nycindie
Active member
This has been an interesting thread for me to read. As someone who prefers to involve myself in relationships where everyone behaves like adults, I see Rules as unnecessary in any relationship. If you get involved with people whom you cannot trust to act honorably and respectfully, no Rule is going to suddenly change them into honorable and respectful people.
Personal boundaries, however, are crucial. Instead of laying down the law about how a partner should behave -- which is, essentially, telling them to conduct his or her own life according to your standards and not their own -- I think it is much more valuable to develop one's own personal boundaries surrounding things that make one feel safe, valued, heard, and respected.
The difference between making rules for someone else to follow and developing your own boundaries is huge. You can only control your own responses to life, you can't control other people. So, instead of saying "You must check in with me before fucking someone else" (a Rule for a partner to abide by), what about saying "I won't tolerate dishonesty and cheating" (a personal boundary). Then, you make sure you get involved with people you can trust. You let your boundaries be known, but do not decree rules. Rather, you get involved with people who take responsibility for their actions, whom you can trust to be respectful, and you accept that they will live their lives as they see fit. If they know what you need to feel safe, loved, respected, etc., and they have any compassion or sense of doing what is right for the people they love, they will take care of you. But penning them into a set of rules will only create a situation where they will feel a need to rebel - because most human beings need to feel that they are making their own choices in life as an individual. I feel that people need to respect a partner's autonomy in order for relationships to work well.
Personal boundaries, however, are crucial. Instead of laying down the law about how a partner should behave -- which is, essentially, telling them to conduct his or her own life according to your standards and not their own -- I think it is much more valuable to develop one's own personal boundaries surrounding things that make one feel safe, valued, heard, and respected.
The difference between making rules for someone else to follow and developing your own boundaries is huge. You can only control your own responses to life, you can't control other people. So, instead of saying "You must check in with me before fucking someone else" (a Rule for a partner to abide by), what about saying "I won't tolerate dishonesty and cheating" (a personal boundary). Then, you make sure you get involved with people you can trust. You let your boundaries be known, but do not decree rules. Rather, you get involved with people who take responsibility for their actions, whom you can trust to be respectful, and you accept that they will live their lives as they see fit. If they know what you need to feel safe, loved, respected, etc., and they have any compassion or sense of doing what is right for the people they love, they will take care of you. But penning them into a set of rules will only create a situation where they will feel a need to rebel - because most human beings need to feel that they are making their own choices in life as an individual. I feel that people need to respect a partner's autonomy in order for relationships to work well.