nycindie
Active member
It is??? Really?In the mono dating world, just saying, "I'm not looking for anything exclusive" or "I'm happy just dating multiple people casually for now" is effectively saying, "hey, don't take what we're doing too seriously! This is just for fun and could end at any moment!"
Hmm, I was monogamous (and really, really into the escalator) for the majority of my life and, for me, saying "I'm not looking for anything exclusive right now" NEVER meant "this can't ever be serious and could end at any moment." Wow, you caught me by surprise because in my personal logic system, I wouldn't even have thought it could be construed that way.
Whenever I've said to someone, "I'm not looking for anything exclusive right now" what I always meant was this: "I'm not ready to make an exclusive commitment right now, so let's see how things go." It meant I was hopeful that it would go somewhere "serious", was looking forward to the possibility that it would, but just not ready to let go of the option to date other people until I was sure that it was going somewhere. I would still put every effort into it that I could (and most of the time, if a guy was competitive, it would give him something to try for, you know - win me over, to get us to that point of exclusivity). It was always part of an invitation, of sorts, to "let's see where this takes us." That statement would NEVER, EVER have been meant to give the message that the person would be dropped like a hot potato at my whim because it must only be casual!
To me, there isn't a whole lot of implied subtext underneath a rather direct statement like "I am not ready to be exclusive YET," if I say what I mean and mean what I say. We cannot be responsible for how others may interpret our words. However, if I wanted to be clear that a relationship or liaison would never be "serious" (as in, committed to exclusivity or poly-fidelity), I would say, "This can never be serious." Yes, I would actually say exactly what I mean.
Even in monogamy, there is a period of getting to know someone. Nobody in their right mind jumps into declaring exclusivity with someone on their first date. It is generally understood that the desire or proclamation that people will be exclusive with each other is a REALLY BIG DEAL, and a sign that there has been a shift in the relationship, or a step taken toward that escalator. Why would polyamory be any different, in having a non-committal getting-to-know-you phase where you wouldn't expect poly-fidelity and it's okay to date other people? And that period can be as long as you like.But... How do you communicate that in poly situations, where dating multiple people doesn't preclude serious commitments???
It's like... what some of us like to say to the unicorn hunters that are looking for a "third" to move in with them right away, so that presto-change-o, they're in a triad: "Did you move in with your spouse/partner immediately upon meeting them?" No? Why not? Usually because there was a courtship phase. I will never understand why so many people think that poly is only about having multiple love relationships, while somehow not taking the time and effort to nurture and develop multiple love relationships. It takes a while to get there. "To go far, start where you are." And not everyone does poly well or handles being a hinge well or is compatible, so... ya keep dating options open until ya know.
Well, the only way I can think of that you would communicate what you wrote above is... to tell them what you wrote above. Are you thinking that it's not nice to be that direct? You're very clear about what you want, so why not say what you want? I mean, the basics of what you've said here is pretty much what I say in my profile on OKC. "I am looking for X, not looking for Y, will not put up with Z." Boom, done. You can actually tell people what you want! If they hear you, grasp it, and then choose either to be all in, or walk away, that's on them.. . . what I want right now is to chat with dudes on okc, meet them for dates, flirt, sleep with as many or as few as I'd like, and not have to answer to anybody about it. (Except Andy, obviously, but he cares how much time *he* gets, not how I divide the time I don't spend with him. Three dates a week with the same guy or three dates in one week with three different guys, same to him.)
What I *don't* want is anybody feeling like they have a claim to X amount of my time, or a say in who else I date, or presumed ongoing sexual consent ( I don't want having had sex a couple of times to automatically mean we will have sex again). Basically, I want very casual dating, until and unless I meet someone who blows my mind and makes me want more. I don't just want to automatically escalate to the "more" just because it's been a few months of dating.
And I'm not sure how to communicate that in a world where dating multiple people still leaves room for expectations of "more than casual".
The only way people get hurt, including yourself, is by 1.) not speaking your truth because you think it's more polite/attractive/acceptable to say something "nicer" or less direct, and 2.) by hiding behind the fear that wanting what you want means you're bad or slutty, thereby living a life that expresses less than who you are.I don't want to hurt people. And I know I did, when Andy and I first opened up, and I dated with the expectation that nobody could expect anything of me because married. Dag was a true Game Changer in his way, it was the first time I saw that non monogamy could mean multiple "real" relationships. So I'm gun shy now, about getting hurt myself, but also about hurting others.
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