and work on those listening skills.

  • "Ok. Let me repeat back what you said so I know I got it right..."
  • "Wait. When you say X, do you mean...?"


As for having feelings for both and both growing....if I am in a mono relationship, isn't that a form of cheating?

If you are in a mono relationship that calls that cheating? Then yes. It is cheating. I would suggest you NOT get into relationships like that if you don't call it cheating yourself.

If you are in a mono relationship that does not call that cheating? Then no. It is not cheating.

YOU decide what counts for you, and YOU seek a partner that is compatible with your beliefs. That's why it is important BEFORE you make any agreements, to understand and know what it is your are agreeing to. It's deep conversation, not a lightweight toss like

Person A: "Ok, so no cheating."
Person B: "Swell! No cheating."

And then later come to find that what person A believes is cheating is NOT THE SAME as person B. And mess happens because they didn't take the time to calibrate what they meant by the word "cheating." Both assumed the other person just believed the same as them.

I think for some people, a partner expressing something like "Look at that guy/girl by the popcorn machine. They are cute!" or "I am getting a crush on my grocery cashier. It's fun!" rattles their cage because they believe "If my partner really loved me, they wouldn’t have eyes for anyone but me."

Where I love my spouse very much, I am also human -- I'm going to admire beauty out in the world and it doesn't mean I want to jump their bones. I crush all the time. DH is usually amused. Where we place our agreement is "Talk to me first before pursuing." That is an agreement I can keep.

I cannot keep an agreement placed at "Have no feelings for people" -- I do not find that rational or reasonable for me. So if he suggested an agreement like THAT I would have to say "No. I cannot agree to that. I can do X instead."

And if that's a hard limit deal breaker for him, then we would have to break up. Not deeply compatible. Why drive each other crazy?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

might be worth reading.

I find even opening up and holding such a safe space for conversation and etc to also be intimate. This is new to me so I am just making sure that things wont get weird in the future.

To me it sounds like you are trying to sort out what you believe about love and relationships and better define them for yourself first.

The only reason it may seem that I have more of the hots and feelings for crush is because her and I already have a connection while the GF and I haven't explored much and her primary focus has been the good times we have.

I am confused. Explored much WHAT?

Do you mean something like...

"The primary focus in the (me + GF) relationship has been getting together for good times. We have not spent much time getting to know each other deeply."​

If so... why call her "GF" rather than "dating partner?" Why make agreements with a dating partner for (going steady/exclusively dating only her) when you don't know her that well?

I think you could work on being more self full. If you are trying to be "selfless" and do whatever the other guy wants, so they will like you, you end up short changing yourself or getting into things that later you struggle with.

I encourage you to keep sorting all this out.

Galagirl
 
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I agree with GreenAcres. Do NOT assume. Ever.

Calibrate what each of you means. Communicate and work on those listening skills.

  • "Ok. Let me repeat back what you said so I know I got it right..."
  • "Wait. When you say X, do you mean...?"




If you are in a mono relationship that calls that cheating? Then yes. It is cheating. I would suggest you NOT get into relationships like that if you don't call it cheating yourself.

If you are in a mono relationship that does not call that cheating? Then no. It is not cheating.

YOU decide what counts for you, and YOU seek a partner that is compatible with your beliefs. That's why it is important BEFORE you make an agreements, to understand and know what it is your are agreeing to. It's deep conversation, not a lightweight toss like

Person A: "Ok, so no cheating."
Person B: "Swell! No cheating."

And then later come to find that what person A believes is cheating is NOT THE SAME as person B. And mess happens because they didn't take the time to calibrate what they meant by the word "cheating." Both assumed the other person just believed the same as them.

I think for some people, a partner expressing something like "Look at that guy/girl by the popcorn machine. They are cute!" or "I am getting a crush on my grocery cashier. It's fun!" rattles their cage because they believe "If my partner really loved me, they wouldn’t have eyes for anyone but me."

Where I love my spouse very much, I am also human -- I'm going to admire beauty out in the world and it doesn't mean I want to jump their bones. I crush all the time. DH is usually amused. Where we place our agreement is "Talk to me first before pursuing." That is an agreement I can keep.

I cannot keep an agreement placed at "Have no feelings for people" -- I do not find that rational or reasonable for me. So if he suggested an agreement like THAT I would have to say "No. I cannot agree to that. I can do X instead."

And if that's a hard limit deal breaker for him, then we would have to break up. Not deeply compatible. Why drive each other crazy?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

might be worth reading.



To me it sounds like you are trying to sort out what you believe about love and relationships and better define them for yourself first.



I am confused. Explored much WHAT?

Do you mean something like...

"The primary focus in the (me + GF) relationship has been getting together for good times. We have not spent much time getting to know each other deeply."​

If so... why call her "GF" rather than "dating partner?" Why make agreements with a dating partner for (going steady/exclusively dating only her) when you don't know her that well?

I think you could work on being more self full. If you are trying to be "selfless" and do whatever the other guy wants, so they will like you, you end up short changing yourself or getting into things that later you struggle with.

I encourage you to keep sorting all this out.

Galagirl


I have no idea how to quote only certain parts of what you have been writing like you did with me.

What you said on deal breaker is important and I am working on knowing myself enough in relationships to know what my terms of agreements would be but I am learning. thanks

I am confused. Explored much WHAT?

we are always having conversations such as this one. Or how to foster our growth as healed people. How to overcome our past, how to build ourselves up and to love ourselves more and etc.
Why we make certain choices on things, how it benefits our growth and the list really goes on.

If so... why call her "GF" rather than "dating partner?" Why make agreements with a dating partner for (going steady/exclusively dating only her) when you don't know her that well?
Well because I thought you date someone in order to grow those connections and that they come soon enough. I thought that we would eventually know each other well enough. I thought because it has only been 2 months that there was still time?



I am writing the quote brackets out like html...no idea how it will look after I click on submit...hope it worked!
 
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I have no idea how to quote only certain parts of what you have been writing like you did with me.

Sounds like you figured it out.

You manually enclose the text with

(QUOTE)The sentence I am quoting (/QUOTE)​

but change the parenthesis () to square brackets []

we are always having conversations such as this one. Or how to foster our growth as healed people. How to overcome our past, how to build ourselves up and to love ourselves more and etc.
Why we make certain choices on things, how it benefits our growth and the list really goes on.

Who is WE? You and Crush? Or you and GF? You know who and what you are talking about, but as a stranger looking from the outside in, it's hard to keep up. Sorry.

Are you saying... you have those kinds of conversations with Crush. And you want to have them with GF now?

Well because I thought you date someone in order to grow those connections and that they come soon enough. I thought that we would eventually know each other well enough. I thought because it has only been 2 months that there was still time?

That just goes to show how calibrating matters.

To me? Someone I dated for 2 months? I would not call them my "BF" or "GF." It isn't someone who is a regular/frequent companion to me for a significant amount of time yet. That would be too soon to me. I would not be making any agreements to Close and not date anyone else at that point in time either. That would REALLY be jumping the gun to me.

Everyone is different.

Now that you know you don't want monogamy and you want poly instead? I suggest you don't agree to enter a new Closed Monogamous thing.

Galagirl
 
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