I am going to assume that at this point in time you are on board. You are willing to go there. That this is about becoming more ABLE in skills to pull it off.
(If you are not actually willing to polyship? You are going against your grain? Not really into it? COULD STOP PARTICIPATING IN THIS. SAY NO. )
I am sorry you struggle. I am not surprised you feel confused though. Mixed messages like this do not contribute to "stability" for you:
"She also told me that If I was really adamant about them not being together she wouldn't have given up her marriage over this and they would have ended it"
So one the one hand, this is her making deliberate, conscious choices so you can feel emotionally safe with her as the new hinge. (But how "adamant" do you have to be in voicing concerns before she hears you over her own desires? SCREAMING? How safe can you feel with a hinge like that? "I would have stopped if you REALLY were hurting lots, but if you only hurt a little I'll just ignore it?)
"It also hurts when she tells me the story about them having feelings for each other and they tried to resist it, but couldn't and realized this was the only for things to work."
On the other hand,
nobody is in charge of themselves. Some "destiny" thing is going on. She is not choosing deliberately or consciously. So you can feel emotionally unsafe with her as the new hinge. (And things to work for WHO? Just them? Are you not being considered?)
My head would be going "Huh? Say what?!" with that weird kind of communication.
It might feel cozy to her to tell all this gushing stuff with you, but you probably do not love hearing things that imply "nobody is in charge here!" or "my hinge is not solid!" You could ask her if she is aware of how that de-stabilizing that sounds to you.
To be honest, to me she sounds NRE la-las. Which is a reason, but not excuse for poor behavior.
You sound at risk for entering
poly hell or already in it.
You are allowed to say "Look, I would like to get to the point where we can share X amount freely. But at this time in order to feel stable during changes? I would like to start with sharing less and ramping it up over the next few months. Going from 0 news coming down that pipeline to 100% blast coming down that pipeline is not giving me time to adjust. You are giving me more info than I can digest at one time. Could you be willing to talk to me about information management?"
Then talk about HOW that information management will look like at this time, and how it looks later. Divide the "NEED to know now" from "WANT to know eventually."
- The stuff you NEED to know now is safer sex practices, calendars -- the stuff that directly can affect you in daily/weekly living. That comes first.
- The stuff you might WANT to know eventually? Like details or stories -- that's not critical to know right this minute. It can wait till later and come online more slowly. Include him in the conversations. What stuff can "cross over" and what stuff "stops at the hinge."
Hearing details does not seem to bring on an idea of "stable" for you -- which I think you might want more of at this time. There's a certain amount of weird because the "old normal" is not it any more and the "new normal" isn't firmly established yet.
But hinge wife adding to the wobble by overloading you with data? That's not especially kind behavior out of a hinge. Her pleasure in TELLING doesn't override your need to HEAR at a pace you can deal in.
You could suggest she keep a journal. Tell you whatever in it, and then you could read it when you are ready to take new data on board. That way she gets to
tell all she wants, but you can postpone
hearing it til you are on surer footing. Less... "whooshy" stuff.
You are all on dealing with
stages of change. Only they are on track A and you are on track B. For them it's positive change -- they are on this new exploring thing. Loss of stability is compensated by that exploring thing.
For you it is negative change -- you have lost stability. Compensation is what? Dealing with whooshy gushy stuff from wife?
They also have had more time than you to playground the "them as a couple" and what a "V" might be like than you have.
It is challenging, but it doesn't have to be doom. You guys can get through transitional time ok if you pace yourselves and respect that each person is at a different point in their process. As the hinge she will deal in things the V-arm people will not. And vice-versa.
You? You could get ok asking her to dial the la-las down a little bit around you for the first few months to let you get your bearings. Not overload you with data. That doesn't mean you don't wish her and him well on that side of the V. It just means YOU need some digestion time/space for yourself.
Sloppy hinge leaking data all over the place -- that can get off putting. She might mean well in wanting to be full transparent, not hide anything, and be totally honest. But honesty can come with a modicum of tact. "Whooshy" stuff isn't cool.
Talk and get clear on what "new normal" you guys are trying to aim for. Make sure all three agree that's the goal.
Talk and get clear on what is TMI right now, and what is just right, and how "ramping it up" can look for you guys over time.
Talking about jealousy management might help too.
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
You might want to look at the worksheets here to help with the sex conversation too.
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
Hang in there!
Galagirl