What to do when your'e dating both of them & then they break up

Newtothegame

New member
Long story short (sorry it is long) (& i feel theres so many little details but i want to get straight to the point) i met a woman online she wanted to find a girl for her & her husband. The 1st time i went to see them being a nurse she got called to work before i got there. She wasn't able to get any1 to relieve her so she was there all day. So it was just me & him she gave permission & seemed excited for him & I to have sex. Fast forward I'm texting her (we still haven't met) she mentions she's out of town but specifically asks if i'll go hang out with her husband. I go see him to my surprise i find out they also live with & he's also "with" the mother of 2 of his kids. Long story short this was a couple weeks ago i hadn't spoken to any of them since this visit i reached out to her about 3 times i was beginning to feel rejected & as if i had did something wrong. I finally speak to him today he explains they have broken up, not only him & his wife but him & his kids mom. I am happy that he had the courtesy to respond back to me but understand its a stressful time. I ask him if i should reach out to the wife again he says no because she is not herself right now. He is hopeful that they'll work things out but for now things are not good. He says the 2 women had an issue with each other & could not come to an agreement he does not give any further detail on what caused the break up. He stills wants to talk to & hook up with me. My dilemma is i really liked & am still hopeful about meeting the wife & am not sure if she'd be ok with me & him still seeing each other I don't want to offend her i also feel like i technically knew her first but I've actually spent time in person with him & he actually wrote me back, I've been reaching out to her for the past 2 weeks with no response. I don't feel like i should punish him & he & I have good chemistry. And i have no idea if me & her will ever speak again. But i just don't know how she would feel about this...should I even care? I definitely want to give her her space but also want to eventually reach out & let her know I'm here for her & miss talking to her. And I'm only hearing his side of the story, i mean what if he did something terrible to cause the break up? (One of my friends said what if she doesn't even exist lol smh)...What do I do?
 
Hi Newtothegame,

Since you have been trying to contact this man's wife and she is not answering you, she is not taking up on the chance to tell you not to date her husband, therefore it's reasonable for you to date him, if you still want to. You don't know him too well yet so I would hold the line at casual dating for awhile. Just try to get to know him. If he wants to date right now, that is. He may need some time to decompress. You'll have to ask him.

Hope this helps -- and please keep us posted.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks so much for replying,

I agree with she can't really be mad if she hasn't been in touch or told me whats going on. But I almost feel I have to refer to "girl code" but I don't think that goes in bisexual or lesbian dating the way it would with a plutonic girl friend. I also agree that it probably shouldn't be anything physical with him right now. I'll be sure to keep you updated.
 
So, you went and had sex with a guy whom you hadn't ever met before, after being contacted by his gf, whom you never met and only chatted with online. Honey, doing these kinds of things could get you killed. Thankfully, you made it out alive.

Then, apparently this chick contacts you and arranges for you to go have sex with him again (which it sounds like you did), and you find out he lives with another woman. Okay... now he says he broke up with both women, and he doesn't want you to contact either of them. And you are wondering how to keep fucking him without offending the gf, and want contact with the gf again.

I don't think the "girlfriend" ever existed. It was him. And I think he's just done with you now. I hope you practiced safer sex. Please use better discretion in the future - meet in public places, get test results beforehand, have friends know where you are, etc.

Now, if there was anything you did without protection, go get tested!
 
Well first off I think your tone is rude & very judgemental. Second how is he done with me if he still wants to talk to me. I clearly said he's still interested. I have spoken to the girlfriend on the phone & I have seen several pictures of him & her together. I don't discredit that he could have been pretending to be her. But I was under the impression that I came here for advice from a community of people that would understand, not to be yelled at & basically called stupid. But thanks.
 
I didn't yell or call you stupid. I was not rude, just matter-of-fact. Don't add extra meaning to my words. However, you must admit that going to a stranger's home for sex was not the smartest thing in the world to do. And no, you did not use much discretion, and that is a fact for anyone who would go to the home of someone they never met before to have sex with them. That is how some serial killers have murdered their victims. Pardon me for being concerned for your safety, since you obviously are not. Come on, now. What you did was not "dating." Maybe you should charge them for sex and at least have someone looking out for you to make sure you are safe. I still think you should get tested if there was anything risky you did.

You didn't say in your first post that you actually spoke to the girlfriend - but that could've been anyone. I think if he wanted to see you, he would just arrange it. I think also that your concerns are quite misplaced. If there was indeed a gf, and they broke up and wants to see you, then what is the worry you are having over the gf?

I am a Moderator here. This is a board for polyamory. Have you read the Guidelines? Do you know that polyamory is about having multiple, loving relationships? Posting about anonymous hook-ups has nothing to do with polyamory.
 
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Id say back off. This whole situation seems super suspicious and I personally would be annoyed that I had sex with someone and don't hear from the guy in 2 weeks.
 
Id say back off. This whole situation seems super suspicious and I personally would be annoyed that I had sex with someone and don't hear from the guy in 2 weeks.

Maybe I'm missing something. I think she didn't hear from the _girlfriend_ for 2 weeks. Not the guy. So I wouldn't be judging him on _that_ account.

I don't have much experience this arena, but the casual dating if he's up for it seems the way to go right now. and definitely getting tested if it's warranted.

FAL

--------------------------------

M - Me - Mandelbrot - female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 57 - my husband for over 35 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 59 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture last fall after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him; tentatively diagnosed with dementia
Artemis (previously A) - 66? - Jacques' wife of over 32 years
 
Maybe I'm missing something. I think she didn't hear from the _girlfriend_ for 2 weeks. Not the guy. So I wouldn't be judging him on _that_ account.

I don't have much experience this arena, but the casual dating if he's up for it seems the way to go right now. and definitely getting tested if it's warranted.

FAL



--------------------------------

M - Me - Mandelbrot - female, 59 - _trying_ to figure out if I'm poly
Clyde (previously B) - 57 - my husband for over 35 years
Jacques (previously JP) - 59 - my high school boyfriend, newly appeared in the picture last fall after 38 years; very long distance; haven't actually seen him; tentatively diagnosed with dementia
Artemis (previously A) - 66? - Jacques' wife of over 32 years

No she said that she hadn't heard from ANY of then, which includes the guy
 
Re (from OP):
"Long story short this was a couple weeks ago, I hadn't spoken to any of them since this visit."

Is this the statement we're talking about? If so, it gives the impression that radio silence was maintained for a couple of weeks by all involved including Newtothegame. And I can't see any other statements to go by (except one or two that say Newtothegame tried to contact her); help me out if I'm missing something.
 
This reminds me of something that I went through recently. I was talking to a man online, we seemed compatible on many levels, especially in that we are both very recently separated from our spouses. The first night he and I met (in a restaurant) we made out and fooled around on the beach a little afterwards. We were supposed to get together later that week, but when the day came, he flaked, hard. When I asked what time we'd meet, he said he'd "text me later that night" then silence.

I wondered what I did wrong, worried if I wasn't pretty enough, all that, and I was upset for, like, a day before reality kicked in-- I really didn't know him, we were not in a relationship, it is entirely possible it wasn't anything about me, and he just wasn't ready for a new lover in his life. I was responding to my own feelings of rejection; it had nothing to do with me liking him, after all, I hardly knew him.

Five days later, he contacted me. Apparently, he and his wife had discussed reuniting (they were monogamous) and he was giving it a chance. It had nothing to do with me or if he liked me.

My advice is to let it go, the guy, the invisible girlfriend, all of it. You really haven't spent that much time with him, though I understand you liked what you've seen so far. If his story is on the up-and-up (Have you Google-searched him? Knowledge is power) his silence may have nothing to do with you. I would hope he's mourning the loss of his two relationships and processing, and he'll call you when he's done if there was anything real between you.

You've never even met the girlfriend, so that's a minor loss. It all sounds a bit sketchy, a woman asking another woman to have sex with her man who lives with a third woman. I wonder what were you hoping to get out of this? Was this supposed to be the start of a relationship between the three of you, or was it just meant to be a hook up but you ended up really liking him?

Either way, I say just let it go.
 
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You've never even met the girlfriend, so that's a minor loss. It all sounds a bit sketchy, a woman asking another woman to have sex with her man who lives with a third woman. I wonder what were you hoping to get out of this? Was this supposed to be the start of a relationship between the three of you, or was it just meant to be a hook up but you ended up really liking him?

Either way, I say just let it go.

I really agree. I think honestly you were being used as a convenient sex toy; some couples are into that. There's even a name for the female version of cuckolding, but I can't recall what it is. None of this sounds like a respectful treatment of you as a person, nor the good beginning of a loving relationship.

I'm not saying it can't, but there are a lot of red flags here, and you should proceed with caution... if at all.
 
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