How do I get more time with him when the other (secondary) partner is needier?

scarletzinnia

New member
I met my boyfriend C. last May, but after nonsexual two dates we put things on hold a bit because his wife was having some issues surrounding being poly. I wasn't confident that they would get through them, so I elected to take the summer off from our relationship and he agreed. We kept in close virtual contact all summer, but did not see each other in person. At the end of the summer, we reevaluated and his wife seemed much more comfortable with things, so I resumed seeing him and it's gone well.

C. has another girlfriend whom he met a couple of weeks before he met me. She did not elect to put their relationship on hold over the summer despite his wife's discomfort, so now their relationship is a good bit farther along than the relationship I have with him. They are in love. I am fine, even compersive, about this. C. considers both me and other girlfriend to be secondary relationships and I am fine with that too.

What I am not fine with is that this other partner is very obviously getting the lion's share of C's very limited in-person time and attention and money that he can spend on other relationships, and I don't see that changing in the near future because she's the needy one and I am not.

She and I both live about an hour and a half from him. He can't host an overnight guest at all, his wife is not OK with that. I may be able to do so down the road once he's met my kids and spent a little more time with my husband, but I am not totally sure about that, I have never had an overnight guest here and I'm not sure how that will go. He and I have spent two overnights in hotels and shared the costs of that equally. The other partner has an in-law space where our boyfriend is able to stay over, so they have had a lot of overnight dates. I get that it's easier in some ways to see the other partner, but it's harder in other ways. She can't always drive (she's had some surgery recently, and is generally in fragile health), so he drives an hour and a half to her place to see her. He's never even been in my town or even within a half hour of it, we have always met at a midpoint. And I am virtually certain that C. shoulders all the financial costs of their relationship, because she's been out of work since the summer and her husband hasn't worked in years. I've always paid my way, we split the cost of everything. I don't mind doing this as a rule, but if I am barely seeing him because he can't afford to even split things with me, it's a problem. (I don't know if this is the case, but it certainly is looking that way, and he has hinted that our time is limited by his financial ability to even split things the way we have. I didn't know until last night though that the other girlfriend had lost her job.)

So now the other partner's husband has left her and it appears to be an abuse situation because she has a restraining order against the husband and C. is taking a day off from work to go to court with her. He and I have been talking about him taking a day off from work on my weekday off for about two months now and he's never had the time. And he's seeing her this weekend, and he saw her last weekend too. I haven't seen him since the weekend before that, and I won't see him until the end of the month. His choice, I've had the time, he has not.

He let me know up front in this relationship that we would not have weekly dates and I really am OK with not having those, but right now I'm feeling like an also-ran, the afterthought, and I don't know what to do about that. And part of me feels very selfish for even worrying about this, because of the other partner's poor health and difficult personal issues.

As a side issue, C. mentioned last night that he had spent a fair bit of time trying to cultivate a friendship with other girlfriend's now soon-to-be-ex husband, and I realized that he has barely interacted with mine at all. Met him twice, barely talked to him either time, has made no attempt to spend time with him or communicate with him in any way. My husband hasn't complained, but the contrast is bugging me. I'm in a 30 year relationship with a great guy and C. chose to spend his time and effort instead on making nice to an abuser. Grrrr.
 
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You should not be discussing all of this information with your love - he is over sharing. It should not at all matter what he is giving to his other girlfriend. You need to make sure you firm up that boundary - it does not matter at all what time and energy and money he is giving to her. You should not have all of this information - obviously it is causing you grief and turmoil as you compare and come out feeling less than.

I suggest you decide what you NEED to make this a viable relationship and then request it. It does not matter that he sleeps with her every night or just once a month. What works for you and him is separate. If you are ok with meeting halfway and splitting costs, then continue doing so. If he spends his extra money on gas to drive to see her should not impact your setup - if he spent the money on a hot air balloon hobby or hiring acrobats to perform at a party, all that matters is that he is still meeting what you are wanting.

If having a weekday with him is a must, then articulate that. I just don't think its a good idea to be comparing your relationship with theirs. Get that boundary up and don't talk about her with him at all. If he's unavailable for something, that's all you need to know.

((Hugs))
 
Hi Bluebird. I am really not ok with always meeting halfway. I just assumed that since I was dating a guy who was an hour and a half away and since he couldn't host me at his house, that I'd be doing some traveling. And you are right, I am comparing. I found out recently that he drove an hour and a half to pick her up, take her to a town that was ANOTHER hour away to a Broadway show, then took her home. I've never driven less than half an hour to see him, and an hour is more the norm.

I am OK with splitting things, but it's not easy for me either, because my other boyfriend, who is a much more long-term relationship and whom I love ( I am not in love with C, but I am open to it), is flat broke at present, really down and out financially, and if I wasn't willing able to pay most or all of the costs of seeing each other at present (he's a LDR and we use hotels too), I wouldn't be able to see him at all. So it would be really nice to have one partner who had a little financial wiggle room. I just fell into the pattern of splitting everything with C because I did not want to piss off C's wife. (That was an issue before in a past relationship, a wife resenting money spent on having a relationship with me.)
 
Sounds like you need to start asking for what you want. If he's willing to do things for her don't you think he'd be willing to do them for you too? You said shes more needy, she's probably asking for more.
 
I don't know, inyourendo. I am just starting to realize that a lot of the time I have had with him may have been because she wasn't available, or because she didn't want to do a particular thing that he wanted to do. We went to a concert last month of some weird music that I would never have chosen to hear on my own. I agreed to go because I wanted to spend time with him. During the concert he let slip that she hadn't wanted to go. We have a date planned (our only one this month) to go to the sex club he is a member of, next weekend. I was happy to accept. I'm not a swinger and not open to physical contact with strangers, but the one time C and I went to the club he was perfectly happy to just be with each other. Now I realize that other girlfriend CAN'T go the club right now, because of her recent surgery. The last time I saw C wasn't a great weekend for me, because I was already seeing my LDR on Saturday night for our monthly date, and C asked me for that Friday. I happily accepted, because I wanted to see C, even though it was really tiring for me to see both lovers so close together. I found out when we were together that he was seeing other girlfriend that Sunday. Found out last night that he's seen her every weekend since, when I would have been happy to see him but he has made it clear to me that if he has availability, he will offer it to me, so I never asked. Now December is coming and I'm busy two weekends in a row with family stuff and my LDR partner, and C hasn't said a word about getting together. I feel very hopeless about this. There was a point in a past relationship where I realized I was getting made less of a priority in favor of another (secondary) relationship, and I just rolled with it, and ended up in a situation where I was truly treated like shit, a dirty little secret next to the "official" girlfriend, and ended up being disposed of like yesterday's trash after two and a half years with the guy. I am not doing that again. I wonder if I should just break up with him now. I will probably feel differently after I've calmed down, but right now this just sucks, and I resent the hell out of him for making me feel this way.
 
And another thing that bugs me is, the reason C is farther along in his relationship with the other girlfriend is that she didn't do the right thing the way I did. I pulled back when he was having issues in his marriage, stayed his friend virtually but didn't see him. She didn't, she went right on seeing him, not knowing or seemingly caring about his wife's feelings. She had known him two or three weeks longer in person than I had, if that, and I know I met him first virtually. Now, despite barreling ahead with him despite his wife's freakout, she's getting a loving secondary relationship and I'm getting to be the also-ran tertiary who gets the crumbs of his time. Life is not fair sometimes.
 
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So essentially he's making you a secondary to his secondary. That would bug me, you get the crap dates she doesn't want to go on. I personally wouldn't be willing to be with someone who puts me so far down on his priority list. Seems like you lost out for being a considerate person.
 
Drop them. Honestly if he kept his mouth shut you wouldn't know, but he was so nice to slip in that information. It seems like he was testing you out by saying it just to see what you'd put up with.
I bet if you put on the breaks and wanted just a friendship, some bargaining would ensue.
If they don't ask why as the first concern, there you go.
 
In my opinion, doing the "right thing" at that point is not challenging the already contested restrictions. For some people this might mean calling it off like you did. For others, they can be sure that they can keep things as they are until it's clear whether the rocky time will pass.

Personally, I'd need to do what you did but I can accept that other people would be able to sustain the relationship within strict boundaries that didn't violate the consent of anyone involved. It seems that your metamour was able to do this and now you feel resentful because that wouldn't have worked for you or you felt the only way to behave ethically in that situation was to take the break that you did.

In similar situations, I've tried to take solace in the fact that even if I chose the other route, I probably wouldn't have had the same outcome. I wouldn't have behaved in the way the other people behaved and that would have a knock on effect with the whole network. If I really felt a connection with the person, my fear that the primary partner wouldn't eventually come around would not give them the space to create the necessary security to embark on a healthy polyamorous relationship. The only thing left to resent is that I am not them and then I can quickly remind myself that I'm overall happy with the person I am and the issue is simply incompatibility. It wouldn't have worked because we are the people that we are.

As for your partner, it just seems that he is prioritising his resources as he sees fit to meet his needs. That's what we all do. It's just a downside of poly that you actively see how your partner prioritises their romantic commitments as well as the practical ones. A friend of mine once drunkenly shared a theory about poly relationships. He basically suggested that if I am partner number three to you (you have a spouse, a long term boyfriend and I'm your new girlfriend), but you're partner number two for me (I have a spouse and you as my new partner), there will be contention over resources. I think it's a very broad statement and there are lots of exceptions but I do think it's true at a very basic level.
 
And I would agree with you about resources, MightMax, if the other relationship was long term. But it is not. And I spent untold hours talking to him all summer. I didn't drop him at all. I just wasn't seeing him and sleeping with him the way she was. Nope, I was the one trying to give him marital advice while she was getting the fun dates.
 
And another thing that bugs me is, the reason C is farther along in his relationship with the other girlfriend is that she didn't do the right thing the way I did. I pulled back when he was having issues in his marriage, stayed his friend virtually but didn't see him. She didn't, she went right on seeing him, not knowing or seemingly caring about his wife's feelings. She had known him two or three weeks longer in person than I had, if that, and I know I met him first virtually. Now, despite barreling ahead with him despite his wife's freakout, she's getting a loving secondary relationship and I'm getting to be the also-ran tertiary who gets the crumbs of his time. Life is not fair sometimes.

1) You have a husband and another boyfriend, while she only has him? Perhaps he thinks you can take care of yourself, while she needs more. I personally give and ask for what I need, regardless of how many partners everyone has (if a mono woman dated my guy, she'd have to share equally with the rest). However, be considerate. She is going through a tough time and needs support.

2) You appear to be judging her for not making the choice you did to hold back from the relationship. However, as I see it, she chose to stick closely by him during a difficult time and refused to let his wife push her away. You made the choice that was right for YOU, but she made a choice that was right for HER. It's not fair to resent her for this.
 
Candiedlove, you are making assumptions that are just not correct. First off, other girlfriend is not alone. She had a husband until literally this week, when he moved out. She also has another long-term boyfriend who lives about a half hour from her. My long-distance boyfriend lives 3 hours from me and I consider myself very fortunate to get to see him one night a month, and we don't always get even that much.

In addition, C's wife was not trying to make any restrictions the beginning of the summer. Rather, she was crying in her bed for two days after they came out as poly to their kids. I was worried that she was having a nervous breakdown and that's why Istepped back. The other girlfriend clearly didn't care much about what she was going through.
 
Candiedlove, you are making assumptions that are just not correct. First off, other girlfriend is not alone. She had a husband until literally this week, when he moved out. She also has another long-term boyfriend who lives about a half hour from her. My long-distance boyfriend lives 3 hours from me and I consider myself very fortunate to get to see him one night a month, and we don't always get even that much.

In addition, C's wife was not trying to make any restrictions the beginning of the summer. Rather, she was crying in her bed for two days after they came out as poly to their kids. I was worried that she was having a nervous breakdown and that's why Istepped back. The other girlfriend clearly didn't care much about what she was going through.

Apologies for misunderstanding...but it appeared that you had a solid marriage while she had only another abusive relationship. I'm acutely aware how you can be alone and living with a partner.

However, you seem to be making assumptions of your own. Maybe it wasn't necessary to step away. Maybe he was grateful she didn't. Maybe he didn't care either way and feels both of you made legitimate choices. Her disassociating herself from the wife does not mean she is uncaring. I had the choice of doing what you did once. I chose to get involved and care for her. The second time I made the decision the other girlfriend did. Looking back, I wish I'd made the latter decision both times. I put myself through needless pain getting involved in a relationship that wasn't my business.
 
Would like to elaborate with the info slipping. Last time I've seen this type of behavior he is doing, was in high school. A decade ago.
 
Well, you can't change him or the situation. The only changes you can make are in your own behavior and reactions. So, my question is this: if you are unhappy, why stick with it?

If I were you, I'd focus my energies on people who respect me, value what I have to give, are willing to listen to my concerns, make efforts to share their affection with me, and are as excited to be with me as I am to be with them. If the relationship can't meet those criteria, it is of no use to me.
 
Do you really see this as a respect issue, nycindie? How so? It sort of feels that way but I can't think of any rationale for my feelings, maybe you can? He never promised me X amount of time, nothing like that. I just assumed that anyone who wanted two fairly new relationships to work would put roughly equivalent amounts of time and effort and funds into making them both work, simply because that is what I have always tried to do in my own relationships. Dumb assumption I made there, i guess.
 
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I am sorry you struggle.

My opinion? Ask for what you want. If he could be willing to give you more of his time. And maybe less data about what he does the rest of his time. Because he could spend it bowling or whatever. He can choose where he spends his time. It is when you know that he does x with the other GF that you seem to start comparing and grow envious. You crave what she has and you do not... His time.

If what he can deliver does not suit you? Accept it for what it is. What he can deliver is not enough time and does not suit you.

You are ok being a secondary or co-secondary but not tertiary.

Galagirl
 
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Thanks, GalaGirl. I did send him a message yesterday requesting that if he was not going to put equivalent time and effort into both his secondary relationships, that I reserved the right to not hear about it. He wants to talk today, and I will listen, I guess. But the problem for me, as I see it, is that if I can't even ask someone how they just spent their last weekend, that just reduces emotional intimacy, for me, in the relationship. Sort of like being in a DADT thing? I certainly feel like I trust him less now, even though I was the one who made the incorrect assumptions about how he was handling his relationships. Knowing that he was conducting our relationship like a tertiary one, probably the whole time, without being clear about that to me until two days ago, makes me feel mistrustful. Maybe that's not fair, but it's how I feel.

I don't know what to do about what feels like a loss of intimacy and trust.

I had hoped to fall in love with this guy and for it to be mutual. How can I get there now, when I feel like the also-ran?
 
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I'd say it's a case of, Girl, he's just not that into you.

I'm polyamorous but a bit jaded from my last relationship with a guy. He spread himself too thin and just didnt have enough time or emotional energy or interpersonal skills or personal insight to carry on with as many people as he was trying to do.

Just because you can (have 3 or 4 or 5 [!] partners) doesn't mean you should.

I felt unvalued and my self esteem took a hit, but it really didn't have anything to do with how cool I was. It was him thinking he was a big ol' stud, able to keep several partners (his wife, me, my gf, another female and her husband) happy, but he really wasn't able to. Sure, HE was happy, and turned on, to run from one person to another, kissing here, fucking there, but he gave me so little time towards the end, I just felt taken for granted, and used.

His main other love interest also had health issues, like your guy's gf, which made her seem vulnerable and needing care (and somehow more precious and desirable) and bringing out his white knight qualities.

Sound familiar?
 
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And I would agree with you about resources, MightMax, if the other relationship was long term. But it is not. And I spent untold hours talking to him all summer. I didn't drop him at all. I just wasn't seeing him and sleeping with him the way she was. Nope, I was the one trying to give him marital advice while she was getting the fun dates.

Yes, she chose to keep their relationship going despite the struggle with his wife and you decided to adopt a therapist type role and counsel him. Their relationship might not be long term now but it certainly sounds like that's what they are building. It's important to remember that just because someone is poly, it doesnt mean they owe anyone a relationship. It doesn't mean he can't choose to have something casual with you and something less casual with her and direct his resources to reflect that. It doesn't matter who was around first. You can try and distribute blame and be resentful for his needs not matching yours or the fact she chose to be his girlfriend and not step back into the friend/advisor role you chose to adopt but I imagine that will just leave you feeling quite negatively.

Why not just let go and decide that what you need from a partner isn't the same as what he needs right now and move on?
 
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