I think my partner is a sex addict

BeingRose

New member
So, I've always considered myself unusual in the way I saw relationships and the way I dated. For instance, even as a teenager, when I thought about the relationship I envisioned, I called my partner my 'partner' and not my husband. And the community I envisioned was suspiciously full of people he and I seemed to be affectionate towards.

At the time I didn't know anything about poly or the sex-positive community.

I've been kinky since before I ever even had sex, and so my sex life these days includes various lovers and various levels of kink. A prude I am not.

I have a partner of 7 months, and we've been talking almost from the beginning about sharing our future together. This has largely come from him, and though I wavered a bit at first, I do think of us as on the path to life partnership.

He has another significant partner, but the real issues for me is that he has a lot of other lovers. A LOT. Like, I don't know how many, if you count the number of people he is intimate with at play parties.

He spends a LOT of time online chatting with/looking up new potential lovers. We met when he messaged me online.

He is very open with me about the lovers he has - I've met some of them, he tells me their names and proclivities, tells me when he's going on dates with them, etc (we don't live together). He's not hiding anything from me, as far as I can tell. There'd be no reason to. Apart from both of us using protection with our other lovers, there are no restrictions.

I don't really like all the other lovers (I mean I don't like that he has as many; I have no problem with any of the lovers I've met), but he's made it clear that he's not interested in limiting his lovers.

I think his drive to have as much sex as possible with as many new people as possible has to do with a very restrictive and emotionally abusive marriage he was in for a long time. I think he decided he'd never be limited in that way again.

However, in my opinion, this compulsion around sex has damaged our closeness and intimacy (mainly because we haven't been able to build a lot of intimacy due to his not having the time to spend with me; Our relationship is not as close as I would expect a 'normal' 7-month relationship would be.)

I don't want to end things, but I spend a lot of time dealing with my resentment and discomfort with all the other lovers.

I work in psychology, and his compulsion around sex seem unhealthy to me, like an addiction. I know that addicts won't get help unless they understand how their addiction is harming them. I'm not prepared to guilt or nag him into stopping his behavior or "getting help." I think if I did that, he'd leave.

I guess my question is: can poly sometimes be used as an excuse to engage in unhealthy relationship/sexual practices and call them 'healthy'?

Ugh. I know there's really not much I can do here. I can choose to stay and deal with the emotional repercussions, or I can walk away. I guess I'm just posting to get support. Has anyone else had this experience?
 
I think *anything* can be used as an excuse to engage in unhealthy behavior, so yes, I think polyamory, swinging, BDSM, and other sexual activities can definitely be used to excuse or explain certain unhealthy or abusive behaviors. For example, I briefly dated a guy who called himself a Dom who used the label to force women into sexual activities they told him they didn't want, and to be verbally and emotionally abusive.

If someone does have a sex addiction, swinging or "polyamory" would be a logical way to cover and excuse it. I put "polyamory" in quotes there because I question whether it's truly polyamory if it's *only* about the sex. Just because someone calls their partners "lovers" doesn't necessarily mean there's love involved, and in order for something to be polyamory, by definition love has to be involved.
 
So, I've always considered myself unusual in the way I saw relationships and the way I dated. For instance, even as a teenager, when I thought about the relationship I envisioned, I called my partner my 'partner' and not my husband. And the community I envisioned was suspiciously full of people he and I seemed to be affectionate towards.

At the time I didn't know anything about poly or the sex-positive community.

I've been kinky since before I ever even had sex, and so my sex life these days includes various lovers and various levels of kink. A prude I am not.

I have a partner of 7 months, and we've been talking almost from the beginning about sharing our future together. This has largely come from him, and though I wavered a bit at first, I do think of us as on the path to life partnership.

He has another significant partner, but the real issues for me is that he has a lot of other lovers. A LOT. Like, I don't know how many, if you count the number of people he is intimate with at play parties.

He spends a LOT of time online chatting with/looking up new potential lovers. We met when he messaged me online.

He is very open with me about the lovers he has - I've met some of them, he tells me their names and proclivities, tells me when he's going on dates with them, etc (we don't live together). He's not hiding anything from me, as far as I can tell. There'd be no reason to. Apart from both of us using protection with our other lovers, there are no restrictions.

I don't really like all the other lovers (I mean I don't like that he has as many; I have no problem with any of the lovers I've met), but he's made it clear that he's not interested in limiting his lovers.

I think his drive to have as much sex as possible with as many new people as possible has to do with a very restrictive and emotionally abusive marriage he was in for a long time. I think he decided he'd never be limited in that way again.

However, in my opinion, this compulsion around sex has damaged our closeness and intimacy (mainly because we haven't been able to build a lot of intimacy due to his not having the time to spend with me; Our relationship is not as close as I would expect a 'normal' 7-month relationship would be.)

I don't want to end things, but I spend a lot of time dealing with my resentment and discomfort with all the other lovers.

I work in psychology, and his compulsion around sex seem unhealthy to me, like an addiction. I know that addicts won't get help unless they understand how their addiction is harming them. I'm not prepared to guilt or nag him into stopping his behavior or "getting help." I think if I did that, he'd leave.

I guess my question is: can poly sometimes be used as an excuse to engage in unhealthy relationship/sexual practices and call them 'healthy'?

Ugh. I know there's really not much I can do here. I can choose to stay and deal with the emotional repercussions, or I can walk away. I guess I'm just posting to get support. Has anyone else had this experience?
Well, my ex wife thinks i am one, because I wanted it more than twice a month, lol.
 
Some people do practice swinging, polyamory and open relationships in unhealthy ways.

But some people practice swinging, poly and open relationships differently from each other, maybe don't meet each other needs or expectations, don't match up ethically in some ways - but this is not automatically unhealthy.

Your partner may well be using sex and looking for dates to avoid real intimacy. Or he may just enjoy having many partners - more partners than you feel comfortable about him having - and isn't avoiding anything. He may just have a high sex drive.

He may define intimacy very differently than you - maybe mostly or only as physical and sexual contact. For him, all those partners may be 'intimate'. You may define intimacy in a more emotional connection sense (as well as physical). I had a partner who experienced and wanted intimacy differently than I did. We couldn't meet each other's intimacy needs and so the relationship ended. But that doesn't make him unhealthy - just possibly incompatible long term with you.

Be very careful that you label something different, something not meeting your expectations as 'unhealthy' or 'addictive'. You could be correct that he is behaving in compulsive ways that are harming him. Or you could just wildly different expectations of relationships and definitions of intimacy.

Lastly, there is a really interesting book by Dr. David J. Ley called 'The Myth of Sex Addiction'. It might provide a viewpoint you could find useful.
 
I'm sure that sexual addiction is a thing that's possible, particularly if a person's sexual activity is keeping them from living the life they want. Interfering with holding a job, complying with the law, etc.

But the simple fact that it keeps them too busy to engage in what you consider a "normal" relationship, that's not what defines addiction.

How many is too many? 30 people in a month? 100? Or 15? 10?
 
Sex addicts exist but it's a person who is unable to participate in a normal life because their sex addiction is too powerful. For example, your mother is dying in hospital but you just can't help going to see a prostitute before you go there. You have ruined your job by having or trying to have sex with people there.

People often use "sex addict" to try and shame others into sharing their values about sex and relationships.
 
One thing I'll add...

You say you "work in psychology." I know from personal experience that when you have that type of background, it's very easy to try to diagnose the people around you or to assign mental health reasons to their behaviors. I would caution you to try to avoid diagnosing your partner, and just focus on the specific aspects of his behavior that are problematic for you. For example, rather than "His behavior seems compulsive, like an addiction", try to think more along the lines of "It really bothers me that he has sex with so many different people, and that makes me feel like our relationship isn't healthy." You're emotionally involved with him, which means your observations and assumptions are colored by how you feel; you can't be objective.
 
Yes, it is possible to practice poly in unhealthy ways. Ditto kink. While most people you will meet are perfectly nice people, some just won't be.

But whether or not he is a sex addict is unknown at this time.

You feel resentful here. You do not get enough time with him. Those parts you DO know for sure at this time. You basically call it right:
I can choose to stay and deal with the emotional repercussions, or I can walk away.

I am sorry you deal in this. You sound disappointed that this is not looking like a runner. :(

Galagirl
 
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Hi Rose,

Re (from OP):
"I guess my question is: Can poly sometimes be used as an excuse to engage in unhealthy relationship/sexual practices and call them 'healthy?'"

Of course it can. But isn't the real question: Is that what your partner's doing?

My understanding of what defines an addiction is that an addiction is something that consumes you and ruins your life. How much sex you have and how often is actually not what defines addiction. One guy could have sex once a week and be an addict. Another guy could have sex three times a day and not be an addict. It's the management of the amount of sexual activity that makes the difference.

Your argument is that your partner is in the "unhealthy zone" because his many lovers are taking away the necessary time that you and he need to spend with each other in order to have a "normal" relationship. Whether that argument stands depends on whether he agrees that he's not happy with how his large number of lovers affects his relationship with you.

It would be like if he had a hobby that you thought was out of control. Let's say he was a mountaineer, and was constantly away on climbing trips and never spending time with you. That would be the same kind of problem, and I suppose you would then ask if he was a "mountaineering addict" -- and maybe he would be. Again it depends on whether his hobby is ruining the stuff that matters the most to him in his life.

The rub is that he may have different relationship goals than you have. He may have a different idea of what constitutes a normal relationship, and he might not even care whether any of his relationships are normal. You desire a certain level of emotional intimacy with him, and it's possible that he desires a much smaller amount of emotional intimacy. If he can get that and feel happy with it, then his sexual activity -- by the definition I understand -- doesn't rise to the level of an addiction.

And anyway, addiction or no addiction, what really matters from your standpoint is whether your needs are being met in this relationship with him, and whether they can be met in this relationship with him. If they can't, then yeah, you probably ought to break up with him. But there's no need to tell him he's an addict as a parting shot. We don't even know if he's an addict; not, at least, without further information about his goals in life.

What you should probably do is take the following steps (in the order listed):

  • Decide whether you can be happy if things remain just as they are.
  • If you can't be happy with things just as they are, then tell him so, and ask him if he's willing to make some adjustments.
  • If you're not happy, and he won't change, then you should probably break up with him.
If he says something like, "I know I shouldn't have this many lovers, but I just can't seem to say no to any of them," then you can discuss with him the possibility that this may be an addiction, and look into possible professional help he can get for it. But that'll only work if he in *some* way admits (without being pushed) that he has a problem.

I'm probably not helping much, but that's about the best I can think of. I hope you'll keep us posted on how things are going.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Ugh. I know there's really not much I can do here. I can choose to stay and deal with the emotional repercussions, or I can walk away. I guess I'm just posting to get support. Has anyone else had this experience?

Others in the thread have made pretty clear - lots of sex and a high libido doesn't necessarily make your partner a sex addict. My attention went to how you said you only had 2 options...either to grin and bear it or leave. After all...

opalescent said:
He may define intimacy very differently than you

Maybe he values your relationship above the others, but he doesn't think there's anything wrong. He doesn't realize how his sex drive may be building resentment in you. I think it's fair to him you let him know! He may be willing to cut back on the excess sex because he realizes you're worth the commitment. Or maybe he'll get shifty and make excuses to maintain the sex. I'd bring it up to him in a way he can respond either to commit more or to pull away and keep being sexy. At least you'll put the ball in his court, and that way you'll better be able to tell where his true loyalties lie.
 
Being Rose, I hope you check back in to this thread with more details and updates. I think this is a very common problem in polyamory actually, people who go a bit mad with having multiple lovers, the rush of NRE lust and excitement, but are bad at actually handling the relationships and keeping everything and everyone in balance with their relationship needs met.

There are charismatic people out there, men and women, who find it fairly easy to attract and fuck (and/or do kinky stuff) with many people. But then they fail miserably at actually having real, as you say "normal" r'ships with anyone. It's like those jugglers with spinning plates balanced on sticks. This or that plate may wobble, it gets a spin to get it balanced, but then the juggler rushes to balance another plate. After a while, one or more people get tired of being given the minimum of attention to be merely placated and kept spinning for a few more moments.

One of my current catchphrases for polyamory is, just because you CAN (have multiple partners) doesn't mean you SHOULD. IMO if you don't have the emotional and social skills for manifesting true intimacy and respect and kindness with multiple others, you have no place calling yourself polyamorous.

I get that your bf is sowing wild oats after a restrictive marriage. How long ago did he get out of that? How long is this wild phase going to go on, all this shagging and kink with uncountable numbers of people? It sounds like you got sold a bill of goods at first, where he was pushing for something deep and long term, and yet something in your gut told you to be wary. I'd still be wary. Sounds like he doesn't have, or want, at this point, the skills or true desire for the intimacy he seemed to promise you at first. Which is very sad.

He is allowed to have his (true) agenda, kinky playpartners galore, but if he promised a real r'ship with more intimacy than you are getting or wanting, you really only have 2 choices: tell him your needs aren't being met, and see if he is willing AND able to meet them, and not just give your plate one more perfunctory spin, or, tell him you are done.
 
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This thread left me with a few questions:

Have you talked to him about it at all? If so what was his reaction (you may find he is open to a gentle probing into this subject if it's not too accusatory)?

Are you feeling some form of jealousy here? If so how is it manifesting (I am sensing some feelings of exclusion)? And what have you done so far to address this if it applies?



From a purely outside perspective this reads a bit to me like you've already made up your mind about what's going on here before having explored it fully with your partner. That could be very wrong if key elements were left out, but if it's not then I would highly recommend stepping back out of the scenario you've envisioned a bit and leaving the possibility for things to be different then you've imagined them. You may find that this situation has solutions that didn't already foresee.
 
Beingrose I myself am also into psychology and knowing you are it both surprises me and doesn't surprise me you do not have the answer to this. It surprises me on a basic level because you seem blind to what is truly happening. On a deeper level it doesn't surprise me because your emotions are controlling the justification you are using to take this apart in little pieces that you can compartmentalize into smaller rationalizations. I will make this one short and sweet. If you enjoy your life being a psychological roller coaster and giant mess that gives you something to constantly worry about in an effort to run from real life then you can simply stay in this position. If you are truly concerned about the outcome and want more out of life than thinking about how many lovers your partner has and whether he us a sex addict then I would say get out of this relationship today and never look back. His condition will only get worse and he us not doing what he is doing from a healthy state. First spend some time alone. Meditate and seek your inner self to find out if you are with him and in this position because you have some issues of your own deep down. In any case if I were you I would choose the second option quickly.
 
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