Big changes in relationships

Emmy37

New member
I'm hoping if I give a brief run down of some changes that are possibly in the works you guys can help me pick it apart to tell me what (if anything) I may be missing, need to be aware of or watching for as we go through this transition phase.

1) We're moving into a house where the 2 separate families will be combined into a single household. This is a definite going to happen big change. It means a change in schools for my and Bud's children.

2) Sweet Lady's teenage children are choosing to remain in the same town they currently live so they can avoid changing schools. This means transitioning to living with their dad and being with us on weekends. I'm extremely concerned about how hard this could be on Sweet Lady. She says she's ok with it, wants to make the move with us but cries as she's saying these things. :(:(:( Not to mention I will miss them. They are good kids and fun to have around.

3) I will be taking on more hours at work in order to make enough money to ensure we can pay bills without feeling strapped for cash. This will mean I work Monday 9am-5pm, Tuesday 9am-5pm, Thursday 1-9pm. Friday I will begin my shift at 9am and it won't end until Sunday at 9am (full 48 hours away from home every weekend). This puts me at home only on Wednesdays and Sundays. Sweet Lady works Monday 5am-1pm, Tuesday 1-9pm, Thursday 1-9pm, Friday 7am-2pm, Sunday 5am-1pm. Bud is a full time college student as well as caregiver to our children who are all still young.

I've had this type of work schedule in the past. Bud, the kids and I were all fine through it. But Sweet Lady was just a friend at the time. Now that she's an integral part of my every day dynamic I'm having a hard time thinking about maintaining all of these relationships plus this work schedule. It was hard enough maintaining Bud & I when I worked these kind of hours. How on earth do I maintain Bud+me, Me+Sweet Lady, Bud+me+Sweet Lady all while working!!!! There is only so much of me to go around. My job as a crisis counselor is high stress, especially around the holidays. :confused:
 
Gosh, it sounds like there's only drawbacks to this move, and no benefits. I assume you're doing it so as to form a closer poly bond with each other, but then I hear about your pending work schedule which will probably push you away from your partners? Are you sure this is what you want to do?

I don't see anything specific to point out that you haven't already covered. I guess if you're committed to this and are going to do this thing, then you're just going to figure out how to make it work by trial and error. I guess I would put my main focus on scheduling, as that sounds like by far your biggest obstacle.

I can't think of any way to make things easier yet, but maybe I'll think of something later.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
From your post I identify these things as things to watch for.

  • Sweet Lady stress adjusting to "empty nest" sooner than expected. Kudos to her for letting her kids own their own lives, but it is hard to let go now, if she was expecting it more around HS grad.
  • Your stress adjusting to new work schedule.
  • Your worries about making enough time with your "mini relationships" inside the bigger polyship.
  • Bud stress being FT caregiver to the kids and FT college student.

Who owns doing house maintenance chores? Paying bills -- the physical act of sitting down do to it online or write checks? I did not see that "owned" in your post.

My suggestion is to talk to Bud and Sweet Lady about your concerns and make the "for now" plan to get past New Year's. Then reevaluate after the holiday stress load your work brings eases up some.

Maybe just move, low key holidaying, no hosting people over, no pressure to unpack anything but essential til after New Year's so you don't have "unpack stress" added to the load. Make the time to send your partners quick lunchbox notes, texts or whatever. Thoughtful gestures that don't take a lot of time. Set dates on the calendar now for the big "reconnect" dates so you all have something to look forward to after the holiday/move hump is past 3 mos. out.

Being willing to be flexible right now seems best to me. For example... if Bud decides to put the kids to bed in school clothes to save time changing in the morning? Be ok with what he decides as the primary caregiver person to ease up his routine. If Sweet Lady needs to Skype with her kids -- be ok with that also.

Could home management apps help?

And depending on the load, could remember you guys can also line up a poly-counselor to provide extra support at a particularly rough time. There's options and ways of handling this.

Galagirl
 
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Sounds like you are making a lot of sacrifice also bud and sweet lady can be together. I hope it woeks out the way you hope.
 
Sounds like you are making a lot of sacrifice also bud and sweet lady can be together. I hope it woeks out the way you hope.

I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything, just changing things. Change is scarey for me. I'm a creature of habit. I love my job and my family. Lots of people have both and it works out fine. The people around me who have successfully managed to have both are not in poly relationships so it doesn't feel as if it would be helpful to turn to them for advice about how to do it. That's why I came here.

I'm also not the only one who is willing to sacrifice or change things in order to make this work. Sweet Lady is going to be moving away from the town she's known her entire life and her children. That deserves recognition and I'm sure extra support during the transition. I will be less than 2 miles from where I work my Friday-Sunday shift and my children are coming with me to live in the same household. Sweet Lady will be 30 minutes from work instead of 10 once we move.

Why is it that when I post it seems like Sweet Lady and/or Bud is under attack? She's an amazing, beautiful, loving woman with a heart as big as the universe who would do anything to help friends & strangers alike. Bud is an awesome, loving, gentle, soul with silly little quirks that make him goofy and fun to be around. Yes, some of my early posts in regards to her and him were not so nice but that's because I was putting my issues on her shoulders and trying to blame her for my shortcomings/insecurities/jealousies. I thought I had owned that already though.
 
Re:
"The people around me who have successfully managed to have both are not in poly relationships so it doesn't feel as if it would be helpful to turn to them for advice about how to do it. That's why I came here."

I think if I was in your shoes, I'd be overwhelmed by your pending work schedule ... I just don't know how to tell you to make that work (and still maintain your poly dynamic). The only answer I can think of is that kids and partners alike will have to make do with smaller portions of your time than they've been used to in the past. I don't mean that as a slam against anyone; I'm just outlining the reality of scheduling issues as it seems to me from what I've read so far in this thread. I apologize if I have misinterpreted in any way.

I'm not saying it's impossible or it can't be done, I'm just saying that it's not a perfect situation and everyone will have to figure out how to work around the obstacles. Sometimes we figure things out as we go along. Every situation is unique, so how to make it work will be unique as well.

Hopefully others will have better advice than me; I'm mostly just admitting that this sort of thing is outside of my circle of expertise.
 
I think it's great that you don't feel like you're sacrificing stuff I thinking if I was in your position I would feel like I was basically a paycheck while sweet lady bugs got to be happy together while you're away working to pay the bills but if you don't feel that way that's awesome maybe I'm just petty
 
Honestly I think bud needs to get a part time job to supplement your income, its not fair for you to take on such a huge load. I work full time and im a full time student so its very doable to work and go to school.
 
This will mean I work Monday 9am-5pm, Tuesday 9am-5pm, Thursday 1-9pm. Friday I will begin my shift at 9am and it won't end until Sunday at 9am (full 48 hours away from home every weekend). This puts me at home only on Wednesdays and Sundays. Sweet Lady works Monday 5am-1pm, Tuesday 1-9pm, Thursday 1-9pm, Friday 7am-2pm, Sunday 5am-1pm. Bud is a full time college student as well as caregiver to our children who are all still young.

I've had this type of work schedule in the past.

You have Monday and Tuesday evenings, all day Wednesday, Thursday morning, and Sunday off. Sweet Lady has Monday afternoon/evening, Tuesday morning, all day Wednesday, Thursday morning, Friday afternoon /evening , Saturday, and Sunday afternoon.

When you switch from looking at what you work to looking at what you *don't* it seems more manageable :)

It sounds like there will be Wednesdays for you+Sweet Lady, and Saturdays for Sweet Lady+Bud, and Sundays for you+Bud. You+Bud+Sweet Lady might take some scheduling, but it maybe Monday evenings that could work. Or maybe Thursday mornings.... of course (having been a full time student/parent) I know Bud's schedule is going to throw hick ups into that 'logical' plan, lol.

But you're committed to this, and you love each other, I think you'll figure it out.
 
Change is always scary. But if the three of you are committed to making it work, you'll find a way.

As for Bud staying home and caring for the kids vs. working a paying job, it's possible to be a full-time student and hold a job, but depending on the age of the kids, if a sitter had to be hired or they had to go to daycare, that might eat any income Bud brought in. Maybe even more, depending on hours and location. When my kids were young, even though we barely scraped by, I had to stay home with them because I couldn't find a job that paid enough to cover child care, let alone any other expenses. And that was in the mid-1990s; I think child care costs have increased a lot since then.

That said, though, Emmy, I hope you and Sweet Lady make time to take care of *yourselves*, and not only worry about time for the relationships within your polyship. If you're working until you're exhausted and then spending time with your kids, Bud, and Sweet Lady, but not making time to relax, decompress, and have some alone time, your health might suffer for it, and that will make it even harder to give time to your loved ones. Speaking from personal experience here (albeit in a mono relationship, not a poly one.)
 
What is it about this guy that has one woman giving up living with her children and another taking on a heavy-duty work schedule to help support three people?

Bud spent the first 10 years we were together working while I was the stay at home parent and went to college. Once I was done I promised to give him the same opportunity. He is bombarded with messages from family & society that he's not giving anything by being the stay at home parent, especially since he's "the man." He has dinner ready, house cleaned, children taken care of, gets the older 3 back & forth to school, takes them to appts & activities, then does school work while caring for our 3 yr old during the day. He contributes more than enough to the household. Just because he isn't cashing a paycheck every week doesn't mean he isn't giving to the household.

As for Sweet Lady not living with her children, you're completely out of line with that statement too. She isn't giving up living with them because Bud told her to or expects her to. It was a decision made between her, the kids and their dad. In the end the kids really didn't want to leave their current school. One of them is halfway through her junior year, the other is in 8th grade. So she made the decision that was best for her children, not for herself. That happens when you're a parent. You have to think of someone other than yourself once in a while. But that doesn't mean it won't hurt to be away from them or that she won't miss them.

As far as my work schedule supporting three people; you are wrong yet again. My paycheck will be to support six people! Myself, Bud and our 4 children will be supported by my paycheck. Sweet Lady has her own full-time job.
 
Thank you to everyone else who has responded. You've given us some helpful information. Bud looked at some household apps last night after Galagirl mentioned them. They look like they could be very helpful for all of us. Sweet Lady and I talked last night about bank accounts, personal money, house/bill money, who will do what etc. That was something we hadn't even thought to discuss during all the flurry of moving activities & planning.
 
I co-habitate with both of my loves, and I've been writing in my journal recently about combining finances, etc. If you're interested, check it out. :)
 
Bud spent the first 10 years we were together working while I was the stay at home parent and went to college. Once I was done I promised to give him the same opportunity. He is bombarded with messages from family & society that he's not giving anything by being the stay at home parent, especially since he's "the man." He has dinner ready, house cleaned, children taken care of, gets the older 3 back & forth to school, takes them to appts & activities, then does school work while caring for our 3 yr old during the day. He contributes more than enough to the household. Just because he isn't cashing a paycheck every week doesn't mean he isn't giving to the household.

As for Sweet Lady not living with her children, you're completely out of line with that statement too. She isn't giving up living with them because Bud told her to or expects her to. It was a decision made between her, the kids and their dad. In the end the kids really didn't want to leave their current school. One of them is halfway through her junior year, the other is in 8th grade. So she made the decision that was best for her children, not for herself. That happens when you're a parent. You have to think of someone other than yourself once in a while. But that doesn't mean it won't hurt to be away from them or that she won't miss them.

As far as my work schedule supporting three people; you are wrong yet again. My paycheck will be to support six people! Myself, Bud and our 4 children will be supported by my paycheck. Sweet Lady has her own full-time job.

I think someday sweet lady is going to regret leaving her family to move out of town. If sweet lady is sharing expenses why do you have to work more hours? Shouldn't combining expenses take the burden off you, not add to it?
 
I think someday sweet lady is going to regret leaving her family to move out of town. If sweet lady is sharing expenses why do you have to work more hours? Shouldn't combining expenses take the burden off you, not add to it?

She might, she might not, why don't you ask her? She's had a name on here for a few months. I'll have her come answer for herself.
 
He contributes more than enough to the household. Just because he isn't cashing a paycheck every week doesn't mean he isn't giving to the household.
I never said he wasn't contributing anything. I already read in your first post that he stays home as a full-time parent. All I asked was "what is it about this guy?" He must be amazing.

As for Sweet Lady not living with her children, you're completely out of line with that statement too. She isn't giving up living with them because Bud told her to or expects her to.
I wasn't out of line; I never said anyone told her or expects her to give up living with her kids. I understand English very well. You already wrote that she talked with the kids and they decided to stay in their schools and transition to living with their dad. However, despite this, she chose to move in with you and Bud and leave them behind. Again, I wonder, what it is about this guy that a mother would opt not to stay close to her kids at a crucial time in their lives? Ugh, junior high and high school can be so emotional with all the hormones flying. It will be a challenge to make sure they don't feel abandoned and traumatized by the fact that she moved away from them to be with a boyfriend.

. . . that doesn't mean it won't hurt to be away from them or that she won't miss them.
Well, it is obvious that this is a painful choice she made when you wrote:
I'm extremely concerned about how hard this could be on Sweet Lady. She says she's ok with it, wants to make the move with us but cries as she's saying these things.

Sounds like torture. Why is it so important that she move in with you? What is the hurry? Great relationships can happen without everyone all living together. I am really curious. The general recommendation is to wait until a relationship/poly arrangement has been going well for at least one year.

Do you not see the red flags all over the place?
 
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Again, I wonder, what it is about this guy that a mother would opt not to stay close to her kids at a crucial time in their lives? Ugh, junior high and high school can be so emotional with all the hormones flying. It will be a challenge to make sure they don't feel abandoned and traumatized by the fact that she moved away from them to be with a boyfriend.
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Yeah I worry about that too. I would feel really crappy if my mom abandoned me to CHOOSE to move in with her boyfriend. I also wonder how this is going To affect emmys older child who has already expressed her displeasure having sweetlady around all the time. Seems to me that in a relationship so new such as this (6 months? ) moving in together is not the greatest idea.

I don't understand the need to go from being neighbors and practically living together anyway to moving out of town, leaving her children behind, and now for whatever reason Emmy has to work more to support them when now they have two working adults instead of 1. Again it seems that with the combined income it would be less work.

Amd honestly if bud has been acting like a jerk to sweet lady I don't understand why she would even want to make this move
 
I do hope that things work out for all of you guys but I wonder about all of the children. It seems like the focus is on the adults getting time together and worrying about romantic dynamics. Don't the children also need time?

Emmy - your kids are young and by the sounds of things will be growing up in a situation where their mum is out of the house for long periods of time working. I know that money has to be earned but I think that also children need their adults to be around them lots, doing activities and sharing their worlds with them. It sounds like you will have very little time for those sorts of things. Less, for sure, if you are also trying to maintain romantic connections with Bud, Sweet Lady and as a group.

Children are, I think, needy and demanding of time. Relationships with children are high maintenance and very time time consuming from what I see. That's why I don't have any. I firmly believe that once a decision has been made to have them, the adults who made the choice have a responsibility. Any decisions about work, friendships, romance, living conditions need to be made with the children's needs as top priority.

Sweet Lady's children, I think, can only suffer in this situation. They can either leave their home and father to move with you guys or they can stay where they are and only see their mum at weekends. I think both those choices absolutely suck and I reckon that if asked the kids would prefer their parents to live close enough to each other that they can see both easily.

One of my friends is a step parent to a 14 year old who's mum gave him pretty much the same choice. He made the same choice as Sweet Lady's children. My friend reports that since all the changes in his life, he is suffering. He's not doing well at school and is likely to drop out. There are other behavioural problems as well. My friend and her partner have also pretty much ended their long term relationship and a large part of it is down to the stress that the abandonment of the 14 year old by his mother has created in all of their lives. I can't see that boy's mother as anything other than incredibly selfish.
 
Ok here is a step by step breakdown of the current and the new:

The current living arrangement for Bud & I is:
3 bedroom townhouse with heat, hot water, trash removal, snow removal included. We've been here 10.5 years.

Sweet Lady has the same arrangement. Her place is also a 3 bedroom townhouse with the same things included. The lease for this will be turned over to her children's dad so the kids are not changing homes, only the adults are. This is the only home the children have known. Sweet Lady lived here with their dad the entire time they were married.

Current school district for all of the kids is XXXXXsoutheastXXXXXX

New school district after the move is XXXXXsouthwestXXXXXX

The new home is 23.9 miles from the current home. It has 6 bedrooms, the rent is $100 less than our combined rent but it includes no utilities. My extra hours at work are so that Bud & I can comfortably (if needed) pay all bills without relying on Sweet Lady's income so that she feels no pressure to live there. She has the freedom to make the choice without guilt over money. She will pay her share. We will bank the extra for as long as she is there.

Currently the children's dad sees them every Tues & Thurs night while Sweet Lady is working plus some weekend time and other weekday time when he has something he wants to do with them.

After the move Sweet Lady will see her kids after work on her way to the new home. Then bring them home with her on Friday night. Return them to their dad on Sunday night. She'll also have them for school vacations and any nights during the week they want to come home with her she is free to take them. If they choose to do this then one of us will drive them into school the following morning.

Their dad is and has been welcome in our current home. He's been invited to visit the new home anytime he wants. He took the kids for the holiday yesterday. When he brought them back he came to our current place to wish us all a happy holiday. He sat down with his son, our kids, and Bud and they all laughed, talked, play with toys then played on the PS4 while Sweet Lady and I hung out together in the kitchen with the kids who weren't interested in the PS4. We watched my 7 yr old put on a "performance" as she danced & sang along to songs on Youtube. Then my 11 yr old showed us her Zumba moves while she played music from Youtube. This wasn't the first time he has come over to just enjoy time like that. We all get along well. There isn't anything negative between any of us. He and Sweet Lady both say they are much better as friends than they ever were as husband & wife.

Do I worry about the change? Of course I do. Do I see it as a looming disaster that's going to leave everyone emotionally scarred for life? No, I don't see that.
 
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