New poly-relationship has me in crisis!

I'm just so scared despite all the reassurances and intimacy lately and reminders of I love you, that she is going to pull away from me. And once they have sex things are going to change. Ahh I'm so messed up.
 
One breath at a time my friend. Other poly units (such as MFM V's) have been sharing sex for years and are doing just fine. On the other hand, we can never know what tragedies may befall our lives, even if we are monogamous. Life is always a risk. It is best if we keep as cool of a head as we can about us.

Re (from Danielsen):
"I fear the worst right now but someone told me it's because I'm picking up on the fact that my wife and her boyfriend are going through new relationship emotions. They are intense right now. Does this make sense that I could be picking up on their intensity?"

Oh, I'm certain there is NRE going on there and you could very easily be picking up on it. Your wife is probably having a heck of a time trying to rein it in. I presume of course that she's trying.
 
I know you and I are on opposite sides of this being that I am the husband, I could use some advice on how to deal with the image of my wife having sex with another man. It plays in my head and I know they want it. It hasn't yet happened but I think about it all the time and it tries me up in knots.
 
I had a wife once upon a time ago ... many years before I had ever heard about polyamory or considered the idea ... and I also had a friend I'd hung out with since way back in grade school. This friend had much trouble interacting with women; my wife was the only woman I knew that my friend could interact with comfortably.

I felt sympathetic toward my friend and thought about how lonely he must be. I asked myself if, hypothetically, if my wife were willing, if I would be willing to "share" her with my friend (as his wife as well as mine). I surprised myself by how quickly and easily I knew that my answer was yes.

Every situation is unique, and every person is unique. You may or may not be able to do this poly thing. Maybe it partly depends on how much of a friend the other man is to you. I don't know.

If your sole concern is that your wife would like the other man better, and consequently kick you to the curb, there's no way to really know if that's what would happen except to let this thing play out. Only you can decide if you want to take that risk.

If you don't, your only options are to

  • insist that your wife break up with him,
  • divorce your wife if she refuses.
Because if she keeps going out with him, her desire to get sexually involved with him will only get stronger. Something will have to give at some point.

Polyamory can be a wonderful and rewarding way of life, with much love of all kinds to go around. If you take a chance on polyamory, you may be extraordinarly glad that you did. But can I guarantee that ... no, alas, I cannot.
 
The ironic thing is that I have no reason to believe any of my fears will come to pass. My wife loves me and apparently blabs this to her boyfriend who is also a good friend of mine. We three all get along and that is why my wife says this can work for us. The other night my wifes boyfriend and I took a drive because I saw having insecurity issues and he helped me through some of those that is the kind of guy he is. I'm just my own worst enemy. You say polyamory can benefit all parties including me? Could you remind me why this benefits me again. They're the ones experiencing something new and exciting and potentially marriage damaging.
 
The ironic thing is that I have no reason to believe any of my fears will come to pass. My wife loves me and apparently blabs this to her boyfriend who is also a good friend of mine. We three all get along and that is why my wife says this can work for us. The other night my wifes boyfriend and I took a drive because I saw having insecurity issues and he helped me through some of those that is the kind of guy he is. I'm just my own worst enemy. You say polyamory can benefit all parties including me? Could you remind me why this benefits me again. They're the ones experiencing something new and exciting and potentially marriage damaging.

Well you have the choice to date others. In my situation Nate has fun having sex with other women but he also gets much needed alone time when I take the kids to Sam's house 2 nights a week. Sam enjoys similar independence, he's come to find that he likes having a girlfriend that isn't with him all the time.
 
Heh ... the possible benefits will vary, but in some cases ... bromance? :)

We've talked about NRE (New Relationship Energy), we should also talk about RRE (Renewed Relationship Energy). RRE is when your wife is "energized" by the new relationship in such a way that some of the NRE "spills over" into your relationship with your wife. So there's another possible benefit.

You mentioned how the other guy is a friend to you and treats you good. If he is involved in your life, he can be like an ally who's got your back. Another potential benefit.

I would hope that your wife would be okay with it if you decided you wanted to go out and seek someone new that you could date. If so, that would be another benefit.

An MFM V can be a tightly-knit group. Mine is. It gives me a feeling of security to know I have two, not just one, person who has dedicated themselves to my well-being. We have a lot of fun together. We enjoy life together.

You may say, "But since two men are sharing one woman, each man only gets 'half a woman,' mathematically speaking." Mind you she loves both of us 100%, but she can only allocate 50% of her time and energy to each of us.

Which sounds like a drawback, but I personally actually like it even better that way. I'm quite a introvert and greatly enjoy my "me time." I get to do more of the stuff I like to do, stuff I can basically only do by myself anyways. So, depending on how much like me you are, you could even think of that as a benefit.

Am I saying everything about polyamory is beneficial (especially to the spouse in your position)? No. Monogamy is a special type of relationship and you have to sacrifice it in order to engage in polyamory. Polyamory can be difficult in the first few years. It can take time for everyone to get sufficiently used to each other to start enjoying the benefits. There is hurt and heartache to be endured while you're all learning how to live in each other's lives. And like you said there's a risk to your marriage.

But you said it yourself: Your fears about the loss of your marriage are probably unfounded. Pure fear is something you can pass through, with courage and endurance. Like a storm, it floods you with rain and lightning but then, in due time, it passes you by and the Sun reappears.

So there are drawbacks, but they're not unsurmountable.

Oh, and there's one other benefit. The joy of knowing that by giving her your blessing, you're doing something for your wife that makes her tremendously happy. The happiness we shower onto others very often splashes back on ourselves. I'd consider that beneficial.
 
Holy shit thank you for that perspective. I'm so busy thinking of my fears that I'm forgetting all of those wonderful things. I am an extreme introvert and my wife is an extrovert so I have always fought to have my me tone which I now get as much of add I need. Our have had become unbelievable since this started. I'm just so prone to worrying about everything. Thank you for reminding me of the good things.
 
Glad to hear it helped ... Do keep us posted on how things are going.
 
Hey, having a struggle today.

Hey guys I know it has been a while and things have been going along alright. I had a bit of a break down not to long ago feelings were hurt and my marriage almost ended but I located the source of the problem and we are on the road to recovery. My wife does not want to leave me and I don't want to leave her but she needs this in her life so I'm finally accepting it not without challenges still like today. The subject is sex surprise surprise I know but there are few things weighing on my mind. The other day my wife shared with me some sexual related things that she has learned about herself since being with this guy. Some preferences of hers. Now these things intrigue me and I want to know what makes her happy but what if I can't live up to her expectations in the bedroom. She has said to me that what her and I do has always been great and now she has learned a few other things that she wants us to try, but what if I can't do those things as well as he can how can she not be comparing us in this type of scenario? Makes me insecure. The other thing that doesn't leave my mind is I catch myself thinking about what there first time would have been like. I picture it in my head and it messes me up. I can just imagine him being so excited to see her naked body for the first time and wanting to do things with her. I don't want her to share her nakedness and sexuality with him. These thoughts are killing me and I can't study. Her body and sexuality has always been sacred to me and I have a hard time letting that go. Please help, I'm dieing here. :( How the hell do you ever let the sex stuff go?
 
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Hi Danielsen,

It sounds like you're struggling with a couple of things. First, you're afraid your wife will judge you to be "inferior" the the other guy in bed. Second, you're mourning the loss of the specialness that you alone once had when you and you only had access to your wife's body.

The second thing is simply a process. It involves steps such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You have to go through these stages, and sometimes you have to step backward and experience one or more steps multiple times. The key here is to have patience with yourself and the process. Allow yourself to mourn, it is normal and okay under the circumstances. You are making a sacrifice for your wife's benefit.

The first thing is usually an illusion we experience when we get all wound up with insecurity. While it's not impossible for your wife to like this other guy better in the sack, it's not likely. You should be able to count on her viewing sex with each guy as being "different," not being better or worse.

But I do sympathize that you are maybe feeling a little scared and in need of extra reassurance from your wife. You feel like she'll see you as needy and clingy if you ask for that reassurance. These things aren't easy to work out, but try to have faith that you'll feel safer eventually. That's one of the purposes of this forum, to help shore up your confidence and help you find ways to communicate with your wife.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Thank you so much for that informative advice I will really consider all you've said. I take my dog on walks to sort through these things in my head. I had one other thing not sex related, but that I am dealing with if you don't mind. My wife and this other guy are both extroverts in such a big way. They have organized a dance class together for some days of the week and it's just generally easier for her to jump on his bandwagon to go do things because he'll beat me to the punch. I see her just living life and having fun and don't get me wrong I have come out of my shell lately and I am getting more involved doing things etc. I fear that because I am an introvert that she will become tired of me in favour of the kind of fun and excitement he brings to the table. I fear that she won't see any value and having me around anymore because he can cater to a lot of her needs that I can't. She reminds me of our strong bond of over 12 years being together and there are things she wants us to do together, but I fear it won't be enough. I see her happiness grow since being with this guy and I find myself asking what if anything do I contribute anymore besides a strong bond. She is different now then she was and maybe it's a matter of time before she realizes that I am just part of a past that she has outgrown. She texts him more than me they are always chatting about their interests and I'm just boring old me. She never texts me when she is out having good times with him to check on me and see how I am doing or what I'm doing it's like she just doesn't care anymore. No more I miss you or need you, just silence. Her and him have been at a dance retreat all weekend. Hasn't texted me much at all does she not even think about me anymore, what use am I to her anymore? Sorry that got a little intense.
 
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I suspect NRE is causing a lot of this seeming disparity between her excitement for the new guy versus her excitement for you. NRE wears off eventually so I don't think it'll always be like this. On the other hand, you have to speak up and tell her what your needs are. If you need her to include you more and text you some more, you should ask. Not that she has to say yes, but you are your own best advocate for your own needs.

If I were you, I would look for a poly-friendly therapist to help you sort things out. It would be nice if she would go to therapy sessions with you, but go alone if she's not willing. I perceive that you have some deep insecurities about your place in her life. I can help but you need a therapist's help as well. I have links to help you find a poly-friendly therapist if you're interested.

Maybe you feel like the fire has gone out of your marriage after 12 years? If so, let's try to rekindle it.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Kevin is right, that sounds like NRE to me. Everything we did in the first few months of Mal and my relationship felt 'right' and like it couldn't be any other way (all night phone calls - literally until 5am! - and visits and ... well, for all that we were TRYING to be reasonable, we just didn't succeed very well. I know other people saw that, but we sure didn't. It helped when people who loved us said we were being excessive, and needed to tone it down.

I think you should tell your wife that while you support and love her, you are making some pretty big changes in your life (and mostly for her), so need some extra support right now. Maybe even set a time each day when you text each other if you are not together. It's surprising how reassuring it is to know that at 10am every day I will talk to Mal, either in person or by text. Sometimes is just a 'hi' and sometimes it's a phone call, but the consistency of it is very reassuring.
 
Ugh. Double post. Sorry.
 
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Hi Danielsen,

Just a quick note...

The things your wife tells you don't "make you" feel insecure; you are already insecure and are only latching on to those things as the reason for it, simply because it stirred the waters and brought your insecurities to the surface. But feeling either secure or insecure about who you are, your value, and what you bring to a relationship - well, that's an inside job. Furthermore, no one else can fix it for you. It's up to you to make the effort to build your sense of self-esteem and see your worth. If you were already in a centered, confident, secure place within yourself, when she told you these things, they wouldn't have ruffled your feathers and thrown you off-balance so much. So, instead of focusing on what she is doing or saying, or images of her with him, focus on you, and what you can do to feel better about yourself.

The other thing is about her body and sex. I know it is easy, when one is married or in a long-term entanglement, to think of their spouse's body as theirs. But that is an illusion. In reality, your wife's body and sexuality never belonged to you. So, it just isn't true that anything is being taken away from you, because it wasn't yours to begin with. She chose to share herself with you, and now she chooses to share herself with someone else as well. She has told you she isn't going anywhere, so trust that. Again, becoming more secure in who you are and what you have to offer will help you. And stop thinking about comparisons - no one ever wins at the compare game.
 
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..feeling either secure or insecure about who you are, your value, and what you bring to a relationship - well, that's an inside job. Furthermore, no one else can fix it for you. It's up to you to make the effort to build your sense of self-esteem and see your worth.


Print this out, Danielsen, frame it and place it prominently in your home (and I'll do the same!) This is the key to getting to a better place in your life. Watching for "good behavior" and signs of love from others is always a temporary fix, for when we are focused on others to shore us up, our lives are built on the sands of their changing tides. Through this new experience, you now have the opportunity to build the majority of your foundation on solid ground - you. This is something that everyone who wants stability needs to do whether they are poly, mono, pink or purple. Your wife and your friend/her BF and you all sound like good, thoughtful people and there's much potential for things to go well here. The key for you is to keep your focus on building your own stability that is not dependent on what you imagine others are thinking about you. It's a challenge for most people, so you're in good company, but it's possible to align with - and there is no peace without it.
 
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Hi, Danielsen. I'm newish to poly, too. My current partner, Blue, is my first poly relationship. I agree with everything that's been said. Work on you and your self esteem and everything else will follow. Confidence is attractive :) Also, the more focused you are on yourself, the less time you'll have to obsess over your wife's other relationship.

For the obsessive thoughts, one thing that works for me is to use mindfulness techniques. When the obsessive thoughts start, I imagine a STOP sign in my head. Then, if the thought is something I want to address later, I imagine putting it in a manila folder and placing the folder at the very back of a file cabinet. I, then mentally choose a folder that's about me and I focus on that. Or, if the obsessive thought is not a constructive thought, or not something that I need to address, I imagine writing it out on a piece of paper and burning the paper. Sometimes, I do just that, write it out and burn it. Watching it burn is cathartic for me. It takes a lot of practice at first, but those mental exercises have helped me significantly. It becomes easier the more you do it. Now, just imagining the stop sign is often enough to break the pattern for me.

As far as the NRE in your wife's relationship is concerned...try to harness some of that for yourself. Plan the occasional romantic date with your wife. Don't try to compete with her boyfriend and choose 'extroverted' type dates. Make it all your own... things you two like/have enjoyed doing in the past. Or something, you've wanted to do together but haven't. Flirt with her, romance her like you did when you were dating. And, like others have said, just keep communicating with her. I also found it helpful to do things I enjoy while Blue's out. Maybe that's a coffee date with a friend, a movie with my kids, or just a good book...but doing something I enjoy takes my focus off what he & his date are doing.

Last thing, I really like the articles on More Than Two.
 
Second PinkPig on not trying to mimic an extrovert yourself.

My partner has 3 serious girlfriends. 2 introverts, including myself, and 1 extrovert.
He and I stay in a lot, watch movies, occasionally do our shopping together, go someplace quiet to eat, etc.
He and the extrovert go out and do more exciting type things. They go to metal concerts, go exploring in college towns, plan bigger trips. They were going to do the Sky Jump off the Stratosphere in Las Vegas, which he's been trying to get me to do for years and just ain't gonna happen.

Sometimes I envy the things they do, but I know he'd do them with me if I asked to plan something similar; we've done it before. However, our quiet activities are special to both of us. I'm special to him, and so is she, despite us being incredibly different. The differences between us meet different needs for him. I imagine the same is true for your wife of you and her boyfriend.
If she loves you, and it sounds like she really does, she's not going to abandon you because they go out and do more things of a certain sort.
Things will slow down between them eventually, NRE will end, and life will seem a bit more calm.
 
Maybe this wil help....

I have two of the most awesome partners In the world sexually. Thu both have the golden penis, (and golden touch) and they are so different. Each time I'm with one, I think,
Oh yes! This is how sex should be, but then am with the other and think- wow! I didn't know sex could BE like that. (And each thought gets used with each partner.) I appreciate them more because their differences highlight the other's strengths.

Is your wife like that with people? Does she love who she's with for who they are? If so, I bet she will only appreciate you more.

Plus, what I learn from one I can't wait to do on the other. And get way more enthusiastic about sex in general.

You've got good stuff ahead of you, buddy. This is only going to make your awx life better, if you let it.
 
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