scarletzinnia
New member
I met my boyfriend C. last May, but after nonsexual two dates we put things on hold a bit because his wife was having some issues surrounding being poly. I wasn't confident that they would get through them, so I elected to take the summer off from our relationship and he agreed. We kept in close virtual contact all summer, but did not see each other in person. At the end of the summer, we reevaluated and his wife seemed much more comfortable with things, so I resumed seeing him and it's gone well.
C. has another girlfriend whom he met a couple of weeks before he met me. She did not elect to put their relationship on hold over the summer despite his wife's discomfort, so now their relationship is a good bit farther along than the relationship I have with him. They are in love. I am fine, even compersive, about this. C. considers both me and other girlfriend to be secondary relationships and I am fine with that too.
What I am not fine with is that this other partner is very obviously getting the lion's share of C's very limited in-person time and attention and money that he can spend on other relationships, and I don't see that changing in the near future because she's the needy one and I am not.
She and I both live about an hour and a half from him. He can't host an overnight guest at all, his wife is not OK with that. I may be able to do so down the road once he's met my kids and spent a little more time with my husband, but I am not totally sure about that, I have never had an overnight guest here and I'm not sure how that will go. He and I have spent two overnights in hotels and shared the costs of that equally. The other partner has an in-law space where our boyfriend is able to stay over, so they have had a lot of overnight dates. I get that it's easier in some ways to see the other partner, but it's harder in other ways. She can't always drive (she's had some surgery recently, and is generally in fragile health), so he drives an hour and a half to her place to see her. He's never even been in my town or even within a half hour of it, we have always met at a midpoint. And I am virtually certain that C. shoulders all the financial costs of their relationship, because she's been out of work since the summer and her husband hasn't worked in years. I've always paid my way, we split the cost of everything. I don't mind doing this as a rule, but if I am barely seeing him because he can't afford to even split things with me, it's a problem. (I don't know if this is the case, but it certainly is looking that way, and he has hinted that our time is limited by his financial ability to even split things the way we have. I didn't know until last night though that the other girlfriend had lost her job.)
So now the other partner's husband has left her and it appears to be an abuse situation because she has a restraining order against the husband and C. is taking a day off from work to go to court with her. He and I have been talking about him taking a day off from work on my weekday off for about two months now and he's never had the time. And he's seeing her this weekend, and he saw her last weekend too. I haven't seen him since the weekend before that, and I won't see him until the end of the month. His choice, I've had the time, he has not.
He let me know up front in this relationship that we would not have weekly dates and I really am OK with not having those, but right now I'm feeling like an also-ran, the afterthought, and I don't know what to do about that. And part of me feels very selfish for even worrying about this, because of the other partner's poor health and difficult personal issues.
As a side issue, C. mentioned last night that he had spent a fair bit of time trying to cultivate a friendship with other girlfriend's now soon-to-be-ex husband, and I realized that he has barely interacted with mine at all. Met him twice, barely talked to him either time, has made no attempt to spend time with him or communicate with him in any way. My husband hasn't complained, but the contrast is bugging me. I'm in a 30 year relationship with a great guy and C. chose to spend his time and effort instead on making nice to an abuser. Grrrr.
C. has another girlfriend whom he met a couple of weeks before he met me. She did not elect to put their relationship on hold over the summer despite his wife's discomfort, so now their relationship is a good bit farther along than the relationship I have with him. They are in love. I am fine, even compersive, about this. C. considers both me and other girlfriend to be secondary relationships and I am fine with that too.
What I am not fine with is that this other partner is very obviously getting the lion's share of C's very limited in-person time and attention and money that he can spend on other relationships, and I don't see that changing in the near future because she's the needy one and I am not.
She and I both live about an hour and a half from him. He can't host an overnight guest at all, his wife is not OK with that. I may be able to do so down the road once he's met my kids and spent a little more time with my husband, but I am not totally sure about that, I have never had an overnight guest here and I'm not sure how that will go. He and I have spent two overnights in hotels and shared the costs of that equally. The other partner has an in-law space where our boyfriend is able to stay over, so they have had a lot of overnight dates. I get that it's easier in some ways to see the other partner, but it's harder in other ways. She can't always drive (she's had some surgery recently, and is generally in fragile health), so he drives an hour and a half to her place to see her. He's never even been in my town or even within a half hour of it, we have always met at a midpoint. And I am virtually certain that C. shoulders all the financial costs of their relationship, because she's been out of work since the summer and her husband hasn't worked in years. I've always paid my way, we split the cost of everything. I don't mind doing this as a rule, but if I am barely seeing him because he can't afford to even split things with me, it's a problem. (I don't know if this is the case, but it certainly is looking that way, and he has hinted that our time is limited by his financial ability to even split things the way we have. I didn't know until last night though that the other girlfriend had lost her job.)
So now the other partner's husband has left her and it appears to be an abuse situation because she has a restraining order against the husband and C. is taking a day off from work to go to court with her. He and I have been talking about him taking a day off from work on my weekday off for about two months now and he's never had the time. And he's seeing her this weekend, and he saw her last weekend too. I haven't seen him since the weekend before that, and I won't see him until the end of the month. His choice, I've had the time, he has not.
He let me know up front in this relationship that we would not have weekly dates and I really am OK with not having those, but right now I'm feeling like an also-ran, the afterthought, and I don't know what to do about that. And part of me feels very selfish for even worrying about this, because of the other partner's poor health and difficult personal issues.
As a side issue, C. mentioned last night that he had spent a fair bit of time trying to cultivate a friendship with other girlfriend's now soon-to-be-ex husband, and I realized that he has barely interacted with mine at all. Met him twice, barely talked to him either time, has made no attempt to spend time with him or communicate with him in any way. My husband hasn't complained, but the contrast is bugging me. I'm in a 30 year relationship with a great guy and C. chose to spend his time and effort instead on making nice to an abuser. Grrrr.
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