SlowPoly
Active member
I hesitate to come in and say poly seems to work well for my kids. I just don't think it has much to do with poly, but with conscious parenting choices and our own disinclination to constantly be auditioning new partners.
The kids always have a parent (me or Woof) at home or nearby, and the ability to contact the other. So there's no neglect. We spend more time with our kids than most parents I know. For better or for worse.
The idea of poly doesn't shatter some paradigm they had previously taken as Truth. They know (generally, and from specific examples among our oldest friends) that people sometimes have more than one partner at any level of commitment. They know I have Mitch. It all seems like a yawn to them. Just like LGBT issues and religion. They know about bisexuality and transgenderism (because it's important to us that they know these are okay in them and others). They have gay friends. They might know that Woof and I identify as bisexual, because we've never hidden it -- I honestly can't remember if it's come up with all three of them. Woof and I are atheists, and the kids are whatever they want to be, and they know that spirituality is something almost everyone seems to have their own unique view on. It's not a disturbance in their force to encounter polyamory any more than these other variations in human experience. Importantly, we have never asked them to lie about our relationships (or orientation, or religion) to anyone. They've shared with friends, and their world didn't end. Yawn.
There's no extra partner drama (breaking up or fighting or whatever) because we choose partners carefully (and rarely). We've had friends from far away stay with us, but never as partners or potential family members. If there's no reason to bring someone home, we don't create a reason by saying they have to meet the kids toward becoming a big, happy, poly family someday -- we just wouldn't force things that way.
I can see how other models of poly would introduce drama, or make the parents less available to the kids. But I see the same thing in mono relationships where there is conflict between spouses, or time conflicts because of careers or hobbies.
We aren't perfect parents, and we aren't the best. But we are providing a supportive environment for the kids to grow in, and we are present and responsive to their needs. We are parenting with our ideals in mind, and being poly just has very little to do with that, except in that it meshes well with our overarching philosophy of how to live.
The kids always have a parent (me or Woof) at home or nearby, and the ability to contact the other. So there's no neglect. We spend more time with our kids than most parents I know. For better or for worse.
The idea of poly doesn't shatter some paradigm they had previously taken as Truth. They know (generally, and from specific examples among our oldest friends) that people sometimes have more than one partner at any level of commitment. They know I have Mitch. It all seems like a yawn to them. Just like LGBT issues and religion. They know about bisexuality and transgenderism (because it's important to us that they know these are okay in them and others). They have gay friends. They might know that Woof and I identify as bisexual, because we've never hidden it -- I honestly can't remember if it's come up with all three of them. Woof and I are atheists, and the kids are whatever they want to be, and they know that spirituality is something almost everyone seems to have their own unique view on. It's not a disturbance in their force to encounter polyamory any more than these other variations in human experience. Importantly, we have never asked them to lie about our relationships (or orientation, or religion) to anyone. They've shared with friends, and their world didn't end. Yawn.
There's no extra partner drama (breaking up or fighting or whatever) because we choose partners carefully (and rarely). We've had friends from far away stay with us, but never as partners or potential family members. If there's no reason to bring someone home, we don't create a reason by saying they have to meet the kids toward becoming a big, happy, poly family someday -- we just wouldn't force things that way.
I can see how other models of poly would introduce drama, or make the parents less available to the kids. But I see the same thing in mono relationships where there is conflict between spouses, or time conflicts because of careers or hobbies.
We aren't perfect parents, and we aren't the best. But we are providing a supportive environment for the kids to grow in, and we are present and responsive to their needs. We are parenting with our ideals in mind, and being poly just has very little to do with that, except in that it meshes well with our overarching philosophy of how to live.