Radical Honesty. Interview with the author

Ah but as the initial talker, you then have to be able to listen compassionately to your partners honest responses... ;-)

In truth, there's never one talker and one listener, in every conversation both people have to do both jobs well for a favourable outcome.
 
In truth, there's never one talker and one listener, in every conversation both people have to do both jobs well for a favourable outcome.

Yes, and I find that I don't really have patience with people who don't listen. Then I don't talk. I've even been critisized for not sharing enough of my life with someone, who essentially never listens when I try. But even that friendship improved with true honesty :)
 
Ok, lets see if I can remember all the thoughts I've had while reading this thread. And yay thanks :) A discussion!

A curiosity that popped into my ADD brain while reading this.....
I wonder if the lack of willingness to manage delayed gratification is related to the "I was just..." excuse making?

Because it seems to me that the key factor in finding the kind AND honest words, requires taking some time to figure out the best combination of terminology and proper execution of tone/speed/volume in which to share/convey your message...

But people don't like to wait, so they just blurt out the words that initially come to mind....

Well this apparently is the reason why Salamander lies, and he is really bad at delayed gratification too. Lying is way to get out of a situation without having to think or having to engage in a challenging conversation. So yes, I think you might be right with that idea. I on the other hand have never been one for instant gratification, and I find it really hard to lie, I rather do the work of finding the right words.

But seriously, "lying" to prevent what?~ "Embarrassment", "shame", etc.

Apparently anything they think might be a negative outcome. I suppose it can be scary to be honest if one has no experience on it. Actually I remember how it was. I was good at staying silent instead of speaking the truth, and it was scary, not knowing how the other person might react to my words. But so far, talking has always been the better choice. But I suppose avoiding honesty for any reason feels like the easy way out for any situation.

People really need a "movement" to actually be honest, seriously?

Apparently yes. At least where I live people seem to find it hard to tell the truth. It's like we've lost the skill to be truly and compassionately honest. People are evasive and hint things, and they are always polite, but it is very hard to get an honest opinion on a controversial subject. I feel like I'm suffocating most of the time. And my attempts at honest conversation are a cause for anxiety for many. It's really scary how people rather ignore for years something that should be talked about, and could be taken care of with just one honest conversation.

I hope that a movement like radical honesty gets people thinking. That there is another way to hiding and silence, that it's not destructive to anything to actually be honest about what you feel and think.

This world could use a lot more honesty instead of catering to the fantasies of what we think others desire.

So let there be a movement to provoke people into thinking. And let us set an example for others to follow. Honesty is something I expect of myself and I expect it from people I interact with. Those who are not too intimidated by this will stay in my life and learn to be honest. Let's make honesty a viral meme :)

Good listening means putting your own thoughts on hold. It means shifting out of teaching mode and into learning mode.

Yes, I agree with this. And it's another skill we seem to have lost. I wonder what they teach at schools really… I think they should add people skills to the curriculum instead of assuming kids would just pick it up somewhere. Like where? Adults here seem to be just as clueless. There's one question on OKC that I always check as a potential red flag before deciding if I want to get to know someone. It's about conversation styles whether on is listening or waiting to speak when not talking. Surprisingly many have answered that they are waiting to talk. I wonder what they ever get from a conversation with anyone. It's like they are talking to themselves.
 
...There's one question on OKC that I always check as a potential red flag before deciding if I want to get to know someone. It's about conversation styles whether on is listening or waiting to speak when not talking. Surprisingly many have answered that they are waiting to talk. I wonder what they ever get from a conversation with anyone. It's like they are talking to themselves.

I was actually "radically honest" (tm) when I answered my OKC questions....so I did answer that I am often "waiting to talk".

Many people want to give a lecture, rather than have an exchange of ideas...they want to present a whole BLOCK of their perspective without allowing for any feedback. If you say something in the first few sentences that I disagree with or requires clarification for me to understand the rest of what you are saying - I'm going to be impatiently waiting until you "pause" (so I am not considered "rude" for interrupting) so I can ask you to clarify your premise or the next 57 things that you said I have no context for.

With the people that I am close to, and want to have meaningful ongoing conversations with, we develop a "short-hand" way of saying "I want to listen to what you are saying but I have a response to this thing that you have already said".

For instance, with Angel, my best friend, I say "Pause...remind me 'x'" "x" will be a word that will remind me of what I wanted to say...when she is done making her immediate point. She will say "OK...'x' ...but then 'y" - "Y" being a reminder word for the next point that she intended to make. Once I've let her know that I have a thought based on what she has already said (and trusting that she will remember to ask for that thought) I am free to really listen to what she is saying now.

With Lotus - when I find that I have too many responses that I am trying to remember that I can't really focus on what she is saying, I say "Wait...can I give you feedback on what I have already heard." I then take a mental note as to the point where I interrupted so, after I have made my comments, I can say..."you had just told me about 'z'."

YMMV...but if people are "waiting to talk" it may be because they are self-centered assholes that don't care what you have to say and just want to pontificate OR it may be that they are intelligent / rational human beings who want to participate in a conversation rather than listen to a novel.

JaneQ
 
Forum discussions work well for me for that reason. If I'm reading a post and a thought hits me that I want to express later, I'll just create a text file, write the thought (or the basic gist of it), then go back to reading the post which I can freely absorb knowing I've already written myself a reminder.

Live in-person discussions are trickier. Sometimes you almost have to interrupt a little. If you can find a way to do it politely.
 
Forum discussions work well for me for that reason. If I'm reading a post and a thought hits me that I want to express later, I'll just create a text file, write the thought (or the basic gist of it), then go back to reading the post which I can freely absorb knowing I've already written myself a reminder.

Live in-person discussions are trickier. Sometimes you almost have to interrupt a little. If you can find a way to do it politely.

I feel the same way, except for the politeness part.~

I think another thing crazy about today's culture is the over-implication of being "polite".~

Seriously some people are so "polite" they will literally NOT say ANYTHING, just like politicians.~

Hence why we have such a huge problem with many people NOT being "honest" nor "open" about what they want to say or feel.~

I like being polite, but I feel that many people are simply over-doing it.~
 
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