Casual sex and the poly relationship

Crazer

New member
Hello all, I will properly introduce myself in due course, but for now I am afraid I must dive into the gory details of being a monogamous man in a poly relationship. I was a little unsure where to post this, since it deals with a specific relationship issue but involves some general theory. Please correct me if I have posted it in the wrong place.

I am dating a lovely poly girl, whom I adore. She is dating another man who she is very committed too, and has been dating for quite some time. She is, actually, quite committed to both of us at this point. My question, however, revolves around the less committed aspects of a poly relationship.

She does express an interest, inconsistently, in casual sex. I have said no, and will always say no, because I see no reason for her to go outside of the relationship for something she gets plenty of with her two current boyfriends. I told her this today, after she asked why I was not okay with her sleeping with other men. It disturbed me, though, that she even asked, since she has before said she was okay without casual sex and has even claimed to not have an interest in it. She's living on her own right now, so she might not get as much sex as normal, but her other boyfriend is right near by and she's only on her own until she returns to college at the end of the summer.

What I really want to know is why she would want to go outside of the relationship for sex. I get the feeling that this is something different from the poly part of her. She has had a lot of issues in the past, and I can't help but wonder if she feels some need to be wanted, or validated. I kind of even vaguely wonder if she's addicted to sex. It feels wrong to suspect those things, and I want to put those thoughts to rest, if I can. So what I really want to know from the community is how to deal with this. I can ask her myself why she wants casual sex but I may not get the answer I need. I want to know what the attitudes are of poly individuals towards casual sex. Would you go outside of the relationship for sex? Why? I know its different for everyone, but I want to understand her mentality and just talking about it to people who will understand what I'm dealing with is a huge relief. Please, help me work through this.

Kindest regards.
 
She wants casual sex because it offers a type of sex that you don't get it committed relationships. That random, lustful, hot, slutty aspect that regardless of what you do with a boyfriend or alternative kink label, you can't achieve.

Casual sex reminds you that your lust for sex is carnal and like almost separate from your being or something. It's fun.

Casual sex might be the thing that connects you to someone that ends up being your spouse because relationships are fluid and even if they don't end up a spouse, they might simply become an awesome friend. Sex brings people together.

Your idea of plenty might not correlate with hers, and since it's her vagina and her libido, you don't get to decide what is enough, unfortunately.

As for polyamory, it has nothing to do with how much sex you have and who you have it with. Polyamory simply means that you have, or are open to having, more than one intimate/loving/romantic relationship simultaneously, with the consent of all involved. So, theoretically, if I had an asexual husband and an asexual boyfriend who I've never had sex with, but I bang a thousand guys a month who I randomly meet on a hook up site, I'm perfectly polyamorous.

So yes, I absolutely have filthy, dirty, random, casual sex as well as having polyamorous relationships. Both complete me. If a partner ever tried to suggest I keep sex for committed relationships, they'd be gone before they finished the sentence. I will not tolerate someone trying to enforce their sex negative bullshit on me.
 
What I really want to know is why she would want to go outside of the relationship for sex. I get the feeling that this is something different from the poly part of her.

Well, for me, I crave both. I need and seek poly relationships more than casual sex, but sometimes I just need it. I might very well be a sex addict. My partner is similar to me. Now, you can fight it. He's been literally in pain (severe blue balls) and waited till he was with me or his other partner. But I would NEVER ask him to do so...and, frankly, I expect him to pick up a casual partner soon. It's stress relief for him, and he needs it badly right now.

I understand your reluctance to have her pursue this. I much prefer him to be with someone he cares deeply about. But this is a part of her, as it is a part of my partner, and it would be very, very good if you could accept this part of her, as well.
 
I don't think that's it with her. With all due respect, I know her very well, and she likes the idea of these things a lot more than the reality. I think she sees herself as a temptress, and she wants to seduce men, etc. The fact that it's the idea that is more important than the actual action is what makes me wonder about her motivations. But if she does seek random sex with people, friends with benefits or whatever, I can't accept that, and it will lead to the end of the relationship. To be clear, also, she's never had a hookup before, the only sex she's had has been either in a relationship or in a friends with benefits situation where she slept with a man after a breakup. Or, in one case, had a friends with benefits relationship with a man she fell in love with. As far as I'm concerned, lusty, sweaty sex with a random stranger has nothing to do with it.

As for the "sex negative bullshit" first of all, that's not a constructive comment in this context. Additionally, she's said she's OK without casual sex in the past, and I see it as my "thing" that I can't deal with and if she really wants it, I'll leave of my own accord, thank you very much. It's the desire for it, the feeling that she's not satisfied with what she has, that bothers me.

Well, for me, I crave both. I need and seek poly relationships more than casual sex, but sometimes I just need it. I might very well be a sex addict. My partner is similar to me. Now, you can fight it. He's been literally in pain (severe blue balls) and waited till he was with me or his other partner. But I would NEVER ask him to do so...and, frankly, I expect him to pick up a casual partner soon. It's stress relief for him, and he needs it badly right now.

I understand your reluctance to have her pursue this. I much prefer him to be with someone he cares deeply about. But this is a part of her, as it is a part of my partner, and it would be very, very good if you could accept this part of her, as well.

Thank you, this helps. It's really, sadly, not a matter of me accepting it. I've tried, I've turned it over in my head a thousand times and I believe I simply can't.
 
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Who is to say how much sex or how many partners is "enough" for her, but her? Why do you think you would get to dictate that? She is not you and you are not her, so what you think is plenty of sex from enough partners is probably not the way she sees things at all.

While it is perfectly fine to say, "No, I won't continue in this relationship if you have casual sex with people other than your current boyfriends," it is quite another thing entirely to say "No, you can't do that." You can only take responsibility for what you will accept or live with, but she is her own person and has every right to live her life as she sees fit. If that means she wants to exercise her freedom to fuck someone she just met at a party or something, that is her choice. Your choice is whether you can accept her for who she is and stay in relationship with her, despite her doing things you would prefer she not do.

Now, if there is some kind of agreement in place, then any violation of that agreement needs to be discussed - but boundaries and agreements can change. Rules are different and are not something one human being should impose on another.

So it all boils down to whether or not you can accept that the woman you are dating is a free and autonomous person who is not a possession of anyone's and has a right to make her own choices about what she does with her body and her life. Her reason for wanting casual sex, as I see it, is irrelevant as far as you're concerned. She doesn't owe an explanation or justification to anyone.
 
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Dude, she wants to fuck other people. She wants more cock. She isn't satisfied with the cock she has and wants cock in addition to that which isn't attached to a boyfriend. It's as simple as that. Your problem with her wanting more cock is down to your sex negativity and the views you hold about sex. Should she stop herself meeting her need for more cock simply because you believe females/people shouldnt fuck outside of a loving relationship? No way. And I hope she wises up to that soon.

Read carefully: your girlfriend wants more cock. Casual cock. Not loving boyfriend cock. Casual cock. She wants that. Even when she tells you that she can live without it, she probably still fantasises and masturbates to the idea of casual cock. She probably pretends you or her other boyfriend are a casual partner sometimes, especially as you've cut off her avenue to actually fulfill that fantasy. Accept it. She loves cock and wants more.
 
Yes!! Me too! It's as simple as that, really. When you love cock, why should there be a limit?
Because some guy you used to date thinks it's slutty?
 
None of this is helpful. I was an idiot for trying. They'll write it on my grave: "He always meant well."
 
Man, I spent ten minutes crafting my (first) response to you for nothing, then, if you don't think this thread is helpful.

Could it be that part of your problem in understanding your girlfriend's desire for casual sex is your need to be in control? I mean, if you're getting all bent out of shape at a few posts you don't like from anonymous people on an internet forum, it must make you crazy to imagine your girlfriend's naked body getting slam-fucked by a man she barely knows.
 
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What did you want us to say? "she is a filthy,dirty slut and she should be hung?"

You asked why she would want sex outside of the relationships and three poly women who have casual sex told you why. That isn't good enough because it doesn't validate your views. Dude, it's you that needs work.
 
I'm frustrated because I wanted a philosophical conversation about the role of sex in a poly relationship and instead I'm being told that my girlfriend needs more cock. And it's been repeatedly insinuated that she needs to get out of the relationship because I'm too controlling. I'm trying to understand where she's coming from, I want know, I want to find out if I can make this work.

She knows the score. I can't accept casual sex, so if she suddenly has to have it, she is a free, autonomous person who can leave the relationship at any time.
 
Ah, well, if it's a philosophical discussion you want, I can move this thread to General Discussions, which is more suited to that kind of thing. It did sound like you were struggling and wanted more than just philosophical insights. In the Poly Relationships Corner, responses will be more geared toward advice and opinions on relationships and specific relationship issues.
 
Ah, well, if it's a philosophical discussion you want, I can move this thread to General Discussions, which is more suited to that kind of thing. In the Poly Relationships Corner, responses will be more geared toward advice and opinions on relationships and specific relationship issues.

Please.
 
usksDon but

What did you want us to say? "she is a filthy,dirty slut and she should be hung?"

You asked why she would want sex outside of the relationships and three poly women who have casual sex told you why. That isn't good enough because it doesn't validate your views. Dude, it's you that needs work.

If she wants to be slam-fucked by random men, then I don't need work, I need to get the hell out.
 
If she wants to be slam-fucked by random men, then I don't need work, I need to get the hell out.

You know, casual sex doesn't always mean sex with "random strangers." Sure, it could be (and why is that so wrong anyway?), but it might not be what she means by the term.

I think that, if you do choose to discuss this with her, you need to get clear on how she defines casual sex, which could be vastly different from how you define it. For example, many of us here have FWB (Friends with Benefits) type relationships that are ongoing and meaningful, but just not totally entwined partnerships, and those can be quite casual.

You may find our Master Thread on casual sex illuminating, even though it hasn't had activity recently. Feel free to revive it if you want: Casual Sex - Discussion. I recommend reading it from the beginning, because it starts off with some good food for thought.

Also, I am curious about this statement you made, even though you say you only want a philosophical discussion:
Please, help me work through this.
What do you mean by "work through?" What result would you like, simply a deeper understanding of your girlfriend? Would that change anything?
 
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What is wrong with getting slam fucked by random men if it's the kind of sex you enjoy? Listen, I completely understand that it is unhealthy for someone to have sex for any other reason than wanting to have sex with that/those person\people at that time. Having sex to get someone to love or like you isn't healthy. I agree with that.

However, women are often assumed to be in this "unhealthy, seeking validation" group when all they want is to have sex because they like having sex.

I think that people who are able to separate their needs and desires from their partner's needs and desires, fare better in relationships than people who think their partner should need and want the same things as them.

What do you find so distasteful about sex outside of a loving relationship?
 
What do you find so distasteful about sex outside of a loving relationship?

Ok, I think perhaps this guy is getting too much flak. I, too, have little to no interest in sex just for the sake of sex. My partner feels the same. If he wanted random hookups? That's fine, but I doubt I'd want him as a primary relationship if that were his interest. Same for any other man or woman I might date. I really only enjoy casual sex when someone I'm dating seriously wants a threesome or group sex. It provides a fun, different experience.

Now, if my partner had an occasional casual relationship, and had a reason? I'd completely understand. Even if it was just, I'm not getting enough sex right now.

But, yeah, I'd prefer he didn't stray outside of loving, committed relationships in general. I think it's okay for OP to question why his girlfriend wants casual sex and see if their philosophies make them compatible.
 
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This guy obviously has serious opposition to anyone having casual sex. You've expressed a preference and even a partner preference and also allowed some leeway for your partner's desires. He doesn't want her to have any casual sex at all. There is no leeway for any personal desires whatsoever.

If you want me to turn this on you, I can. Why do you have a preference for your partner only enjoying sex within a casual relationship or as an extension of coupleship? Is that because you also hold the belief that sex is only okay when it is cleansed with the holy purity of love? You see, you can reframe a threesome or group sex with a committed partner as you going out of your way to fulfill your partner's fantasies rather than you actually having sex with someone else. Is that what makes you comfortable? The pretence that the sex with these casual partners is merely you giving your loving partner sexual gratification so, in your mind at least, you're not really having sex with a casual partner?
 
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