I'm still of the opinion that there's a HUGE difference between the "cry it out" that's so commonly presented as The Hateful Bogeyman -- 'oh, just lock the kid in his room until he learns to shut up" -- & the absence of 24/7 helicoptering. Hereabouts, it looks like anything NOT the latter is immediately typified as the former.
With our firstborn, Inanna, Anne had a month off of work available (yay, white-collar job), & she was heavily into the "attachment parenting" stuff. Me, as much as I loved learning to be a Dad, I still had to be up by 5:20 a.m. to get to work, many Saturdays too, so I'd often go sleep on the couch.
But even Anne started to burn out after a couple months of this. I'd encourage her to put Inanna in her crib for a nap break, but leave the door open so she could see Mommy; Anne could return from time to time, sorting laundry, saying some gentle words, patting Inanna's head. Anne was reluctant as she felt this was "teasing" the kid, putting Mommy out of reach & unwilling to fully respond; I said it was the opposite, making clear that Mommy didn't simply cease to exist.
Sure, the kid would sometimes "cry herself to sleep" & actually NAP, but it wasn't as though she was in a dark box.
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That's another thing. With our two, Anne was always amazed at my accuracy rate for predicting the reason for crying. My siblings are about my age, I didn't do sitting, & babies weren't common in my extended family.
Mom taught me. From an early age, she worked in retail & restaurants, & of course had her own three to deal with, & she learned.
As much as I picked up, the most important lesson was that
most alleged parents have ZERO idea their baby is communicating at all -- much less as to CONTENT.
I started teaching Anne early in that first pregnancy. We were at a sit-down restaurant; there was a young family (2 + 1) a few tables away. The couple seemed happy, the baby scowled bug-eyed at the forkfuls of dessert they were eating.
I stopped talking to Anne when I heard the kid "pumping up" -- hyperventilating -- because he wasn't getting any cheesecake. This repeated, adding a few sniffles & & some grunts. Then I heard the "wooooehh..." warning trail off. I held up my hand & did a "3 - 2 - 1" countdown, pointed to the kid just as he launched into an "I've cut my hand off" shriek/wail. No tears, mind, & still that bug-eyed scowl.
As soon as his mother held up an over-generous mound of dessert, the kid was
immediately silent, eyes now looking like those of any Dew-toxic gamer.
There's crying for need, there's crying for want, there's crying for control. I generally didn't take long before I could tell friends what their baby was trying to get across: wet, poopy, tired, hungry, thirsty, bored, restless, curious, angry, manipulatin, & so on. I guess I've always believed that
anyone could manage this.
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And toddlers are another thing. If I heard a thump in the next room, rather than rush in & scare the bejeezus out of Inanna, I'd move more calmly, & ASK the kid if she was okay, probably speaking all the way, before I came into view.
If I slowed down but kept up the patter, she'd generally walk up to me. Sometimes with a fresh bruise, sometimes looking puzzled because some experiment had gone awry, sometimes looking exasperated because she'd stumbled & felt a bit silly.
That is, she knew that SHE could easily find ME, & get plenty of support, yet not always need to "be rescued."
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Hm. That raises an interesting question. Why do some Mommys think it's so necessary for the baby to maintain
visual reference on its mother? What do you mean "visual"?
At birth, visual structures are fully present yet immature in their potentials. From the first moment of life, there are a few innate components of an infant's visual system. Newborns can detect changes in brightness, distinguish between stationary and kinetic objects, as well as follow kinetic objects in their visual fields. However, many of these areas are very poorly developed.
I encouraged Anne to not get carried away with washing, & to lay off odorants (perfume, oils, antiperspirants, even scented soap) so Inanna could improve olfactory tracking.
And there's sound as well. Firstly, I've never understood the "keep everything perfectly silent so Baby can nap!" gimmick, because it doesn't work. If Inanna fell asleep in silence, she'd startle awake when the neighbor across the stret came home & slammed his car door... but if I'd been playing (say) a Rolling Stones CD at moderate volume, she'd have slept through a SWAT raid.
But, back to Mommy. I encouraged Anne to put something on the stereo (not overly raucous) turned down low, & also whether relaxing on the sofa or being busy around the house to sing, or at least talk: telling stories & describing hopes to Inanna, even if the kid was out of earshot.
Overall, my intent was to make Anne as
continuous as possible in Inanna's life, so the kid would have little reason to believe that Anne simply pouffed in/out of existence.
(Bonus points to anyone who knows where we swiped "continuous" from.
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