So, I've always considered myself unusual in the way I saw relationships and the way I dated. For instance, even as a teenager, when I thought about the relationship I envisioned, I called my partner my 'partner' and not my husband. And the community I envisioned was suspiciously full of people he and I seemed to be affectionate towards.
At the time I didn't know anything about poly or the sex-positive community.
I've been kinky since before I ever even had sex, and so my sex life these days includes various lovers and various levels of kink. A prude I am not.
I have a partner of 7 months, and we've been talking almost from the beginning about sharing our future together. This has largely come from him, and though I wavered a bit at first, I do think of us as on the path to life partnership.
He has another significant partner, but the real issues for me is that he has a lot of other lovers. A LOT. Like, I don't know how many, if you count the number of people he is intimate with at play parties.
He spends a LOT of time online chatting with/looking up new potential lovers. We met when he messaged me online.
He is very open with me about the lovers he has - I've met some of them, he tells me their names and proclivities, tells me when he's going on dates with them, etc (we don't live together). He's not hiding anything from me, as far as I can tell. There'd be no reason to. Apart from both of us using protection with our other lovers, there are no restrictions.
I don't really like all the other lovers (I mean I don't like that he has as many; I have no problem with any of the lovers I've met), but he's made it clear that he's not interested in limiting his lovers.
I think his drive to have as much sex as possible with as many new people as possible has to do with a very restrictive and emotionally abusive marriage he was in for a long time. I think he decided he'd never be limited in that way again.
However, in my opinion, this compulsion around sex has damaged our closeness and intimacy (mainly because we haven't been able to build a lot of intimacy due to his not having the time to spend with me; Our relationship is not as close as I would expect a 'normal' 7-month relationship would be.)
I don't want to end things, but I spend a lot of time dealing with my resentment and discomfort with all the other lovers.
I work in psychology, and his compulsion around sex seem unhealthy to me, like an addiction. I know that addicts won't get help unless they understand how their addiction is harming them. I'm not prepared to guilt or nag him into stopping his behavior or "getting help." I think if I did that, he'd leave.
I guess my question is: can poly sometimes be used as an excuse to engage in unhealthy relationship/sexual practices and call them 'healthy'?
Ugh. I know there's really not much I can do here. I can choose to stay and deal with the emotional repercussions, or I can walk away. I guess I'm just posting to get support. Has anyone else had this experience?
At the time I didn't know anything about poly or the sex-positive community.
I've been kinky since before I ever even had sex, and so my sex life these days includes various lovers and various levels of kink. A prude I am not.
I have a partner of 7 months, and we've been talking almost from the beginning about sharing our future together. This has largely come from him, and though I wavered a bit at first, I do think of us as on the path to life partnership.
He has another significant partner, but the real issues for me is that he has a lot of other lovers. A LOT. Like, I don't know how many, if you count the number of people he is intimate with at play parties.
He spends a LOT of time online chatting with/looking up new potential lovers. We met when he messaged me online.
He is very open with me about the lovers he has - I've met some of them, he tells me their names and proclivities, tells me when he's going on dates with them, etc (we don't live together). He's not hiding anything from me, as far as I can tell. There'd be no reason to. Apart from both of us using protection with our other lovers, there are no restrictions.
I don't really like all the other lovers (I mean I don't like that he has as many; I have no problem with any of the lovers I've met), but he's made it clear that he's not interested in limiting his lovers.
I think his drive to have as much sex as possible with as many new people as possible has to do with a very restrictive and emotionally abusive marriage he was in for a long time. I think he decided he'd never be limited in that way again.
However, in my opinion, this compulsion around sex has damaged our closeness and intimacy (mainly because we haven't been able to build a lot of intimacy due to his not having the time to spend with me; Our relationship is not as close as I would expect a 'normal' 7-month relationship would be.)
I don't want to end things, but I spend a lot of time dealing with my resentment and discomfort with all the other lovers.
I work in psychology, and his compulsion around sex seem unhealthy to me, like an addiction. I know that addicts won't get help unless they understand how their addiction is harming them. I'm not prepared to guilt or nag him into stopping his behavior or "getting help." I think if I did that, he'd leave.
I guess my question is: can poly sometimes be used as an excuse to engage in unhealthy relationship/sexual practices and call them 'healthy'?
Ugh. I know there's really not much I can do here. I can choose to stay and deal with the emotional repercussions, or I can walk away. I guess I'm just posting to get support. Has anyone else had this experience?